Welcome to my niche of the cyber world. Here, I strive to make you laugh like never before, cry warmhearted tears, be naughty and playful, and find morsels of sweetness in the light and dark. Here, you'll crave chocolate. I'm a bad influence. But I recommend fair trade and the real stuff. Thanks for dropping by. Please come back for more.
We're closing 2013 with this year's 20 best of the worst pick-up lines from internet dating ads. This post is strictly non-fictional. Our cast and crew shortened, but didn't alter, these ads. We simply ordered them from the best of the worst of the the worst to the worst of the best of the worst -- generally, though we don't know what that means. At any rate, please laugh, enjoy, and have a safe and love-filled New Year's. [Note that "love-filled" is often most wisely accomplished Solo - as in (1) alone or (2) not Chewy.]
1) love Star Wars and met Chewy in the Woods once during a family vacation.
And then what, sweetie? Did he show
you his lightsaber? Reveal that he’s your father? Teach you how to Dougie?
2) some of y'all
are more stuck up than tampons Oh yeah? Well some of y’all are more dense than a Tolsty trilogy.
plan to work as a penetration tester for a career.
4) trust me, I'm a lawyer
That’s like saying, “Respect me, I’m
5) Single as a Pringle
Judging from your photo, you’re
Macho as a Nacho.Might
you also be Free-to Lay, like right away?
know. i should have used spell chick
Vanna White? I don’t think you’d be the first to use her.
7) I can only say im a hard worker,
that want a life long patter.
A patter for your whole life? I
might suggest moving into an airport security check-point.
8) I lick the outdoors.
Caution: Beware of cactus plants,
porcupines, and yellow snow.
9) short hairy men make better lovers
According to your photo, babe, you
are bald. Just thought you should know. (Hint: This may be why your bed is
play hide the sausage
mean, because small things are hard to find?
slept with worse???? (Message for
your photo, I can’t say for sure, though I probably have.*Hanging head low in
12) Real eyes realize real lies!
Initially, I found your wordplay
rather clever. Now I’m just confused.
13) LIVE LIFE LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST
Do you know something that I don’t?
14) I'm not here to impress any of you
Job well done!
15) need a dumb womin I can't argue with that.
16) Anyone have a extra slinky, mine is
in the shop!!
No, but the last one I played with
was too flaccid. Same problem?
17) Marry Christmas!
Dude, I don’t like it that much. I’m
Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.
18) I am me and no one else.
Be glad you’re not me, honey,
because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.
19) I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet.
Not true. We won't be meeting.
20) I'll know you're it when I fund
you!!Fund me, babe, and I’ll know you’re
The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate gathered to vote on your funniest comments of the year. When I asked Macaulay Culkin (he needed the work) to sort through over 17,000 comments to determine his top picks, he said something I can't pronounce or spell. Then he disappeared to catch burglars or tweak or something. Thus it was all up to me. That said, it's Macaulay's fault if you aren't featured below.
Truth be told, I didn't actually read through over 17,000 comments, so I likely missed yours. I did capture some gems, though. In fact, I wasn't able to narrow it down to 10, as I originally intended. Instead, I've listed 20, in no particular order.
Thank you all for your supportive, silly, caring, and hilarious words. You help make Life by Chocolate the sweet and spunky place it's been for nearly five years.
Love and all good things as a new year approaches. Keep a smile and a stash of fair-trade chocolate.
1) Melissa Bradley said...I'll bet short hairy bald
man would be the first to say "No Fat Chicks."
4) Alex J. Cavanaugh said...If he met Chewy during a
family reunion, that's a giveaway that the man probably goes through razors
like there's no tomorrow.
5) Melissa Bradley said...He met Chewy in the
woods?!! It's Chewie as any Star Wars fan knows. If he can't get that right,
why bother dating him? I mean he should know thatChewy is an adjective not a
6) A Beer For The Shower said...I won't go NEAR
anyone that has an anus.That's just gross. I mean, have a little dignity,
7) Gorilla Bananassaid..."Make Feel Some Type
Of Way" definitely has potential as a song lyric. Maybe a duet involving
Pee Wee Herman and Kermit the Frog.
8) Al Penwassersaid One peacock to another:
"What do you mean, size matters?"
I'm one of four Californians participating in Mark Koopmans' bloghop, 50 States of Pray. If you don't already know this, Mr. Koopmans is a warm and friendly resident of Hawaii. So I call him "Mr. Roarke." (Fantasy Island reference.) Mr. Roarke's bloghop offers a beautiful way to mark Xmas Eve in blogland, and I'm lending my Jewish voice.
Judaism emphasizes a concept called "Tikkun Olam" (pronounced tea-koon oh-lomm). This means a healed world. We not only pray for this, but each of us is obligated do our part to bring about peace on earth.
Love and blessings for a very Merry Xmas (as relevant) and holiday season.
Together: A Prayer for the World Blessings for healing Of body and mind Freedom from hurdles That stall and confine
The urge to laugh A surge of will To savor breath in moments still
May bursts of hope Feed hardened souls And broken bits Grow into wholes
Violence quelled by rising care A shift towards what's just and fair
May dreams be held and given birth That none shall doubt their precious worth.
May love pervade All life, renew Wounds be sealed and scars be few.
I'm not feeling particularly cheery this holiday season. I'm not depressed either, just in a somber, existential kinda place. Thus, the deep darkness to follow. Sorry if you dropped by for cheer. I'll bring it back real soon. moon over Chico, 12.13
'Tis the season Gone all reason.
Hastened waste through untamed giving Homeless thrown in jail for living.
It's been a long dry spell, lasting through most of 2013. I've expelled more reasons for this below. As always, the ads (in bold) are lifted from men's actual attempts to attract women on-line.
Enjoy, and keep a smile.
We're almost through the holiday madness. Right?
REASON #277: Well well well what have we here?
Another question it's That I feared
I have no hobbies. What are goals?
I raked all my woman over the coals
It wasn't something that I'd planned
They had it coming you ladies understand?
Messing around don't get mad
aren’t you funny?
bet your man-card’s big and hard.
mind my rhyme; it’s on-the-spot.
big, hard man-cards make me hot.
Don’t take it out, though
You can’t come in.
Your card’s expired.
My patience thin.
I’m going now, but don’t feel bad.
I prefer men who can rhyme with
I don’t like it that much.. I’m Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.
Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes? 1) A
nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
on Phonics for you.
Time is non-existent
case, I have loads of time for you, Einstein.
LIVE LIFE LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST
you know something that I don’t?
Looking for a european super
Have you checked out the
Lamborghini dealer on the north side of town?
Things that go clunk in the
honey: That might be the reason your women never spend the night.
Oh, the irony in these two, REASONS #284-285:
Headline: Live in the
Bio: I'll do this later...
Headline: Not ready to commit to an essay at this