I'm Martha Stewart, and my attempts to get *bleep'd* haven't worked. So I've taken matters into my own hands. I bought something at Nymph I Am, signed it with my name, and priced it fairly reasonably. This pretty pink glow-in-the-dark --
Martha holds up her index and third fingers, then curls them over to form quotation marks -- "massager" acts as an
instant invigoration item. The shaft is flexible and bends with the contours of your vaginal canal. Best yet, you can adjust the speed for a comforting, soothing evening alone or a rough night of sock-it-to-me sex for one. Either way, you'll glow with pleasure for hours. And you'll have me to thank. *Wink.*
It's all yours, Martha! Maybe it will shut her up if she gets some.
ReplyDeleteYou're good, Alex. And you amaze me - being first here, with all that you're juggling. Thanks!
DeleteWell, at least it's pink.
ReplyDeleteAnd glow in the dark.
DeleteMaybe it will get stuck? She'll have a fun time explaining that at the emergency room.
ReplyDeleteShe is a tight one. Oh, yuck. That would be hilarious, Diane. Then again, maybe she'd want it to stay stuck.
Deletethese comments are as funny as your post. Glad she priced it fairly. She probably has boxes of 'em under her bed - lots of wear and tear indeed. Happy Friday
ReplyDeleteI know, Joanne. I've never gotten more hysterical comments. I love you all. I'm going to have to make a post or two of priceless comments.
DeleteHave a great weekend.
Ewwwwwww TMI! lol
ReplyDeleteThe woman has no shame, does she, JoJo? Haha.
DeleteWhat Jojo said.
ReplyDeleteWhat I said in response to JoJo. Smiles.
Delete"Instant invigoration item" is now my new favourite euphemism. But is it REALLY necessary for it to be glow-in-the-dark?
ReplyDeleteThat's a good question, Debra. She seems to think it's a more attractive product. But when it's in there, who cares? Plus hers will get all cob-webby and stuff. Eww. TMI. Sorry.
DeleteOkay, I'm with Debra on this, but must it be pink? Why not chocolate flavored too? Oh gosh, I'm hopeless.
ReplyDeleteWell, because a chocolate flavored one is actually a smart idea. Martha isn't as creative as she thinks. And you're not hopeless at all.
DeleteNo sparkles? Or is that only on the deluxe (extra dollars) model?
ReplyDeleteThat one's in the works. She's planning to make millions off of it. For now, she needed an immediate fix, EC.
DeleteI wonder how much she will charge for the limited edition, pink, sparkly, glow in the dark, autographed, musical (plays money, money, money) version?
DeleteI just sprayed my monitor! LOL
DeleteI love you ladies, and all my commenters. These are the best. I've been almost spraying my monitor since letter A, and there's so much of the alphabet left!
DeleteThanks, Martha, for marketing something likely to put me out of business!
ReplyDeleteStephen, this has to be THE BEST COMMENT of the series! It's outrageous. Thank you!
DeleteYou know, that massager shares a remarkable resemblance to the shape of Mrs. Butterworth.
ReplyDeleteNow that you say that, Martha's vag must be shaped like Mrs. Butterworth. Goodness, Martha's really freaky.
DeleteWonder what it will do to her ego when, it, too, wilts at the sight of her dusty 'love tunnel'?
ReplyDeleteOh wait, she has an ego (and moral turpitude) big enough to take it... too bad she doesn't have brains and good taste to go with it.
I almost spit out my food when I read "Love tunnel." That term alone is priceless. Yeah, she doesn't notice any jabs to her ego. She'd likely be flattered by this whole series.
DeleteThank you, Jac.
Jelly soft, eh... isn't there something wrong with that?
ReplyDeleteYou're right, CW. There's nothing soft about that *bleep*.
DeleteI am still wondering why bright pink and glow in the dark? Maybe this for Martha who is beginning to slip into dementia land. Does she know which end to place it in?
ReplyDeleteYeah, Birgit, I did see her trying to shove it up her right nostril. She really isn't very bright.
Delete$695 ? I dunno, what's the rest of the chess set look like?
ReplyDeleteIt looks more like Dungeons and Dragons than chess, Geo. Between you and me, it's not worth it.
DeleteOnly $695. And flexible. A real bargain. Says, good Martha ;)
ReplyDeletePlus it's bright pink and glows, Good Martha. =)
DeleteSigh... how can our boring old cylindrical, non-vibrating penises compete?
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to get your boring penises to do more than just get hard on occasion and spew pee. Can you work on an electric penile vibration effect, Michael? That could pose a threat to Martha's "invention."
DeleteWow, for $695 does it seek out the canal all on its own? Wait, I don't want to know.
ReplyDeleteIn Martha's case, it seeks escape all on its own, Pat.
DeleteHubby just came up and walked by to go to bed. He didn't pay attention to my screen and I'm glad. hahahahahahaa
ReplyDeleteI'd rather spend that much money on chocolate and get the same glowing effect.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of a balloon animal. I wonder what clown created this impractical plaything!
ReplyDeleteJulie
Balloon animal? I want to go to those parties.
DeleteOh, wait a minute. That is a phallus shaped balloon animal.
DeleteNever mind.
Come on, Al, the phallus shaped ones are funnest to use and look at...Er, a friend told me.
DeleteThat little pink fellow exploring Martha's cavern of doom! Not something I'd recommend without body armour and a native guide.
ReplyDeleteYou're a smart ape, GB. Lots of unexplored terrain in there.
DeleteOh god, first Gwyneth Paltrow talks about vaginal cleansing and now this! I'm going to have nightmares for years!
ReplyDeleteReally? My V post (vaginal vacuum) has already been taken by Paltrow. That's funny. Oy vey. Sorry for your never-ending nightmares, Mitchell.
DeleteShe could probably modify that thing's power source by connecting it to a weed whip engine. At least then it would match the speed of her mouth!
ReplyDeleteBushman
2015 A to Z Challenge Ambassador
@jwb81074
Excellent advice. You clearly know about weed wacking, Jeff.
DeleteThanks so much for the follow, too.
This lady, she has some serious issues.
ReplyDeleteFor 700 bucks you'd want it to call you darlin and make your breakfast.
ReplyDelete