And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vacuum: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to clean up inside. You never know when you might have visitors. For that reason, I designed the Vaginal Vacuum. It's lightweight, easy to operate, and it bends with my intricate cobwebs, jolting speed bumps, and glaring road-blocks. Vacuum any time you like, day or night. You can purchase Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vac for  only $899. Batteries not included. Remember, a clean beaver always finds more wood. Tootles!


49 comments:

  1. I remember this from your sneak preview, and it's even more victorious in it's entirety! Your last line is priceless, Robyn!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Julie. I really did happen upon that magazine page with the beaver and quote, as I was pulling together this post. It was beshert. Smiles.

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  2. Just the thing for musty, dusty love tunnels!

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    1. And she forgot to mention the sack. It needs to be dumped in a trash bin, only once a month or so.

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  3. You've done it now. This is too funny. I am scarred for life! I have absolutely no comeback. Oh wait! Is shipping free today?

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    1. Haha. For you, Dixie, she'll toss in free shipping, but only if you forward the cash within the next hour.

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    2. There's always a frikking catch!

      FYI((See Hollywood Spy's Chocolate Trailer today))

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  4. $900? Someone should tell her about soap, it'd save her a fortune.

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    Replies
    1. Oh but soap doesn't create the vibratory factor of the vag vac, Rosey.

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  5. I have a comeback but even I can't say it...

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    1. Oh, Alex. Please! Please! Remember, you're amongst silly obscene friends (or at least a silly, obscene blog admin) here.

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  6. o.O Did you just? Beacause I can't even.

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    Replies
    1. O.o It wasn't me, JoJo. It's Martha Stewart. She needs serious help.

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  7. That is one tunnel of love from which you'll never return whole.

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  8. That last line is a hoot: A clean beaver always finds more wood.

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    1. It's priceless, right, Stephen. I kid you not, I happened upon it in a mag when I was working on the last few letters of this A-Z post.

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  9. And that bitch Gwyneth Paltrow simply steam cleans hers!

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  10. But, remember that wood does not like chewed on.

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    Replies
    1. Martha doesn't get it, Ruth. She thinks as long as she vacuums, the wood will come pouring in.

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  11. If she turns it up to 'High' it just might suck the soul out of her. Oops! Too late!

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    1. I don't even think she was born with a soul. Roadblocks and speed-bumps, yes, but no soul, Jono.

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  12. That Martha, she's the Queen of Clean!

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  13. Blech blech blech!

    "...a clean beaver always finds more wood"??? Dare I ask for an explanation?

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    Replies
    1. Um, see, Mitchell, it's like this, some beavers are dirty and some are clean. And when there's dirt in the way, it's harder to see the long manly logs floating in the water. Get it?

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  14. Does that vacuum clean up crabs? Martha probably has those critters for sure that is why her nickname is sandpaper sally. I may never look at vacuums the same way again

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    1. You make me cry with laughter, you're that funny! Thanks, Birgit.

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  15. "Glaring road block..." Natural or artificial?

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    Replies
    1. Good question, CW. I'd have to go with artificial, cuz nothing about her is natural.

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  16. Greetings human,

    A Vaginal Vacuum? That just sucks. Martha, I don't even know who you are. I'm getting the impression that's a good thing!

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny :)

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    Replies
    1. "That just sucks." How do you do it, Penny? You have the perfect one liners for everything.
      Thank you, and thank your dear human because he is a dear.

      Delete
  17. Oh the cobwebs.....oh my. Best to clean up before Sunday's day of rest...or is it?

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  18. "A clean beaver always finds more wood." I will never forget that now Martha, thank you!!!

    You can find me here:
    ClarabelleRant

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  19. She's a wise woman, in her own mind.

    OOPS, I just posted my W. But then I remembered tomorrow's Sunday and we get time off for good behavior. I forgot about that, probably because I haven't been well behaved. So I took it back after 10 people saw it. Sorry. Happy Sunday.

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  20. Um, thanks, Martha, but I think I'll pass on this one.
    Incarceration wasn't kind to you, was it?

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    1. Oh but she loved it there, Dawn. That's where she hooked up with Big Bertha and a Naughty Prison Guard. (See N for the dirt.)

      =) Thanks for dropping by.

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  21. Maybe now they'll actually find Jimmy Hoffa.

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    Replies
    1. Bwahahaha. This was your best Martha Stewart post comment, Al. Thank you.

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  22. Well there you go, line in the sand drawn and then crossed. :)

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  23. And that doesn't even include the vacuum job, Jeremy.

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  24. I may need one to clean up the puke I'm going to spew thinking about Martha using one of these.

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  25. How you come up with these things I will never know. Poor Martha, she must have such a miserable life!!

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  26. "a clean beaver always finds more wood" BAHAHAHA! Best line I've run across all week :)

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