And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Martha Stewart's Get Out of Jail Now Card: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I'm here to offer my Get Out of Jail Now Card. For only $70 Million, I'll sell you one. It's a VISA card worth $60 Million. You simply offer it to the Judge, IRS, Prosecuting Attorney, Prison Guard, or whomever tickles your fancy or nether regions. You'll quickly find yourself free from criminal prosecution and able to get back to fluffing your pillows and sharing trade secrets. Works like a charm. Now if you'll excuse me, my dogs are getting restless. Tootles.

47 comments:

  1. Sigh. Speaking for myself it would take a great deal more than $70M to get me to tickle (or even approach with a barge pole) her nether regions. Some people can be easily bribed. And are cheap.

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  2. That rich woman cheated on her taxes? Tut tut. I don't see the point of sending her to prison, though. How much of her debt could she have cleared by sleeping with all the Supreme Court Justices? Including the girls.

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    1. I think they'd have charged her, GB, vs having given her a free "ride."

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  3. Could Martha be the reason why VISA is not accepted in Europe and other places around the globe?

    Side note: You know Arnold needs a couple of cards.

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    1. I didn't know that. Yes, she very well could be the reason.

      Haha, Arnie thinks that's great!

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  4. You are so funny. I look forward to your Martha bashing everyday. BTW - how much for one of those visas?

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    1. It's only $70 Mill for a $60 Mill card. Yep, someone's making a big profit and it's not you or me, Rhonda.

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  5. And isn't it interesting that after you get one of these amazing VISA cards everybody magically forgets about your crimes and you are on every TV show again hawking your household hints like nuthin' evah happened.

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    1. Exactly. All she has to do is flash her cash and the world forgets she's a first class criminal and major b*tch.

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  6. Liar, Martha! You have never fluffed your own pillows!

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    1. LOL, true that. Her doggies and servants do it for her.

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  7. I wonder if she had staff while in jail? Robyn, I get the feeling you are not fan of this woman.LOL...

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    1. I'm guessing she got catered to during her short stint in the high-class prison, which looks more like a Bed and Breakfast. It really wasn't "hard time." I've seen photos of her cell, and I wouldn't mind a retreat there.

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  8. What she really needs is a fanny fluffer, still won't get her a *bleep* though.

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    1. I'm madly giggling. I love it. Good points, Jac. She'll never get a *bleep*, unless her doggies get desperate. Oh, sorry for being so gross (again).

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    1. She certainly knows how to keep the money coming in, that b*tch.

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  10. I'll just avoid going to jail, thanks!

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    1. Most of us who have morals and braincells would try that approach, Alex.

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  11. She may want to hang on to that Get Out of Jail Card. Diddling stuff dogs is illegal. I think.

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    1. Not in Oklahoma, Al. But you're correct that it's otherwise illegal.

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  12. Hopefully I won't put myself in a position to ever need to think about it. I prefer that. :)

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    1. You're smart, and she's not. You have a conscience, and she doesn't.

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  13. Damn, I'll take my chances on passing go and collecting $200

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    1. Good move. Do you use the racecar, shoe, iron?

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  14. I feel confident and shall just build hotels on Baltic. Funny

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    1. Good move, Joanne, but I'd suggest the more valuable property. Just about anything is better than Baltic, right? St. James or one of the Railroads...

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  15. Must be nice to have resources. That's all I'm sayin'. :)

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    1. Truly. Gets a certain b*tch out of any criminal situation she finds herself in.

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  16. I am certain her jail card probably smells nice and is created out of pink fluff. She really needs to get laid

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    1. It's diamond studded too. She really needs a *bleep.*

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  17. I'm still not sure why she ended up in prison for stuff that rich white men get away with all the time.

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    1. Do they, JoJo? I believe you if you say so. I sincerely don't know. But part of it, I believe, is that she has intentionally harmed people and is mean-spirited.

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  18. A $60 mil card for only $70 mil? A bargain.

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    1. You can't do much better than that Bob - I mean, if you have $70 Mill to throw away.

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  19. There should be a law against people who tootle.

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    1. Good point, Stephen. Tootling in public is offensive, especially when done by Martha Stewart.

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  20. that card might be worth it if I had her same inside information sources...

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    1. Yeah, you too would be a multi-millionaire. Or is it billionaire? Either would be nice, right?

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  21. I can't afford the card. I guess I will have to try avoiding going to jail in the first place!

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    1. I don't think it will take too much effort on your part, Daisy, and it's the cheaper option.

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  22. What will it cost me for a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card? I can't afford the real life version, Martha!

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    1. Just a roll of the dice, Theresa, and a bit of luck.

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  23. Such a metsieh! Martha is so generous!

    Julie

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    1. She considers it all tzedakah, Julie. Such a light unto the nations. Oy vey.

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  24. Now, just think of that card. It's made from pure Egyptian Papyrus, carefully beaten and carded by workers making 25 cents an hour in some country whose name Martha can't pronounce. Ink is artisan and limited edition, made from endangered squid. With all that, it has to be worth $70 million! Wouldn't you want it in your collection? I would. Now to raise $70 million. Alana-ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

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