Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and what a month it's been. Let's take a look back. Shall we? You've seen my Hefty Heffer Hideaway, with enough flappy fat in which to stash a Cuisinart. You caught glimpses from my scandalous sex tape series. I sported my very manly chest, then belched and grabbed my crotch, when on Testosterone. I cleaned up inside with the handy dandy Vaginal Vac. Don't forget that a clean beaver always gets more wood. Last night, some Yearlong Yuletide cheer did me in. Best of all, Arnold thinks it's great. And so do you. Admit it. I'll sell it all to you -- the whole alphabet's worth of items combined in this lovely Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package -- for $70 million. Just buy it. You know you want to. *Wink.* Is this *bleep'n* thing finally over? *Bleep* That little *bleep* who runs this blog. She's a sick *bleep*! Oh, hi. I didn't know the cameras were still rolling. Tootles!
Labels: #marthastewartisanymphomaniacandarnoldthinksthat'sgreat!, A-Z Challenge, It's a wrap, martha stewart's zen gift package
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Labels: #ArnoldScwarzeneggerthinksit'sgreat, A-Z Challenge, Martha Stewart: sloshed? or a natural drunk? yearlong yuletide cheer
Monday, April 27, 2015
I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed old *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her "I'm so over Commoners" glare for several hours. We won't go into any more detail. Let your fantasies take over from here.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Vaginal Vacuum. It's lightweight, easy to operate, and it bends with my intricate cobwebs, jolting speed bumps, and glaring road-blocks. Vacuum any time you like, day or night. You can purchase Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vac for only $899. Batteries not included. Remember, a clean beaver always finds more wood. Tootles!
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering. The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know. Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. Tootles!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Testosterone Marthrax. One magical tablet provides 300% of the daily dose of testosterone recommended by Arnold Schwarzenegger. *Belch* Excuse me. Martha grabs her crotch and continues. This amazing pill adds chest hair, a sportly unibrow, obsessive compulsive remote control fetishism, and the urge to boink anything that moves or stands still. Martha raises her arms in a victory "v". Yo! Catch ya later.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series. Watch and learn as I engage in scandalous sex: alone on my sturdy chestnut brown dining room table; with a well endowed blow-up doll as we roll playfully through the apple orchards behind my New Haven Guest House; and alas, in sexy maid attire as I respond to Arnold Schwarzennegger's every request. This series teaches advanced sexual techniques and builds up to erotic, orgasmic sex play. It's simply spectacular. Martha's face begins convulsing again.
Racy Red Raunchy Regale that Reveals a third hand protrusion from the right breast (which is actually my left breast, but "right" starts with r, and it's on the right side from your vantage point). I like to spend a quiet afternoon dressed as so-- twerking, thrusting, and gyrating while tossing a nice fresh garden salad and manipulating a hand-held egg-beater. This regale costume comes with the third hand protrusion for no extra fee. It's really quite a bargain at $6969. Ta ta and tootles!
Labels: Martha Stewart reveals third hand protrusion from right breast. #arnoldthinksit'sgreat.A-Z Challenge
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Quintessential Quilt for Quelling Quickie Quorums.When engaging in under-the-cover quickie quorums, I find it most useful to quell the antics with this quintessential quilted comforter. The earth toned, decorative stitchery includes fancy pillow cases with secret compartments in which to store insider trading secrets, handcuffs, hashish, a Nymph I Am User's Manual, KY Lubricant, and a stylish silver egg beater. This quilt is stained --Martha's face turns pink and she attempts a giggle-- so I'm not selling it. Ta ta!
Labels: Martha Stewart, queen elizabeth, stewart's nymphomaniacal tendencies strike again. #thereslikeasausagefestgoingoninherbrain
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Martha Stewart's Pretty Pastel Panties for Penile Preparation (and Perhaps Penetration): A-Z Challenge
Martha Stewart's Pretty Pastel Panties and Bra for Penile Preparation (and perhaps penetration). Pastels are perfect for pleasant spring days, or a good *bleep*. You too can "prepare the penis" --if you know what I mean-- *wink* by wearing the pretty pastel panties and bra by Martha Stewart for just $582 per perfect pair. Find it at Macy's, Walmart, or Nymph I Am. Have a pleasureable weekend. Tootles!
Labels: Martha Stewart, nymphomaniac, pastel panties for penile preparation and perhaps penetration. #ArnoldSchwarzeneggerthinksit'sgreat!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Oprah Organizer. This delightful organizer comes with compartments of various sizes and colors. As a bonus, a mini-Oprah doll is attached. You can pad her clothes to watch her enlarge instantly like the real thing. Plus the compartments make for handy storage space for precious items like diamond earrings, insider trading secrets, KY Lubricant, and hashish. Some people think I'm a White racist elite *bleep.* This Oprah Organizer proves them wrong. Why would a bigot create a product with a miniature -- what's the term? -- brown American Afro? I like diversification. Tootles!
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. As of late, I've longed for my days at the stony lonesome. You see, Big Bertha was in the cell next to mine. What's more - Martha fans herself - a very Naughty Prison Guard took charge and covered me from time to time, when I slipped him a few thousand dollars. My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean. *Wink.* I have nothing to sell you today. I simply wish to honor all Naughty Prison Guards, and I hope they keep it up...until I get there again. Tootles!
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
"Member" Maximizer can really come in handy. I found it on craigslist and made a bunch of them. I then added my name carefully near the head of each Maximizer using a black Sharpie. This Martha Stewart Member Maximizer is lubricant friendly, enhances girth, makes for extra firmness, and adds an entire inch in length. And it fits snuggly around the testicles. Now, if I can just find somebody with a penis. Any volunteers?
Monday, April 13, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Kitchen Kartrashwaste Keeper (by purchasing Glad XXL bags and writing "Martha Stewart's Kitchen Kartrashwaste Keeper" over "Glad" with a Sharpie). This bag holds a lot of waste, as you can see. I only have to tell the servants to take one load out ever day or two. It's quite economical. And I'll sell you a box of 14 of them for just $72. But --Martha attempts humor and a flirtatious smile-- you don't get to keep me. Tootles!
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Jeep Jamboree. I then marinated a nice savory sauce with just a smidgen of jalapeno for added kick, to top off well boiled chicken guts and rabbit livers. 'Yahoo' and 'Yeehaw' and 'Kiss my nether regions'! and well all that sort of stuff. --Martha scans the scene.-- Now how do I get the *bleep* away from these *bleep-ers*?!
Friday, April 10, 2015
Labels: invigorating, Martha Stewart, pink glow-in-the-dark toy for women like Martha Stewart who can't find a real penis, vibrator
Thursday, April 9, 2015
The Hefty Heffer Hideaway is quite helpful for transporting various items. Simply lift up rolls of fat, carefully, and one by one. Next, place salad bowls, insider trade secrets, the Cuisinart, and handcuffs. It's a resourceful method for maximizing the Hefty Heffer Hideaway. As far as what you can fit between your legs, well --Martha blushes-- I'll let you figure that one out. Tootles.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Get Out of Jail Now Card. For only $70 Million, I'll sell you one. It's a VISA card worth $60 Million. You simply offer it to the Judge, IRS, Prosecuting Attorney, Prison Guard, or whomever tickles your fancy or nether regions. You'll quickly find yourself free from criminal prosecution and able to get back to fluffing your pillows and sharing trade secrets. Works like a charm. Now if you'll excuse me, my dogs are getting restless. Tootles.
fake furry friend. It's no secret that I love dogs. They love me too...in all the right ways. I sleep with my dogs, and I truly enjoy their warm, rugged hairs brushing up against my supple skin. Sometimes, too, they lick and nibble my nether regions. It feels quite nice. One drawback, however, is that the live ones sh*t and piss all over my bed-sheets. With the fake furry friend, you don't have to deal with that sh*t or piss. Plus, he has a fake tongue and fake teeth, so you can position him as you please and he'll stay there all night long. *Pleasurable sigh.* I'm not selling this product, and the story of how I conceived of him involves bestiality, so it's a story for another time. I'm going back to bed. Goodbye.