Hi. I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the
Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering. The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...
Martha blushes...besides, you know. Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. Tootles!
That's sick... that's just sick.
ReplyDeleteKinda makes a sloth (and human) puke, doesn't it?
DeleteNext thing you know, she'll be selling bronzed pubic hairs...
ReplyDeleteOh my, I'm tearing up from laughter. Ah, thanks.
DeleteHahaha I can just hear Martha's annoying voice on that commercial saying, "You want a piece of me"?
ReplyDeleteOnly she's saying it with an exclamation and not question mark at the end. =)
DeleteIck!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? How sick and twisted is that woman?!
DeleteIf you plant it, will it grow?
ReplyDeleteI still want to know about the egg beater. Is it like the end of Bachelor Party?
I didn't see that movie, Alex, but Martha did. So it probably is.
DeleteJust think what the scientist at Jurassic park could do with some of that DNA? We could have a Martha Park!
ReplyDeleteShe's enough of a dinosaur. This could just work, Jeff. Thanks.
DeleteOMG I need one of those. My hair comes out in clumps. :(
ReplyDeleteI shed like mad too. Stress. I'll order two for us, JoJo.
DeleteI am going to a special place in my head right now, where the imagery is so different.... ahhh happy place!
ReplyDeleteWill the colors be prettier with the Umbrella around your neck, Jeremy? It might help bring on the specialized head space factor.
DeleteWellll you can collect the hairs, but then what to do with them is the question.
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine, T? I recently saw something on tv about a person/group that collects and frames hair of famous people, now dead. YUCK!
DeleteMartha Stewart's hair to spare is better than talking about any hair down there...or egg beaters
ReplyDeleteOr her hair down there - she best not dare.
DeleteThe hair and the follicle~ omg, you could clone her!
ReplyDeleteCrap. What have I done?
DeleteHope she shampoos. Otherwise, that'd be weird.
ReplyDeleteYep. With Head and Shoulders. Or just Head.
Deleteunbelievable how you've come up with all this stuff, or rather Martha did. Wow.
ReplyDeleteShows how disturbed she is, Joanne. Sheesh.
DeleteOh I would think she would have those extension for down under:)
ReplyDeleteHaha! She does. I just didn't want to post any photos of that, Birgit.
DeleteAn egg beater... eeeee.....
ReplyDeleteWho knows what it's been beating, CW.
DeleteI don't think it's tight enough around her neck.
ReplyDeleteDoes the carpet match the drapes?
It's all part of a white, cushioned room, Jono.
DeleteAll those hair clippings! All those opportunities for DNA collecting anf cloning. What the hell am I saying????
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell have I started???
DeleteAnd, it doubles as one of those cones that will prevent Martha from licking and biting herself when she overdoses on Testosterone Marthrax. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteHilarious! It's harder for her to play with her nether regions too, with the Umbrella on.
DeleteThanks Martha, but I'm quite happy with my current method for collecting your hair :)
ReplyDeleteGood one, Michael. Does it involve a kangaroo?
DeleteDidgeridoo.
DeleteMartha will do anything to make a quick buck. I think I'll pass though. I have enough hair in my shower to last a good long while.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you don't want a lice infested follicle anyway.
DeleteThis is perfect for the gal who has everything when her vaginal vac runs out of batteries. Oops, I went backwards. No problem, I heard Martha likes it that way.
ReplyDeleteJulie
PRICELESS, Julie. Standing O! She likes it that way too.
DeleteShe could sell her hair for knitting...use the proceeds to buy her vacuum. Oh wait, she's not hurting for any money, I forgot.
ReplyDeletePlease God, don't anybody clone her from the DNA in one of those hair follicles!
ReplyDeleteAt first glance, I thought she was popping up out of a bag of trash in a trash can. For some reason that seemed appropriate.
ReplyDeleteWell she is certainly desperate.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! This one really made me laugh. I must say that I really missed these fun posts while I was away! Says, Good Martha :)
ReplyDelete