And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Martha Stewart's Umbrella Hair Collector: A-Z Challenge

Hi. I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. Tootles!

50 comments:

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    1. Kinda makes a sloth (and human) puke, doesn't it?

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  2. Next thing you know, she'll be selling bronzed pubic hairs...

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    1. Oh my, I'm tearing up from laughter. Ah, thanks.

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  3. Hahaha I can just hear Martha's annoying voice on that commercial saying, "You want a piece of me"?

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    1. Only she's saying it with an exclamation and not question mark at the end. =)

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    1. I know, right? How sick and twisted is that woman?!

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  5. If you plant it, will it grow?
    I still want to know about the egg beater. Is it like the end of Bachelor Party?

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    1. I didn't see that movie, Alex, but Martha did. So it probably is.

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  6. Just think what the scientist at Jurassic park could do with some of that DNA? We could have a Martha Park!

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    1. She's enough of a dinosaur. This could just work, Jeff. Thanks.

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  7. OMG I need one of those. My hair comes out in clumps. :(

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    1. I shed like mad too. Stress. I'll order two for us, JoJo.

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  8. I am going to a special place in my head right now, where the imagery is so different.... ahhh happy place!

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    1. Will the colors be prettier with the Umbrella around your neck, Jeremy? It might help bring on the specialized head space factor.

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  9. Wellll you can collect the hairs, but then what to do with them is the question.

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    1. Can you imagine, T? I recently saw something on tv about a person/group that collects and frames hair of famous people, now dead. YUCK!

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  10. Martha Stewart's hair to spare is better than talking about any hair down there...or egg beaters

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  11. The hair and the follicle~ omg, you could clone her!

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  12. Hope she shampoos. Otherwise, that'd be weird.

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  13. unbelievable how you've come up with all this stuff, or rather Martha did. Wow.

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  14. Oh I would think she would have those extension for down under:)

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    1. Haha! She does. I just didn't want to post any photos of that, Birgit.

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  15. I don't think it's tight enough around her neck.
    Does the carpet match the drapes?

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    1. It's all part of a white, cushioned room, Jono.

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  16. All those hair clippings! All those opportunities for DNA collecting anf cloning. What the hell am I saying????

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  17. And, it doubles as one of those cones that will prevent Martha from licking and biting herself when she overdoses on Testosterone Marthrax. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

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    1. Hilarious! It's harder for her to play with her nether regions too, with the Umbrella on.

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  18. Thanks Martha, but I'm quite happy with my current method for collecting your hair :)

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  19. Martha will do anything to make a quick buck. I think I'll pass though. I have enough hair in my shower to last a good long while.

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    1. Yeah, you don't want a lice infested follicle anyway.

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  20. This is perfect for the gal who has everything when her vaginal vac runs out of batteries. Oops, I went backwards. No problem, I heard Martha likes it that way.

    Julie

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    1. PRICELESS, Julie. Standing O! She likes it that way too.

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  21. She could sell her hair for knitting...use the proceeds to buy her vacuum. Oh wait, she's not hurting for any money, I forgot.

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  22. Please God, don't anybody clone her from the DNA in one of those hair follicles!

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  23. At first glance, I thought she was popping up out of a bag of trash in a trash can. For some reason that seemed appropriate.

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  24. Well she is certainly desperate.

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  25. Hahaha! This one really made me laugh. I must say that I really missed these fun posts while I was away! Says, Good Martha :)

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