Saturday, December 31, 2011

For Old Time's Sake: A Saturday Centus

Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus challenges us to write a piece within 100 words. This week's prompt is bolded below. Please visit other offerings here, and have a safe and happy New Year's 2012!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE


Resolution schmezolution

A year defined by destitution

Across the globe we witnessed strife

When will we learn to cherish life?

The i’s not capped with Pod or Pad

And dieting just drives us mad

We reach for more to sate the greed

When food and shelter’s all we need

So let’s be glad the year is gone

While we strive to mouth ye Auld Lang song

A new start is what the world needs

There’s just one thing I must concede:

I make no lists, for old time’s sake

And won’t scale down cocoa intake!



Thanks to all my sweet, funny, loyal followers of Life by Chocolate. 

HAVE A SAFE, WARM NEW YEAR’S AND A PEACEFUL 2012!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #150-54: Goldmimes and An-uses


Following a brief transgression into non-celibacy (see last two Paradise posts for the story, if you like), I’m back as a Born Again Celibate with reasons #150-154 for this state of existence. Why? The options are only getting scarier, my friends. Take a look at the following current internet dating ad blurbs (with my comments in italics)...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #150: Hi I'm a very hard worker can do some repairs arounds I like to camp and goldmime I’ve gotta tell ya, hon, I’m picturing a goldmime and it ain’t pretty. I like to go up in the mountains and just drive and look at the beatiful land I go caving at least once or twice a year some ppl think I'm crazy but I've been careful.  

Yeah, look out for those quiet but deadly goldmimes that like hanging out arounds the caves.

REASON #151: Hi, I am a nice and young guy to get alone with. Alone with what? I work, go to school, and workout six days a week. I am single, have my own car, and my own place. I am looking for someone to hang out with tonight and maybe cuddle. It would be a cold night. 

A cold night cuddling with you? Sweetie it’s like this: I’ve had worse offers. I just can’t think of any right now. Oh wait. Here’s one. He wants to meet me:

REASON #152: Politically, I am a Moderate, so I'm flexible in that area. However, religiously I am a Nazarite. Say what? This term sounds rather anti-Jewish. Upon a bit of research, I’m even more confused on this Nazarite thing you do, but I’ll be fair and let you continue…As a result, if you don't believe in GOD, I don't want you. Hm, um, okay, this could be offensive but I’ll be fair and let you speak your mindlessness…If you believe in Jesus, it shows me you have been too busy to research the origins, and validity of your religion. Oh no you didn’t say that. However, if you do believe in The LORD, and you have done your homework, when it comes to the pagan solar deity concocted by Rome, I admire/applaud you. Christ never existed, he is merely a symbol of the age of Pisces. Of course, Mary is Virgo, and the apostles are constellations. The Mark of the beast is a cross.(Daniel 7:25) Don't get me wrong, it's okay if you believe in walking on water, rising from the dead, feeding multitudes with two loaves of bread, etc. It's also okay, if you don't know his story was plagiarized from Mithra, Dionysus, Horus, Krishna, and many others. What's not okay, is if we are about to run out of fuel, in the middle of Nevada, and I am praying to ELOHIM, and you are praying to Je-Zeus. They threw Jonah overboard for a reason. lol. A relationship is two people, with our Heavenly Father included. Without him, we are Godless apes. With him, we just might be...an us, and a we. 

I think it’s only fair to say that with or without your Diety, you are anus and I don’t support or understand any of the crap you just spewed.

REASON #154: I would lve to meet new people. O'm a plastic Sugeon, but i'm not superficial. I'm big hearted. I'm not opposed to dating and seeing what happens. I think woman are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. I tend to date older woman, but that does not mean a younger one couldn't be mature and a good fit. Please say hi. I travel a lot to do surgeries pro-bono in other states maybe we could hang out. Say hi soon  

No’ce try to pass yourself off as a do’mctor, dude.

REASON #155: this sh*t is amusing!    I can't argue with your headline but I won't date you.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Latest in Chocolate: Chocolate Goldfish Grahams

It's likely a first for Pepperidge Farms: a product fail. They took the orange, salty and addicting goldfish and turned 'em into Grahams, chocolate goldfish.  Since I love graham crackers and we know how I feel about chocolate, I happily purchased this little carton for a mere dollar. Don't do it, folks, not for New Year's, not ever. Even your kids won't be fooled. These brown fish don't taste chocolaty or graham-crackery or salty or sweet. They don't really taste like anything in particular.

They're not horrible, and I did finish the whole thing (I had to keep testing my taste buds to make sure I wasn't being overly harsh), but I'm afraid the Farms failed with this one. Chocolate Goldfish Grahams just aren't good.

So stick with the tried-and-true Pepperidge Farms Goldfish if you're into salty snacks; the cookies, if you've got a sweet tooth. Just don't fish for these.

On a scale of 1-10, I give Pepperidge Farms' Grahams a 3.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmastime Poem: No Matter What





No Matter What

Whatever the season  

No matter the reason

May you taste of the sweet

And sense the complete

May you grow through life's plight 

Hold out for what's right


Keep reaching for more 

Not want at the store

Whatever the season

No matter the reason

May you love beyond fears



                                                                                

And laugh past your tears 

May you like what you see

And hear harmony

Whatever the season 

No matter the reason

And all the year through 

Life's blessings to you.



MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Happy Chanukah!


Get your dreidles* ready. Chanukah's about to start. The word, "Hanukah/Hannukah/Chanukah...", Hebrew for dedication, can be spelled over a dozen different ways. So don't worry about misspelling it. Just enjoy the food and fun.

Tonight sparks our eight day celebration of the Maccabees' (small Jewish army's) victory over the evil Antiochus (Assyrian/Greek ruler) in days of 'ole We're talking really 'ole, nearly 200 years before Jesus' birth.

At the battle's end, the Maccabees entered the Holy Temple that had been savagely destroyed. One tiny bit of oil remained, and this drop miraculously provided sufficient light for the Maccabees to rebuild and rededicate the Temple.

In a world where intolerance and oppression thrive, we are wholeheartedly grateful for our freedom to worship -or not worship- as we choose. The Jewish people pray and work towards tikkun olam, a healed world, one at peace. On Hanukah, as during many other Jewish holidays, we rededicate ourselves to this cause.

Of course, no Jewish holiday is without yummy eats. Chanukah involves deep-frying; we use lots of that holy oily stuff called oil. To get a taste of Chanukah, I highly recommend picking up a Potato Pancake/Latke Mix at your local supermarket. You can find these in the Ethnic Foods section. Manischewitz and Streit's are two brands, but it's all good. Just add water and eggs, then get cooking. Mix in a few onion shards, and they'll look homemade. I like to douse mine in the sour cream-apple sauce combination. Of course, I've even enjoyed chocolate chip latkes, but that's an acquired taste.

Whatever your practice, may you appreciate life's miracles this holiday season and in the new year.

HAPPY CHANUKAH to those joining the festivities! 
_____
*Dreidles are the spinning tops we play with on Chanukah. Each side has a Hebrew letter, and each letter means something different (e.g., "Win half the pot" or "Lose one"). Play with pennies or, better yet, candy.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Top 10 Stupidest Personal Ads of 2011


As 2011 begins to end, the entire cast and crew of Life by Chocolate wishes to pay tribute to this year's TOP 10 STUPIDEST ATTEMPTS AT CYBER-LOVE. By unanimous vote, in reverse order, found on popular internet dating sites and unaltered by any of our staff members, here are this year's winners.
*****
 
10) I am a BANANA!!! 

That’s your headline? Alright, you fed me the line, so let’s see you split.

9) Hmmm.... I wear a lot of black. A LOT. But not because I'm weird, it's just my favorite color and it just so happens to go with everything I also wear dress socks, no matter what. Weird? Maybe. Fun? Yes.

8) I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic.

7) Timing is everything almost, but with out it one is sure to let out surprising noises occasionally…Fog Horn Leg Horn is my friend but the Chicken Hawk is my hero. I feed my cat raw chicken legs and fish…I love bomb sniffing dogs and don’t believe in airport searches. Have I hypnotized you yet? Email me as soon as you finish reading (snap).

Sure thing. Excuse me while I go start reading War and Peace (Snap).

6) Im at a lost for words at the momonet.... 

5)  I hope to learn to read someday. I listen to whale sounds instead of music, you should hear them on drums! I like chocolate on my pants and someone to get it off.  

That’s one form of chocolate I’m not tempted by.

4) I see my self politically as a nonpartisan, until both of the the party start listing to what us the common man & women have say. In the United State Constitution! it say this country was found for the people & bye the people, and when two party that are running this country start listening to us the people will thing get better…Long may the flag that represents our frredom wave.

Run, Forrest! Run for office!

3) i am 50 yrs old but my profile says i am 39 yrs old.I made a mistake and its hard to make another account so i will just retain this account.

That’s a rather suspicious mistake, ‘ole man. If it’s weighing on your conscience, try the “Edit profile” function.

2) I am looking for a wonderfull woman to move into my room with me in my folks basement if all goes well she (you ) will take care of me and spend all your money on me rather then bills or anything else. after a while I will let my true colors shine through and let you use my crack pipe and take a sip off my 40 (room temp) momma don't let me put it in the ice chest / fridge. I know that gotcha going. just so you know I have my own place sort of it's me and my kids I would like to meet a nice girl that can also be a lady who can fit on the back of my motorcycle ....no it,s not a hog ITS A HONDA sabre vroom vroom.

I’d prefer smoking crack in the basement with your momma.

1)  I  am a full time father 50% of the time.

Math isn’t your strong suit, is it?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Deja Vu Blogfest! Rudolph's Special Problem

 Thanks to D L Hammons at Cruising Altitude here, for hosting this Deja Vu blogfest. In line with the task, I'm posting an old favorite. It's one I had a lot of fun with, and it's inappropriately appropriate to the season. 

Rudolph's Special Problem was my offering for Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus last December. The Centus challenge typically involves composing a piece within 100 words based on a prompt, and I've bolded the prompt below. 

Thanks for visiting, hop around, happy Friday, and may you experience deja vu in the warmest of ways this holiday season!

~apologies here - Blogfest image didn't take.~ (deja vu!)
 

Rudolph's Special Problem

Times are tough. Rudolph's lost his charge. The poor deer's tried everything: LED bulbs, performance enhancing pills, Emotional Freeing Techniques...to no avail.

Meanwhile, Santa patronizes Starbucks. Gulping a grande chai nog, he ponders Plan B. Do I pick the Tom Tom, Garmin, or Magellan? Shall I shop Best Buy, Costco, eBay or Amazon? Farklempt,* he skypes the elves for a consult.

Vixen and Prancer strut by, giggling about Rudolph's special problem.

Eyeing Santa's laptop, Vixen sneers, "What was he thinking? OMG! Elves are soooo 2009..."


"Totally," adds Prancer. "Hasn't he heard of outsourcing?"

Santa flashes the deers a gesture that's inappropriate for the season and this Centus.

***

*Farklempt= Yiddish. Utterly flustered and discouraged.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Woman on the Verge of Paradise and Why I Choose Celibacy Again

 
Sign reads: May you find Paradise to be all that its name implies.
Thanks for joining me on the verge of Paradise, as a new chapter of my life unfolds. This series can be found in the Paradise button to the left. While I alter some details to protect the guilty, I strive for accuracy in terms of content. This post follows from the last. I hope you enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
I’m embarrassed to say I broke my celibacy* I know, I know. Here I’d made all this progress, honing in on 150 reasons for continuing a celibate existence these past 19 years or months or so. A strong, intelligent, independent woman I am. Yet, in a moment of shameful weakness, I gave my celibacy to the cockatiel boasting, trapeze swinging, hot wax fingering SeƱor Salsa.

We were supposed to go for dinner that night. Instead, after we left the dance club, he said he just wanted to unwind -with me, at his place. Last I checked, unwinding involved some wine, a foot or back massage, and/or a moment or two of romance before the games began. Am I right, or did romance die with chivalry? I wasn’t even offered tap water in a Styrofoam cup. Instead, as soon as I got to his place, he went straight to fondling …the remote. We watched TV on the couch in his living room, kind of.  When his hands started to wander away from the remote, I had a word with him:

“I really didn’t like all the teasing about my height.”
“I’m sorry, I told you, you remind me of my sister.”
“Yeah and, well, a woman doesn’t want to hear that she reminds a man of his sister.”
He laughed and asked, “Who should I have said you remind me of?”
I was about to suggest my uncanny resemblance to Jennifer Aniston (It was really dark in his living room at the time) when he broke me down:

“You are very sexy. You make me think crazy thoughts.”

That’s when the breakage began. It continued for about 90 minutes. It was fun for the first five minutes and for another thirty seconds mid-way through. But he placed appendages in strange positions causing me to say a meager “ouch” several times. I wasn’t even tempted to go for broke. It wasn’t a breakage like in a Jewish wedding when the groom shatters the glass and the crowds cheer “Mazel Tov!” There wasn’t sex either. And I left well before he wanted me to.

A few days later he sent an email: “Hey girl how are you?” I’m not sure what baffled me more, his grammar or lingo. Either way, I responded that I was fine but didn’t want to take things further.  In turn, he said he understood and has been perfectly cordial and friendly with me since. The fact that things are finally feeling normal between us, after all the abnormalities, feels unusually abnormal to me. 

At any rate, I’m still a bit ashamed. I’m also still smiling.
______
*I'm embarrassed to say, this whole time, I had the wrong definition of "celibacy" in mind. Either I'm incredibly naive, and/or the definition has changed over the years. We'll go with the former. Maybe Mom wanted me to think celibacy involved avoiding kissing. That's what I grew up believing it meant. Only recently (I'm revisiting this post years later), I learned that celibacy refers to abstaining only from intercourse. Thus, like me, a person can be celibate for years on end but still have a good time. According to the conventional definition, then, I'm still celibate, and it's my usual status. Woohoo!