Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. I decided that my inability to get a good *bleep*, or any *bleep* for that matter, is due to my competition. Men don't seem to realize that us --
Martha clears her throat--
mature women can get rough and naughty like the other gals. So I've created the
enemy elixir. This should put the competition out long enough to have a good *bleep* with their consciously uncoupled partners. I'll give you the formula upon receipt of $650,000. First, watch this! I think that Paltrow *bleep* is about to fall for it!
I like the idea of an "Enemy Elixir," but I'd probably skip the bleeping part. It might be more fun to just draw mustaches on them while they're out cold. Honestly, I'm still trying to get over your erotica bonus post. Martha would hate you for it, Robyn. It's that good.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Thank you, thank you, Julie. As Geo pointed out, there was a major power outage in the greater area. I'm just connecting now (after 2pm), and I left town to go on-line. Me thinks Martha might already hate me. Score! And you'd use permanent marker for the mustaches, right? That would be more fun.
DeleteThe consciously uncoupled ones would probably want the elixir for themselves. In double doses to protect them from a fate worse than death.
ReplyDeleteLord knows they'd need it to enhance their consciousness - whatever that means. It makes more sense, somehow, than "conscious uncoupling."
DeleteThanks, EC. I was so glad to see Alex featuring you today.
Thank you. It was really generous of him. It feels undeserved but welcome if that makes sense.
DeleteWhen I first read this - my wayward mind read - enema. Oops. Though it might be that enemy is the plural. I mean, what a boatload of *bleep* for $650,000!
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious, DC! Love it. There's no enema in this series (Why didn't I think of that?), but you will find the vaginal vacuum whence we reach V.
DeleteSorry Martha, not even if you were the last *bleeping* woman on earth...
ReplyDeleteHaha, love it, Alex. You have standards.
DeleteI don't know about 'enemy' elixer but I'd like to find some 'energy' elixer
ReplyDeleteI'd pay good money (if I had any) for that too, Delores.
DeleteThanks for the morning laugh. I am sure Martha is somewhere holding a "Robyn-doll" impaled with voodoo pins
ReplyDeleteNow that you say that, I am feeling some pangs of pain in my neck and thighs, Sage...Coincidence? It coincides with this morning's power outage in Chico too.
DeleteI'm wondering about the secret ingredients of that enemy elixer :)
ReplyDeleteRumour has it, she mixed in some Martha Stewart fruitcake. Eww.
DeleteDoesn't Bill Cosby already have a patent on that knockout elixir?
ReplyDeleteCosby's too stupid to have gotten it patented, BnB. Martie simply switched roofies for her fruitcake - same effect but sounds legit.
DeleteOh. I can imagine oodles of sales on that Enemy Elixir. LOL
ReplyDeleteLittle does she know people will slip it into Martha's champagne bottles.
DeleteWell Martha you are a hottie in the kitchen.
ReplyDeleteShe takes even more pride in her bedroom skills, Jeremy. (Pillow designing and all).
DeleteWouldn't that just be called a roofie? These ancient people should get with the times
ReplyDeleteUnder normal circumstances (e.g., when I'm not completely clueless about drugs and when I'm not trying to think of an E for the A-Z Challenge and happened upon the perfect photo of Gwyneth Paltrow for this), yes it would, Pat.
DeleteMartha, you scheming bitch!
ReplyDeleteSo true, Debra. LOL.
DeleteThat's illegal. She could end up in JAIL! ;)
ReplyDeleteGood point, Rosey. Seems she wants to reunite with her prison buds. Guess she had an exciting time there.
DeleteIs there chocolate in that elixir, Martha? Do you have a recipe so I can make it from my homegrown cocoa beans?
ReplyDeletePsst, it has fruitcake in it, Stephen. No chocolate, though. It's not at all tasty. Any more secrets and I'd have to charge you. Or kill you. But you're a friend and I'm usually a pacifist, so I'll shut-up now.
DeleteCan't I just have the elixir to do in the people I don't like? I have no interest in bleeping their partners; I have my own partner for that. lol
ReplyDeleteYou just made me burst into laughter. I'm at a Starbucks, and people are looking at me funnily. It's all good. See above, JoJo. Hint: fruitcake.
DeleteAnd to think we share the same name...*sigh*.... I wonder if she'll ever run across your blog and see all this. That would be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI keep tweeting away in hopes that one of her many servants will see this, Good Martha. I think that's what I'll call you from now on.
DeleteIs Martha reading this blog? All the electricity in Chico conked out this morning. Does she really have that kind of power?
ReplyDeleteYou heard, Geo?! I forget where you live. Yeah, major ordeal. So what did I do? Pack my laptop and drive 42 miles to Red Bluff, found a Starbucks immediately, and got plugged in. By the time I'd gotten here, I learned it was back on. In other words, I think that *bleep* is behind it.
DeleteMature...immature, it's all good.
ReplyDeleteAs long as it's a lady.
Check that, she doesn't even need to be a lady.
As long as she's female.
Check that, a female HUMAN.
Over 18.
I am such a ho.
I hope you wouldn't do Martha, Al.
DeleteThat's worse than doing Bones, and he doesn't have a vajay jay or a penis.
Hmmmm The enemy elixir sounds like something Martha would dream up and use.
ReplyDeleteShe would. She has no conscience and she really hates Gwyneth Paltrow.
Deleteenemy elixir served in a stunning designer glass complete with a garnish Perfect
ReplyDeleteShe thought the olive was a nice touch, Joanne. Paltrow isn't smart, but I don't think she'll fall for this one.
DeleteNever take a drink from a horny businesswoman.
ReplyDeleteOne of life's lessons, CW. Hopefully not one you learned in kindergarten.
DeleteI don't ever remember Mrs. Leaders as horny... but hell, I was past the Nuns at St. Louis before I figured out what that even was.
DeleteI didn't learn the word til, well, fairly recently. "Horny" is a strange, stigmatizing word for someone who really wants to get laid. For Martha Stewart, it's a relatively kind word.
DeleteI want that elixir!! Not for anything Martha would do, but I'm pretty sure I could find a use or two for it.
ReplyDeleteWe could all find a use for it, if only to slip into Martha's drinks.
DeleteThe enemy elixer. Is it organic? Does it have eggs from eggs Martha's chickens laid? Is the olive an heirloom variety? Can you find it on Pinterest? Inquiring minds want to know. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMartha laid the eggs herself, Alana. She was THAT desperate for a lay. And she assures that everything she makes goes on Pinterest.
Delete