My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Martha Stewart Returns to Speak on Irrelevance

Robyn: Ladies and Gentlemen,
Start spreadin' the newwwws! a (semi) manly bare-chested Martha blasts onto our stage, flailing and kicking dramatically, as she belts out  I'm leavin' today! I want to-- Robyn: Martha! Stop! Shush! Martha, determined to finish, skips to her grand finale: New York! New-eww-ewww, YORK!!! She extends her arms to her sides and bows repeatedly for the (non existing) audience. Robyn: You've totally lost it, lady! We had a beautiful break from you---  Martha: Oh what a beautiful mooorrrning! Oh what a beautiful--- STOP! Robyn screams. QUIET! Martha stops, insulted. Well, someone hasn't gotten any in a long, long time. And I know long. I used to date Anthony Hopkins,* you know. (*True story - they lasted one year.) Robyn: Talk about scary.  For him. Look, here's the thing, woman. You're completely irrelevant. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is paying attention to you anymore. You mean nothing. How are you dealing with this vast amount of irrelevance, Martie? Martha: It's simple really. Martha smiles. Now, I've never had irregulations myself. But the best measure is to pluck a handful of nice, juicy prunes from your fresh spring garden. Oh how I miss the prison's garden! -Sigh- Slice them babies up into bite-sized pieces, and add them to my specialty salad - with a fistful of robust pine nuts and a squirt of light vinaigrette. Grope the salad with both hands to squeeze out the flowing liquid and -- Martha unleashes an excited exhale, then wipes a bead of sweat from her brow -- Oh where is my carrot? Robyn: Leave! Now! Crazy b*tch!   Robyn then turns to the camera and addresses the home viewers. I'm very sorry for these zany antics, my friends.  
Please have a safe and pleasant week. 
Keep a smile and stay silly!
You are relevant.   

 
 

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Reasons for Celibacy, #18-23

My Dears,
   Sorry I've been gone for a bit. Lots going on - mostly good, the rest manageable. The good stuff, I'll report to you when time is right and fairly soon.
   How are you doing?
   Laughter is always needed. I hope to provide. That said, I now present reasons 18-23 for a celibate existence. These are, as usual, lifted directly from on-line ads and embellished by my snark.
   Keep a smile and some good chocolate handy.
   Love ya.
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REASON 18: I like to go to the movies rock concerts. You mean, like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too? I like the little things in lif  Is lif the medication you’re taking?  I suggest an increased dosage. It might help you focus enough to find spellcheck.

REASON #19: I like big butts. I cannot lie. The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens. If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #20: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #21: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. Let's talk about it. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. You mention Zeppelin and “real literature” in the same sentence! What kind of gal do you think I am?

REASON #22: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this… I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time!

REASON #23: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Sounds like (you’re) an oxymoron. 

For fun, I entered a Peep Diorama contest. I didn't win, but I'm quite certain Gumby had a great time. (Hint: See lower left side of photo.)
                                                                Flo's Peep Show



Sunday, April 1, 2018

The Holy Trinity: Robyn, Bernie, and the Pope

Happy Easter.

I'm spending my day with (my) Bernie...Alright, I confess, that was a poor attempt at an April Fool's Day joke. Don't fall for any of those. You won't; you're too smart for that. (I always do, though.)

Be well, Silliest of the most Silly.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Spring Kugel, Reasons for Celibacy, Matzah Crack

Dear Sillies,
   Alas, spring hath sprung. With its entrance, may your spirits be lifted. I always appreciate - as much as rain is needed in California - the feeling of the sun warming my face.
   And we've a few holidays around the bend. My people celebrate Passover soon. We Jews love a good kugel too; during Passover, that would take the form of a matzah kugel. By matzah, I'm referring to a very bland big cracker. By kugel, I'm referring to a mix of tasty things - like quiche, only enjoyable.
   That said, on with my kugel post...

   Naturally, my favorite way to flavor matzah is to drown it in chocolate. We playfully call chocolate matzah "matzah crack" --it's that addicting.
   This store bought Israeli Chocolate Covered Matzah, though, missed the mark. The chocolate was chipping off in large pieces, and there's not enough chocolate to drown out the non-taste of the tasteless matzah. Thus, I was disappointed. I'd have to give this a 4 on a 1-10 scale. The intent was sweet, and it's kosher, but don't be tempted to buy this product.
   I do very strongly advise that you find and devour some home-or-bakery made matzah crack. You will LOVE it. I promise. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Otherwise, Dude Three and Skanky are still neighbors. I'm working, friends, on being tall - as you suggested. I've gotta tell you, though, it's not easy. Nor is it natural for me. In fact, it's simply not possible. Have you seen me? I'm only 4'8". But I love you, and I understand the sentiment, so I shall keep working on growth.
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And finally, three more reasons for a straight, single gal like me to remain celibate. What's in bold was lifted directly from personal ads. What's italicized was added by me. Enjoy.

REASON #18: Looking for down to earth girl next door. 
Dude, did you think to knock? If that doesn’t work, try the doorbell.

REASON #19: Goals dont have any  
Somehow, I’m not motivated to pursue you.

This one, Mr. Cemeteries, is my all-time favorite.
REASON #20:  need to drop about 20lb Don't drop it on your foot, babe. That could hurt. like to meet some one to see the sights with have a good dinner with, to go any further than that it all depends on the cemeteries we have, Really? ‘Cuz mutual cemeteries can kill a relationship. I think if the cemeteries is good the rest can fail. I take it you're both a planner and a plotter, is that right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Take care of yourselves.
   Keep a smile and a stash of the sweet stuff.


Friday, March 16, 2018

Saint Patrick's Erotica

Dear Sillies,
How are you? I hope you're feeling worthy and and upbeat spirits.
It's that time again - time to...get lucky, any way you can. I'm unsure what that means for me, realistically, but I'll wear green just in case I run into Bernie.
Much love, luck, and laughter to you and yours.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Reasons for Celibacy #12-17

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you kindly.
And now, let's return to this series.
I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White shared a moment. Note: I look happy. Betty looks suspect. Enough banter, onto more serious matters - reasons #12-17 for a smart, straight gal to choose celibacy. Taken directly from internet dating ads, and enhanced (err, diminished) by my italicized snark, please enjoy:

REASON #12: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too? 

REASON #13: my job: union: Oakland Steel Erection
In spite of your arrogance, give me a call. Wink. 

REASON #14: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!

REASON #15: NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE. IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow: How do you coast ta cost? Do ya do it over or under ta road? How much does it cost? Does it cost less if you coast the whole way over? 

REASON #16: Looking for some real people no fake *ss
Well, look no further, dude. See photo and/or ask Betty. That *ss ain't fake.
 
REASON #17: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS; THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. Gimme a moment while I check with Human Resources. NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Please Will You Not Be My Neighbor?



   As you guessed, Dears, Dude Three and Skanky are an item. What irks me most is the knife in my back. She’d been very friendly. I’d confided in her about the breakup. I even told her that he has a bad temper. Clearly, she has zero standards. And all the while, they were moving in on each other. (I’d casually introduced them once before.)
   I mean, really? If I wanted to live on Melrose Place, I’d live on Melrose Place. It’s actually a complex in Jackson, Mississippi. So, no thanks. 
   Although Chico feels like a small town to me, it’s nearing 100,000 people. There are plenty of other single pot-smoking boozers out there. (They both are. In fact, that double bonus category seems to include everyone around here except me.).
   Furthermore, he moved in with her immediately. As in, my new neighbor is Dude Three. Isn’t that special?
   I found this all out when she posted a photo of them holding hands on their first date, bragging about her new boyfriend. Although tempted to respond to the post itself, I didn’t and don’t want to be connected to either of them. They look(ed) like juvenile dorks.

   I messaged her: “You’re dating my ex? I would NEVER date a friend’s ex. That’s inappropriate and awkward, especially after I was so nice to you. I confided in you about our breakup, gave you homemade fudge and latkes for the holidays, we practiced together for the show, all the while with you two starting something?! I feel betrayed and disrespected by both of you.”
   Skanky: “We didn’t get together to hurt you. We hope you can find a way to heal and manifest your beautiful spirit.”
   Me: “I only have one thing left to say: Karma. It’s real. Ciao, neighbor.”

   I hate driving by his car daily. I hate parking next to her car every day. I hate the sight of either of them. But I do like the fact that my presence is surely uncomfortable for both of them too. Plus, I’m thinking of leaving condoms on his windshield. Why? Because he hates them.  
   They deserve each other.  Karma’s in the fact that they're together. And thank goodness it’s not me he’s coming home to.

   How about you? Ever have this type of neighborly situation? I welcome any and all advice.
   Regardless, please be well and take care of yourselves.
   Have a great week, my Sillies.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Acting as Annie Bidwell: Dude Three and How Can I Miss You If You Won't Ever Leave?



Dear Sillies,
  May this find you well and taking good care of yourselves.   
  Through no fault of my own, except that I chose another loser, Dude Three’s presence in my life poses an ongoing challenge. I know, right? I ended that relationship four months ago!
   Please stick with me, as we embark upon a seemingly unrelated, related story about my hometown.
   Chico, CA was founded by heroic trailblazer and statesman John Bidwell. John courted and married Annie Kennedy (not related to the famed Kennedy family) - Civil War era. This remarkable duo graced and saved countless lives –including those of Native Indians, on whose land we reside—brought trees from across the world onto our formerly desolate region, and much more.
     Annie and I were similar in a few ways: We were both the second of four children, both June babies passionate about social justice, and we abstain(ed) from drinking. Most strikingly, Annie was exactly my height – 4’8”. (John was at least 6’ tall. I have yet to meet anyone my exact height.)
     Annie Kennedy Bidwell (6/30/1839-3/9/1918)
  
   Let’s start to connect the dots: Approximately 6 weeks after the breakup, a neighbor, we’ll call her . . . let's see, "Skanky," messaged me. “We need someone short to play Annie Bidwell in the Christmas show. Are you up for it?”
   This involved welcoming guests into Bidwell Mansion (where the couple resided) and performing a skit with Skanky.  Skanky and I were friends, and she'd been in the skit for several years. Their usual Annie was out of the country.
   In short (pun intended), I couldn't turn it down. 
   Here’s me as Annie Bidwell.
It was a big, little honor and loads of fun. 
Little (no pun intended this time) did I know what was going on behind the scenes…to be continued.