And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Ushdoo, Martha's Umbrella, A-Z Challenge

Usher: Free me! Let my people go!
Robyn: Wh-wait? Usher, you celebrate Passover? That's hot!
Usher: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am. I jus was tryin' to get my suitcase back from Trump Towers.
Robyn: Oh, sorry, dude. I didn't think you'd mind doing the Ushdoo. And Trump asked for one of those "Brown people" so he looks like he's not racist. And you're a cute one.

Usher, nodding: I know.

Trump:   Look, Usher, I told you 11 years ago I'd take care of it. Didn't I? I'm kinda busy, in case you didn't notice. I'm a very busy man. I'm a very smart man too. And I'm rich. I have billions of dollars. I'm very, very rich. I like Blacks and coloreds and some of the Mexicans are my servants. The others, though, they ruin our country. The Mexican Muslims are terrorists. Let's make America hate again! I mean, let's make America great again! And why'd you leave your suitcase at the reception area of a hotel with $100,000 of stuff in it? Are you mentally impotent? I'm very smart. And rich. I'm really rich...

On-line article dated 04/18/2005 AT 09:00 AM EDT
ROBBED: Usher claims a suitcase of his containing $100,000 worth of belongings was taken Friday from New York's Trump International Hotel by someone posing as a member of his posse, reports the New York Post, which also quotes Donald Trump as promising to make good on the loss. "I told him we'll get it solved," The Apprentice host said. Trump adds, referring to the missing article: "I'm trying to figure out why somebody would leave a bag at the front desk."

Martha: Did someone say "escort"? Oh, that was "Usher." Never mind. But look at me, folks. Ignore those two. I can't stand it when other people get attention.
 
"I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. *F*ck yeah!*"

25 comments:

  1. In Poe's "Fall of the House Of Usher" the story closes with the house splitting in half and falling in a lake. Your excellent sequel shows the upper fraction of Usher submerging in the hair of Trump. Obviously, this is a misfortune of 2 centuries' incubation. I'd stand back. There should be traffic cones.

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    1. Geo, there's a whole awesome series here. We need to send this to Hollywood!

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  2. If Trump had even half the style and swagger of Usher maybe he would be more likeable.

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  3. I wonder if Trump ever did make good on that promise...

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    1. I wonder too, Alex. From the looks of things, it hasn't been a priority.

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  4. With Usher on his head, the Donald gets to play like the Voice as Prez. Swivel chair in the Oval.

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    1. Ha. I like it, Joanne. Only nobody will want to be on that team now.

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  5. Maybe that's how he keeps money rolling in, pretending to be part of a posse and then swipes the riches, or he just swipes anyway.

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    1. Oh, I didn't think of that, Pat. It's a good strategy - leave a suitcase with $100,000 of stuff in it unattended at Trump Towers and become more stinkin' rich. Repeat.

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  6. With an egg beater? Is that legal?

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  7. You've got Trump's speech patterns and cadence down to a, well, down to a T!

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    1. Thanks, Deb. He's really rich. He's a billionaire. He has billions. And he's smart. ;)

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  8. I KNEW Usher wasn't Jewish.
    He don't look it.

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  9. Did you know Trump has medium-sized hands? That's an important piece of information that can and should be used when posting about him. Sorry I wasn't here in time. Sorry I haven't been here for A toT, too, but there's just so many hours in this month.

    Can I get a Ushdoo on Amazon?

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  10. While Usher is cute, even he can't draw attention away from Trump's scowling face.

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  11. Let me get this straight--Trump is rich? Who knew?

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  12. I think that hair umbrella thing would look good on Trump. I think he's overdue for a haircut.

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  13. Has he filed a law suit against you yet, Robyn? You're probably on the list :)

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    1. Probably, Martha. Good thing it's a long list. Come to think of it, I did get served yesterday. Then again, that was at a local eatery.

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  14. Why does Usher have that much I. A suitcase and then leave it at the front desk like I leave my suitcase full of clothes that I bought at Giant Tiger?? Trump would never use Martha's hair collector since all he does when hE gets home, is stand at the mirror say "Off" and that piece just walks off his head and onto the nightstand.

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