Thursday, June 24, 2010

Vote For Me! Ban All Dates!



I’m running for public office. Don’t get too excited, because I’m not exactly running. I’m not a real runner. It’s more like a power walk. Okay, a slow jog. Well, no, it’s a walk during which I lift my feet with a bit of bounce. The bounce comes from the upper part of my body, but that’s not the point. Alright, damnit, it’s a frickin crawl! Geeze, you’re a tough crowd!

Nevertheless, and as I was profoundly declaring, I’m running for public office. Said office would be a little postal station just around the corner that's open to the public. I figure I need the exercise. Plus, I have a platform. Since I’m short, I need one to wash dishes and all. Some might call it a step ladder, but platform makes me sound even more glorious than I choose to think I am. No need to ridicule me, my peeps. I do have a political agenda. It has to do with dates, all dates, and we know how I feel about dates. Naturally, my agenda involves banning all dates. I’m not even talking about the BDFH (blind date from hell) thing. I’m talking about all of the miserable, sappy anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. They shall all be banned, with a few exceptions. We can keep any blogoversaries or blog milestones, as we bloggers are the most important people in the blogosphere.

Back to my political agenda, which I will now spell out as follows:
~ Birthday celebrations shall heretofore be banned past age 29, but reinstituted at age 100.
~ Anniversary celebrations shall heretofore be banned.
~ Holidays shall heretofore be banned from every single calendar.
~ One holiday will heretofore be added to every single calendar: a day to commemorate the life and death (with emphasis on the latter) of the person(s) who invented holidays and anniversary celebrations.

Seriously, did you ever think what it was for us little Jewish kids to be instructed to make a Christmas card every year, much less sit on Santa's Gentilic lap? More seriously, not every child is fortunate to have both parents around. What happens to them when it comes time to make a Mother’s or Father’s Day gift? Isn’t the joy some parents feel on these days when their child brings home a paper mache paperweight trumped by the pain some other kids feel on these days because they don't have a parent to give their paper mache paperweight to? Furthermore, birthdays come equipped with a package of angst for those over 29 and under 100, and -well- don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day! Oh no, no I say. Let’s not get me going on that one, not in June!

As a caveat (in microscopic script at the bottom of my platform statement), you get to celebrate anything you like. I want a few votes, after all. Just celebrate in private. Will ya? It need not be a worldwide in-your-face shindig, to make the rest of us non-celebratory types miserable.

I need to win fast, and absentee ballots will only be accepted in the state of Florida. (They like counting those hanging chads over there.) Please hurry. I’ve got lots of stuff on the calendar in the coming week that I’d like to extinguish: my mom’s birthday (she would be turning 75 if she were still alive), my parents’ anniversary (it would’ve been their 46th if, if, if..), my birthday (it will be my 34th give or give 10 years), and my wedding anniversary. It's all pretty darn depressing, and I don’t need the added reminders of a date on the calendar. I prefer denial, chocolate, and a political victory. It is the American way, after all. Plus, it appears to be the only way I'll ever get some action - if you know what I mean. So vote for me! Ban all dates!

23 comments:

  1. The year I turned 39, I told my husband I wanted a HUGE party because it was the last birthday I would be celebrating. So we had about 100 guests. It was a blast. Now I have changed my mind. I still plan to celebrate birthdays, I'll just keep celebrating my 39th over and over and over again! Works for me. :)

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  2. First let me say that the picture of you is great. Don't try and tell me it's photoshopped because no way are computers that advances to create such a realistic image.

    The Jehovahs ban all holidays and the one I knew didn't seem all that happy about missing out of the high present ones. Plus she was VERY slutty like all Jehovah girls seem to be. A lot of sexual abuse in their pasts and no accountability for the perps by higher ups.

    But I do like that I don't have to wait until my birthday to eat a huge cake with frosting and icecream. I can add that to my day planner for everyday.

    Why not just make every weekend a LONG weekend while you elimate all the holidays. More people could be given word to make up more manhours and not bankrupt the company. Besides, Four On, Three Off is just a civilized way of doing things.

    I like the cut of your jib girl. You got my vote.

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  3. I'm game. I don't celebrate much of anything, anyway.

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  4. The only dates I remember are the summer and winter solstices, when the witches do crazy nekkid stuff. I give you 3 votes - one for you, and one for each of your boobs.

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  5. Firstly, that's a great picture. The White House, the Lawn, the trees and the paper tear under your neck. They all look great.
    Birthdays back at age 100? I would say 150. C'mon only fifty more years. And I will vote for you... Promise.

    Have a good day!

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  6. I don't think I would like all holidays banned - after all, some holidays are fun! I'm happy to celebrate all the Jewish holidays too just to make things equal...

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  7. You got my vote! (can't stop staring at those boobs) what am I voting for?!

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  8. You don't want to celebrate. I always thought you would have been a chocolate cake kinda girl!

    Kate xx

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  9. Fabulous ideas!!! I am game!! This all makes perfect sense to me!!

    XOXOXO

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  10. I may have to run against you. I love holidays AND birthdays (especially mine, and I'm in my 40's, so there! :-P)

    And I want to be Santa. The thought of having some nicely proportioned Jewish girl sit on my lap sounds like it could be fun. LOL

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  11. I stopped counting my birthdays at 29. But, I still need reasons to eat chocolate cake!!

    Thanks for leaving such a kind comment on my post. It really means a lot.

    Lydia

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  12. Look kiddo, Kansas City still hasn't totally recovered from the demise of TWA. Now you want to screw up their economy by pillorying another major employer?
    Good grief!
    Now maybe if you were to do something about the length of the various sports seasons I could support you.

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  13. OMG--to Post!

    OMG- to Office! Post Office .... ar ar

    You weave things in so much better--but I'm learning Master!!!

    OMGGGGGGGG-- to pic! Puts a bounce in my step--not the dryer type bounce but....

    LOL,

    Love ya Gal!

    John

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  14. Hear me on this, we should have a bubble wrap day. It's universally loved. No religion against it. Doesn't single out race or gender or age. Best of all, we get to pop bubble wrap bubbles.

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  15. RoM, good for you! I have a friend who kept celebrating her 29th, until she got closer to 50 and couldn't quite get away with it any longer. xo

    Cal, you are right. It is not photoshopped. I don't have a clue about photoshop. I just hope Katy Perry doesn't mind me borrowing her dress. It fit like a glove, or more like a bustle. Love the 4 on, 3 off idea. I'm adding it to my campaign platform. :-b

    Ms.A, thanks for your vote! xo

    GB, thanks for your 3 votes. Me and the girls appreciate it. ;0>

    Mr.S., I can't pull the wool over your eyes, can I? You are incorrect, though. It's not torn. It's cut with scissors and thus much more authentic (uh, yeah?) xo

    Ca88, there might be a few we can keep on the calendar for your sake. I don't recommend Yom Kippur, though. [-:

    Baygirl, good question. I'll get right back to you on that! Thanks for your support. As you can see, I don't really need more support, but I appreciate it. xo

    Kate, definitely. Every day is chocolate cake day. Thrilled to see you back in the blogosphere! :-}

    Seductress, again, our great, small but mighty brains think alike. Together, we shall ban all dates! Hugs back to ya. xo

    John, you keep celebrating, my friend. Just do it privately. That nicely proportioned Jewish girl on Santa's lap thing works best in private anyway. I mean, hypothetically speaking. ;0}

    Lydia, by the will of the people, I heretofore proclaim every day to be chocolate cake day. (You're welcome. Hang in.) xo

    IT, absolutely. I heretofore ban all sports seasons altogether! What's that? I've gone too far? Power does that to a gal. (-:

    John, I love ya too! xo

    TS, that's brilliant. I heretofore declare a WBW (Worldwide Bubble Wrap) Day! I'll bake a big chocolate cake for the world too, because one gets hungry popping bubble wrap bubbles. We'll start the popping action as soon as anyone blows a vuzula - to drown out the noise. ;-0

    PS Don't forget to vote for me! Ban all holidays, except chocolate cake day (which is every day), WBW Day, Ro's 39th b-day (every year), and anything John and Ca88 want to celebrate in the privacy of their own homes.

    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  16. If you ban all dates, when I suppose to get presents? I love presents!! Can we have a present date? Is there going to be blog day? I have so many questions!!!

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  17. huh... what... still staring at all the leather...

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  18. howsabout thems what grows on trees, gonna ban them, too? :P lol

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  19. Youre demented...lol..in the nicest possible way..

    yeah, im in the bracket too where birthdays should be celebrated..I keep it as low key as possible..
    ps nice jugs.. lolz

    ;)

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  20. PTM, vote now. Ask questions later. Just ask them of someone else, cuz I don't have the answers. xo

    Sir Thomas, thanks for visiting and staring. Quit staring. Would ya? :-]

    Laughingwolf, the dates that grow on trees shall heretofore be banned. Yes. xo

    Anthony, thank you. Does that mean I have your vote? <-:

    xoChocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  21. I will vote for you!
    Great post Robyn.

    I was wondering though, "how did you get that nasty scar on your neck?"

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  22. Pat, um, oh, I was running and bouncing a lot and, well, it left me with whiplash and that nasty scar. It's not THAT noticeable, is it?
    Thanks for your -uh- support!
    xoRobyn

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  23. I can help it I love leather... *smirks*

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