Vote For Me! Ban All Dates!

I’m running for public office. Don’t get too excited, because I’m not exactly running. I’m not a real runner. It’s more like a power walk. Okay, a slow jog. Well, no, it’s a walk during which I lift my feet with a bit of bounce. The bounce comes from the upper part of my body, but that’s not the point. Alright, damnit, it’s a frickin crawl! Geeze, you’re a tough crowd!

Nevertheless, and as I was profoundly declaring, I’m running for public office. Said office would be a little postal station just around the corner that's open to the public. I figure I need the exercise. Plus, I have a platform. Since I’m short, I need one to wash dishes and all. Some might call it a step ladder, but platform makes me sound even more glorious than I choose to think I am. No need to ridicule me, my peeps. I do have a political agenda. It has to do with dates, all dates, and we know how I feel about dates. Naturally, my agenda involves banning all dates. I’m not even talking about the BDFH (blind date from hell) thing. I’m talking about all of the miserable, sappy anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. They shall all be banned, with a few exceptions. We can keep any blogoversaries or blog milestones, as we bloggers are the most important people in the blogosphere.

Back to my political agenda, which I will now spell out as follows:
~ Birthday celebrations shall heretofore be banned past age 29, but reinstituted at age 100.
~ Anniversary celebrations shall heretofore be banned.
~ Holidays shall heretofore be banned from every single calendar.
~ One holiday will heretofore be added to every single calendar: a day to commemorate the life and death (with emphasis on the latter) of the person(s) who invented holidays and anniversary celebrations.

Seriously, did you ever think what it was for us little Jewish kids to be instructed to make a Christmas card every year, much less sit on Santa's Gentilic lap? More seriously, not every child is fortunate to have both parents around. What happens to them when it comes time to make a Mother’s or Father’s Day gift? Isn’t the joy some parents feel on these days when their child brings home a paper mache paperweight trumped by the pain some other kids feel on these days because they don't have a parent to give their paper mache paperweight to? Furthermore, birthdays come equipped with a package of angst for those over 29 and under 100, and -well- don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day! Oh no, no I say. Let’s not get me going on that one, not in June!

As a caveat (in microscopic script at the bottom of my platform statement), you get to celebrate anything you like. I want a few votes, after all. Just celebrate in private. Will ya? It need not be a worldwide in-your-face shindig, to make the rest of us non-celebratory types miserable.

I need to win fast, and absentee ballots will only be accepted in the state of Florida. (They like counting those hanging chads over there.) Please hurry. I’ve got lots of stuff on the calendar in the coming week that I’d like to extinguish: my mom’s birthday (she would be turning 75 if she were still alive), my parents’ anniversary (it would’ve been their 46th if, if, if..), my birthday (it will be my 34th give or give 10 years), and my wedding anniversary. It's all pretty darn depressing, and I don’t need the added reminders of a date on the calendar. I prefer denial, chocolate, and a political victory. It is the American way, after all. Plus, it appears to be the only way I'll ever get some action - if you know what I mean. So vote for me! Ban all dates!