Friday, June 18, 2010

BDFH Case Study: Mr. Special

Years of tedious, painstaking research on the BDFH (blind date from hell) travesty, and I think they're onto me. I don't mean that literally. Drats. I mean: Phew! I'm sure hundreds of them want to date me, but they're a tad nervous about the subsequent blog posts. Performance anxiety and all. It's understandable. It happens to everyone - said with the feigned compassion that a woman's trained to offer. As I settle into chronic celibacy, dear readers, you need not worry. I do have plenty of vivid memories to choose from. Afterall, and in case you didn't pick up on this the 228th time I mentioned it, I make these sacrifices strictly for your entertainment.

Let's take a look at Mr. Special. Note: In California, one does not strive to achieve "special" status. It's the special ones who got to ride the short bus home from school - once they located the bus stop. Please understand that I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being special. I'm not insensitive that way. [I'm insensitive much more generally. I thought you knew that by now.] As a Social Worker, I've assisted many wonderfully special people. I just have a slight bias in favor of dating men who are not so special.

Years ago, however, a certain special BDFH arrived on time to the Park Street Cafe. I found him handsome, and it was downhill from there. Mr. Special proceeded to grab a napkin on which to diagram his inner ear. He had some hearing loss that was surgically corrected. Thus I was clearly in need of the full description. (Thankfully, I was not subjected to flow charts or a powerpoint presentation.)

Into some boring conversation, I awoke to learn that Mr. Special needed to excuse himself to use the restroom. The restroom, FYI, was through the back door and down a walkway. Several minutes later, Mr. Special returned to report that he was unable to figure out how to open the back door. Mr. Special apparently did not realize you needed to push on the door in order to open it. He sat back down, and I guess he held it in. I'm guessing he's still holding it in.

We talked a bit more, and I told Mr. Special that I taught preschool. Mr. Special asked, "Does preschool come before or after kindergarten?" Mr. Special did not realize that the word preschool is not the word postschool nor the word duringschool but synonymous with the word youreallyarestupidaren'tyou?.

Finally, the date was over, at least for me. Mr. Special asked if I wanted to walk to the beach with him. It was just a few short blocks away. I told Mr. Special that, no, you need to find it on your own. Head towards the water. It's blue. Walk past Peter Pan preschool; you'll see it before Dumbo the Elephant Elementary School. No, I didn't actually tell him that. It was worse, at least for him. I let Mr. Special get lost on his own, telling him I needed to do my grocery shopping.

Years later, Mr. Special is likely still looking for the ocean.

The moral of this case study: You can lead a date to water, but you can't make him think!

25 comments:

  1. We all have those special moments but that guy takes the cake. Mmm cake. Got any?

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  2. Wow...diagrams of inner ear problems. Just be thankful he didn't also have a urinary tract infection. Though you knew that if he drew THAT it would only have be over exagerated. Men never draw to 'scale'. And people over promise all the time. If you are going to be singing about 99 Luftballoons then I better see 99 Luftballoons. I think you were also confused. He did not teach preschool he was IN preschool where his knees got stuck in those little desk and he ate more than his own weight in paste every day.

    I wasn't going to comment on other people's sites for awhile but damn it girl you got me to break that pledge about a second after reading this post. I have a sickness. To quote Broke Back Mountain. I just can't quit you. LOL

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  3. You see, this story proves what a moral woman you are. A less principled lady would have jumped his handsome bones a few times before tossing his dumbass carcass into the ocean. It must be your Jewish upbringing.

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  4. Cal, that is the ultimate compliment - being a sickness of yours and all. I suppose I've heard that before, but not in a nice way. Thank you very much! xo

    PTM, why'd you go and get me thinking about cake, my friend? J/K. I was already thinking about it. I don't have any right now. Give me a few days or hours. I don't share chocolate, though. Sorry. (0:

    MsA, yes, I know. But it's the chicken-egg phenomenon. Was I crazy before all this BDFH stuff or did it make me crazy? The world will never know. (Yeah right. It sounded good for a second. Didn't it?)xo

    Special chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  5. GB, that was clearly my point. I'm glad you picked up on that. My bubbehs taught me well. Thank you. xoRobyn

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  6. Ah, so now I have added a new expression to my repertoire:
    "...riding the short bus"

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  7. Now Robyn, how did you keep a straight face when he drew a diagram of his ear? I'm a very sympathetic person, but I seriously would have lost my composure. Good on you!

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  8. I can just imagine Mr. Special asking people on the beach: "Excuse me. Where is the ocean?"

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  9. Bahhh hhhaaaaa! you can lead a date to water but you can't make him think.

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  10. I LOVE IT!

    Is this a POST, or a REPOST?

    John

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  11. "Chronic celibacy". That's a nasty term. Don't go anywhere near it. It's not good. Trust me on this one. I've got some recent experience.

    At the same time, I can appreciate your wanting to avoid "special" candidates, like the one you just posted about.

    Ever thought about a change of scenery or hunting strategy? Might help you find candidates that are less "gamey" :-)

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  12. IT, now you know. Short busses are special. xo

    Marnie, I believe I did. I'm too darn nice that way. ;-}

    Sarah, good one! I can see it too, and he's doing it right now! xo

    Baygirl, thanks for appreciating that one. It just came to me when I finished writing it.[-;

    JohnMc, thank you! It's a new post. Did you have a dejavu experience? So did I! xo

    John, yes, chronic celibacy is worst when it's not by choice. Believe me, I've tried it all, except: (1) switching teams and (2) founding a Jewish convent. Those two are thoughts I'm mulling over at this stage. What do you think? ;-p

    xoSpecial chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  13. Robin - I should mention that I have an acquaintance who drives the short bus... REALLY!

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  14. IT, that's a hard job actually. I've been on the short bus myself. That is, I've helped kids onto the short bus. A lot of them need emotional and physical support. Your friend has patience (hopefully)!
    No worries about misspelling my name; lots of nonspecial folks do that.
    xoRobyn

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  15. I just have got to laugh, with you NOT at you!! I thought I cornered the market on dates with the short-bus kids. And you didn't even mention that he had special kid protective "helmet head"! Or did his mom let him come out on your date without it that night? Eeeeeep....

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  16. These poor guys. They make for great stories for us at least.

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  17. As a former Mr. Special I can totally relate to being nervous and saying stupid things on dates. Why must you torture us so. Can't you let our dumb comments simply rest in peace...at the bottom of the ocean? ;)

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  18. hahahaah - very funny... and well written..
    I hope any prospective dates do not do a search and discover your blog.. they will be too scared to go out with you incase they end up on future blogs! I probably would be.! lol..

    But surely, with your sense of humour, that's reason enough alone to go out with you..
    ok, i change my mind. lol

    ;)

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  19. that was hilarious! Your mishaps are great entertainment. There's about 5 killer lines in that post! great story...

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  20. Seductress, helmets serve to protect the brain. Thus, he didn't need one. ;-> Hugs!

    Ally, little do they know. Little do they know! xo

    CB, sure, but you've gotta find the ocean first. Hint: it's blue. [-:

    Anthony, thanks. Yeah, I really am self- sabotaging. I've pretty much eliminated the entire gene pool by now (performance anxiety and all). Oh well, aint no stopping me now. xo

    Pat, thank you. I really appreciate it!

    xoSpecial Dark Chocolate Kisses,
    Robyn

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  21. Some people are sure...special lol! Oh my gosh, Robyn, it's so exasperating! Some guys are duds..but there's going to be a good special one in the bunch, I know there will be!

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  22. Thanks, Sarah and Mike!
    Special hugs, :)
    xoRobyn

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