Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Let Me Eat Cake (a Repost)




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The Judgment of Dissolution reclines amidst old tax forms to collect dust: the tragic culmination of a 13-month marriage followed by 13 months of divorce proceedings. I sank from ecstasy to despair within a heartbeat.

Naturally, my mind gravitates to chocolate cake. Not just any cake, mind you, the wedding cake. Wiping my saliva, I recall the deep brown cake iced with shimmering sweet raspberry filling lost in precious whipped buttery cream, united by a staunch but delicately flowered white chocolate frosting.

That night, my piece was scrumptious. I wasn’t sated, though. Something wasn’t altogether right. What perhaps detracted from its zest were the accumulated annoyances of others’ neuroses. It’s amazing how fanatical people get when it’s someone else’s turn in the spotlight. Moments ran through my head, as the chocolate fought to settle into my deep, dark insides.

“Robyn!” Ellie snapped whilst clenching my left forearm, “due to recurring muscle spasms shooting down my neck and all the way through to my fingertips, with particular acuity in my right pinkie, I can’t applaud for you when the rabbi presents the new couple. I hope you won’t mind. Heck, you might not notice. It’s just this chronic pain that acts up sporadically. The Doctor said I should go easy on it. My boss, John, you know, the one with the big mustache, suggested disability leave. I'm sure you’re busy. But I thought you should know. You understand. Right?”

“Sure, Ellie. Just let go of my arm before I show you what a real muscle spasm feels like.”

“Robyn, I know there’s no food in the sanctuary. I’m just going to slip some Corn Puffs in my jacket pocket. See, it’s in this little Tupper Ware container. Well, it’s Rubbermaid, actually. Those are cheaper. My sweetie eats hourly, and I thought I shouldn’t breast feed during the ceremony. Is that okay?” I dashed off with a nod. It mattered not whether I, or even God, consented.

Francine called during my manicure, demanding a ride. There was no “How are you feeling today?” No “I can’t believe you’re getting married.” No “What’s up?” Just “Coordinate my commute from the airport, to the hotel, and back home before dark. We don’t want to get in too late. I’ve gotta catch an early morning flight.”

Sam volunteered to videotape the entire event. He took his role seriously, ordering guests to position themselves just so, get out of the way, and stop blocking the light. Next week, we discovered that his expertise was less than expert. Sam got great shots of the ceiling but missed the vows, kiss, and glass shattering “Mazel Tov” moment.

“Hey, he shouldn't take pictures in the sanctuary! Robyn, what’s going on? I assumed this was a Conservative Temple. The meal will be kosher, right? I didn’t have much for lunch.” Claire further demanded that the wedding party members (of which she was one, being Dad’s girlfriend and all) count 1-one-thousand et cetera through 20 before embarking down the aisle. This might have worked, but she was a painstakingly slow walker. The rest of us needed to inconspicuously jog to compensate.

I can’t forget the DJ’s. They spun a great music, and we all enjoyed the party. They took themselves on a well deserved break for an hour or so mid-way through. It must be difficult to simultaneously eat and work an iPod, especially when I had already loaded said iPod with our chosen songs. This must be extra tricky, though, when one ignores the couple’s music requests. Nice guys, though, and they appeared to really enjoy the meal. I’m happy for them. I really am.

Indulge me momentarily, dear reader. I must share that I looked stunningly gorgeous that evening. My glimmering beaded, elegant, antique style dress fit like silk caressing my feminine figure. I was a picture of grace and beauty. My need to emphasis this fact stems from the reality that no one complimented my appearance. I thought it common knowledge to tell the bride how beautiful she looks, even the most plain of them, if only because of the thousands spent on the hoopla.

Heck, no one even stood when I walked down the aisle. Nobody! That’s the moment every girl dreams about, and they failed me. People!? Why? Why did you fall short of arising to offer your full reverence, or a mere squat?

Dawn, always dazzling, worried. She tailored her dress to minimize the cleavage factor. “Does this look okay? Will the rabbi be offended?” “No, sis. He’s gay. He won’t notice.” That one was easy. Next!

Dad adorned a white shirt to accent his all-black suit. “How’s my tie? Do I look okay?” “Sure, dad,” I said with confidence. “The pimp look is in this year.”

In the midst of picture taking, the groom (naturally) leaves to take his car for a car wash. An hour later, he had neither returned nor responded to my panicky calls. When he finally arrived, he explained that he mistakenly left the phone on the car’s hood. It must have fallen and gotten run over at some point. No time for condolences. The music was starting.

Hold on!” The caterer bursts in and blurts out. “My back is killing me. I have a splitting headache, and my assistant bailed. I need help unloading the truck.” I suppose I should be relieved I didn’t have to cook the meal. I’m not sure how she managed that one, and the food was more than decent. I expect it helped to ignore our agreed upon dinner menu. Further, she failed to deliver champagne to the tables. We were toasted with empty glasses and bewilderment. Perhaps someone enjoyed the booze behind the scenes. She capped her performance by handing her bill to the groom, then standing in the middle of the dance floor.

“Oops, it was three times my original quote. Just don’t tell Robyn until after the honeymoon. You too have a great trip. Oh, and you can keep the cake cutter.”

Alas, the family needed to depart, leaving clean-up duties to the bride and groom. Thankfully, a loyal friend offered assistance. Alas again, this friend needed a ride home.

“See ya,” I said as he departed solo in a car decorated by “Just Married” and “Down with Bush.”

One clear thought occupied my frontal lobe as the last crumb settled in: More! More cake. Let me eat more cake.

I ran into the kitchen and haphazardly wrapped the remainder of wedding cake.

Over the coming weeks, or perhaps just hours, I ravaged that delectable chocolate raspberry laced butter creamy cake, flowered delicately in white chocolate frosting. I consumed it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, dessert, and a simple pick-me-up. Screw the tradition of freezing the left over cake. Let me eat cake, I said and continue to say at any appropriate or not-so-appropriate opportunity. That particular cake was purely sweet and deliciously, even if not altogether right.

29 comments:

  1. This is why I believe the happiest weddings are conducted by Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas. It sounds as if the cake was the only good thing you got out of it.

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  2. Wow. That's quite a story.

    Well, if nothing else, it's clear from you picture -- you did look beautiful! :-)

    And you had your cake...

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  3. Let me tell you - you WERE - and ARE beautiful!!!

    I'm sorry your day was tainted by selfish pricks and prickettes. You do have a way of writing, however...that did make me laugh out loud. (Not at you....never AT you!)

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  4. Thanks so much for the follow back and your most generous comments!!
    I'm divorced and lonely...and yes I blessed to have some good friends.
    It's great I've met you!
    ~B

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  5. I thought mine sucked.. This certainly trumped mine, but your cake was certainly better! A toast now to a wonderful, VERY BEAUTIFUL woman that I admire, who has taken hard knocks, but has chosen to exchange them for humor and lessons learned while keeping faith and has so so so much more life, love and wonderful times to come ahead!! Oh yes,,, and more cake!!

    Toy You Robyn!!!

    clink, clink

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  6. Toy you Robyn???!!! That was: To You Robyn....Man I'm a goober!! Maybe it was the tasting of the champagne I did before the toast...urp

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  7. I'm a new follower from Follow Me Back Tuesday.
    I hope you'll come check me out at PS Mom Reviews and follow me too!

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  8. First, I don't want you to feel bad. I would have married anyone that showed up with that cake. Honestly I would have. And being THAT easy just hurts my self esteem.

    But that WEDDING? OY VEY! Sometimes God speaks to you in a whisper and sometimes he uses a megaphone and a mallet to the head to get you to hear the message. You can't make stories like that up.

    Next time Oprah offers for people to write in about bad wedding stories you gotta send it in. Maybe she'll get the potato pancakes for you.

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  9. if that is any relief i got married in a cheap chapel in vegas with no friends or family and I had to pay for a employee of the chapel to be the witness. I did look beautiful in the cheap rental dress and the rented flower bouquet but see... there was no cake! I am now divorced too and it is so great that we find the humor to laugh at our pass =)

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  10. Wonderful story, Robyn! I know the wedding day is every little girl's dream day, so it's profoundly sad when it implodes as yours did. I'm glad that looking back on it now you can find humor in it. And for the record, you were a vision in white! And the cake looked pretty delicious too!

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  11. Hm, maybe you should look at the divorce as an opportunity to get the wedding you always wanted? Always gotta look at the bright side here ;) Even if that includes forbidding entry of any relatives that detracted from your last wedding!

    I feel very lucky that on my big day that everyone told me how beautiful I was and the only thing to go wrong was that the florist forgot the flower girl's petals. Good thing there was some rose bushes nearby to confiscate ;)

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  12. Great story. The cake sounds YUMMY.

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  13. Man, that cake sounds so good. Ugh that Clara sounds awful. I think these posts are greatly therapeutic.

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  14. I've said it before and I'll say it again... your dress is gorgeous and you look amazing in it! All that talk about cake and now I'm hungry and need to find something to graze on.

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  15. I thought you looked amazing. You are right, your dress did fit very well. Some people are so pre-occupied with themselves. It's the Brides day and people should remember that!

    The same thing happened to my sister. Other than me and my parents, no one told her she looked beautiful (and she did look wonderful). To this day, 21 years later it still bothers her.

    Your cake sounds wonderful. I could almost taste it...I'm now hungry!

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  16. That was a GREAT story Robyn. Did I mention that you looked fabulous? I'm sorry it all went south on you..
    Weddings are why God invented Las Vegas!

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  17. Terrific story Robyn. They made the bride and groom clean up?! WTF?

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  18. GB, yeah, it's only after going through it that the Elvis impersonator deal looks attractive. xo

    John, thanks for your sweet comment, as always. :-]

    Marlene, thank you! Your comments are always so fun-loving and supportive. xo

    Betty, thanks so much for coming by and joining, so that I could do the same! No worries about the typo. I didn't notice. I do that all the time, hoping no one else will notice. ;->

    Seductress, oh, that's where the champagne went. Well, I'm glad someone I like enjoyed it. I liked 'toy Robyn' too. It's kinda cute and kinda weird. Hugs and toys to you too! xo

    Sarah, thank you kindly! I'll visit soon. (0;

    Cal, I would've married anyone who showed up with that cake too. Since I had a groom, though, I didn't go for the old lady baker who delivered it. There were actually a lot more fiascos, but the post would've been too long. xo

    ACasa, your wedding sounds almost perfectly fine. The "almost" is because you didn't even have cake. Yes, humour is the way to go, and eating cake alone or in the company of friends can be just as well. ;-}

    Tgo, thank you. It actually wasn't as bad as I made it sound. What am I saying? It was worse, but I still had the best day of my life - not to minimize the value of my entire existence. xo

    Life, you have a good perspective. That's very funny that the florist forgot flowers for, um, the FLOWER GIRL. HELLO! {-;

    SoccerMom, thank you. xo

    Ally, thanks. Yes, it's therapeutic, and the support is really helpful too. ;-b

    MsA, thank you. I'd offer you cake, but it doesn't last for any length of time around here. xo

    Marnie, people are strange. My sister just told me that many of my friends told HER how beautiful I looked when they ran into my sister in the bathroom. What good is that?! Thank you. :-)

    Pat, thank you for the compliment. I'm sorry I failed to invite you! xo

    Cheeseboy, yeah, I'm thinking the Vegas deal doesn't even require that the newly married couple clean up the confetti. WTF indeed!
    [-;

    xoChocolate cake with white chocolate frosting and rasberry...sorry, I'll stop.
    Robyn

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  19. I and my brother are officially banned from Weddings after we accidentally pushed our Aunt's Wedding Cake in a swimming pool. Loved this story and that's a great picture.

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  20. Robyn, I was especially gobsmacked at your dad's DATE (not even an official evil stepmother) having the balls to try to co-opt your graceful glissade down the aisle with her stupid officious advice; the senile hag.

    You look exquisite in the picture, so probably your female friends and family didn't mention it because in their jealous little minds, you looked TOO good.

    You've now had the nightmare wedding complete with creeps and goblins and gotten it out of the way; at some point ahead of you lies a warm and happy wedding, with a good guy. I know it will happen.

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  21. Hi Robyn)))))))))))

    I have so missed reading your blog and hearing from you. I haven't read an email or posted since school was out...lol. I did teach summer school two weeks and am leaving in the morning for a curriculum conference. I will definitely catch up on your blog when I get back. Have a wonderful week-end))))))))

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  22. MrStupid, that was a strategic accident. Weddings are not real good for anyone, especially not if the cake is drowing in the pool. I remember that post of yours. You are awesome! xo

    Thanks Margaret, she really did drive me crazy, but I tried to grin a bear it. I was happily surprised she didn't act offended that I didn't ask her to walk me down the aisle, along with my dad. Thanks so much for your very sweet message! {-;

    Hi VKT! I've missed you too. Thank you! Summer schedules are like that. Enjoy the conference and your summer, and we'll meet up in bloggyland again soon! xo

    chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  23. I enjoyed reading this but wish you had enjoyed your day better! Sometimes you know deep inside things are just not altogether right though... like I was with a guy for nearly 13 years, and in the last 2 (at least, maybe more) knew in my heart that 'our' song was 'It Doesn't Matter Anymore' by Buddy Holly. We split for good on new year's eve, and sad though it was, it was definitely right. x

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  24. Someone told me that you looked beautiful in your dress.

    Now you really have to get me some cake.

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  25. Jayne, that's so true. Sometimes we just don't listen to the right voice. Thank you! xo

    PTM, I just put another in the oven, really. Let me test my will power again. We know how well that goes, so don't get your hopes up. :o]

    xoRobyn

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  26. I am now going to start standing up whenever I read your blog. You deserve no less.

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  27. I had a friend named Edith, who came to my first wedding.....

    My new Bride said-- "You can't your cake and Edith too!!"

    OK ---THAT was lame--but YOU AREN'T!!!

    John

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  28. Thanks Betty. You may be seated now, but don't get too comfy. A new post is coming. xo

    John, you silly, silly man. Big hugs! ;-]

    xoRobyn

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