Monday, June 7, 2010

On Breasts and Boobs but Mostly Boobs

According to The Oxford Dictionary of Current English, “boob” is a:

1) Silly mistake,
2) Foolish person, or
3) Woman’s breast.

I can safely say, then, that I hate really big boobs. What irks me most in the boob arena is when said boob makes lots of money for: (1) being said boob, (2) making said boob, or (3) having a pair of said boobs.

Truth be told, I’ve got ‘em. I mean, I’m rather top-heavy. My bra size is..Hey, wait a minute, you’re not getting that information from me! (Nice try, though.) I did inherit my maternal Jewish ancestors’ Ashkenazi bosomy figure. Should I live to be a Jewish ancestor (This it should be everybody’s goal, it should.), my bosoms will surely reach the floor – and not just while I’m engaged in a raucous game of Twister at the Old Jewish Home for Aged Jewish Ancestors. I suppose I’ll save on having to mop the floor. But let’s not talk about my bosoms anymore. Oy vey. I can’t believe you got me started on that topic!

Let’s now discuss the boobs pictured above. To the right is model Sheyla Hershey. The gal’s got the world’s biggest pair, size KKK. Thus, the world’s biggest breasts are the size of one of the world’s most vile racist organizations in history. This cannot be a mere coincidence, right? She lives in Texas, after all.

To the left is Heidi Montag, who is crying even though she is reportedly incapable of crying due to having undergone 13 elective surgeries. Ms. Hershey imparts caring advice for Ms. Montag. “Heidi should stop,” Sheyla states astutely. “Having people stare at you can become uncomfortable. They’ll come up to you out of nowhere.” Um, Ms. Hershey, let’s back up. I know it’s hard for you to move backward, given gravity and all, but did you not undergo this uber enhancement for the sake of attention? Further, how could people approach you from a direct line of vision? It would surely be risky to do so. Thus, while they appear to be coming out of nowhere, they are merely entering the scene from whence entry is logistically feasible.

Another intellectual powerhouse, Life & Style Magazine, claims Heidi is “forced into more surgery, thereby risking her life.” Dear reader, don’t you hate it when you already look objectively gorgeous but you’re forced into your 14th cosmetic surgery? I know I do.I don’t mean to make light of the topic. [There’s nothing light about it; Heidi’s going for breasts that will weigh 7 pounds each. Really.] Seriously, the breast should not be called a boob in the first place. There are far too many messages that demean and objectify women. One wonders where this term came from. Note that Oxford claims uncertainty on the matter. I don’t trust this Oxford fellow. But really, what do breasts and fools have in common? They certainly don’t look or act alike. Fools are never pretty to look at, nor do they secrete milk. Okay, maybe some do. I suppose some boobs and breasts share a squishyness factor, but that’s about it. As long as the term holds, I suggest every women gets a couple of fools to undergo the mammogram exam for us. We might as well milk it, whether or not we're lactating.

In closing this piece of literary foolishness, there’s nothing wrong with a grown adult making a thoughtful decision to undergo elective surgery – once or perhaps twice. I think it’s rather concerning that people are able to get their umpteenth cosmetic procedure, though. The biggest boobs of all are the surgeons! One (e.g., me) might suggest these so-called Doctors have strayed from the Hippocratic Oath. After all, surgery is surgery. It’s all traumatic and risky for the body and, perhaps, mind. However, plastic surgery is sugar coated with names like “tummy tuck.” It's become so commonplace. I can envision the future drive thru. A car pulls up to the speaker at In and Out, requesting 2 super value deals. The cashier asks, “Would you like fries with those enhancements? Today’s special side is the face lift, tummy tuck combo. Large or small cups?”

Perhaps the most we can hope for, through all of this boobishness, is that breasts will re-claim their name and boobs will take up a lot less space on this planet.

34 comments:

  1. What happens after gravity and 10 years? Forklift?

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  2. Funnily enough, calling someone 'a tit' is another way of calling him/her a fool. But I'm not convinced it's sexist because "prick" is also used in this way. Maybe sexual organs are stupid because they can override the brain.
    Anyway, I'm glad you've got big'uns because it makes your writing feel more maternal.

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  3. Kinda Tit for Tat don't ya think? Breast post I've read---change for a quarter--two dimes and a nippl...nickle,

    OK OK I'm sorry, butt my Botox has me keeping a stiff upper lip!

    John

    John

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  4. Hey you forgot one more common trait between Boobs and Breasts, the both eventually fall to the floor. =)

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  5. The only one I'm going for is a brain transplant, just as soon as they become available. Sorry, I can't think of one reason I'd need boobs, with a face like mine. I'd hate to attract attention.

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  6. Stopping by from Follow Me Friday to say hello. Hope you can follow me back. :) Have a great day!

    http://mygorgeouspinkcheeks.blogspot.com/

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  7. There must be something in the air (or sagging to the knees?!) as my last post was also about boobs.

    http://www.talesfromthetower.co.uk/2010/06/keeping-abreast.html

    Sometimes a girl just has to get something off her chest doesn't she, even though I'm sure we will both have our knockers!

    Rapunzel x

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  8. I had to re-read her breast size...wtf?!? She should seriously change the letters.

    I'm top heavy too, so I don't understand it when I see people go for those implants. 7 lb implants per breast is insane.

    I think perhaps the money should be spent on self-esteem and on getting a backbone.

    I'm also leery of botox and lip injections. they say it's safe, but honestly, how do they know for sure? I mean, if you can administer morphine (sp?) and nicotine via the patch, what is that injection going to do over the long term?

    Good post.

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  9. Oh my. No. Stop the madness. Too bad. Can't form full sentence. Wrong. Just wrong. No.

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  10. I didn't know they came in size K. Imagine the back pain she has to endure day in and day out. Root canal sounds more appealing than that.

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  11. hey now, my friend works as an editor at life and style and i freelance for that publishing company - be nice :)

    but heidi is insane. really. she was soooo pretty before all of that ridiculous surgery!

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  12. Good posts and some good punning in the comments. I almost decided to add a few, but thought it would be breast to leave it alone.

    Dang! Almost made it. :-D

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  13. What I seriously want to know is - how does one NOT get stretch marks on her tits from expanding them to 7 pound boulders?!!!

    Furthermore - they're disgusting. FAKE. Fake done up that big is ugly.

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  14. When you go to freak size I would think you'd want the attention. If you didn't get any it would be a waste of money.

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  15. This goes to show that most people aren't happy with what they've got.
    I know they can get you unwanted attention, and it's hard to find your bra size and dresses never fit properly as they're always too small on top, or you have to get a bigger size & then it's too big on the waist.
    Oh, well, they are good for to play with.

    Hmmm... Maybe we should start a big boobies club.

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  16. There is such a thing as 'too much' of anything. It's gross.

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  17. I actually feel sorry for someone who feels that they need to change themselves this much. Sad that the person they were was not good enough. Heidi is a train wreck. She doesn't look better at all. She looks like a monster as do most people who get so many proceedures. They have a name for that kind of diordered thinking.

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  18. Bahahahaa!
    Sorry, this is a serious issue.
    You have a wonderful voice!
    Following from Friday Follow ME.
    Glad to have found you.

    Terri
    http://tsue-thatswhatshesaid.blogspot.com

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  19. Jane, I'm afraid some of us might need 2 forklifts - for each breast. :->

    GB, that's a great point about sexual organs overriding the brain. I'm not sure what to make of the maternal statement, except perhaps Gorilla Oedipal Complex ? xo

    John, you're the breast. I mean, the best!(-:

    Jerry, that's really good! xo

    Bec, thank you! I'm following you too. ;-}

    Rapunzel, that is doubly funny. I will bounce (a lot) over and read your boobish post. Thanks. xo

    Marnie, everything you say is right on. Yes, the triple K makes the whole thing further disgusting. Yes, Heidi should spend the money on therapy. Thank you. :-]

    Betty, I know, I kn- x

    Sarah, yeah, I didn't think about the back pain. It's gotta be awful. Plus, she has a daughter. How can she even pick her up? {-;

    Ally, I am nice (sometimes usually), and I'm (frequently always) honest. I like these magazines because of the NON-intellectual aspect. I'd love to freelance for any of them. Still, it is stupid to claim that Heidi has been "forced to risk her life" through her 14th ELECTIVE surgery. It could also be construed as incredibly insensitive of women who have actually been forcefully victimized. I take issues with the wording, but not with you, my friend. xo

    John, so close, but you did make a boob. ;->

    Mar, yes, small-fake is ugly. Huge-fake, much much uglier. xo

    Mike, you're right. I'm sure we're talking 6 figure numbers for those figures. (-:

    DDG, yeah. I like that idea. The 2 - I mean 6 - of us will be the Broad - I mean Board- of Directors. xo

    Blase, I didn't think you'd say something like that. I like you even more, but not too much. :-] xo

    Cal, it's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. You're right, it's very sad. But I blame the physicians more than anyone. People do this kind of thing because they can. If docs said "No, you need counseling instead," well, that might help and -at least- wouldn't hurt. xo

    Tsue, thanks so much for finding me and following. I'll reciprocate. I saw one of you in Costa Rica. I forget what kind of frog you are, but you're sure darn cute.

    Chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  20. Ms.A, oops, didn't mean to skip over you. Stop with the self-put downs already. You're a bright lady who - I'm sure - is gorgeous too.xo

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  21. So one day she will be suicidal. She will ask the doctor "Where exactly is my heart?" "Just under your left breast" he will respond. And later that day she will be admitted to hospital with a bullet wound through her left knee cap......

    Salagatle!

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  22. She could also pose as the official FIFA mascot for the 2010 Fifa world cup?

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  23. HOLY JUGS!

    I have big boobs...big fake boobs. Albeit they aren't K cups. To each their own I guess..I agree, the reference to 'too much of a good thing' stands true.

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  24. Oh my!!! She's gonna start tripping on them in a few years.....

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  25. Holy smokes. I guess everything IS bigger in Texas. And as far as I am concerned there is no amount of pretty that can compensate for dumb, surgery or no. That is all I will say about Heidi Montag.

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  26. I believe it's the sight of boobs that turn us into boobs.... Last I heard, Hedi got size H breasts.... H for Heidi....

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  27. I really do hope she didn't really say that the size of her breasts were getting her unwanted attention..They're monstrously huge--I didn't even think it was possible to go that far in breast surgery (who would want to go that far?!)

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  28. Gayle, yuck indeed. ;-}

    Wreckless, LOL. She could pose as a couple of mascots for the world cup. Thanks for coming by. xo

    ~J, yes, all power to you..but going for the world's biggest is a different story of mass proportions. [-:

    Gillian, that's an accurate term. xo

    Seductress, yeah, I don't know how she moves around now. ;->

    Erika, I love it: Everything is bigger in Texas! Great comment! xo

    ABAO, I heard the same about Heidi. How boobish is that? If I did the same, I'd have to go for size R. Now that's truly scary. [:

    Sarah, it is unbelievable that that could be done and that she would want them, etc. Kinda makes a gal appreciate what she's got, whatever size they are. xo

    Chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  29. O My Lord! What happens to tits mcghee there when she falls or rolls onto her back?! All I can picture is a turtle on its back flailing to get righted.

    Those babies look painful.

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  30. Let me just say first that I love that you said "sweet" about Hershey's last name, so points there.

    Seriously even the most hormone-enraged man has to think her boobs are way too big. And Heidi is...well...I have a little more respect for her that she separated from the world's biggest asshat Spencer.

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  31. MMH, you are very funny! It is a scary and funny thought.I wonder how many people it would take to help her up. xo

    Geof, great seeing you here! (Now I know what it takes to get a visit from you. :-p That Heidi-Spencer union was an accident waiting to happen. :-]

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

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  32. Many years ago, I attended the Consumer Electronics Convention in Vegas w/ my husband, who was then a video dealer. There was a porn star signing autographs and her breasts were the size of basketballs. I had never seen anything like it. The woman you show reminds me of her. I'm a 38 C and shd probably be a D and I can't stand it. Big boobs require a larger blouse that's always tight across the bust. Hate that.

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