Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Eligible Bachelors of our Times


While the quantity of eligible bachelors appears to be on the rise, the quality is clearly tanking. If the above photos aren't enough to prove my point, let's analyze a random sampling of current internet dating ads.
The woman I care to meet, has to satisfy only one prerequisite of mine -- INTELLECT. I'm so tired of dating all these women that are, "a few fries short of a Happy Meal", for lack of a better term... Learn to use a comma, sir, before considering yourself worthy of a woman of intellect. You might also consider dropping the MacDonald's Happy Meal reference if you're trying to attract a woman (or man or sea otter).
This one has a blurry, weird photo of himself smoking. It's followed by a number of better, clearer pictures in which he is not smoking. His first line reads:
First of all, No. I don't smoke. I don't quite get your angle, dude. Pass over whatever it is that you aren't smoking. It appears to be pretty strong stuff.
This one was the most excitement I've had in, well, we won't go into that. He asked if I wanted to correspond. I said it'd be fine to exchange email messages. Here's his response: I do not prefer the email but will improvise and understand others prefer to correspond in such a way. As my Dad U stay say if one cannot say it to U or in person then it's not worth it. Well, what do we bloggers think about this one?! I informed him - as my ad indicates - that I love to write and believe in writing as a meaningful form of expression. He predictably expressed himself clearly by not writing back. Thankfully.
Check out this guy's sales pitch: I love first dates! Why the hell would anyone LOVE first dates? The point is to get to the second date, you dumb ass.
Okay, now this one is just plain scary:
About Me And The Definition Of Hypersensitivity-Shy, Tends To Get Too Emotional, Can't Take It Easy, Feels Gloomy And Distraught Frequently, Not Confident, Dislikes Themself, Prone To Paranoia, Affected By The Moods Of Others, Broody, Ideal Love Seeking, Dramatic, Tempermental, Impressionable,
Fears Loss And Seperation, Poor Self Image, Gets Very Attached To People and Things, Heartbroken, Focuses On Suffering, Existentially Depressed, Suffers From Depression, Prone To Shame, Prone To Panic Attacks, Can't Handle People Being Mad At Them, Dreams About A Rescuer, Daydreams About People To Maintain a Sense Of Closeness, Familiar With The Role Of Victim, Addicted, Un-Assuming, And Desires More Attention. One word for you, Mr. Hypersensitivity: Prozac!

What do you think about this strategy?
Try small chinese for a change! I accept many, but enjoy a narrow range of people. I am lousy at working a room.
Or this one?
Back hair free! No criminal record! …Actually, these factors do place him in exceptional standing. It's all relative. (Note, see photos and ad blurbs above.)
I have been burned by a women that wanted only money, I let it happen because I settled,,, NEVER AGAIN WILL I SETTLE… if you can't deal with cats, tattoos, motorcycles, the fact that I am a gun owner and I carry a gun or can't support yourself and just want someone to pay your bills,,,,, If you or any of your family are convicted felons, Stop reading here and go away!!!! I'm thinking you might be just a tad cynical for my taste, buddy. I bet you have a hairy back too, and a really short pistol.
I saved the worst for last. This man is looking for someone with my traits, including women in their 40's. Note this is all there is to his ad. He gives no more info, but posts a decent photo for a man his age.
Widowed, Man seeking a Woman
For: A date
87 years old
About Me: Intelligent, witty, well-read, like challenges, former college dean, love eating out, walk daily, like going to movies
I am shocked and disgusted, grandpa. But perhaps there's a woman half your age who wants you. It's not this girl; I felt queazy watching "Harold and Maude." Good luck, old man.

There you have it. I've made my point with a preponderance of evidence. Today's eligible bachelor gives a new meaning to the word "eligible."

46 comments:

  1. But didn't Anna Nicole Smith really love the old guy she married? I think she enjoyed have her breasts tickled by his nose hairs. Maybe he deserves a chance...

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  2. I don't know how you good women do it. When a Charlie Sheen gets to negotiate the terms of his jail sentence for threatening to kill his wife with a knife it kinda sours the pot for everyone. I should not get so much enjoyment out of your tales but I do. How can you NOT find someone? By sheer numbers the creepy ones must have all passed through your filter by now.

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  3. Back hair free! ack!
    Happy Follow Friday!

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  4. So true...

    Following you now from Friday Follow. Hope to hear back from you. I'll be back here soon for sure!

    Lots of yummy love,
    Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner?
    www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

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  5. Funny stuff! Following you from Friday Follow! Stop by some time!

    Dawn
    http://www.thewayiseethings.typepad.com

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  6. Oh my goodness!! I dribbled coffee all over my tshirt from laughing so hard!!

    The right man is out there for you somewhere -- just not in that pool of fine gentleman. ;-)

    Visiting you from the Over 40 Blog Hop! And I will definitely be back! Have a great weekend!

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  7. Friday following you. Nice blog. Hope you visit mine. I've been on a blog break, but will be blogging again on Monday. I write Children's books.Happy weekend.

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  8. Too funny! Makes me ever so happy I'm not out there - I don't think I'm equipped to deal with the craziness!

    Stopping by from Follow Friday 40 and Over and I'm so glad I found you! I'm now following.

    Susan
    www.BlackberryCottage.net

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  9. Following you from FF. Please visit me when you have the chance and follow!

    xo Erin

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  10. Hi There.
    I'm looking for your Friday-Follow post.
    Have a great day!

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  11. Great post. Good luck finding a dateable male. those ads are frightening!
    I just stopped by from Over Forty Bloggers!

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  12. Why would anyone want to give away their back hair? ;oÞ

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  13. saw your blog from Friday Follow 40 and over. I can relate to you. widow at age 42 very tough to date, but now married it takes alot of time and trial and error in the dating scene. my career longtime Social Worker. will follow your blog. have a good weekend. rose

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  14. Oh God. Memories. Make it stop.

    No wonder I'm still single and have given up on internet dating...

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  15. Oh Robyn I feel for you...you just can't decide which one to go for out of all these amazing options can you?!

    Rapunzel x

    ps What is Follow Friday?!

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  16. Oh Robyn, these are a hoot. I so miss the days of trolling thru these ads. Met the husband on craigslist, which I had sworn was the gutter slut of online dating.
    Good luck, sounds like you're having a good, yet frustrating, time!

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  17. Yikes! Is it really that bad out there? That said I do believe there are good men out there...but the question is where? Hi! I'm a follower from a few weeks ago just poking my head in to say hello and to see what's up. Hope you find your Mr. Right this very weekend...hey, it could happen!

    Haupi
    http://hauplight.blogspot.com/

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  18. In my area the new request is to have all your teeth. This is from people in their 40's. What's the world coming to?

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  19. But but but Robyn, they were just being honest in their ads :)
    It seems like both women and men have difficulty finding kindred spirits through online dating. Sigh, why can't the 'right one' just magically show up on your doorstep?

    The gun owner scares me a little, though. Especially if he has a shoot first, ask questions later mentality.
    Aww, I really hope the widower has found his lady.

    Have a nice, quality filled weekend.

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  20. Oh my! Be very happy that you read all of that instead of actually meeting these individuals. I personally can't wrap my head around Mr. Hypersensitivity...imagine him in a restaurant, it would be a soap opera reading from the menu.

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  21. As you know, my ad is simple... "I want a Peanut Butter and Jelly" relationship. My corner of the world is, apparently, out of PBnJ women... and that's sad! Maybe I should include "minimal back hair" in the description... :)

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  22. Intellect? You want Intellect too????

    Small Chinese?

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  23. Braiding Back Hair is Uber-FUN on a Friday night and quite easy on the wallet,, wink wink!!!! Eeeeep, I threw up a little in my mouth..

    Oh wait,,,Goody!!! Hypersensitive just texted me back...Oh,,he just wants to know if I have any prescription drugs in the house..

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  24. Wow. That's some amazing stuff. Kinda scary, actually.

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  25. Man,

    I hate it when I write a really cool comment and fail to hit enter after word verification!!

    Have a great weekend mi Lady!

    John

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  26. Ah, the joys of internet dating! LOL! Like they always say, "You have to kiss a lot of perverse, drug-addicted, sociopathic,jealous, angry, narrow-minded, mommy-never-loved-me-enough, bed-wetting, ignorant, irritating, sexist frogs before you meet your prince." I know it seems daunting, but it worked for my wife! And she's nev**RiBBiT**er looked back.

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  27. Makes me have serious doubts about all those commercials that show couples that found their perfect mate online.

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  28. OMG !!!
    Scary..
    I'm still trying to decipher that guy's rely to you.. what the? no wonder he didnt like email.. the f*ker can't write!
    I think many of these guys are single for a very good reason.. at least their profiles gives you an indicator to stay the F away!

    It's the ones that PRETEND to be normal that you have to worry about...

    good luck out there..
    it sounds terrifying!

    =]

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  29. ps, i really like your collages...photoshop?

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  30. What makes me freak-out about women...is that all those men above in the pics, they have no problem getting the women. What does that say about the women, Ms Chocolate?

    My experience with internet dating was that all the women were in desperate need of sex...and a man. Many were not honest with their descriptions about themselves.

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  31. I think I've met Mr. Hypersensitive and he was so sensitive he couldn't even order a cup of coffee for himself (forget about paying for mine). And what a disgusting grandpa indeed! What's a small Chinese? Those people don't make any sense.

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  32. Surprisingly enough, I find the add placed by the 87 year-old much well-written and pitched than all the other guys :P Except the age, which is a strong down point for him..the guy who wrote about the guns and all was kind of scary--stay away from him!! (Oh, and the guy who didn't like writing..what a lousy person)

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  33. Yeah Robyn!!! I'm so glad you figured it out!! Thanks for joining the Over 40 Bloggers Club!! You are now on the list!

    Have a great weekend!

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  34. GB, oh yeah, I'm sure Anna loved his soul. That's it. Any other thoughts make me barf. [It's like Harold and Maude in reverse. Did anyone else see that movie? YUCK!] xo

    Thanks Cal. Re: Chuck Sheen, yep, money and fame get you a free tic to anything in the US (eg double homicide ala O.J.) Still, women go for these ones too. {-:

    Coffee slut, ACK is right! Thanks for the follow. I'll do the same. xo

    MaW4D, welcome! Thanks, and I'll be over for dinner. BTW, what are you serving? I have no restrictions, and I like chocolate. :b

    Dawn, glad you like it. I'll be by soon. Thanks and welcome to life by chocolate! xo

    Jennifer, it's the ultimate compliment when my writing makes someone mess up their clothes! Thanks and welcome! [-;

    Thanks for the giggles, Margg. xo

    Robyn, great name with the correct spelling! I like you already. Thanks, and I'll drop by soon. d-:

    Susan, thanks so much! I'll visit and follow the Cottage soon. xo

    Erin and Harriet, so glad to have so many new friends through FF! Thanks, ladies. I'll be reciprocating. Happy weekend. [-:

    Eva, welcome. Yes, scary stuff. Thanks!xo

    Marlene, your comment is the BEST! I love it! Yeah, you'd think he'd advertise "back hair cheap" or "back hair on sale" - but free? What an idiot! ;-P

    Rose, we do have lots in common. I look forward to catching up on your blog. Thank you, and I love your name too. My grandma was a Rose. xo

    Kristy, sorry to retraumatize you. Have a good weekend anyway. {-:

    Rapunzel, yeah, it's a toss up between the 87 year old and the back hair free dude with no criminal record. What do you think? xo
    PS FF is great & easy. I'll inform you.

    TheMadWoman, I agree about craigslist. Glad there was a good one on there once for you! Thanks for the follow, and welcome! {-:

    Haupi, thanks for being optimistic for me. Someone's gotta be. xo

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  35. Mike, that's HILARIOUS. They don't have teeth in their 40's? How about back hair? (-;

    DDG, thanks hon. Yeah, wouldn't want to meet up with a gun owner if he doesn't like what I'm wearing. xo

    Marnie, lol. I even condensed Mr. Hypersensitivity's diatribe. I kept re-reading to try to understand his "sales pitch." Basically, he needs a gal with lots of kleenex to spare. :-D

    Spuds, how could things have tanked so much for us singles that one cannot find a simple PB&J sandwich? Sorry. xo

    BB, yeah, perhaps I'm too picky. But I'm still not going to look into, at, or over that 'small chinese.' :-p

    Seductress, thanks for always making me laugh! Heck, we can put beads in the braided back hair too. love ya. xo

    John, yes, worse than Freddie Crougar. (-;

    JohnMc, I hate that too. Have a great weekend yourself. xo

    Tgo, what? I have to kiss them? Really? I think I'm gonna barf again. :-}

    MsA, yeah they show all the gorgeous happy couples who met this way. Actors perhaps? xo

    Anthony, LOL. Yes, it was difficult to decipher. My tech skills are challenged so I literally cut and past my collages. Glad you like 'em. ;->

    Blase, that's true. But I'm not like those women. They are stupid and desperate. I'm just desperate. xo

    Sarah, I'm cracking up. I really don't know, nor do I want to find out, what a 'small chinese' is. ;->

    SarahWriter, yeah, he's really quite eligible. Too bad he's 4 decades too old for me. Darn the luck! xo

    Thanks Java! Enjoy the weekend too. <-:

    xoChocolate Kisses,
    Robyn

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  36. Dang, I wouldn't even have the "back hair free" thing going for me.

    I've been gone awhile Robyn. I've missed your takes on life and love.

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  37. Norman Mailer's last wife (Norris Church) wrote that he was as hairy as a chimp, back and front, and she LOVED it. Go figure!

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  38. back hair! ha ha! that's the best. i think if i had that problem, even as a man, i'd get it waxed. man, that must be painful though.

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  39. The only thing worse than major back hair (a little near the shoulders, okay, but that's my limit) is the thought of dating a man who's 4 decades older than me.

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

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  40. You should give that old guy a shot. He "loves eating out", this could mean one of two things..... ;-0

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  41. Where are the eligible batchelors? Where? Where?

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  42. I have a 'no rules attached' award for you at my place-->The Good Girls

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  43. I am so lucky that I'm married.... I go home every night repeating a mantra in my head.... 'Don't screw this up, don't screw this up....' I'm pretty darn lucky....

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  44. This is my Friday Favorite Leave You with a Laugh. I love you, and the fact you can make me really appreciate not being single anymore. I keep the dirty underwear in the floor, Thank You, Thank You Very Much.

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  45. This is the funniest post ever... Bumpkin sent me here and I gotta thank her. I will be following =)

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