The Eligible Bachelors of our Times

While the quantity of eligible bachelors appears to be on the rise, the quality is clearly tanking. If the above photos aren't enough to prove my point, let's analyze a random sampling of current internet dating ads.

The woman I care to meet, has to satisfy only one prerequisite of mine -- INTELLECT. I'm so tired of dating all these women that are, "a few fries short of a Happy Meal", for lack of a better term... Learn to use a comma, sir, before considering yourself worthy of a woman of intellect. You might also consider dropping the MacDonald's Happy Meal reference if you're trying to attract a woman (or man or sea otter).

This one has a blurry, weird photo of himself smoking. It's followed by a number of better, clearer pictures in which he is not smoking. His first line reads:

First of all, No. I don't smoke. I don't quite get your angle, dude. Pass over whatever it is that you aren't smoking. It appears to be pretty strong stuff.

This one was the most excitement I've had in, well, we won't go into that. He asked if I wanted to correspond. I said it'd be fine to exchange email messages. Here's his response: I do not prefer the email but will improvise and understand others prefer to correspond in such a way. As my Dad U stay say if one cannot say it to U or in person then it's not worth it. Well, what do we bloggers think about this one?! I informed him - as my ad indicates - that I love to write and believe in writing as a meaningful form of expression. He predictably expressed himself clearly by not writing back. Thankfully.

Check out this guy's sales pitch: I love first dates! Why the hell would anyone LOVE first dates? The point is to get to the second date, you dumb ass.

Okay, now this one is just plain scary:
About Me And The Definition Of Hypersensitivity-Shy, Tends To Get Too Emotional, Can't Take It Easy, Feels Gloomy And Distraught Frequently, Not Confident, Dislikes Themself, Prone To Paranoia, Affected By The Moods Of Others, Broody, Ideal Love Seeking, Dramatic, Tempermental, Impressionable,

Fears Loss And Seperation, Poor Self Image, Gets Very Attached To People and Things, Heartbroken, Focuses On Suffering, Existentially Depressed, Suffers From Depression, Prone To Shame, Prone To Panic Attacks, Can't Handle People Being Mad At Them, Dreams About A Rescuer, Daydreams About People To Maintain a Sense Of Closeness, Familiar With The Role Of Victim, Addicted, Un-Assuming, And Desires More Attention. One word for you, Mr. Hypersensitivity: Prozac!

What do you think about this strategy?

Try small chinese for a change! I accept many, but enjoy a narrow range of people. I am lousy at working a room.

Or this one?

Back hair free! No criminal record! …Actually, these factors do place him in exceptional standing. It's all relative. (Note, see photos and ad blurbs above.)

I have been burned by a women that wanted only money, I let it happen because I settled,,, NEVER AGAIN WILL I SETTLE… if you can't deal with cats, tattoos, motorcycles, the fact that I am a gun owner and I carry a gun or can't support yourself and just want someone to pay your bills,,,,, If you or any of your family are convicted felons, Stop reading here and go away!!!! I'm thinking you might be just a tad cynical for my taste, buddy. I bet you have a hairy back too, and a really short pistol.

I saved the worst for last. This man is looking for someone with my traits, including women in their 40's. Note this is all there is to his ad. He gives no more info, but posts a decent photo for a man his age.

Widowed, Man seeking a Woman
For: A date
87 years old
About Me: Intelligent, witty, well-read, like challenges, former college dean, love eating out, walk daily, like going to movies I am shocked and disgusted, grandpa. But perhaps there's a woman half your age who wants you. It's not this girl; I felt queazy watching "Harold and Maude." Good luck, old man.

There you have it. I've made my point with a preponderance of evidence. Today's eligible bachelor gives a new meaning to the word "eligible."