Thursday, December 29, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #150-54: Goldmimes and An-uses


Following a brief transgression into non-celibacy (see last two Paradise posts for the story, if you like), I’m back as a Born Again Celibate with reasons #150-154 for this state of existence. Why? The options are only getting scarier, my friends. Take a look at the following current internet dating ad blurbs (with my comments in italics)...

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REASON #150: Hi I'm a very hard worker can do some repairs arounds I like to camp and goldmime I’ve gotta tell ya, hon, I’m picturing a goldmime and it ain’t pretty. I like to go up in the mountains and just drive and look at the beatiful land I go caving at least once or twice a year some ppl think I'm crazy but I've been careful.  

Yeah, look out for those quiet but deadly goldmimes that like hanging out arounds the caves.

REASON #151: Hi, I am a nice and young guy to get alone with. Alone with what? I work, go to school, and workout six days a week. I am single, have my own car, and my own place. I am looking for someone to hang out with tonight and maybe cuddle. It would be a cold night. 

A cold night cuddling with you? Sweetie it’s like this: I’ve had worse offers. I just can’t think of any right now. Oh wait. Here’s one. He wants to meet me:

REASON #152: Politically, I am a Moderate, so I'm flexible in that area. However, religiously I am a Nazarite. Say what? This term sounds rather anti-Jewish. Upon a bit of research, I’m even more confused on this Nazarite thing you do, but I’ll be fair and let you continue…As a result, if you don't believe in GOD, I don't want you. Hm, um, okay, this could be offensive but I’ll be fair and let you speak your mindlessness…If you believe in Jesus, it shows me you have been too busy to research the origins, and validity of your religion. Oh no you didn’t say that. However, if you do believe in The LORD, and you have done your homework, when it comes to the pagan solar deity concocted by Rome, I admire/applaud you. Christ never existed, he is merely a symbol of the age of Pisces. Of course, Mary is Virgo, and the apostles are constellations. The Mark of the beast is a cross.(Daniel 7:25) Don't get me wrong, it's okay if you believe in walking on water, rising from the dead, feeding multitudes with two loaves of bread, etc. It's also okay, if you don't know his story was plagiarized from Mithra, Dionysus, Horus, Krishna, and many others. What's not okay, is if we are about to run out of fuel, in the middle of Nevada, and I am praying to ELOHIM, and you are praying to Je-Zeus. They threw Jonah overboard for a reason. lol. A relationship is two people, with our Heavenly Father included. Without him, we are Godless apes. With him, we just might be...an us, and a we. 

I think it’s only fair to say that with or without your Diety, you are anus and I don’t support or understand any of the crap you just spewed.

REASON #154: I would lve to meet new people. O'm a plastic Sugeon, but i'm not superficial. I'm big hearted. I'm not opposed to dating and seeing what happens. I think woman are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. I tend to date older woman, but that does not mean a younger one couldn't be mature and a good fit. Please say hi. I travel a lot to do surgeries pro-bono in other states maybe we could hang out. Say hi soon  

No’ce try to pass yourself off as a do’mctor, dude.

REASON #155: this sh*t is amusing!    I can't argue with your headline but I won't date you.

24 comments:

  1. Wow. Reason 152 offends. Everyone. Robyn, I fear for your safety! These guys are crazy.

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  2. #152 sure spouted a lot, but I'm not totally sure what the heck he was trying to say, or that I would want to know.

    Robyn, I wanted to let you know, in case you haven't heard, that Emily/Alice in Wonderland, passed away on December 15th.

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  3. haha where do you find these nuts? It's like they are talking out their butts. I've seen more brains in mutts. Number 152 offends all by spilling his guts.

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  4. #154 proposed to me...so, you don't think he's a real doctor?

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  5. These are all crazy as usual except for that goldmine one right at the start, it's a weird concept but idk, maybe it was supposed to mean something innocent? Excellent stuff as always regardless Robyn!

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  6. Alex, true. They really do keep getting unbelievably scarier.

    MsA, you don't want to know. Regarding the other part of your message, I appreciate your telling me. I'm at a loss and will be in touch with you. So sorry.

    Pat, thanks for always making me laugh. Your rhyme is so perfectly accurate and amusing.

    Lost, sorry to break it to you, hon. Well, maybe yours is okay. Let's see, does he spell "surgeon" with or without an "r"?

    Stephen, thank you. I think I'll just stop dating. It is THAT scary.

    Yeamie, I guess goldmiming might be fun and entertaining...? You think? Nah, I just can't wrap my brain around that one.

    xoRobyn

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  7. Did anyone happen to buy you a taser for Hanukkah to keep with you at all times? Just wondering.

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  8. snicker = one has to live in hope the guy obsessed with religion will indeed run out of gas in the middle of Nevada

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  9. :-) So many weirdos in the world, so little time.

    Pearl

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  10. I'm with Alex. Promise us that you'll never go off and meet any of these nutters!

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  11. ah ha ha!!!!
    Good LORD, (um, but not A$$hole's Lord)
    Oh Robyn your prince is out there.... or OUT THERE.... way way out there , he he
    Lots of love
    and Cheers to the New Year :)

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  12. You all have me laughing very loudly right now.

    Out there, yes, way out there, Gigi.

    Pearl, yet I manage to cross paths with a good portion of them.

    Empty, no. I used to carry mace. I'll have to start looking for a taser now.

    Rosalind, cross my heart and hope to die before I'd meet any of them.

    NotSupermom, I love it and the fact that you're a new follower. Why, thank you! I'm joining you now in some Holy Marys (or shall we make that Bloody Marys?).

    xoRobyn

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  13. Jeez Louise Robyn. I just saw the Girl with The Dragon Tattoo and I gotta tell you some of these guys creep me out. Hey what country do you think that surgeon mailed off for his Plastic surgery licens O'm just saying....
    Have a great 2012 Robyn. My wish for you would be to meet a successful owner of a Chocolate factory. Hugs and Love~Ames

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  14. oh, glory be! Are they for real, or are they normal people taking the mickey out of the weirdos? Please tell me they're spoofs!
    Have a wonderful New Year Robyn.
    Sue

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  15. hi robyn, here's wishing youa nd your family the best for 2012!

    happy new year, my dearest!

    big hugs!
    betty

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  16. Oh My Friggin' ELOHIM!!! And goldmimes!!! That was some of the funniest stuff yet. Proving we as a society are failing (at spell check) and sanity! Happy New Year Robyn!

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  17. A goldmime sounds like C3PO with his voice box malfunctioning.

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  18. ROTFLOL!! These guys are just nuts.I really do fear for us and think we are much better off celibate. No looney is getting my cash and prizes ever! I had one who told me that he liked my face, I reminded him of his dead wife. I ran to my car faster than Usain Bolt in 100m.

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  19. I would say "Unbelievable" but sadly I believe it :O)

    A girlfriend and I were talking about this just the other day. We joked that we would just write "Must have good health insurance and minimum of two bedroom house"

    Scary times.... *grin*

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  20. Wow. 152? Really?? What a jerk... Robyn, you're a brave soul for doing this...

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  21. Plastic surgeon my God fearing anus!! lol... Since when were plastic surgeons known as being superficial? It's called money man, and there's tons to be made...apparently.. not my thing. Many of them actually, god forbid, help people with injuries and deformities! This guy should do his research..

    Another goldmime from you Robyn.. lol..
    (been away so will try to get to your other posts soon).

    xo

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