On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #150-54: Goldmimes and An-uses

Following a brief transgression into non-celibacy (see last two Paradise posts for the story, if you like), I’m back as a Born Again Celibate with reasons #150-154 for this state of existence. Why? The options are only getting scarier, my friends. Take a look at the following current internet dating ad blurbs (with my comments in italics)...

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REASON #150: Hi I'm a very hard worker can do some repairs arounds I like to camp and goldmime I’ve gotta tell ya, hon, I’m picturing a goldmime and it ain’t pretty. I like to go up in the mountains and just drive and look at the beatiful land I go caving at least once or twice a year some ppl think I'm crazy but I've been careful.  

Yeah, look out for those quiet but deadly goldmimes that like hanging out arounds the caves.

REASON #151: Hi, I am a nice and young guy to get alone with. Alone with what? I work, go to school, and workout six days a week. I am single, have my own car, and my own place. I am looking for someone to hang out with tonight and maybe cuddle. It would be a cold night. 

A cold night cuddling with you? Sweetie it’s like this: I’ve had worse offers. I just can’t think of any right now. Oh wait. Here’s one. He wants to meet me:

REASON #152: Politically, I am a Moderate, so I'm flexible in that area. However, religiously I am a Nazarite. Say what? This term sounds rather anti-Jewish. Upon a bit of research, I’m even more confused on this Nazarite thing you do, but I’ll be fair and let you continue…As a result, if you don't believe in GOD, I don't want you. Hm, um, okay, this could be offensive but I’ll be fair and let you speak your mindlessness…If you believe in Jesus, it shows me you have been too busy to research the origins, and validity of your religion. Oh no you didn’t say that. However, if you do believe in The LORD, and you have done your homework, when it comes to the pagan solar deity concocted by Rome, I admire/applaud you. Christ never existed, he is merely a symbol of the age of Pisces. Of course, Mary is Virgo, and the apostles are constellations. The Mark of the beast is a cross.(Daniel 7:25) Don't get me wrong, it's okay if you believe in walking on water, rising from the dead, feeding multitudes with two loaves of bread, etc. It's also okay, if you don't know his story was plagiarized from Mithra, Dionysus, Horus, Krishna, and many others. What's not okay, is if we are about to run out of fuel, in the middle of Nevada, and I am praying to ELOHIM, and you are praying to Je-Zeus. They threw Jonah overboard for a reason. lol. A relationship is two people, with our Heavenly Father included. Without him, we are Godless apes. With him, we just might be...an us, and a we. 

I think it’s only fair to say that with or without your Diety, you are anus and I don’t support or understand any of the crap you just spewed.

REASON #154: I would lve to meet new people. O'm a plastic Sugeon, but i'm not superficial. I'm big hearted. I'm not opposed to dating and seeing what happens. I think woman are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. I tend to date older woman, but that does not mean a younger one couldn't be mature and a good fit. Please say hi. I travel a lot to do surgeries pro-bono in other states maybe we could hang out. Say hi soon  

No’ce try to pass yourself off as a do’mctor, dude.

REASON #155: this sh*t is amusing!    I can't argue with your headline but I won't date you.