Top 10 Stupidest Personal Ads of 2011

As 2011 begins to end, the entire cast and crew of Life by Chocolate wishes to pay tribute to this year's TOP 10 STUPIDEST ATTEMPTS AT CYBER-LOVE. By unanimous vote, in reverse order, found on popular internet dating sites and unaltered by any of our staff members, here are this year's winners.

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10) I am a BANANA!!! 

That’s your headline? Alright, you fed me the line, so let’s see you split.

9) Hmmm.... I wear a lot of black. A LOT. But not because I'm weird, it's just my favorite color and it just so happens to go with everything I also wear dress socks, no matter what. Weird? Maybe. Fun? Yes.

8) I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic.

7) Timing is everything almost, but with out it one is sure to let out surprising noises occasionally…Fog Horn Leg Horn is my friend but the Chicken Hawk is my hero. I feed my cat raw chicken legs and fish…I love bomb sniffing dogs and don’t believe in airport searches. Have I hypnotized you yet? Email me as soon as you finish reading (snap).

Sure thing. Excuse me while I go start reading War and Peace (Snap).

6) Im at a lost for words at the momonet.... 

5)  I hope to learn to read someday. I listen to whale sounds instead of music, you should hear them on drums! I like chocolate on my pants and someone to get it off.  

That’s one form of chocolate I’m not tempted by.

4) I see my self politically as a nonpartisan, until both of the the party start listing to what us the common man & women have say. In the United State Constitution! it say this country was found for the people & bye the people, and when two party that are running this country start listening to us the people will thing get better…Long may the flag that represents our frredom wave.

Run, Forrest! Run for office!

3) i am 50 yrs old but my profile says i am 39 yrs old.I made a mistake and its hard to make another account so i will just retain this account.

That’s a rather suspicious mistake, ‘ole man. If it’s weighing on your conscience, try the “Edit profile” function.

2) I am looking for a wonderfull woman to move into my room with me in my folks basement if all goes well she (you ) will take care of me and spend all your money on me rather then bills or anything else. after a while I will let my true colors shine through and let you use my crack pipe and take a sip off my 40 (room temp) momma don't let me put it in the ice chest / fridge. I know that gotcha going. just so you know I have my own place sort of it's me and my kids I would like to meet a nice girl that can also be a lady who can fit on the back of my motorcycle ....no it,s not a hog ITS A HONDA sabre vroom vroom.

I’d prefer smoking crack in the basement with your momma.

1)  I  am a full time father 50% of the time.

Math isn’t your strong suit, is it?

Life by Chocolate's Awards Ceremony, The Best of 2010

 Robyn: Welcome back, Millie and Gertie.
     We haven't seen you in months. You been busy?

        Millie (left) and Gertie (right) giggle and blush.

     Millie: Oh, yes. Yes, we've been getting busy alright.

     Robyn: Ladies, you promised to behave yourselves.
     Let's get on with the show.

     Gertie: Millie, did she say "get it on"?

     Millie: Are you kidding? That celibate little prude?

     Robyn: LADIES!

Millie, clearing throat: Welcome to our show! First, let's look at Life by Chocolate's best comments of 2010. They're out of context, but -then again- so are we. There were too many good ones to choose from, but the boss narrowed it down to just three. She wants you to know she appreciates all of your comments, but she had to make drastic cuts. Finances and all. Sorry. Try again next year. Giggle, giggle.
Gertie: The nominees are...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Cheeseboy, who said...Although I have actually taken coconut into my veins (long story, but it involves some bad mushrooms, a tube and a night in a Hawaii hospital), I must say they do sound delicious. BUT nothing, and I mean nothing will ever beat the peanut butter M&M. Ever. (7/29)

     Marlene, who said...You know what's even worse than poor spellers? Those who butcher the English language when speaking! (I should know. I was married to one, once!) How about "upholstraphy" instead of "upholstery"....or "forfill" instead of "fulfill"....or "hud caps" instead of "hub caps". Yeah.....that's what I had!!! (I'm not even going to tell you why I married someone dumber than a bag of bricks....you would be pissin' yourself laughing for years to come, and I can't have Depends making a fortune just because of something I said!) (7/12)

     and Kal, who said...Yeh, and all the cute girls have an out of town boyfriend attenting a military academy. I don't buy it for a second. Can't be real or he IS real but hides the fact that he has an 11th toe until the third date. If he was so perfect some woman he is related to would have set him up with her best friend or her best friend's sister who has only nine toes - so in truth it's a fairy tale match that completes the set, as it were. I am not buying it. Any guy who is on a dating site is a goober or drives across country in his refrideration truck and collects bodies. It's a fact. I know because I read it online. Don't be fooled - hang out at the grocery store and talk to men who are shoping alone. If the salad dressing they buy is anything other than RANCH - you jump at that prize steer and you ride him for the full eight seconds. *Okay, I write great comments, but THAT one should be imortalized in a museum somewhere. (10/28)

Gertie: And the winner is...Kal! We're building a Museum of Science, Industry, and Kal's comments. Congratulations, Kal. We'd send you your award, but Robyn says there isn't one. Budget cuts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Millie: The next award is for the best photo. Here it is.

Best photo 



**AWKWARD SILENCE**
Gertie: Oops. Hey! Robyn? Where is she, Millie? How did that one get in there?
Millie: I don't know. Try again.
Gertie: Aww, there we go. It's her adorable chocolatey nephew, Jeremy.

Millie: This last award goes to Robyn's best reason for celibacy. Poor girl. I mean, there are so many virtues to this lifestyle. Right, Gertie? She's Jewish, so she doesn't quite understand our devotion.

Gertie: Yes. You got me. I mean, you got it, Millie. Robyn doesn't get any. I mean, she doesn't get it.

Millie and Gertie blush and giggle.
Robyn: LADIES!

Millie, clearing throat: Final recognition goes to Mr. Cemeteries, for this internet dating ad.

REASON #34: What to say? I do dishes, Landry and not bad on the barbecue, I came out to help my sister movie into her new home was offered a job and stayed, SO here to give California a try I was told it was allot warmer here? ..thought Id stay one or tow years pay off my home then decide sell and movie here or movie back home, (still in the air) Not shore how it will sound but it will depend in part if I meet some one out here! just got back into working out need to drop about 20lb like to meet some one to see the sights with have a good dinner with, to go any further than that it all depends on the cemeteries we have, I think if the cemeteries is good the rest can fail.

Gertie: Mr. Cemetery? Mr. Cemetery? Millie, I don't think he made it to the theatre.
Millie: No, I don't think he made it either.
Millie and Gertie look up, then - just in case - down, cross their hearts, and depart for some prayer.
Robyn: Thank you all for watching our show. Enjoy the end of 2010.  xo

TEST SCORES ANNOUNCED WITH APOLOGIES!

Miss Robyn (red-faced and panting): I am so sorry! I tried to stop them. I really did. But they bulldozed their way into the classroom. They were in the dressing room (together) since Valentine's Day and overheard me talking about the test. Oy, I am especially embarrassed in front of my Jewish students (Rachel, Copyboy..). Everyone, I'm a nice Jewish teacher, I am. It's meshughenah, it is. Here's our diaglogue and the results:

Millie (left): Did somebody say sex?
Miss Robyn: No Millie. That's test. Test. It's similar but different.
Millie (left) and Gertie (right) together with obvious disappointment: Oohh.

Miss Robyn: Alright, let's get on with it. The Nun Better Award for the highest Choco-IQ goes to 3 girls.
Gertie: Excuse me, Miss Robyn, did you say "get it on"?
Miss Robyn, with increasing irritation and embarrassment: No, Gertie, I said, let's get on with scoring. I mean, let's just do it. Er, here we go.

Millie and Gertie eye each other up and down, clearly distracted and highly aroused.


Miss Robyn, talking quickly given the opportunity: Our star pupils are LifeBeginsat30ty, Rachel (our beloved home-schooler), and Kristy!! CONGRATULATIONS girls. Please come up and receive your award (this token picture of the Nuns).

Audience applauds, whistles, and screams loudly! Principal enters the classroom, concerned about the raucous. He appears to know these nuns. The three tip toe away towards the dressing room.

Miss Robyn: Our next top students are Invisible Seductress-
Millie and Gertie, upon hearing Seductress' name turn their heads in synchronicity: Love her!
Miss Robyn: AND TS Hendrick. CONGRATULATIONS to both of you! You get B's and lots of chocolate gummy bears! TS was first to return his test and received the highest(er) score for the boys. Quite brave to compete with girls in the field of chocolate.

Miss Robyn: Our third set of students get See's. (Really good chocolate, if you don't have these where you live or even if you do). Copyboy and Sarah, that's you. Congratulations!

The rest of you did fail.

*Bell rings.*

Class dismissed.

THE AWARDS CEREMONY IS HERE, ALAS!!

Millie (left): Thank you! Thank you! So sorry for the delay. It took a while to strip down.
We were getting hot and bothered in the saintly garb. The long awaited (interrupted by Gertie)-
Gertie: Millie, you bad girl. You said LOONG!
Millie and Gertie giggle together. Hehehehehee.
Gertie, trying to compose herself: Robyn asked us to announce the winner of the 10th Worst Song to Play When You Want to Get Lucky. The girl thinks we know EVEN MORE than she does about how NOT to get lucky. Can you believe her?!
Millie, moving in closer to Gertie and staring deeply into her eyes: No, I ah..Oh, back to the ceremony. In the tradition of all the big shindigs like this, we're going to fill the time with lots of nonsense until the final credits roll out. Then, we'll make the big announcement.

Gertie: Let's look back at this sentimental journey. Shall we? We had 12 voters, a handful of commentators, and 24 ballots. We let people vote as many times as they liked, since there was no shortage of "I Voted for the 10th Worst Song to Play When You Want to Get Lucky" stickers. One singer clearly took the lead. You guessed it, Rod Stewart!
Millie: Boy, I'd like to stew his rod.
Gertie: Millie! You bad, bad girl!

Millie, blushing: I'd like to thank all those who voted, starting with Aion! Aion, you won. Well, almost.
Gertie: Don't be a tease, Millie.
Millie: Sorry Aion. We did hate the lyrics for Rod Stewart's stay with me: "With a face like that you got nothin' to laugh about." I'd stay loyal to the church with that one.
Gertie: I hear you, Millie. My dates used to play that for me all the time. I didn't let them get to fourth, I mean first, base.

Millie: Next, we almost gave the award to The Invisible Seductress.
Gertie and Millie in synchronicity: Love her!
Millie: And that swinging in the car thing (Cheery Pie by Warrant) wouldn't do it for us either, sweetie. But Gertie here was slightly aroused, I mean a-annoyed, by it. 

Gertie: Lisa Marie managed to shock us a bit by suggesting that our Madonna is "like" a virgin. We thought she was a virgin, Lisa, else we might have gone Jewish and all. We've got some thinking to do, Millie.

Millie: Yes, yes. But let's speed it up so we can go back to the dressing room. You know, together.

Gertie: Here we go. I want to thank KrippledWarrior for his random Rosie vote, and Michael for suggesting my favorite music (death metal and hard core grunge. We'll see you at the after-awards rave, Michael!). Thank you, Alice, Kitty, and Blase - nothing blase about him, I gotta tell you. Hubba hubba!

Millie: Plain Ole Bob is one you can always count on. We love you, Bob! That Copyboy sure knows what's wrong. Did you see his profile picture? It's getting really hot in here!
We also thank Rapunzel for rushing from her tower to the polls at the last minute. Thank you, sweetie. Tell that Fishy to quit the Lionel Richie tunes, for your sake. And his.


Cut to final credits.

Millie: Here we go. Really. There was one song that is by far the most repulsive, repugnant piece of ***bleepin bleep**** We will never be tempted again.

Gertie: This is true, dear audience. If you try this one for a "lucky moment," we'll be sure to see you at the convent. Millie, giggly and blushing: And you can share our bedroom with us!

The Winner is, the one and only Uber Grumpy who nominated "I'm a Wanker" by Ivor Biguns.  

Gertie: BIGuns. Get it, Millie?! Millie: Stop, Gertie. The curtains are shutting. CONGRATULATIONS Uber!
 
Gertie: Did you see Uber's photo? I'm feeling temptation come on again.
Uber, your prize is, oh, we forgot a prize.
Don't try this at home, especially not if you're on a date and want to get lucky: I'm A Wanker