Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Woman on the Verge of Paradise and Why I Choose Celibacy Again

 
Sign reads: May you find Paradise to be all that its name implies.
Thanks for joining me on the verge of Paradise, as a new chapter of my life unfolds. This series can be found in the Paradise button to the left. While I alter some details to protect the guilty, I strive for accuracy in terms of content. This post follows from the last. I hope you enjoy.
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I’m embarrassed to say I broke my celibacy* I know, I know. Here I’d made all this progress, honing in on 150 reasons for continuing a celibate existence these past 19 years or months or so. A strong, intelligent, independent woman I am. Yet, in a moment of shameful weakness, I gave my celibacy to the cockatiel boasting, trapeze swinging, hot wax fingering Señor Salsa.

We were supposed to go for dinner that night. Instead, after we left the dance club, he said he just wanted to unwind -with me, at his place. Last I checked, unwinding involved some wine, a foot or back massage, and/or a moment or two of romance before the games began. Am I right, or did romance die with chivalry? I wasn’t even offered tap water in a Styrofoam cup. Instead, as soon as I got to his place, he went straight to fondling …the remote. We watched TV on the couch in his living room, kind of.  When his hands started to wander away from the remote, I had a word with him:

“I really didn’t like all the teasing about my height.”
“I’m sorry, I told you, you remind me of my sister.”
“Yeah and, well, a woman doesn’t want to hear that she reminds a man of his sister.”
He laughed and asked, “Who should I have said you remind me of?”
I was about to suggest my uncanny resemblance to Jennifer Aniston (It was really dark in his living room at the time) when he broke me down:

“You are very sexy. You make me think crazy thoughts.”

That’s when the breakage began. It continued for about 90 minutes. It was fun for the first five minutes and for another thirty seconds mid-way through. But he placed appendages in strange positions causing me to say a meager “ouch” several times. I wasn’t even tempted to go for broke. It wasn’t a breakage like in a Jewish wedding when the groom shatters the glass and the crowds cheer “Mazel Tov!” There wasn’t sex either. And I left well before he wanted me to.

A few days later he sent an email: “Hey girl how are you?” I’m not sure what baffled me more, his grammar or lingo. Either way, I responded that I was fine but didn’t want to take things further.  In turn, he said he understood and has been perfectly cordial and friendly with me since. The fact that things are finally feeling normal between us, after all the abnormalities, feels unusually abnormal to me. 

At any rate, I’m still a bit ashamed. I’m also still smiling.
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*I'm embarrassed to say, this whole time, I had the wrong definition of "celibacy" in mind. Either I'm incredibly naive, and/or the definition has changed over the years. We'll go with the former. Maybe Mom wanted me to think celibacy involved avoiding kissing. That's what I grew up believing it meant. Only recently (I'm revisiting this post years later), I learned that celibacy refers to abstaining only from intercourse. Thus, like me, a person can be celibate for years on end but still have a good time. According to the conventional definition, then, I'm still celibate, and it's my usual status. Woohoo!

33 comments:

  1. Sometimes when you think you've got it all figured out...life throws ya a big old curve-ball.

    God bless ya and have a marvelous day sweetie!

    BTW: Pop over for my giveaway if ya get a chance, I'll put the cider on the stove and throw out a tray of fudge for ya! :o)

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  2. Girl, you DID get... and you almost got something else, too! All I can say is, BE PICKY, it'll keep.

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  3. He did tell you what those crazy thoughts were, Robyn? Or like a good writer, did he show rather than tell! (BTW, 90 minutes is the time given for a soccer match, which sometimes ends in a scoreless draw).

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  4. Almost there and didn't make it to the finish line...Así es la vida, too bad and maybe good given the kinky use of parts...better luck and better tango next time maybe a samba!!!

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  5. I believe you are still technically the "master of your domain," thus leaving you eligible to marry a prince. Don't settle for anything else, unless he's as funny as you are!

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  6. Interesting story Robyn. I definitely wouldn't feel too bad for giving into this though, like Gorilla I'm curious if you got to find out what those crazy thoughts were

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  7. No shame - and keep smiling.

    (90 minutes??!!)

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  8. 90 minutes wow! No shame what so ever, so close and yet so far..haha

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  9. Brush the dirt from beneath your feet I say. Someone better will turn out. Men are dangerous around remotes. I'll be gone for the rest of the year, so Happy Holidays. :)

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  10. It sounded like a typical evening with me and Mrs. Chatterbox, especially the part about appendages in the wrong places!

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  11. The great part is that you don't just settle... Your life on your terms! You are awesome! Once again, I apologize on behalf of my brain dead gender...

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  12. oh, dear, keep smiling and don't be ashamed!

    you're really awesome, my friend!

    xoxo

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  13. You are all wonderful. I know I keep saying that, or statements to that affect. It's true. Thank you.

    GB and Yeamie, he didn't say anything except to make me explain why I didn't want to stay longer. It's probably best I don't know his crazy thoughts.

    Stephen, that's great. Love it, though I'm guessing your wife doesn't.

    xoRobyn

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  14. Yeah, no toads, ya hear?!! :) (Can you tell I kissed a few before I finally met my Prince?) One day your Prince will come.... la la la la la la....(and I'm sorry if I busted your eardrums.)

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  15. I'm confused - you broke your celibacy but there wasn't sex?! Please clarify Robyn (I'm clearly being a bit thick)!

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  16. According to the baptist religion unless there is coitus it doesn't count, ask Mr. Clinton.

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  17. You kept your dignity! Tell him it doesn't matter he is Mr. Salsa - you are NOT a Tortilla chip.

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  18. Well ... okay, then! There you have it. :)

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  19. Been a long time since I even attempted a date. Other than my ex-husband. At least we know each other very well :)

    .....dhole

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  20. Kitty, "celibacy" is an outdated term (and state of existence) that few but me generally adhere to. It just refers to not kissing.

    Ruth, RFLMAO. Yes, he "did not have sexual relations with that woman." Had he been referring to Hillary, we might have believed him.

    Thanks Alex!

    Donna, consider yourself lucky.

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  21. I wonder what "crazy thoughts" he was thinking.

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  22. Ah! I never knew that. I don't think I could ever do it...I love kissing!

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  23. 90 minutes?
    No sex?
    Broke celibacy?
    Appendages in strange positions?
    And why'd you let those people come in and shatter a glass?
    Most importantly, why ashamed?

    On the other hand, good thing it wasn't a cockaTEAL.
    Then, the little bugger would be green.
    Or did you mean a bird?

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  24. Gurrrlll, as long as you're smiling, I'm smiling.
    Hugs
    --Dawn

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  25. you do make it sound so all so funny Robyn, far more entertaining that the sraightforward sex thing.

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  26. jerzey, I can guess but don't really want to know.

    Kitty, I do too but not when the only options are idiots, freaks and weirdos.

    Baygirl, thanks. Hope you're settling in okay.

    Al, you are the silliest. My shame is related to the cockatiel-hot wax-trapeze combination, plus insults. I really lowered the bar here. Regarding the glass shattering, it is a waste of nice kitchenware.

    Dawn, thanks gurlfriend.

    David, I'm glad. That's what I was aiming for.

    xoRobyn

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  27. I think you're still awesome. :) I'm proud of you for leaving when you did and sticking to your guns.

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  28. Damn.. so close! You should have 'knocked out out', taken his remote and ran for the hills....!

    He sounded fairly polite about it afterwards..

    Man, this hurdle is just getting too big! May 2012 bring the big one! and then you're going to have to capitulate and give us all the details as we've been in suspense for too long.. lol


    ;)

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  29. Golly, don't be ashamed. One day I'll have to tell you about more of my escapades. As far as lowering the bar, well, I did something in high school that would blow the guy with a cockatiel out of the water.

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  30. You're sweet, BabySis. I appreciate your comment.

    Anthony, suspense? I think it's just all one big (or very small) anticlimax from here. LOL. Thanks, friend.

    Thanks Al. You're the best. You'll need to share that high school escapade story some time.

    xoRobyn

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