Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Woman on the Verge of Paradise: A Cockatiel, Trapeze Swing and Hot Wax

 
Sign reads: May you find Paradise to be all that its name implies.
Thanks for joining me on the verge of Paradise, as a new chapter of my life unfolds. This series can be found in the Paradise button to the left. While I alter some details to protect the guilty, I strive for accuracy in terms of content. This post follows from the last. I hope you enjoy.
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Shit.  I’m giving myself the “What the hell did I do him - er, that - for?” speech before anything’s even happened. Sinful thoughts run amok, enticing my hormones to get all riled up and stupid. Yet I was doing so well with this seemingly eternal celibacy thing. A strong, independent woman, my brain ruled the way and I was achieving my goals. Damn that weirdo for taking me off course.

As I’ve mentioned, the chemistry between us is explosive until Mr. Salsa* talks. The man’s lingo continues to leave me in a primal state of bewildered arousal. Last week while salsa dancing, he paused to wrap his arm around my waist and proudly introduce me to a friend:

“This is Robyn. She’s going to be my new wife.”

“I think not, but where’s the ring?”

“We’ll go to McDonald’s, for onion rings.” He humored himself, and only himself, with his (lack of) wit.

Still, my hormones and hunger led the way as I joined him for a bite to eat after class at, um, his place. The eatery was closed, likely per his plan. After finishing some carne asada, Mr. Salsa walked me into his garage to display a few things.

First, he introduced me to his cockatiel, then an Amazon parrot, and, finally, an Asian love bird.

“How you doing? How you doing?” They kept repeating, as he kissed their beaks. I felt at once intrigued and nauseous.

Then Mr. Salsa pointed out his fitness swing-trapeze apparatus.  He plopped on it, whirled upside down,  then in a backbend pose.

Hm, okay. I see you’re flexible.

The grand finale included a hot wax treatment. “Do you like hot wax?”

“Say what?” The question’s unfamiliar to me.

“Hot wax. Watch.” He dipped his left hand into a huge vat of hot wax. “It’s good for cuts. See…” He pulled his then zombie-like hand up and proceeded to strip a layer of hot wax off his fingers, one by one.

The door opened behind us and his roommate, clearly half-asleep, stuck his head in. We both gave him a casual "hello" and I took the cue. “I’m sure it’s good stuff. I should get going now.”

To his credit, Mr. Salsa did not dip any part of me into hot wax nor did he pull me onto his trapeze.  To my credit, I didn’t touch his cockatiel. Well, actually, I did. But just a little on the head. That was it, and he took me back to my car shortly thereafter. With a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I trekked home with my celibacy intact, my brain frazzled.

Since then, though, Mr. Salsa invited me over for a “stake” dinner. “I have the house to myself,” he added. We know what this means, right? Yeah, he planned to burn me at the stake with hot wax and nobody would witness this but his exotic birds. What good are they except to ask “How you doing?” like a fowl Joey Tribiana? So, astute as I am, I declined in favor of dinner again after class tonight.

Crap. I’ve gotta move. It’s time to get dressed.
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*I can’t figure out how to insert the tilde over the “n” in Senor. Thus I’m stuck with “Mr.” Salsa.

33 comments:

  1. WINK WINK Bawdy innuendo ahead:
    You touched his cockatiel? Freud would have a field day with that. If he wasn't dead.
    But, at last he didn't have a cockatoo. Then, you'd have to touch it twice.

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  2. Or, at "least." Bawdy innuendos are much funnier with better proof-reading.

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  3. LMAO A trapeze and a chorus of dirty birds...Yummy! Hot wax, too. Wow, that beats my latest who wanted me to and I quote, "tear him up, big girl style."

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  4. Al, we were standing up when I touched it. That doesn't really count. Right?

    Melissa, good lord there are freakazoids out there. I love ya.

    xoRobyn

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  5. Getting all touchy with a cockatiel, but at least it asked how you were doing first..hahaha

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  6. Dating has changed so much since I invited women up to my room to show them my etching collection. They always seemed surprised that I actually had an etching collection to show them.

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  7. Ha ha....don't know how you manage to make the meanest blues go away with your affairs da cock-a-tiel!!!
    Asian love birds tend to lay half a dozen eggs every two weeks...so beware is all I can say....you may end in the bird sanctuary instead of Señor Salsa's arms (go to google search, type senor...find the site with the tilde and copy paste)...voilà

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  8. My inlaws have a parrot and a cockatiel. My fil wants a cockatoo also, but mil says no.
    There the similarities end. At least I hope so.

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  9. Frankly, I'm worried about your safety. Do not go anywhere with Mr.Salsa aka Mr. Wax without a chaperone, preferably an esthetician. Julie

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  10. Good thing he didn't have a rooster - touching that would have been too symbolic. He's definitely planning something kinky with the hot wax, Robyn, keep your guard up!

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  11. If he offers hot wax again, you need to show HIM the bird!

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  12. I don't trust this guy one bit. Sounds like quite the weirdo in all honesty. Great post as always Robyn.

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  13. If this doesn’t work out, at least the man has provided you with excellent (and humorous) blog fodder!
    For what it’s worth, I say - go with the chemistry - but beware of hot wax and DO NOT get in that trapeze thing!

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  14. I've missed your humour - you actually make me laugh out loud (very few people can do that) x

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  15. No, darling! No! Wax? Birds? No. You are not giving me much hope for the future here, Robyn.....

    Just NO.

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  16. Great post! Really?? Did he really have a vat of hot wax in his garage? That's so crazy!

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  17. Pat, good point. The cocatiel's more respectful than the guy.

    Stephen, that's funny. It'd be nice to go into a man's room just to view his sketches. I imagine.

    Rek, thanks dear. I'm still not getting the tilde thing. I hope it's not an omen that I'm stuck with this Mister.

    Ruth, sounds like your mil is the startest of the bunch.

    Julie, you are so sweet and funny. I'll look to recruit an esthetician (a cute single burly male one will do just fine. Don't you think?)

    GB, I will GB. I didn't see the hot wax last night but it was boiling, I'm sure.

    Alex, I like it. Will do.

    Yeamie, this is what we American single women endure. You're right. It's crazy. Thanks for your words of caution.

    Beth, thank you for understanding the damn chemistry thing and reason us otherwise smart women may make stupid choices. But no hot wax or trapeze for me.

    Kitty, I'm so honored and so glad (again) that you are back. I really missed you.

    Betty, oh honey, thank you!

    Johana, yep, sandwiched between the bird cage and trapeze swing.
    Nice to see you here. Thanks for visiting.

    xoRobyn

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  18. PS Ruth, sMartest, not startest.

    Love you all!
    xoRobyn

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  19. It doesn't count in the bird world because...oh, what the hell do I know how birds do it? I'm lucky to even know how I do it.

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  20. Robyn, in that household that is not saying a lot.

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  21. Robyn, you are a woman of exciting times it appears...I like the swing and the wax but the birds, just a little creepy. The fact that he invited you over when his roommate was out gives you an equal shot at dumping him in the wax...just saying. Could be fun.

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  22. Al, I don't know either. I just know there are some song lyrics about birds and bees doing it so they must find a way somehow.

    Ruth, you're making me laugh too. You and hubs are cornering the family's market on braincells, I take it.

    Chuck, good idea. And it was his kissing sessions with the birds that creeped me out a bit.

    xoRobyn

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  23. I'm not really sure where my hubby got his smarts-it sure wasn't from his parents that's for certain.

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  24. Good grief, woman! This reads like fiction. Hot wax, and a trapeze?! And birds? Run, Robyn, run!

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  25. lol Another great story ! Keep them coming.

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  26. well, i don't trust that guy either.
    wax? birds? No!No! No!

    big hugs!
    xx

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  27. Girl...tell me that you will soon be celibate no longer............

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  28. Your stories are always so fantastic. The title alone is hilarious. A cockatiel, trapeze, and wax - you couldn't make this up. I absolutely relate to your dating frustrations but your experiences make for great posts!

    Have a great weekend, Robyn! :)

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  29. Yay Joey! How you doin'? ;-) I love Friends. Just the other night I was having a discussion with my cousins on which Friends girl we liked. Apparently I have the hots for Jennifer Aniston although I would probably get along better with Phoebe. Mr. Salsa should be in the show. :-P

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  30. Dipping hands, hot wax, kissing cocks.. AND rings.. I'm all dizzy..

    Off for a cold shower..

    Things are heating up Robyn! Go on girl.. throw the leg over... haha

    If it doesn't work out, at least you'll get a few stories out of it..and maybe get to 'scratch one out.' It's overdue!

    ;)

    xo

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  31. Ruth, sounds like it was a fluke but in a good way.

    Dawn and Julie, I know. I'm being spoon fed this material for Life by Chocolate. I keep looking for hidden cameras but I'm not finding them. Maybe they're in the vat of hot wax.

    Jerzey, glad you enjoyed it.

    Betty, you're right. Thanks for the warning.

    NotSoSimply, well, yeah. I did break my celibacy but not to extent of breakage he'd hoped for.

    Nadeem, I'd pick Jennifer too. She's the hottest on that show.

    Anthony, your comments always crack me up. I like how you play with words beyond my playfulness with words. I'll give an update in the near future.

    xoRobyn

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  32. He sounds like a looser. And an idiot. I hope he goes away...

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