Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #144-49: Turkey Time Banter

Taken directly from current Internet dating ads, to follow are my reasons for celibacy numbers 144 through 149. As usual, you can find my snark-filled dialogue with this turkeys in italics. Please enjoy, and may the only turkeys you encounter this season be dead ones covered in gravy. 
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REASON #144: lets start with hy; my name is ........Nah, Y'm kinda not feeling it.

REASON #145: I am so lonely, they call me Mr. lonely, I have nobody to call my own. Want a woman to hold, cuddle, chat, spend thanksgiving with. I am tired of being alone, but I'm cursed to be single, that's my fate. Oh how nice it would be to find a woman who accepts me for who I am and isn't fluffy.
Patting my bulging belly: There’s nothing wrong with a little fluff. It happens to the best of us. Otherwise we tend toward anorexia and that gives a guy little to cuddle with. If you’re all that, Mr. Lonely, why no picture? And how desperate are you that you choose to be so particular?

REASON #146: Stand up guy  
You never sit down? ‘Cuz a gal needs to rest her feet on occasion.


REASON #147: Hi, Just checking out this thing, let's have some coffee and see where it takes us.... I have a job, house payments, bills just like everyone else, would like to share.....:)
Sure, tell ya what I’m gonna do.  I’ll let you share my bills, rent and life expenses.  Then I'll share some coffee with you (in separate cups).  

REASON #148: i am a funny guy, layed back but i work when there is work to be done, and i am in collage i not gonna be a bum lol i wanna be someone have some one you interested message back or text or call 
Are you an art major or is our educational system rapidly declining towards the earth’s core?

REASON #149: Im at a lost for words at the momonet.... 
That you are.

25 comments:

  1. The non bum should meet the guy who didn't want someone fluffy.

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  3. Well, crap, I commented about proofing and then I DIDN'T! Thanks for the laugh!

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  4. exactly what slimey stone do you find all these winners under Robyn - happy thanksgiving x

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  5. I love how the "collage" dude is "layed" back. Bwaahaahaa!!!

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  6. Alex, that's an idea.

    David, so many slimey stones, so little time. (Plentyoffish, okcupid, match.com, craigslist <-don't mean to be profane).

    Ms.A, I do that all the time and you're very welcome.

    Marlene, LOL. Good point. I wonder if he's getting layed in collage.

    xoRobyn

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  7. I love it. I find the same kind of things. I have to learn a new language to decipher what they are saying.

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  8. What's a momonet?
    Is that like a moment according to Monet?

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  9. Don't these tools ever consider how what they've written is going be taken... they really make us look bad.

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  10. Hahaha! Sounds like a winner to me! Oh but you missed one, "layed", should be "laid" :)

    So one of my dating nightmares used to tell me all the time, "It's your LOST" ---indeed!!!

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  11. Goodness. If I ever am single again, I'm investing in the best Adam and Eve have to offer and avoiding the dating scene if this is what's out there. Thanks for the giggle.

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  12. You didn't highlight all the spelling mistakes of the last two, Robyn, you must be getting fluffy! Actually, I think "momonet" ought to be a word, we just have to think of a good meaning for it.

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  13. You're right. How could I miss "momonet" (great definition of this word, Ruth!) and "layed"? I just gave them special attention in bright green.

    Pat, sadly I think they believe they're humorous. I don't know. It's too strange to understand.

    Thanks for the laughs, friends.
    xoRobyn

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  14. I seem to have missed a lot of good stuff....your centus blew me away....and now you drop this bomb before I can gather my split sides.
    the collage layed down scares me...maybe he is busy collecting pretty collages to lay down the drunk nights on.... anorexic or he has a problem with cat woman?

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  15. hahaha you sure found some real turkey's. These are all blantant too, maybe they were thinking with the thing that they shake in the loo..haha

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  16. that guys spells like me and I'm not all that bad...ok - but I do try to edit myself!!!

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  17. These are all really funny, some men really don't have any tact or class it seems!

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  18. I have a house payment to share with no. 147!
    Sheesh what a bunch o' losers. I don't blame you, Robyn, I'd be celibate, too.
    Happy Thanksgiving, mah friend.

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  19. Don’t you wonder if these kind of ads ever get responses? I guess there must be the female equivalent out there guaranteeing some “perfect” matches.
    (I think I lead a very sheltered life.)

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  20. lol Greet postt . Me luved it. Butt the speeling was offf a bitt.

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  21. SECRET NOTE:

    DEAR HANUKAH HARRY,
    I'VE BEEN GOOD THIS YEAR. SURE IT'S CUZ I HAVEN'T HAD OPPORTUNITIES FOR SIN BUT I'VE BEEN GOOD. ANYWAY, ALL I WANT FOR HANUKAH IS 1 MORE FOLLOWER. I'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT 9 IN MY FOLLOWING FOR TOO LONG. OH, AND THEN JUST ANOTHER 30. PLEASE. IT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

    LOVE,
    ROBYN

    Where was I? Thanks for your comments, silly peeps.

    Beth, I do wonder and I think you're right. Weirdness attracts weirdness. Sometimes I think I'm not weird enough for dating.

    xoRobyn

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  22. Isn't fluffy?? Really?? I think I will forever hang on to Boyfriend...the men out there scare me...

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  23. I bet if you put these men in a room together, and showed them all of their mistakes, they still wouldn't change a thing. You would think that these dating sites would have automatic spell checks to lure more customers. Robyn, you should just open your own matchmaking service, and get first dibs on the good ones! Julie

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  24. lol. I'm so lonely... out of there straight away... haha...

    Though I think I want to go to that 'collage' and get a degree.. I hear they're going cheap...like these bums! Bums unite!!!

    =]

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