Prayer for Sinfulness!

This (re)post reveals my inner world during a communal prayer on Yom Kippur Day, the culmination of this sacred time. On Yom Kippur, we make final effort after final effort, preceded by just one more effort, to atone for our sins. Moreover, we do so near the end of a 24-hour fast. During this benediction, one taps his/her chest with a closed fist upon reciting each sin, while anxiously anticipating a morsel of something (in my case, chocolate, of course). To all of my Jewish friends and those who love us: Happy New Year ~ 5772! 

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Pound! Pound! For all of the sins that I’ve committed by - Pound! Pound! Pound that Jewish bosom with a tight fisted fervor. Pound! Pound with the vengeance of our oppressed people, enslaved and banished by the enemies for nearly 6000 years.

Harder! For the sin of adultery. Pound! Pound! For the sin of blasphemy. Pound! Pound! Don’t stop. The gates of repentance are still open. Pound faster! Pound harder! Pound!

Pound! For gluttony. For greed. For lust. Pound! Pound! Jesus! I mean, ah, Dearest Almighty, give a Jewish girl a break. I only wish I’d committed these sins for which I’m bruising my upper left boob. Pound! Pound! But, no! I’ve paid in the price of divorce, despair, emotional and fiscal bankruptcy, my dreams of childrearing dead with the sea, that holy Dead Sea – the one that’s of no use but to float upon in all of my misery and despair. Pound! Pound!

Oy, had I merely reaped the benefits of adultery along the way! Dayenu![1] But, no. No. It’s been nothing but tsores[2] for me, I tell you. Just my mazel.[3] Pound. Pound harder! This, it isn’t good enough?! Pound! For the sin of lust. Pound! For treachery. Pound! How long must this dreaded dirge go on for, and when was I ever treacherous, anyway? In fact, what the hell – I mean, heck—is treachery?

Pound! Pound! I’m fasting for Christ’s, I mean Miriam’s, sake! My knees are weak. I can barely stand. I think I'm going to die. I need one m&m, just one. For starters. Pound! Pound! Oy. This it is meshugenah,[4] it is.

Almighty, please let me sin as soon as the sun goes down. Oh Holy One, I beg of you to allow some sinfulness here. I mean, it’s all I’ve got. I swear, but not really. Not that often, and only when I’m not feeling lust. I separate my lust from swearing, to thoroughly savor each experience. Trust me.

Listen, I’m quite lousy at sinfulness. I’m good at most things, except, well, driving and sinning. Hmm, driving while sinning, now that sounds delicious. I mean – Pound! Pound! I’d really like to hone my skills without the guilt that has plagued my people for all time. Pound! Pound! For the sin that I’ve committed by not sinning, forgive me Dear One. Grant repentance and a new year chock full of opportunity for some juicy sinning. That’s all I ask, All Powerful One. I won’t ask for anything else. I promise. That’s all this little Jewish girl with a bruised boob requests.

Pound! Pound! Ouch!

[1] It would have been enough. (i.e.,The adultery would have been a blessing of its own.)
[2] Stress and misery. Oy, the stress and, oy, the misery.
[3] Luck, in a bad way.
[4] Crazy nonsense or nonsensical craziness.