And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Prayer for Sinfulness!

This (re)post reveals my inner world during a communal prayer on Yom Kippur Day, the culmination of this sacred time. On Yom Kippur, we make final effort after final effort, preceded by just one more effort, to atone for our sins. Moreover, we do so near the end of a 24-hour fast. During this benediction, one taps his/her chest with a closed fist upon reciting each sin, while anxiously anticipating a morsel of something (in my case, chocolate, of course). To all of my Jewish friends and those who love us: Happy New Year ~ 5772! 


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Pound! Pound! For all of the sins that I’ve committed by - Pound! Pound! Pound that Jewish bosom with a tight fisted fervor. Pound! Pound with the vengeance of our oppressed people, enslaved and banished by the enemies for nearly 6000 years.

Harder! For the sin of adultery. Pound! Pound! For the sin of blasphemy. Pound! Pound! Don’t stop. The gates of repentance are still open. Pound faster! Pound harder! Pound!

Pound! For gluttony. For greed. For lust. Pound! Pound! Jesus! I mean, ah, Dearest Almighty, give a Jewish girl a break. I only wish I’d committed these sins for which I’m bruising my upper left boob. Pound! Pound! But, no! I’ve paid in the price of divorce, despair, emotional and fiscal bankruptcy, my dreams of childrearing dead with the sea, that holy Dead Sea – the one that’s of no use but to float upon in all of my misery and despair. Pound! Pound!

Oy, had I merely reaped the benefits of adultery along the way! Dayenu![1] But, no. No. It’s been nothing but tsores[2] for me, I tell you. Just my mazel.[3] Pound. Pound harder! This, it isn’t good enough?! Pound! For the sin of lust. Pound! For treachery. Pound! How long must this dreaded dirge go on for, and when was I ever treacherous, anyway? In fact, what the hell – I mean, heck—is treachery?

Pound! Pound! I’m fasting for Christ’s, I mean Miriam’s, sake! My knees are weak. I can barely stand. I think I'm going to die. I need one m&m, just one. For starters. Pound! Pound! Oy. This it is meshugenah,[4] it is.

Almighty, please let me sin as soon as the sun goes down. Oh Holy One, I beg of you to allow some sinfulness here. I mean, it’s all I’ve got. I swear, but not really. Not that often, and only when I’m not feeling lust. I separate my lust from swearing, to thoroughly savor each experience. Trust me.

Listen, I’m quite lousy at sinfulness. I’m good at most things, except, well, driving and sinning. Hmm, driving while sinning, now that sounds delicious. I mean – Pound! Pound! I’d really like to hone my skills without the guilt that has plagued my people for all time. Pound! Pound! For the sin that I’ve committed by not sinning, forgive me Dear One. Grant repentance and a new year chock full of opportunity for some juicy sinning. That’s all I ask, All Powerful One. I won’t ask for anything else. I promise. That’s all this little Jewish girl with a bruised boob requests.

Pound! Pound! Ouch!

[1] It would have been enough. (i.e.,The adultery would have been a blessing of its own.)
[2] Stress and misery. Oy, the stress and, oy, the misery.
[3] Luck, in a bad way.
[4] Crazy nonsense or nonsensical craziness.

22 comments:

  1. You are one fantastic writer, you know that?! Love your humor, too! Great post!

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  2. Stop that pounding, woman! You must really love your mammograms. ;)

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  3. i like your humor :)
    great post

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  4. If you were a serious sinner, you could beat yourself to death, huh?

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  5. What's with the King Kong treatment? Give that chest a break will ya!! I NEVER want you to perform CPR on me unless I am wearing a bullet proof vest! W.C.C.

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  6. Hah, this prayer should be in the Bible, with a warning not to attempt it unless your boobs can take a hammering. Is lust really a sin? I thought all the great Israelites were into it in a big way.

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  7. LOL. This is the best one yet. Quit pounding your boob. I'm not a good sinner either, but imagination is a wonderful thing. :)

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  8. A little religion confusion there - maybe you shouldn'tbfast and repent... Hilarious, Robyn!

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  9. Wishing you many an opportunity for sinning in the coming year...

    (This was hilarious – had me laughing out loud – I think the neighbours heard me – the crazy lady next door...)

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  10. That's exactly what it feels like. I can see how we must look like complete meshugenahs to onlookers and yet we still do it.

    Let's share some apple and honey (ok and some chocolate sauce too) and pray for a sweet new year. Shanah Tova.

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  11. Throughly enjoyed your post. I hope your boob recovers from all the pounding!

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  12. Frisky, thanks sweet lady.

    Marlene, I hate the coldness of that dang machine. Not a fun process.

    Damon, thanks so much.

    MsA, you really could - by guilt alone.

    WC, you're a wise (and kind) man. Thank you.

    GB, yeah, the Bible's full of lust. Yeah, it's a sin. Can you believe that? Yet we're supposed to be fruitful and multiply (just not with thine neighbor's spouse).

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  13. Betty, she's a great one to agree with. Thanks.

    Laila, thank goodness for imagination and lust. I mean, just imagination. =)

    Alex, think I went a little sacrilegious, huh? Yeah, good thing the Rabbi doesn't follow my blog. You're not reading this, are you, Rabbi?

    Beth, that's great. That crazy lady next door could probably use some laughter (even if it's not her own). I'm honored.

    Rosalind, thanks for understanding. Warm New Year's wishes back to you.

    Darlene, I appreciate it (and so does my boob).

    JennFab, so glad to make you laugh.

    Have a great weekend, all.
    xoRobyn

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  14. For eating chocolate in your honor,
    POUND POUND POUND...

    and I am not even Jewish...

    Yet, I am your sister from another mister, does that count?

    Love and kisses

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  15. Maybe you could pound the person standing next to you instead! Then you could invite him to the Yom Kippur dance! I'll be thinking of you next week, and I'll probably get thrown out for laughing so hard! Julie

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  16. All that pounding made me hot.
    Oy.

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  17. hello there...I thought its Tarzan who beats his chest though here, I have seen a lot of Muslims men beat their chests till it bleeds during one the mourning festivals, Mohurram I think....They even mention the same angels as Judaism and Christianity and yet the worst clashes in history has been within the three. Isn't fighting and killing the greatest sin?
    As always you make me fall in love with your writing....and admire your courage for what may seem as blasphemous...I couldn't do that despite being an agnostic, except call our holy books the original fantasy and science fiction books. ...

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  18. I just found your blog and I was thrilled there are others out there who worship the "Dark Master" the same way I do. I recently wrote a post on my blog you might be interested in: "Near Death By Chocolate." I look forward to enjoying your blog in the future.

    http://thechubbychatterbox.blogspot.com/2011/09/near-death-by-chocolate.html

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  19. This was hilarious. You crack me up, Robyn. :)

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