And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I'm Unsure About This One

Because writers might on occasion grapple with insecurities, Alex J Cavanaugh started an Insecure Writer's Support Group for bloggers. We’ll post monthly, exposing our insecurities and/or offering support. Check out his link to join the group (sit by me, please!) and/or to visit others’ posts. It’s popular already, with many exceptional writers and authors. My first insecurity piece follows. 

Interruption, Special Report: I went over to Just The Cheese for an interview today. I think I embarrassed him and myself. It was fun. I hope you go pay him a visit.
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Blood surges erratically between every two points of my insides. My heart pounds with the ferocity of Conan. Drenched in anxious sweat, I attempt to breathe. But the walls are closing in on me. We’re all sitting in a stupid circle. Cold faces stare me down like I don’t belong here or anywhere, for that matter. God, I hate support groups!

Alex, our competent facilitator, says it’s time to introduce ourselves.  Crap! I have to talk? Inhaling, I try to remember my name.

“I’m Fluke Insecurity,” boasts the smarmy rude-ass to my right. “I relish in telling Robyn her every writing success is a fluke and won’t ever happen again.” He peers at me with haughtiness. 

“Her two small publications, ha!  Fifteen years apart. We’re talking a decade and a half. Don’t quit your day job, girlfriend. It hasn’t happened since and won’t happen again, at least not for another 15 years. The last publisher said she liked Robyn’s writing so much she waved the submission requirements. Yeah, right. The girl didn’t fully research the publication or send a query letter because – get this!—she hadn’t heard of such a thing. It was a mere act of pity, a fluke of the worst kind. And her acceptance to write for a reputable national website? Fluke! They just needed more writers in Chico, that’s all. It’s a small town. And her over 400 blog followers? A fluke. All of them, flukes, just there for the return follow.”

I’m boiling with rage and can’t hold it in any longer. “Well fluke you!” I get up and reach over to choke his smarmy-ass neck. Alex calmly intervenes and I begrudgingly sit back down, still fuming .

“As you can see, I’m much needed here,” the next jerk chimes in. “I’m ‘I Don’t Know What The Hell I’m Doing’ Insecurity. Check her out. I mean, her grunge attire and explosive temper aside, she hasn’t a clue. She writes short pieces. So what? Robyn has no idea how to write a full story, find an editor, deal with the cover and illustrations, get some CNN or ESPN number or something.”

He faces me to emphasize his point. “It’s not the same as a little blog post, lady.  Give it up. You don’t know what the hell you’re doing!”

“I’ve had enough!” I roll up my sleeves and prepare to kick some – Alex stands up and offers a hand, full of Valium.  The effects are immediate and I begin chanting “Let There Be Peace on Earth.” Soon all of my insecurities are humming along.

The last bastard breaks the mood. “I’m Page Fright. Robyn named me. She hates me. The feelings are mutual. I love getting between her and the page or computer screen at important moments, like when she decides to write an article about sex and relationships (personal things that embarrass her). I really have fun then.  Sometimes, she considers sending her work out, and I’m right in her face then too. It’s a blast. That’s all I have to say. Your turn, lady.”

Alex gives me a nod.

Peace warming my heart, I introduce myself. “Hello everyone. I’m Robyn.” 

The bastards stop humming to respond: “Hi Robyn.”

“My birth name is my pen name, Robyn Alana Engel. I’m a writer. Thank you. Can I go now?”

36 comments:

  1. Well, what do you know! I've got a friend called Fluke Insecurity too. He's the meanest. Keep fighting him, girl!

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  2. If you're embarrassed about sex and relationships, just pretend you're writing about what a friend told you. That always fools everyone. Is there a blog called 'Cut the Cheese', I wonder?

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  3. Worse than my insecurities is my bossy alter ego – “Sit down at that computer – now!” “Write 1000 more words before taking a break.” “Edit that, its awful.” And the kicker – “Stop reading blogs and get back to work!”

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  4. Ooh, that invoked all my deepest fears of groups! (Damn, that means I've got even more insecurities than I thought).

    I should also mention that, out of a list of 110- I was drawn to your blog because of its title. I have a feeling I won't get round them all.

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  5. I absolutely loved this! There is a meeting here that will be attended by
    "Too flabby to be fabulous"

    "quit now and save myself the heartache"

    "It'll never get done"

    Great post!
    Blessings, Joanne

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  6. That was awesome! Knew you'd come up with something clever. Crap, Mr. Fluke Insecurity visits me all the time. Tells me I'm a one-book-wonder.

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  7. Keep fighting against these guys! The only way they grow is if you feed them. Great post.

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  8. I don't aspire to be a writer, so I save myself all the insecurities that would involve. My life has plenty, already.

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  9. I need to join that group. Wow.

    You're a great writer. This was very clever. :)

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  10. AWESOME!

    I was told when I taught for many years to- "NEVER BE AFRAID OF THE BLANK PAGE!" I have taken that to heart and something--usually outside of me and better, always comes! You missy are a phenomenal writer with a great wit to boot!

    Great piece Robyn. "Yes, you may go now"!

    LYMI,

    John

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  11. Sometimes humor-to me-is a crutch by which I can shield myself from insecurity.
    Good God, I've been serious twice today (First time was with Ruth on her Welcome to Me blog)!
    I think I need a nap.
    Or ask someone to pull my finger.
    Or both.
    Ahhh, there. That's much better.
    Who wants to laugh?

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  12. What it I'm too insecure to admit my insecurities?

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  13. Sounds like a vicious support group! Well written post!

    Now give the "cheese" a cookie!

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  14. You are all wonderful. Thanks for your support. Phew. My heartrate is slowing and I'm breathing easier now. Course, the Valium helped too.

    Together, we can conquer those evil insecurities.

    xoRobyn

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  15. Robyn, that was the funniest thing I have read in a while. I am sure you are no fluke...beat those bastards with bananas!

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  16. What a riot this post was. I can't say I have a Fluke insecurity friend but "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" insecurity and I go waaaaay back.

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  17. Well FLUKE "EM ALL!!!!!
    Oh Robyn, I can't imagine you having insecurites.
    I guess we all do.... Darnit!
    You pretty freakin awesome in my book~
    Love ya lots
    gi gi

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  18. seems like a fun idea. I have a few insecurities I could write about.

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  19. Thanks for the glimpse at those familiar feelings. Kudos for battling and winning.

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  20. That's right, Robyn. Don't let them get to you. Fluke them all! You are a damned fine writer and I ooze with envy every time I read your stuff.

    BTW, nice to be back.

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  21. Love this! I am going to be an avid participant! lol

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  22. I am shocked that YOU my friend would EVER be an insecure writer... So are so eloquent of a writing Diva that I would of NEVER guessed!

    Keep doing what you are doing sweetheart! You rock the blog world!

    Lisa
    xo

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  23. Thank you for naming Mr. Fluke Insecurity. That bastard visits me all the time, but I calledd him M. Effer.

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  24. And that is why they won't issue me a pistol permit.

    Very funny.

    But don't listen to them. Listen to us! Keep writing!

    Thanks for sharing.
    HMG

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  25. You, my dear, are both clever AND creative! I really enjoy reading your writing...and I'm proud to be one of your 400 "flukes"!!!

    P.S. I read the interview over at the cheese dude's blog - and I must say, you certainly are a saucy sassy little minx!!

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  26. Thank you, friends. I'm glad some of you are going to participate. Sit next to me. It'll put me at ease.

    Dawn, he's a fluke and an effer, so FLUKE HIM.

    Chuck, I'm flattered. Thanks.

    MJ, thanks for visiting and offering support.

    Heather, that's a perfect response. It's good I don't have one either.

    Gigi love, you're such a sweetie. Thanks, darlin'.

    Lisa, you're so kind. Thank you, dear.

    Marlene, I know. But only in bloggyland. Really, I wish I could come close to saucy in real life.

    xoRobyn

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  27. I don't think your success is a fluke. You write to entertain and your stuff is easy to read. Since this is a game at its core about communication - you seem to be doing just fine so keep it up and DON'T LOOK BACK. W.C.C.

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  28. Don't let them get to you...just a bunch of jealous rejected writers green and blue. Loved this snarky post.

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  29. Just needed you to know, I am eating a whole lot of chocolate this week.

    I deserve it.

    Peanut m & m's last night.

    Hersey's dark chocolate tonight....

    And for tomorrow...hm...don't know yet...

    Loving ya from the "other" paradise....

    Lisa
    xoxo

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  30. Wow! This was fantastic! Now I'm feeling more insecure than ever and there's no chocolate in sight!

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  31. Fluke, indeed. Fluke Insecurity needs to go away! And Page Fright. You are so much more than these insecurities. Good for you for writing about them so you can banish them!

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  32. i love your witty writing and your subtle sense of houmour.

    you're amazing!

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  33. I've got all three of those bothering my life too...they're pains!! I hope they leave you alone soon...

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