And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, September 26, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #131-137: Smartsville and Quit Guys

They keep getting worse. I'm sure you'll agree. To follow are my reasons numbers 131 through 137 for maintaining a celibate existence on this ever-strange planet. As usual, I've posted unaltered samplings of  current internet dating ads with my comments (in blue). Please enjoy...somehow.
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REASON #131: What do you call a sleep-walking nun? A “Roamin’ Catholic.” Thank youuuu…I’ll be here all week. What do you call this Jewish gal posting your so-called joke on her blog? Repulsed and annoyed!

REASON #132: I am a quit guy and looking for a girl i can go out with and have a good time with and may be we will get along and have a good time and see where we go from there.  A quit guy, huh? I’m not sure I have the tolerance. Tell me, at what stage do you tend to quit: before showing up for the date, in the middle of conversation, or when you’re – you know –  giggity giggity?

REASON #133: Take advantage of my new lowered standards today!! Interesting tactic, buddy, though I doubt Snooki will respond. She probably doesn’t read.  Good luck anyhow.

REASON #134: Opposites do not attract, positive thinking attracts positive actions, shhh it's The Secret!! Shhh, The Secret (Law of Attraction) sold over 1 million copies, dear, and the theory’s been around for nearly 100 years. Shhh! PS You clearly think you’re cool. I don’t (think you’re cool). Shame we’re opposites.

REASON #135: you could be my next ex wife This may be my best proposition yet. What’s your annual income and who gets the kids on the weekends?  

REASON #136: I like to camp. I hope to learn to read someday. I listen to whale sounds instead of music, you should hear them on drums! I like chocolate on my pants and someone to get it off.  Get off…er, get it off on your own, buddy. That’s one form of chocolate I’m not tempted by. Sometimes when I'm bored, I make model cars out of dog bisquits. I can't wait to learn to use my thumbs, my mommy says it will open up my world. I like dogs. I need to use the backdoor of your home as I am a hippie and not respectable enough to enter the front. Stay in the doghouse, babe. I’ll toss you some bisquits.

REASON #137: nice guy! how about a redneck?    Smartsville, Californiaxxxx kkkkkkkk eeeee eeeeee eeeeee. iiiiii iiii iiiiiiii ffffffff. rrrr rrrrrr rrrr oooooo ooooo oooooo pp ppppppp ppp. ssssss ssssss ssss dddd ddd ddddddd. sssss eeeeee rrrrrrr rrrr tttt tttt tt ttttt  Does your red neck have anything to do with your fingers getting stuck to the keyboard?

Note to my readers: there really is a Smartsville, California and it’s not too far from me. I’m kinda  thinking it may be wrongly named.

28 comments:

  1. At least #135 was upfront with his intentions!

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  2. This is exactly why stupid people shouldn't breed. Does your head always hurt when you look through these?

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  3. the guy who hopes to learn to read and listens to whale sounds instead of music sounds like a real winner...

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  4. Is there supposed to be a meaning to #137, that I'm not seeing? I totally understand the ignorance of the other ones, no problem.

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  5. Bahahaha! OMG, there's no hope is there???

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  6. I'm glad you weren't tempted by the "chocolate off my pants" guy. It was probably a euphemism for coprophilia.

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  7. Guys lower standards and no one cares. A girl simply dips her toe in the "lower standard" sea and all the sharks come a callin'.

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  8. Why are they called 'nuns'?
    A: Because they can't.
    Why are they called 'lay' people?
    A: Because they can.

    Incidentally......Reason #136 "likes to camp" and "listen to whales"? Where does this guy camp? Seaworld? It's a shame when Aquaman has to submit to the personals.
    Still...model cars out of biscuits. Yup, he's a keeper.

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  9. Okay, you have just confirmed that my choice to be celibate for at least another 3-4 months was not a mistake.

    I will pass on the bisquits and chocolate pants, too.

    I don't think I have unreasonably high standards. Not currently crazy. Employed or with an independent source of income (a la Bill Gates, as opposed to Mommy's credit cards). Literate.

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  10. This slew of comments is golden, my best yet! Oh, I can't stop laughing. I love you all.

    Alex, true.

    Ruth, I'm laughing so hard at your comment. You're spot on. Yeah, these ads pain me until I start reading the comments.

    David, that one is just too bizarre for words.

    MsA, I know. I keep trying to find words in the repetitive letters but there aren't any.

    Yvonne, conjugal visits is looking like a good option now. Huh?

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  11. GB, I just looked up coprophilia. How gross. You're undoubtedly right.

    Copyboy, that's just such a hilarious comment. Thank you for the laughs.

    Al, love it. Aquaman, yeah. Worse yet, that dude makes model cars out of bisquits. Maybe he's a quit guy too. Ya think?

    Beverly, I hear you. The bar's been downgraded to: man with pulse who won't be financially dependent on me, can read at -say- 4th grade level, and doesn't live with his mama.

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  12. Reason 133 sounds like a date I had. And I quote "I used to be really arrogant and only date gorgeous women, but I decided to expand my horizons. I've always wondered what it would be like to date a fat chick. You sure do look all fluffy and warm." Funny, I thought I was pissed and homicidal.

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  13. Oh gosh. I think I will now suggest that you go for the cross dressers. They seem TOTALLY normal after mr smartsville

    Also... I really liked that a guy could form coherent, well spelled sentences but can't read. The whale music thing would turn me off though.

    I refuse to lower the bar. In fact, the more I get approached by men, the HIGHER my standards go. Like the football player who tried to convince me that I would like his... anatomy. And yes, he's in one of my classes. No, it isn't anatomy class.

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  14. Kinda makes me wish I was single...NOT!

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  15. Whale on drum. I'd pay money to hear that.

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  16. LMAO....the redneck took the cake...he may have well said looking for ladies with double names than waste time typing.
    how can you write without reading?...we were taught the r's like rote, read and then write...maybe exasperated kindergarten teachers may want to learn this technique...
    the big secret ...most men are smart little they open their mouths or type pads.

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  17. I'm sure you've been told this countless times, but you should actually send your brilliant (!) responses to these guys!

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  18. Oh my...I'm thinking celibacy and a cuddly kitten sounds like the way to go!

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  19. I love how your comments are almost as entertaining as this blog! You bring out the best in your loyal fans! Try not to think about any of these losers and have a very Happy New Year! Now I'm off to look up coprophilia! Julie

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  20. Melissa, that quote makes me pissed and homicidal too. He's so much worse than a jerk.

    Miley, I bet that dumb jock's big ego is an overcompensation for his small...anatomy. Good for you to keep raising the bar. Thanks.

    Unknown, NOT is right.

    ADSL, it is a bit intriguing.

    Rek, some men (my followers excluded) are at their smartest when they're asleep.

    Beth, I have done that once or twice. Of course, it only angered them and subjected me to further doses of their idiocy.

    Baygirl, glad to make you laugh. Rather, glad to find a fool's ad to make you laugh. Hope all's well.

    Jenny, thanks. Yes. Plus chocolate of course.

    Julie, ugh. Sorry you looked it up. That gorilla, I tell ya. Gotta love him but understand he lives in the jungle. Happy New Year to you too (assuming that's appropriate).

    Damon, thanks.

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  21. I have actually been to Smartsville. The rednecks weren't apparent that day.

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  22. The Snooki comment had me laughing!!! I don't watch Jersey Shore - but EVERYONE knows Snooki! Unfortunately! LOL

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  23. Some of these can't possibly be serious. Otherwise our society has taken a severe left turn somewhere...somewhere near California maybe??? You find all the good ones Robyn!

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  24. Haha remind me not to visit Smartsville.

    I think I'm starting to feel sorry for these guys. They're really not going to go far are they...

    Unfortunately, most have bred already.

    "The Rich get richer, the poor have children."

    Great work buddy.
    x

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  25. Do 133 and 135 seriously think that will attract girls?? I mean really...

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