And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

TMI & Dr. Philistine's EXCLUSIVE HOLIDAY SHOCKER, Grand Finale

Dr. Philistine: The world is shocked and saddened by Mr. and Mrs. Claus’s impending divorce. In case you missed it, TMI recently uncovered the scandal. Here it is: TMI clip. Today, I am going to do everything within my power, and I mean everything within my power, to save their marriage. Let’s welcome them to the show. Come on out here, Mr. and Mrs. Claus. ~Crank applause meter to maximum volume.~

Mrs. Claus trances in, wearing a hot red bustier, green jingle belled garter, and black pumps. Mr. Claus stumbles in, disheveled, wearing a Santa suit, with no belt or shoes. Attorney Johnny Candycane follows, and Mr. Claus falls flat on his face. The audience gasps. Mrs. Claus hides her face in embarrassment. Johnny lifts him up, escorting Mr. Claus to his seat. 

Dr. Philistine: Welcome. You’ve been together since 1834. When did your marital problems start?

Mrs. Claus: I have always been a bit bitter that I am not as iconic as he is. Without me and my cookies, he'd still be a clerk at the Kost-co in North Pole Village!
Mr. Claus: 1835, that woman has been on my case every day since....uhhh....what was I saying?


Dr. Philistine: Mr. Claus, do you have a drinking problem? Because you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Mr. Claus: I do have a drinking problem. It's a problem when I don't have a drink in my hand!!
Attorney Candycane offers an affirming nod.

Dr. Philistine: Mrs. Claus, is it true that you have been - shall we say - sowing some wild oats of your own? Because it's time to get real about your life. I said it's time to get real about your life.

Mrs. Claus: That really frosts-ma-butt when he plays the victim about town! Is this about my pole dancing at the Slippery Peppermint Stick lounge? Really, when are we women going to take control of our own sexuality and come out of the prude closet dontchya know? You should have seen the look of shock on the piercer’s face when I got my labias bejeweled! "Not YOU Mrs. Claus, blah, blah, BLAH!!!" This is 2010 Eh??!!! Yeah, I took control of mine and he LOVED it until he noticed everyone else loving it too and he decided to stop taking his Extendz to break ma down!

Dr. Philistine (turning to Mr. Claus): Something's not right here. Look me straight in the eye and answer this: Have you been unfaithful to your wife?

Mr. Claus: You look me straight in the eye. Look at her, would you want to hit that every night?

Mrs. Claus tears off her jingle belled garter, violently flicking and hitting Mr. Claus with it. “You *bleep*in piece of *bleep!*" Attorney Candycane intervenes to subdue her, and the audience chants, “John-ny!” “John-ny!” “John-ny!” Mrs. Claus returns to her seat. Everyone is now calm.


Dr. Philistine (sighing): Very well then. I’m concerned about the elves. All of this tension in the home isn't good for them. They were expelled from school last week. Mrs. Claus, you are fighting for custody. How will you support them?

Mrs. Claus: Dear, I can only say that the new life I have simmering on the back burner is very lucrative. I am the one who offered those boys the luxuries they have now and freedom to NOT kneel down for Claus! He may have "Saint" in his name but he is no angel, dontchya know!! Most of dem are over a hundred now anyways. It's time for them to experience life! Ma boys'll be fine, I'll make sure, Eh.


Dr. Philistine: What do you say, Mr. Claus?

Mr. Claus: School is overrated. Those elves don't need an education. All they're going to do is work in my shop and make toys. Yeah, I'd like to see the wife get a job. What is she going to do, sell pies for a living? Have you tasted her pie? Smells and tastes like bad fish.

Dr. Philistine: Now, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. How’s your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: I've started manufacturing my own holiday line of personal pleasure electronics, Dear. And as my troop dawgs say:

(Mrs. Claus stands up and does the booty clap before continuing in rap style...)
Poppin' bottles in the ICE----like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right---- gettin' slizzard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride----like Three 6
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!
Put your hands up dontchya know!
Like a G6, Like a G6!!!
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!!!

Mr. Claus (nodding his head definitively, in obvious disagreement): Don't believe anything she tells you. Santa has no problem getting his wooden soldier to stand to attention. Maybe if somebody dressed like her sister, I would want some sex.

Dr. Philistine: Well, we’re just about out of time. But I’ve arranged for you to attend a treatment resort in Texas. It specializes in couples from the North Pole dealing with the 176 year itch, drunken idiocy, Slippery Peppermint Stick Lounge pole dancing, and violence by jingle belled garter. They're the world’s finest team, and they’ll save your marriage on time for Christmas. Are you willing to accept this help?

Mrs. Claus: If I can get my Sizzurp on there, I'll go dontchya know. I love him still. I do. Look at 'em all bowl full of jellyish!
Mr. Claus (eyeing Mrs. Claus flirtatiously): Are these the same people that helped Marie and Donnie Osmond?

Dr. Philistine: Vey well then. Thank you for having the courage to be on our show. Do you have any final words?

Mrs. Claus (She stands up to booty clap again and toys with Santa's fur before turning to the camera): Hi to all the reindeer and elves watching back home, peace out.
Mr. Claus: Who's stocking do I need to stuff to get a drink around here?


Dr. Philistine: Very well then. Merry Christmas, everybody (waving). He greets wife Robinstine, sitting front row center, and they exit arm-in-arm. ~Insert Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You, and cut to the credits~

I am so grateful to the illustrious InvisibleSeductress for playing Mrs. Santa, and the unforgettable PowderedToastMan for playing Mr. Claus. Their creative, outrageous humor is inspirational. Dontcha think? Thanks for all of the laughter with this Holiday Shocker series, you two. Please go visit to commend their stellar performances. Thanks.     Happy Holidays, all! xo

22 comments:

  1. I had no idea! They seemed to happy. Just goes to show you never really know what's going on in a marriage....

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  2. Mrs. Claus is hot! I promise. I dare you to Google "Mrs. Claus" in Google images and you will get a host of images to prove my point.

    Nicely done by all three of you. I hope you didn't think I was trying to steal your idea with my latest post. Yours may have inspired mine a bit, but I promise I wasn't trying to mooch.

    Marie and Donnie are Brother and sister, right? I mean they're not married. I know, we Mormons are weird, but we're not THAT weird. (I think)

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  3. Like a G6, like a G6, feeling so fly like a G6!!!

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  4. I think that since Mr Claus will be in Texas, I should get my leather get-up on and try to give him some "therapy".

    Damn, it's really been a while...

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  5. Don't you just hate that 176 year itch. At least durian fruit is an aphrodisiac.

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  6. I dunno. I think M Clause wear's the red pants if ya know what I mean.

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  7. I'm ashamed to say I don't know what "the booty clap" is. It might be something I've done without realising it.

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  8. What exactly is a slizzard? and where do I find one?

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  9. I am STILL worried about the elves!

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  10. AWESOME! I love it! Nice job... like a blizzard.

    - Wally J

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  11. OT, thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. xo

    Jason, it is shocking, but we need to remember that we've really only seen them in the public spotlight once a year for 176 years. :0)

    Cheeseboy, great, quirky minds think alike. I just perused google images. I see what you mean. Her sister's pretty hot too.
    You've gotta admit Donny and Marie always seemed a bit too happy to make music together, for siblings. ?! xo

    Seductress, Mrs. Claus is too cool for school. No wonder the elves were expelled. Keep on doing the booty clapping rap. It was a definite highlight..fly like a G6. =-)xo

    Miley, I'm sure Mr. Claus would appreciate your visit. I suggest waiting until Mrs. Claus is out pole dancing. She's got a bit of a temper. xo

    David, I wonder if the durian fruit grows on the North Pole. That might help the Claus's. ;0]

    CB, yeah, the Mrs. wears the pants, whenever she wears them - if you know what I mean. xo

    GB, I have the same shame. Plus, I just needed to google G6. It does look fly. <-;

    PTM, I'm guessing, PETCO. xo

    Betty, you're so caring and realistic. Those elves are lucky you're around. =-b

    WallyJ, thanks...Like Three 6. Whatever that means, but in the best of ways. xo

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  12. That's just wrong...those poor elves...

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  13. Cheeseboy is right - Mrs Claus is seriously hot and you are seriously funny! x

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  14. I laughed out loud at the "EH" reference, ya know. EH?

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  15. This was hilarious! I will never look at Mrs. Claus the same way again. Brilliant :0)

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  17. I've always suspected that there was something going on between the elves and Ms. Claus. I'll bet they were all over here like ants on a grasshopper...

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  18. lol too funny!

    I hope you are having a great holiday. Stop by my Blog for a chance to win some of my favorite things! http://xsherix.blogspot.com/2010/12/sheris-favorite-things-holiday-giveaway.html

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