Monday, December 13, 2010

Holiday Shopper Chatter

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One fun thing, the only fun thing, about holiday shopping is eavesdropping on shopper chatter. There's a little extra bite to everthing people say and do this time of year. Here's three conversation snippets from my last few shopping adventures. Note that my responses are my fantasy responses. I now regret that I didn't speak up.

SCENE 1

Setting: Wal-mart, during my biennial excursion. I'm in the shoe aisle, and the store is shaken by an irate shopper. I don't know if anyone actually saw her, but she was surely heard by all.

Customer, shouting: Where are the wife beaters? Tell me where I can find wife beaters! Nobody's helping me. What's wrong with you people? You don't even don't know your own merchandise! Where are the f*n wife beaters? That's right. I'm an angry customer!

Me: As much as I'm staunchly opposed to domestic violence, someone PLEASE get that woman a wife beater to shut her up! I grab a cashier's mic and announce: "Wife beater to aisle 16. Wife beater to 16."

***
SCENE 2

Setting: Alameda Town Center's outdoor shopping mall, nearing a chocolate shop. Yuppie 30-something'er parents stroll three steps ahead of their four year old son, their poodle leading the pack.

Boy, whining: But I just want some chocolate. I want some chocolate.

Mother, in an I'm so cool tone: Quit moping. Do you like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Because your face is going to stay that way if you keep whining. She laughs, humored by herself.

Boy: But I just want some chocolate.

Mother, in same arrogant, patronizing manner: WELL, I want an airplane. Tell ya what, you get me a plane, and I'll get you some chocolate. She giggles with her husband, both amused by her obvious cleverness.

Me, playing the Social Worker card: Look lady, I'm a mandated reporter, and -raising cell phone- I'm about to contact Child Protective Services. But I'll give you one more chance. Get your boy some chocolate, and we'll just pretend this never happened. That includes your asinine comparison of a plane to chocolate. In this day and age, you think a plane can measure up? You really aren't the sharpest tack. Buy him chocolate, and treat yourself to a sense of humor while you're at it.  I raise my cell phone again.

***

SCENE 3

Setting: TJ Maxx, in between Men's and Women's clothing.
Teen, lifting hanger to show a jacket to his mother: How about this one?
Mother: If he were a pimp, that would be awesome.

Happy holiday chatter, one and all! xo




32 comments:

  1. The wife beater is freaking hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh on a Monday.

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  2. I have to go to the "bad" WalMart tomorrow afternoon to shop for gifts for a needy child. I hate the "bad" Walmart, because if you have ever googled "people of Walmart" images, that's where some of those pictures were taken. I have to go to that one because that is where the benefit for needy children is being held.
    We have a "good" Walmart near our house. It is an upscale version with wide, clean aisles, and there are no long lines, either. I actually see my friends there on occasion. So far, I have never seen a weirdo there. I am blessed.

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  3. LOL! Love it! It gives me the much needed laugh.

    B xx

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  4. we would have fun shopping together I would bet....


    Oh so much fun....

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  5. Love listening to other people when I'm shopping. It makes me feel so much more normal.

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  6. I think that is the one thing I have missed about getting my Christmas shopping done early...
    Poor chocolate-less kid...doesn't the mother know what she is doing to him?!?! Something needs to change.

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  7. I'd just love to know what that woman wanted to do with a wife-beater. Did she have the build of a wrestler?

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  8. Christmas brings out the best in people, doesn't it?

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  9. Eavesdropping, given the volume of some peoples' voices and the disturbing loss of boundaries, is better than TV.

    Pearl

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  10. LOL...
    All three of those were great! I guess I'm going to have to do a post on my inventive use of a store PA system...

    thanks for checking up on me, I appreciate it.

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  11. OT, my pleasure. Thank you. xo

    Judie, there's a benefit at the bad Wal-mart? Well, hopefully it will behave itself for the children's sake. :-0

    Betty, I'm glad. Thanks. xo

    SirT, I have no doubts that would be very fun. <o:

    GunDiva, lol. Me too! xo

    BabySis, thanks for agreeing with me. I should've made that phonecall. =-b

    GB, I don't know. I was too scared to take a peak at her. I think we all were. xo

    Alex, in frightening ways, my friend. d-:

    Pearl, I fully agree. It's so easy to do nowadays, too. xo

    Pat, now, I definitely want to know that PA story of yours. So glad to see you back around. Hugs. =oD

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  12. Hilarious! Oh how I dread having to go to Walmart. I was in one one night when there was a flock (yes flock, too lazy to count) of children buzzing around with those roller shoes... kept crashing into me. I wanted to kill the parents.

    I do feel for that poor child though, all he wanted was a bit of chocolate.

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  13. That mother should have been reported just for the fact she refused her child chocolate. Her bad sense of humor...well, isn't she a cheerful lady?

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  14. I'm confused...I thought wife beaters were underwear shirts? You know...the kind Onslow always wears?? What's she doing in shoes?? Loved this. I always think it's funny how people always assume I work in the store...any store that I am in. What? Do I look like a sales clerk??~Ames

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  15. Uhm, hello, she was in wal-mart. All they had to do was pick out a random dude and BAM! wife beater! sheesh. Idiots *grumble grumble*

    Remind me never to go to the store with you. I think we'd get in serious trouble.

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  16. I love to watch and listen to people while I am shopping. What I have noticed ......parents out shopping with their kids and then getting upset with the kids because they are not behaving like the should........don't understand why they don't leave them at home with daddy/mommy or someone.

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  17. You have me totally cracking up on that wife beater story. If there was ever anyone that deserved one.

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  18. I like the mom in #3. She's my hero!

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  19. I'm assuming the irate shopper was after one of those sleazy mesh tank tops that some guys wear to show off their man-boobs? As for the arrogant mom who wouldn't give her little guy chocolate--what a cow. I'm glad you were there to give her the stink eye! :^)

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  20. TS, those parents with the flock at Wal-mart, plus the parents who wouldn't buy their kid chocolate, should be -er- taken care of. xo

    Marnie, I really should've made the call. ;0)

    Ames, I was in the shoe aisle, but she was closer to women's clothes, but I didn't see her. Everyone heard her. xo

    Miley, LOL. They'd never let us shop Walmart again. In fact, let's do it! [-:

    Gayle, I agree. Some parents think they've got it all down, at their kids' expense. xo

    AFare, indeed. Thanks. ;->

    Cheeseboy, I'm so glad to make you laugh. xo

    Sarah, yeah, she said it in a matter-of-fact way. It was pretty funny. xo

    Margaret, yes. That's exactly what they are. I call them tank tops. Is that the same thing? I guess "tank" doesn't have flattering connotations either. I was trying to look inconscipcuous and didn't give her the stink eye. Not for long enough anyway.{-;

    Heff, no. It's Ashely Tisdale and some dude (her latest beau - Jared? Scott?) Not sure. xo

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  21. These are too funny. The things you hear at Wal-mart are especially hil-air :)

    Thanks for the laugh. Hope you're doing well, sweet Robyn.

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  22. I've got to say that I love that last one..!:P Those stories are great--especially with the editorial twist. People-watching can be very very interesting, can it? ;)

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  23. Too funny! I went shopping last weekend and the thing that amazed me was just how many men were being dragged through women's clothes shops by their partners! If I were going shopping I would take a female with me!

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  24. I'm really laughing at the mom's unfunny comparisons and your commentary. I love how you described her. I felt like I was right there wanting to call CPS with you!

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  25. Ha ha ha!! Chocolate and planes!! LOVE IT!! You are my hero! Or is that heroin? Heroine? I always get those cornfuzzled.

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  26. Chocolate will solve all the world's problems, that and pimp jackets.

    sorry I haven't been around in awhile.

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  27. too funny - but surely no shortage of wife beaters in Wal-Mart!

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  28. loved all three....but the mom and whining boy happens all the time....the first one was hilarious, attention seeker....I and my friends have been guilty of making expert comments like that... ;)

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  29. Another piece of Gold Robyn!
    I love 1 and 3... kids can nag and no-one wants to encourage a spoilt brat..but the mum did sound like a twat...

    If i dont get back before chrissie, hope you have a great one my dear!!

    xoxo

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  30. Glad to make you laugh, sweet Ally. xo

    Sarah, yes. Humans are interesting, especially this time of year. ;0)

    Ca88, I agree. Even weirder, some of those men seem truly invested in the shopping experience. xo

    Kelley, thanks. It would've been great to have a back-up CPS caller, in case they thought I was exaggerating.[o:

    Marlene, I'll be your hero or heroine, but I have to draw the line at heroine. xo

    PTM, I agree with the first part of that statement. =-}

    David, right. The density (pun intended) of wife beaters at Wal-mart per square foot is atypically high (pun intended). xo

    Rek, thank you. Yeah, I just wanted to adopt that whiney boy because of his meager request and his mother's annoying personality. <-;

    Anthony, thanks. Enjoy the holidays with your sweet little family. xoxo

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