And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #45-50


Lifted directly from current on-line dating ads, I now present you with reasons #45-50 for my choice to maintain a celibate existence.

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REASON #45: I am very laid back. I speek my mind. I have tattoos.I just like to have a good time. I like to go to the movies rock concerts. You mean, like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too? I like to stay home, go out to diner,I like the little things in lif Is lif the medication you’re taking?  I suggest an increased dosage. It could help you focus enough to find spellcheck. Wish I could assist further, but I don't do movies rock concerts.

REASON #46: Well first off I like big butts. I cannot lie. How noble. The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens. Huh? Oh, I think I get it. You’re a butthead. If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, dear. I like smoky old poolrooms and clear mountain mornin's. Are you quoting a beer commercial? Little warm puppies and children and girls of the night... Wait I dont really like girls of the night but the rest of them friggen rock. I like girls and I like the night but girls of the night.. Ummm... anyway. I am open about everything, so if you want to know anything shoot me a line and lets bs for a while.

REASON #47: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #48: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. Let's talk about it. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. This isn’t even craigslist. Try Zeppelin’s daughter. Her name is Scarlet, so she’s probably into threesomes.  You could get extra lucky; she might like real literature.

REASON #49: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this. Sense of humor - (I laugh at all of my jokes}! (Great way to take one for the team, buddy). Interested in you. But we haven’t even met. Plus, you’re weird. I don't expect you to be barbie or perfect, but I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time ! I have a profoundly spiritual nature. I am looking to move forward in life. Sweep me off my feet, Grow with me and be the yang to my yin and help me balance out the incredible male energy, passion and charisma I posses! I am worth your time! namaste. Look Dalai, don’t kum-ba-ya when I’m around. Thanks. namaste.

REASON #50: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Let me get this straight, you want to make a a friend who’ll commit to you for the rest of “are life”? Is that so? See, that’s kind of an oxymoron, and so are you. 

29 comments:

  1. shit dude... I thought #50 had something going until the whole, well... first sentence ended.
    All I can say is... I really hope you've got toys. This is ridiculous.
    Also, I'm SO glad I'm not looking. I gave up.

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  2. Trying for a threesome, that's a new low on the list. I can't believe the one guy was quoting Baby Got Back in a personal. That guy has issues.

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  3. Ok - how exactly does one practice kissing when alone? At the same or different time as laughing at his own jokes?

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  4. I have to admit I don't know what happens when #46 gets a round thing in his face. Any chance of asking him? You can say it's for your readers.

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  5. I would love for you to ask the guy about how he practices kissing....very strange:)

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  6. #47...Scary, but you know what, there WILL be someone out there who actually responds to this guy's post.

    #49...I laughed at that one. So funny. He practices his kisses...I got a strange visual on that one :0D

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  8. #46 is too hilarious to comment on...are there guys like him??
    #47 has time travelled from the stone age..
    #48 still a hippie who believes in "free love" in this case"three Love"
    #49 have a ?...does he kiss himself, male friends or dolls maybe...stay away....
    #50 confused between a friend/wife...needs to sort his priorities...
    your celibacy posts bring a smile on my face
    Thank god, I was never allowed to date...typical Indian arranged marriage u see... ;)

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  9. please help me to stop laughing..

    oh please....

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  10. Maybe he's looking for a friend who's committed for life "in an institution" and he just forgot to mention that part.

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  11. Reason #46 really struggles and needs a life. These men...they make for good entertainment. :)

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  12. Miley, I'm with ya, sister. xo

    TS, I didn't realize he was quotin a rapper, until you said that. After some research, I think he has more issues than I realized. ;0)

    David, I don't know and I don't want to. xo

    OT, yes, oy, and oy gevalt (as we Jewish gals say). [-:

    GB, I'd do it, but I don't think I'm round or itty bitty enough. Sorry. xo

    Gayle, I wonder if he has a blow up doll. =o]

    Alex, thus, my celibacy. Phew. xo

    Marnie, I'm sure you're right. #47 will get responses, and the threesome guy will too. I hear there are scary women out there too. {-:

    Rek, arranged marriage has some merit. I like you're "free love," "three love" comment. xo

    SirT, no way, no how. ;0)

    Sarah, that's true. He probably figured that goes without saying. Silly me. xo

    BabySis, lol. Yes, #46 is clearly a lifeless struggler. Thank goodness I have the wrong physique to become his life. <o;

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  13. I's GOTSTA have de sex !!

    Look me up online under "pervert", lol !!!

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  14. Ummmm Robyn? Are there any normal profiles??? Anywhere? That guy who wants the threesome...wow...that's all I've got.

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  15. oh robyn.
    you make me laugh :)
    xo

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  16. Laughing my arse off at the final comment! Oxymoron, and so are you! ROFL!!! You never cease to amuse me, dear friend!

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  17. Those made me laugh so hard...where do you find that stuff?

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  18. What is it with Zeppelin and wanting a threesome? It puts a very clear picture in my head what that dude looks like.

    Too funny and ALL of them.

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  19. Well that one bit is from some hip hop song -- I forget who does it but it is, indeed, "I Like Big Butts". :-)

    The rest? Hmm. I demand a certain amount of literacy in my men.

    Well done, Robyn!

    Pearl

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  20. I am laughing so hard right now. oh boy

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  21. Heff, are you #48 or #49? xo

    Together, thanks. =o>

    Noelle, excellent question. A few appear to have minimal red flags. Alas, those men are geographically undesirable and/or way too tall for me and/or seeking a gal 10+ years younger. xo

    Margg, glad to make you laugh. We need to remember to do so. (-:

    Marlene, if I can make you do the RFLMAO thing, it's all good. Thanks. xo

    Chuck, it's terribly easy to find. I spend little time on these posts. Any dating site (e.g., match, plenty of fish,...) is full of it. Truly, they are full of it! =oD

    Cheeseboy, that one really did shock me. I hope you've rid your mind of that image. Yuck. xo

    Pearl, yeah, TS recognized it too. It's some rapper's lyrics, but the butthead butchered them a bit. He doesn't even know how to plagiarize. Geeze. d-=

    Baygirl, I'm glad to spread the laughter to Canada! xo

    Betty, thanks so much. It's nice to get some link-up action these days. :o)

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  22. How utterly sad . . . but very funny! I enjoyed this.

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  23. Each time I think it can't get worse, it does..and that's saying a lot! I can't believe guys actually think that these lines are going to work (and the worst part is sometimes, I'm pretty sure that they do ;)

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  24. ah youve done it again.. lolz!@ It's a scary world out there! And i get the terrifying feeling you dont have to search too hard to find these guys...
    We need to track them down and remove them from the gene pool before they breed...what a horrific thought! THEY COULD BREED!!!!

    ahhaaa

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  25. Everybody has a red flag...some just conceal them a little better than others. Some are painfully obvious by what they say in your profile... This series would make a good SNL weekly skit...
    You are a funny one!

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