Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What Would Jesus Do On Christmas? (A Repost)

Over 2000 years since Jesus Christ’s birth, I believe it's time for you Gentiles to get this big shindig of a birthday celebration right. You know I’m not one to mix words, and I'm sure this may be hard to absorb, but Jesus - being Jewish - would not enjoy a ham dinner. So, why do you go all out to ham it up for the big day - honey baked, mixed in with turkey, accompanied by Stove Top stuffing, etc.? I'm afraid you have it wrong, people. Ham ain't kosher.

With all due respect, and explosive irritation, let me gently suggest that Christ might instead prefer Mary’s home cooked brisket.[1] There would be no dairy products with dinner either, since good Jews do not have milk and meat during the same meal. That also means bypassing eggnog, even the generously spiked version. Jesus might rather enjoy a Manischevitz[2] spritzer (concord grape Manischevitz wine mixed with 7-up – Oy, such a treat!).

Furthermore, with deep concern for the environment, Christ would surely be appalled at the killing of countless pine trees, and the grotesque waste of electricity, both of which typify this season. He would instead relish in a birthday party more akin to, say, a bris[3]: a quick and painful ceremony followed by lots of food, 20-30 minutes of the hora[4], and the tireless receiving of kisses from the relatives - then slipping into the next room to eradicate their slobber from one's face, hoping they wrote a nice enough check to justify the "yuck" factor.

At time for caroling, Mary would lovingly tell Jesus to bundle up with lots of layers, because “Jesus honey, you’re going to catch pneumonia. It’s a bit nippy outside.” And in the midst of the singing, Jesus would exclaim, “Ma Zeh? [5] A turtle dove? French hens?”

Finally, exasperated and utterly perplexed, Christ would dart down the street to buddy Shmuel’s house. There, the gang would delight in raucous dreidel[6] games, delicious homemade potato latkes[7] doused in sour cream and apple sauce, and coin after coin of chocolate gelt.[8] “Aah,” Jesus would then sigh with contentment, “This is all very good.”

Note that all Jews will dust off the menorahs again for a mock Hanukah celebration on December 25th, after dinner at a Chinese buffet.

But when Christ had not yet returned home hours later, Mother Mary would shout, "Oh God, I've lost our son!"

HAPPY HOLIDAYS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. ENJOY THE YUMMY FOODS OF THE SEASON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[1] Brisket=Juicy, hearty, tender side of beef or veal that is best prepared as a pot roast by a loving Jewish mother.

[2] Manischevitz=The maker of all products kosher, kosher for Passover, or items that could pass as such.

[3] Bris=Circumcision. Details not provided herein.

[4] Hora=Kicking, screaming, clapping, running in circles (i.e., the standard Jewish dance you’ve seen in the movies).

[5] Ma Zeh=Hebrew for “What’s this?”

[6] Dreidel=Spinning top game played on Hanukah.

[7] Latkes=Potato pancakes; yummy good Hanukah food, best enjoyed with a sour cream-apple sauce combo.

[8] Gelt=Money, coins, that are made of chocolate and thus have higher value than the real thing nowadays.

30 comments:

  1. You dont need to tell me about brisket, I know all about it.

    And I have had Latkes before, and they were delicious.

    As for what Jesus would say, I think he would say quit wasting all your damn money on my birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This NEEDS to be published in a magazine somewhere or at the very least become one of those annoying emails everyone sends to each other. It's that worthy.

    I completely agree. I also think Jesus would not like Mistletoe. He'd probably prefer an olive branch.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Plus, fake trees are easier to take care of than the real ones!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Always amusing to catch up with your blog, Robyn - having failed to even give Christmas dinner any thought, there's something appealing about a big old chinese buffet in somewhere devoid of character.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel sorry for Mary, because Jesus told everyone he was a daddy's boy. That's not what a Jewish mother expects, right?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I imagine HE'D BE BORN, right ?

    ReplyDelete
  7. So glad you reposted this, because I missed it the first time around! Very funny! (and thanks for not going into detail about a bris. Much appreciated.) Have a good one! - G

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brisket is best prepared in the Texas manner, smoked, over a slow fire.
    That said, prime rib is the standard meat at our place on Christmas, though a leg of lamb has been substituted.

    ReplyDelete
  9. OT, has anyone appointed you an "honorary Jew?" Can I be the first? xo

    Cheeseboy, thank you. Agreed. Jesus would prefer celibacy to the mistletoe thing. Right? ;0)

    BabySis, I would DEFINITELY do the fake tree thing if I celebrated Christmas. They look just as pretty and are so much easier. xo

    David, yes, Chinese buffet is a very appealing option. Thank you. [-:

    GB, no, no..You're right. A Jewish mother wants to keep her boy as close as possible. He might otherwise catch pneumonia. xo

    Heff, yes, once. Then re-born on Easter, right? He did some growing up between the two. =o}

    Georgina, you're funny and you're welcome. Thanks. xo

    IT, brisket over a slow fire sounds delicious. So does prime rib or lamb. Feel free to forward your address. <o;

    ReplyDelete
  10. Robyn, I can be an "honorary Jew". Does this mean hot Jewish women will like me?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Brisket sounds A-MA-ZING! I'd love to have some right NOW!! And contrary to the ham tradition (is it an American tradition?), here in Quebec we eat meat pies, meat stew, sausages--about anything that has a lot of meat, now that I think about it ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Everyone seems to forget that Jesus was Jewish! The Latkes sound amazingly delicious... what is it with holidays and food? Doesn't matter what religion they all celebrate with food... Happy Holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oilfield, we already do. Wink. Mazal Tov! xo

    Sarah, Canadian Christmas sounds delicious (except for vegetarians). ;0)

    Ca88, I agree. We forget that we come from the same place; Jesus was a Jew. We all want peace on earth and all the good stuff.
    I'm looking forward to Christmas din (with friends): prime rib, yorkshire pudding, fudge...mmm. I just never understood the ham thing. xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. You just have to embrace the ham. I can't explain it, it is just damn good.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Actually we're bar-be-que'ing this year in Texas so it IS brisket for dinner. But with beans, potato salad, and beers.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I think Jesus would be more amazed with electricity itself. I don't know he would realize that we were wasting it.

    Me and Jesus would not get along around the holidays. A spiral ham dripping in golden honey juice is the best thing since sliced ham.

    Happy Holidays!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is both TRUE and FUNNY. I think that's why it's funny, because it's true. Ham and Jesus do not mix...dagnabit.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I knew them all but driedel... does that mean I'm half Jewish???
    I'll be having my juice (no, Robyn, not alcohol) but I'm still on the Gerson therapy. Holidays or no.... I'm seeing this to the bitter end. It's doing amazing things.... even the brown liver spots on the back of my hands have disappeared!!! .
    Just popp'n in to say hi and send you love.
    Manzanita

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stopping by to wish you a very Merry Christmas!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Funny stuff, Robyn. However, may I go all pedantic for a moment?

    The reason Christians see no problem with eating ham on Christmas or Easter (or violating almost any of the dietary laws) is because of what transpired in chapter 10 of The Book Of Acts, from the New Testament. The apostle Peter had a vision. Wikipedia, in their article on the book, sums it up neatly:

    Saint Peter "became hungry ... fell into a trance" and saw "an object like a great sheet" from Heaven that contained "all kinds of four-footed animals ... crawling creatures ... and birds ... A voice came to him, "Get up, Peter, kill and eat!"" Peter replied that he'd never eaten anything impure, presumably nothing not kosher, as he was a Jewish Christian. The voice said "What God has cleansed, no longer consider unholy." This repeated three times and then the sheet was gone.

    And then Peter didn't trouble himself with much of the dietary restrictions after that, since he had presumably received word from God that it was all good.

    So, since a devout Jew, and follower of Christ, such as Peter, found no reason to continue observing dietary law, neither do we. Carried further, we have to assume Jesus wouldn't mind a pork chop now and again, either :-)

    OK, resume what you were doing. Boring old self-righteous fart out!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Happy Holidays!
    And hey Robyn I just wanted to thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my blog.
    Much-ly appreciate it


    Yummy dictionary up there.

    Love and hugs!
    B xx

    ReplyDelete
  22. You are so darn funny!
    I hope you and family have are enjoying the season!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I don't want to tell you that I'm not only having ham, but there will be cream cheese in my mashed potatos. Sorry :( and Merry Christmas. (love Concord Grape)

    ReplyDelete
  24. OT, truth be told, I could probably be forced to embrace honey baked ham. It's quite manly, and I have a sweet tooth. xo

    Lisa, thank you. Good to see you here. xo

    AFare, mmm, I believe I have clear indication that Texas is the place to be during the holidays. :0)

    Marnie, thanks. Are you having a ham dinner too? Is it also the thing to eat in Canada? xo

    Manz, good for you. I'll look into Gershon therapy. I've never heard of it. Happy holidays, dear friend. ;0)

    Together, Merry Christmas! Thanks for dropping by. xo

    Suldog, I genuinely appreciate your comment. It's interesting, and I am actually more aligned with that verse of the New Testament than all the dietary laws in the Old. Shhh. Bad Jewish girl here. Well, I'm a good Jew, but the dietary laws are crazy making (if taken literally). I don't follow them. I do generally avoid pork and don't like it, so that works for me. [0:

    PTM, I bet you'd eat if off of the rotating metal thing too. I'd like to see that. xo

    Betty, thank you. Love, hugs, and a Merry Christmas to you. =->

    Pat, thank you. I hope you and yours are enjoying as well. Hugs. xo

    Sarah, no worries. See above comment to Suldog. I hope you add chives to the mashed potatos too. Oh, garlic might also be a good touch. {-:

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh the honey baked ham is pure deliciousness covered in sweet awesome sauce. Ham is my weakness in case you couldn't tell.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Okay, okay, I could do the honey baked ham thing - provided I got a big slice that included the sweet skin. Damn, you have me salivating now, OT! xo ;0)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hey the crispy skin part is the best.

    ReplyDelete
  28. So nice to see a Jewish post at last! Now I'm ready to meet hubby at JCC for a brisket sandwich!

    ReplyDelete