And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, December 27, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #51-55, aka The Corpse Pose


Everyone deserves a little loving during the holidays, right? Not really. Taken directly from current internet dating ads, here are reasons #51-55 for my choice to maintain a celibate existence into 2011.
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REASON #51: how do you know Santa is a man?
he shows up late, he eats your cookie, he empty's his sack, he comes only once, he calls you a Ho & leaves wile your asleep

I STRIVE TO BE TRUE, HONES AND PASSIONATE.

I’ve got one for ya, babe. It goes like this: How do I know you won’t be scoring the booty of a good woman this holiday season or in the upcoming century? You need to hones your pick-up lines; learn to spell, read, and write; and curb the offensive jokes. That’ll take time.

secrets about men women need to know.We don't care if you talk to other guys. We don't care if you're friends with other guys. But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. Oops. I guess you didn’t like it when I tossed my bra and panties onto your head. Sorry. I'll introduce you first next time.

We don't care if a guy calls OR TEXTS you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning. Let me explain something to you, sweetie, sometimes that window is very, very small. Add to that the time involved in texting (not a pretty picture, but we don’t need to go there), the urgency is through-the-roof.

REASON #52: My . . . . . . . . . . . .secret . . . . . . . . . . . .is . . . . . . . . . . . .that . . . . . . . . . . . .I have a BA in Psychology, not a MA. I do not practice Psychology. I'm pairing it with a BS in Human Resource Management, which I now have. [ Whispering ] I’ll….keep the secret about….your doubling up on the BS, but you really should inform your patients and your psychiatrist…[Tiptoeing away from you]…Shhh…

REASON #53: Looking fort love You must be into fortification. Try craigslist.

REASON #54: I'm traveling abroad for 3 days. I need for someone to make sure my cat gets watered at least once ok maybe twice. I once was kicked out of a General Store for looking for something inspecfic. I do not care for burnt biscuits. I think you're attempting humor, but, to be safe, I'll take my hot buns elsewhere.

REASON #55: Spirituality; I do currently go to a real nice church, I do not believe that this is the only way to achieve " Heaven," or is a "Heaven" an after life type of situation but more of a here and now. I did study yoga for 12 years with Rodney Y and Diane V then for the last 3 years I wanted to do more of the survanassa (corpse) pose with my mind shut down so I went to Intuitive Way. Is that across town from Insight? At any rate, you’re not for me. Frankly, I’m tired of my men doing the corpse pose. Celibacy is much less frustrating. Namaste.

32 comments:

  1. Ah he just wanted to build a fort with you. You could have some fun building a fort in the living room. lol

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  2. Ah, ha ha, Santa that selfish bastard!
    Robyn happy Monday!
    Thanks for the laughs!
    love
    gi gi

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  3. Fort? He's just doing booty texting at 2am. haha

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  4. ps,
    I hope you don't mind I used your Rudolph's special problem on my blog?

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  5. Oh how I love this feature. I love how all the people I follow have their signature posts that they do better than anyone else. These are yours. I imagine your responses come to your head instantly like my cat captions come instantly to mine.

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  6. Anything at 2am besides sleepy sex is just annoying. If a guy is gonna tackle someone when they walk into a room, I'd rather it be me...and a hug will do.

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  7. Oh Robyn! You are hilarious! My gender is so screwed up, you'll have material for these things for EVER!

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  8. LOL! These guys are soooo pathetic! If I offered my services as profile/letter writer to these mouth-breathers, would that be a good thing or a bad thing? At least then you would have the illusion of an intelligent man instead of this never-ending parade of asshats.

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  9. I find that BS one sad and confusing. Another great batch of winners.

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  10. OT, so he was just suggesting childish play? Now, I like that. Silly me for being so cynical! xo

    Gigi, I hope you got my second email on your blog. Thanks so much. Love ya! ;0)

    CB, Okay, I get the booty texting thing. But what about the corpse pose? Perhaps that one's done at 2am in a fort. xo

    Kal, thank you! I admit, these ads have me dumbfounded. I sit and think, "I can't post this. I have no response." After a minute or two, my responses flow freely. It's frighteningly effortless for me to be a smart ass in response to stupid men. ;0)

    CalGirl, I agree. Even the sleepy sex can be annoying too at times, from my vague recollections. xo

    Pat, thanks. I think you're right. I'm aiming to get to 100 of these, and that will be no problem. (0:

    Tgo, lol at "parade of asshats." I think your offer would be good for them, bad for you. They don't seem to get that they need writing assistance (not to mention psychiatric intervention). I think they're proud of their ads, and they'd be offended by your kind offer. Keep us posted, though. If nothing else, you could earn an "asshat assistant" title for your resume.xo

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  11. Never trust a man you wants you to urinate on his cat. The inspecific thing he was looking for in the General Store was probably inside his flies.

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  12. Too funny as always Robyn - I love "I once was kicked out of a General Store for looking for something inspecfic. I do not care for burnt biscuits."

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  13. These are all great reasons. I get it. Personally, I think a man who does anything other than fetch me a cookie at 2:00 is not my type.

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  14. These are hysterical. I do wonder though what sort of people reply to these adds. Wouldn't you love to know? I would :0)

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  15. These are so bad, but oh, so good.

    Reason #51 cracked me right up!

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  16. as for 51, I think he is trying to say I have horns...
    # 52 would be a great hit at day care..he can build bridges too to his heart's content
    #55 its shav asana...mr yogi do you ever hear a Indian (girl) boast about her cat pose(manjar asana) skills...? Start a yoga talk with her and be assured she would have done a Houdini before you so much as blinked....

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  17. Love your comment for each of them! #52 sounds like he's full of BS all right...

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  18. TS, I agree. That one is utterly perplexing. I hope he gets the higher level psychological intervention that he's missing. (-=

    GB, interesting insight, silly ape. Thank you. xo

    David, I think mabye he's trying to be funny. Do you agree? ;0)

    Alex, I'd have to say that was my personal favorite. Fortification can best be found on craigslist. Don't you think? xo

    BB, yes, but it best be a warm chocolatey one. Otherwise, I want my sleep. [o:

    Marnie, I often think, "No woman will ever reply to this." I bet these guys do get responses, though. I'd love to see them. xo

    Jason, yeah, #51 was really something. I tell you, his ad went on and on. I chopped a lot out. It was all very entertaining, but I wanted to give the others their fair shot in this spotlight. I'm gracious that way. Thanks. ;-}

    Rek, I always love your comments. Your response to #55 is perfect. I'm tempted to send it to him. "Houdini before you so much as blinked..." <--You're funny! xo

    Sarah, thanks. That psych guy is pretty mental. <-:

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  19. Fort love? Where's that? I've never heard of it. The first guy? He's an idiot beyond all idiots.

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  20. Oh my... I have to say, lots of good reasons to be alone!!

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  21. this is my fav series of yours! I laugh so hard every time I read them

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  22. The humour of the Santa ad in particular is timeless. Many thanks for sharing. You may appreciate a series of reflections by Ajahn Brahm on "change" during which he refers to a humourous talk on the benefits of celibacy. He is the witty monk director of the Tibetan Buddhist Society of Western Australia:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgeXSJr9a4E
    Happy moments wherever you are and however you choose to spend them. How you choose to feel or perceive at a given moment is a means to transform your life.

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  23. Hello! I was here, asking for friendship. ;) Would you like to follow each others blogs? Advance Happy New Year. :D

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  24. Followed you back. And thank you also for visiting back. ;)

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  25. #107--Reason that I LOVE you and your Spirit!

    We sholud celibacy the Holidays. All of those reasons are so valid!

    And reason #51-- Santa also can't come this year because he shot his Rudolph.....Oh I'm going to hell!

    Love ya!

    Beautiful post and my wife is ax- ing me why I'm laughing so hard that I woke her up!!!

    J

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  26. one's position on burnt biscuits is important to know. number please?

    kidding. hilarious!

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  27. Babysis, I don't know where to find fort love and prefer not to know. :)

    TWS, yes. Thanks. xo

    Gayle, glad you enjoy these. [-:

    Baygirl, thanks. I guess I'll have to keep going with these. Good thing there's no shortage of fodder. xo

    Liara, thanks so much for the relevant comments and link. I will have to check it out. Blessings to you. ;0)

    Kristina, nice to make a new friend across the world. Thank you. xo

    John, my apologies to your wife, but that's the ultimate compliment to me - er, ultimate insult to these idiots. I love you too! {-;

    Pattypunker, too funny. I'll forward his contact info. Thanks for the visit and laughs. xo

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  28. Robyn, I really still can't get it in my head that guys actually think that these lines or "humor" (yeah right) works on real women..! I'm speechless, yet again :P

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  29. hahah - Gold again... do these guys ever get a reply? for every moron, there must be an equal and willing moron right? id be curious to know what sort of women date them..now theres a conversation worth recording.. how about going undercover Robyn? lolz

    ;)

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