Tuesday, December 7, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reason #44, The Boozer

   

We were panting and sweating during the initial encounter. Actually, he made it look effortless. I, on the other hand, was hard at work. I couldn't keep going for more than 20 or 30 minutes. Those elliptical machines are tough! In parallel fashion with a hottie, though, I was on fire.

"I'm Robyn, by the way," I said between breaths.

"I'm Basil."

Basil? I pondered. Who's named Basil? His parents must've liked natural herbs. But he was cute, in an intellectual Clark Kent kind of way. It could be worse. I could be lusting after a Paprika. I pressed on for 40 charged minutes this time.

By the third workout, Basil asked me out. I immediately agreed, attempting to hide my excitement beneath my panting, heavy breathing, and constant flow of perspiration. Basil would be my first, my first date since marital breakdown. He would leave an impression for other reasons, though.

"Meet me at Cali's Pub 'N Grub. I've started a tab." He texted. I was on my way, and my panting ceased upon reading the message. I'm no drinker. Still, the guy was cute, and a good 10 years younger. Thoughts of cougardom propelled me to the Pub 'N Grub in a flash.

We enjoyed a nice meal, during which I watched him polish off three beers. Focused, instead, on his biceps, I took a few sips of my rum and coke. Good thing the theatre was just across the street, since I'm a lightweight. [Perhaps I should not admit that, but I trust you won't go public with this information. Wink.]

Basil started at the snack line. "Really?? You don't drink coffee??" He pierced me with a look of horror. I never shocked a date like that before. There must be something to the booze-coffee combo that I'm not hip to. Things stabilized when he added Junior Mints and Whoppers to the mix. He did share those during the movie. Or did I help myself? I don't remember. The point is, I got some chocolate. The night wasn't a total loss.

The movie was great too. Sean Penn was phenomenal as Harvey Milk. It's a must-see. Basil, not so much. The dude didn't make a move during the movie, except to grab his coffee and motion for the few pieces of chocolate that I hadn't devoured.   

We strolled afterward, as he expelled stories of intoxication (his). There were parties, and a time when he got lost because he had too much to drink, and so on.

Naturally, we needed to stop for frozen yogurt. At the counter, he mentioned something about alcohol. A woman of couthe and refinement, I blurted out, "Are you an alcoholic?"

"No," he immediately defended. "I drink the average, 3-5 drinks per week. Or is that per day?...Just with dinner, and, wait, there's lunchtime drinks too.." He stalled while silently calculating, then abruptly excused himself to add rainbow sprinkles to his yogurt.

Basil proceeded to end the date as expeditiously as possible. He practically sprinted upon seeing me off. In fact, he didn't exactly see me to my car. It was perhaps within bird's eye view, had he used a supersonic telescope. He stood a football field away to declare, "Well, I'll see ya when I see ya."

Three days later, Basil was on the elliptical machine when I entered the gym. This time, I chose the treadmill across the way, with my backside facing him. In my black tights and cropped T-shirt, I gave the guy a view of what he was missing - were he sober enough to see it.

I never saw him again. I'm guessing he's working up a tab right now. After all, it's 5pm or 8am or 12 noon somewhere.

27 comments:

  1. Wow!! I hate coffee too. That proves we are still young at heart. Hey how come you didn't include your workout photo to help tell the story? :)

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  2. You did the right thing. Anyone that drinks like a fish is bound to be an alcoholic. His loss too!~Ames

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  3. ho ho. I have never trusted anyone with a herb name since dating a knife wielding schizo called Rosemary.

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  4. I wonder what made him think you'd be a good drinking buddy. If someone forced me to guess, I would say it was your bosom. So it's a good thing no one is forcing me.

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  5. I'd cross "drinking spices" off your list. Forever.

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  6. Robyn, that was pretty damn funny...and entertaining. Glad you at least got some chocolate and a movie...he paid right?

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  7. I love me some coffee. I love me some alcohol. It's a shame I can't afford both. So I drink the free coffee at work.

    Although I love this story. Made me smile. Maybe I should post some of my dating stories.

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  8. Too funny!
    I like coffee
    I like drinking
    I like chocolate
    I hate elliptical machines of any type...

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  9. Copyboy, it would've been fun to hand him a camera and ask him to take a photo, but I didn't think of that. xo

    Ames, thank you! ;0)

    David, lol. Yes, avoid women with herbal names (Rosemary, Ginger..) xo

    GB, quit making me laugh with all your references to my bosom! Just because I can balance a keg or two on this rack, that doesn't make me a drinker. ;0> xo

    Alex, good suggestion. Those two words should never be paired on any list. xo

    Chuck, yes. Good point. He paid for all of it. Dinner was good too. I had salmon, along with a few sips of rum & coke. [-:

    OT, please do post some dating stories. I want (no, I NEED) to know that men suffer out there too. xo

    Pat, I agree with all of that. In fact, I haven't used that machine since those parallel panting days. I'm onto the treadmill. It's nicer. =-)

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  10. ICK COFFEE!!!!!!

    Sounds like you're better off without this dude. You wouldn't want to be picking him up off the bathroom floor every weekend, anyway....you might put your back out.

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  11. Ugh...they're clueless. I have absolutely no desire to date. none...zipo..ziltch...for that exact reason.

    Give me chocolate, coffee and the occassional bottle of wine to enjoy on my own. I can pick up a good book or grab a movie if I want to share any of those things with a dumbass man. The beauty? I can easily shut the book or pull the plug on the tv when they annoy me. *grin*

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  12. Coffee is gross, go you. :)

    That guy, he sounds slightly ridiculous. I'm glad he didn't latch on to you!!

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  13. Very funny! I keep meaning to see that movie but never quite getting there.

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  14. Ah. Have had a couple of alcoholics in my life -- you dodged a bullet!

    Pearl

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  15. I like coffee...and I like the odd glass of wine, however this guy seems like a lush. With a name like Basil...perhaps his parents shared a lot of herbs together...wink wink.

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  16. giggle...the priorities were all taken care of....chocolate....and yogurt....


    hugs.....can I have a junior mint now?

    Wannabe cougars unite!!!

    We should have a power ring or something to make it official!!

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  17. Ahh Robyn you made me laugh out loud!!:D
    I loved this story! :)Priceless!!
    You did the right thing.
    I hate it when I see people to get drunk; horrible.

    HUGS
    B xx

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  18. Now, if anything, that drunky drunk has spoiled you for the rest of the spice rack. I wanted to be Oregano for the first time we met in person. Good for you to show him what he was missing out on. Your love failures,while making me laugh, make me wish on those falling stars that you find someone to appreciate all that spinning that you do.

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  19. Paprika, girl your so funny!
    Sorry he was such a boozer lozer!
    Glad you got some junior mints, my fave!
    ps, I loved everyone's comments!
    Your blog has got it going on, ah ha ha!
    xo
    gi gi

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  20. I love your stories ..........so funny! I am so glad I'm not dating!

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  21. Marlene, yes: ick coffee. Ick boozers. xo

    Daffy, that's a beautiful strategy. Thanks, girlfriend. ;0)

    Babysis, well, I do drink the chocolatey so-called coffee at Starbucks. That doesn't count, though, right? xo

    Ca88, it's a great one. [o:

    Pearl, yep. Phew! xo

    Marnie,that's probably what happened.LOL. =-}

    TIS, I suggest we go through lots of Cracker Jacks until we kind matching power rings! xo

    Betty, thanks. I agree, it's a disgusting habit. ;o>

    Kal, I love you more with every additional comment. You can still be my Oregano.Wink. xo

    Gigi, I agree: He's a boozer lozer, Junior mints are the best, and I've got the funnest followers in the blog world. I love all of you! [-:

    Gayle, I'm glad for you too. Thanks. xo

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  22. My heartfelt sympathies...where do you find these cartoons?...caffeine and alcohol, he sure is on the fast track stairway to heaven/hell/no man's land....

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  23. I'm with pat on this one!

    I like coffee, drinking and chocolate but
    I hate ellipticals (no matter how many hotties are in the room)

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  24. hhaahaha - i thought you had scored during the first few sentences.. lol.. gold...!

    the name alone should have made you run,.,.lol

    and yeah, i like Harvey Milk too. the man and the movie...

    ..drinkers only seek out other drinkers to go out with.. so you never had a chance my dear..and thats a good thing!

    ;)

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  25. Maybe "Basil" comes from the French name "Basile"..although Basile really isn't popular at all in French either ;)

    It's a good thing you flushed him--celibacy is still way better. I'm agreeing with this statement a lot more since an idiot in the city bus grabbed my butt two days ago (I let my hate flow on my post today and now I'm feeling much better)! Some guys, really...

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  26. Ya know, if you think about this, it's actually quite sad. You, my dear, are the smart one. No fried brain cells or pickled liver.

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  27. Smart girl! And you were able to look on the bring side and have your chocolate, too!

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