Welcome to our studio, PTM! (RawknRobyn cranks applause meter up to highest possible volume. PTM and RR go tone deaf but continue the interview in American Sign Language. You get the full version in written English, because we didn’t want you to miss out on any nuances.)
RR: Mr. Powdered Toast, you bravely accepted the mission of hunting down and then consuming Pretzel M&M’s. Do tell us about this project.
PTM: I actually wanted to try the pretzel M&M's before you asked if I could do a review of them. I saw a funny Pretzel M&M commercial and I knew I had to try them, I am a sucker for new food products. If it says NEW on the box/bag I am buying it. I searched a few gas stations but came up empty. On this past Sunday I was being chased by pirates on the way to my friend's bbq shindig when I covertly lost the pirate truck (they drive trucks now when their boats are in the shop) in an A&P Supermarket parking lot. Nicole and I ran inside for safety. When we entered we saw a glowing light coming from one of the registers. More specifically it was radiating from the candy display. There in front of us was the elusive Pretzel M&M's. We quickly snatched two bags and locked them in our treasure chest before anyone saw us. We nonchalantly left the store and devoured the candies in the car.
RR (nodding nonchalantly, looking at her watch): Interesting. What 5 adjectives would you use to describe the Pretzel M&M?
PTM (with enthusiasm and without hesitation): Salty, chocolaty, sweet, ovally and Chuck Norris.
RR: Yes, others have said the same. Now, having eaten a full package, what was the full experience like?
PTM (looking downward, melancholy): Too be honest, not as magical as I had hoped. I love chocolate covered pretzels but these didn't compare to them.There wasn't enough in the package. Since they are bigger than the plain M&M's, I feel like I got gypped. Also there was too much ham in them.
RR (whispering loudly, "Dude, you weren’t supposed to get the non-kosher ones!"): Tell us, what color did you like the best?
PTM: They come in different colors?
RR: Anyway, would you repeat the experience?
PTM (appearing seriously contemplative): Yes I would. I did enjoy them. I'm not one to turn down chocolate or candy. Except for circus peanuts, those things taste like a clown's dignity.
RR: Very true. Were there any surprises during the course of the experience for you?
PTM: I was I.D.ed when I purchased them. Apparently there is an age requirement to buy them. Unfortunately the cashier wouldn't divulge the age or any information.
RR: Yes, others have said the same. So what advice do you have for anyone considering sampling the Pretzel M&M?
PTM: Make sure you are not being chased by pirates when you go purchase them. Take a buddy just in case, and don't stare at the cashier's pulsating pimple.
RR: Sound advice. You heard it here first, folks! As we wrap up, please explain the origin of your name, Powdered Toast Man.
PTM: I saw an episode of Ren & Stimpy at my grandmother's back in the day when Powdered Toast Man was featured. It has been a fond memory with my family, him farting on their toast. My mom thought it was funny and strange. I have always loved the name. I am thinking of naming my 2nd daughter Powdered Toast Girl.
RR: Yes, others have said the same. Well, thank you so much for educating us on the Pretzel M&M, Powdered Toast Man. Sales of the Pretzel M&M will surely skyrocket thanks to you, the Man of Powdered Toast. Happy birthday, young man! (Applause meter is cranked up again. PTM and RR exchange high-fives, thumbs up, and other finger gestures. Camera zooms in on empty non-kosher Pretzel M&M package and the one pirate in the audience who appears disenchanted as he offers some unique finger gestures of his own.)
Thank you for tuning in to today's special report!