And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

SPECIAL REPORT: The Pretzel M&M

Ladies and Gentlemen, we interrupt Life by Chocolate to educate and inform (for a change). This special report is brought to you by the blogosphere’s hottest celebrity and birthday boy, Powdered Toast Man. Along with recent gigs on the Non-Review, and Guilty of Gossip, the Man of Powdered Toast graciously agreed to an interview on the latest invention in chocolate: the PRETZEL M&M.


Welcome to our studio, PTM! (RawknRobyn cranks applause meter up to highest possible volume. PTM and RR go tone deaf but continue the interview in American Sign Language. You get the full version in written English, because we didn’t want you to miss out on any nuances.)

RR: Mr. Powdered Toast, you bravely accepted the mission of hunting down and then consuming Pretzel M&M’s. Do tell us about this project.

PTM: I actually wanted to try the pretzel M&M's before you asked if I could do a review of them. I saw a funny Pretzel M&M commercial and I knew I had to try them, I am a sucker for new food products. If it says NEW on the box/bag I am buying it. I searched a few gas stations but came up empty. On this past Sunday I was being chased by pirates on the way to my friend's bbq shindig when I covertly lost the pirate truck (they drive trucks now when their boats are in the shop) in an A&P Supermarket parking lot. Nicole and I ran inside for safety. When we entered we saw a glowing light coming from one of the registers. More specifically it was radiating from the candy display. There in front of us was the elusive Pretzel M&M's. We quickly snatched two bags and locked them in our treasure chest before anyone saw us. We nonchalantly left the store and devoured the candies in the car.

RR (nodding nonchalantly, looking at her watch): Interesting. What 5 adjectives would you use to describe the Pretzel M&M?

PTM (with enthusiasm and without hesitation): Salty, chocolaty, sweet, ovally and Chuck Norris.

RR: Yes, others have said the same. Now, having eaten a full package, what was the full experience like?

PTM (looking downward, melancholy): Too be honest, not as magical as I had hoped. I love chocolate covered pretzels but these didn't compare to them.There wasn't enough in the package. Since they are bigger than the plain M&M's, I feel like I got gypped. Also there was too much ham in them.


RR (whispering loudly, "Dude, you weren’t supposed to get the non-kosher ones!"): Tell us, what color did you like the best?

PTM: They come in different colors?


RR: Anyway, would you repeat the experience?

PTM (appearing seriously contemplative): Yes I would. I did enjoy them. I'm not one to turn down chocolate or candy. Except for circus peanuts, those things taste like a clown's dignity.

RR: Very true. Were there any surprises during the course of the experience for you?

PTM: I was I.D.ed when I purchased them. Apparently there is an age requirement to buy them. Unfortunately the cashier wouldn't divulge the age or any information.


RR: Yes, others have said the same. So what advice do you have for anyone considering sampling the Pretzel M&M?

PTM: Make sure you are not being chased by pirates when you go purchase them. Take a buddy just in case, and don't stare at the cashier's pulsating pimple.

RR: Sound advice. You heard it here first, folks! As we wrap up, please explain the origin of your name, Powdered Toast Man.

PTM: I saw an episode of Ren & Stimpy at my grandmother's back in the day when Powdered Toast Man was featured. It has been a fond memory with my family, him farting on their toast. My mom thought it was funny and strange. I have always loved the name. I am thinking of naming my 2nd daughter Powdered Toast Girl.

RR: Yes, others have said the same. Well, thank you so much for educating us on the Pretzel M&M, Powdered Toast Man. Sales of the Pretzel M&M will surely skyrocket thanks to you, the Man of Powdered Toast. Happy birthday, young man! (Applause meter is cranked up again. PTM and RR exchange high-fives, thumbs up, and other finger gestures. Camera zooms in on empty non-kosher Pretzel M&M package and the one pirate in the audience who appears disenchanted as he offers some unique finger gestures of his own.)

Thank you for tuning in to today's special report!

25 comments:

  1. This dude keeps on repeating what other people have said. He needs to go to originality classes...and learn how to fight pirates. In my part of the world we eat our chocolate bare and black.

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  2. This was great! Really enjoyed reading it, thank you. :)

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  3. ROTFLMAO A clown's dignity!!!! xD That shit is hysterical!! Great interview, PTM!

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  4. This is the one of the pirates that followed PTM. We have taken over his computer and are stealing all his chocolate. HAHAHA

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  5. Non Kosher...I'm in. The other day, I went to buy some M & M's and they didn't have any plain ones...just fancy ones. It was kinda depressing. Those were the good old days...when M & M's were just chocolate and candy coating that don't melt in your hand only your mouth...of course, they did melt in your hand and red made you dead...I'm showing my age!

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  6. WHAT!!!! A dig on Circus Peanuts!! Well I NEVER!! Do you know how hard it is to mass produce memory foam into a jumbo "peanut" shape, infuse it with the finest, of the cheapest, of scientifically altered sugar products and adorn it with the color "orange's" answer to "Pepto pink". A clown's dignity could only hope to taste so good!

    But others have said the same thing..

    <3 you both I won't add finger gestures, but can we play Rock, Scissors or Paper?? Such a strategic game..

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  7. ROFL Thank you PTM for braving the pirates to bring us this important information.

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  8. I was going to try some until the name Chuck Norris came up. That just ruined it--he doesn't sound or look tasty at all...:)

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  9. well what candy described as Chuck Norris can ever be bad?

    The pirates in my area seem to be bogarrting all the pretzel M&Ms here, but I did find 'choco-peanut butter pretzels' at the bulk barn... umm if they could stick a gummy bear in there somewhere. ummmm...

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  10. LOL! I really enjoyed reading this! I'm not a "sweetie" sort of person, but I do like pretzels!
    We used to call M&Ms "Smarties" here in England, and until recently, they took out all the blue ones! The orange ones were always my favourites, I used to think that they even tasted of orange!

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  11. Kosher M&Ms?! You two are a hilarious combo.

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  12. Thank you Robyn and PTM for a riveting and hilarious review of pretzel M&Ms. I found it invaluable in my decision to brave the sea of pirate truckers and personally seek them out.

    Looking forward to sampling the crunchy, chocolatey, Chuck Norrisy goodness for myself!

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  13. Chocolate always reigns supreme. I was lead to your blog by the sweet scent of chocolate.

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  14. When I am at the bulk food store I always load up from the chocolate covered pretzel bin. You can slowly suck off the chocolate and then melt the pretzel in your mouth. They take forever to consume one so you can prolong the joy that comes from eating them.

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  15. Do you know I have yet to see any ads for this but was at my aunts and found a bag and began snacking. Ha ha! I still prefer the almond covered M & Ms though!

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  16. very cute with the ppirate. enjoyed reading

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  17. "Don't stare at the cashier's pulsating pimple"????!!!!! ROFL!!!!!

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  18. Fascinating. Powdered Toast knows a thing or two. I've tried them too, but they are nothing compared to Peanut Butter M&Ms which is what God eats.

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  19. Hate the circus peanuts. So glad someone finally is brave enough to talk about. In the meantime i have to hunt those M&M's down. It is a must!

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  20. GB, yeah, I'm coaching him to be a little more idiosyncratic. No pretzel M&M's for you in the jungle? xo

    Jayne, he is the FUNNIEST, and a sweet guy too. He didn't even ask for more money. :-)

    Passion, I agree. PTM is fully of it (humor at its best, that is). xo

    Pirates, what have you done to PTM? I didn't have him sign a waiver. What's the ransom? More importantly, are you cute? Do you look anything like Johnny Depp? [-:

    Ninja, bring back the good ole days. Red M&M's are my favorite. Since I'll probably die anyway, I'd like to die happy. xo

    TIS, I'm sorry if our special guest offended you and the clowns. I thought it might, but I couldn't stop him. He was on a roll. Yes, we can play rock, paper, scissors, but I always win with the scissors. Oh, are we not supposed to use the reat items? :0b

    TAIChocolate, he does have great courage, and I am indebted to him for it. (I owe him lots of chocolate cake.) xo

    Sarah, I agree. Chuck Norris creates unpleasant bodily sensations. {0:

    Baygirl, those pretzels do sound good. Not sure if I'd want to do a gummy bear combo, but it would sure look colorful. xo

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  21. Alice, I always liked the red ones. We have a different candy called smarties here, and they're not nearly as good as m&m's. They don't have chocolate in 'em. :-)

    TS, thanks. Credit to PTM for coming up with the most hilariously absurd answers. It was my best blog interview yet. Don't tell him, but it was my only blog interview. xo

    Tgo and anyone else on the West Coast, find your nearest Walgreens. CVS/Longs doesn't carry them. I didn't see the pirates when I made my purchase. Darn my luck! ;-b

    Manzanita, thanks for coming aboard and being a true chocolate fan! So glad to meet you. Yes, chocolate rules (or should rule) the world! xo

    Cal, I give you credit for being able to lick/suck/let melt. I don't have that kind of will power. ;0>

    Ally, I haven't tried the almond. Perhaps those are next. PTM? Thanks! xo

    Rose, thanks. He is truly the funniest. (-;

    Marlene, that was one of my favorite lines too. ROFL - in parallel fashion here. xo

    Cheeseboy, I thought God had a peanut allergy..? No? :0>

    Copyboy, go to A&P (whatever that is, but that's where PTM got his). Watch out for the pirates, and feel free to send them my way if they look anything like Johnny Depp. xo

    Chocolate Pretzel M&M's and Kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  22. How'd I miss this? Very funny!
    Robyn, I wish you wouldn't have let him off the hook relating to Chuck Norris...

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  23. Pretzel M&M's! How the hell did I miss out on these?

    You two are redonkulously hysterical and what a funny post. Chocolate, pirates, pretzels, powdered toast...

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  24. Thanks Pat and Geof.
    PTM slipped the Chuck Norris thing in so quickly I couldn't stop him.
    Geof, stay tuned for an upcoming post on the Coconut m&m!
    xoRobyn

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