And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Exposed! aka Why I Choose to Spoon Chocolate

I’ve been spooning (i.e., eating with a spoon) lots of chocolate as of late. I know you're not surprised, but I’m doing it even more than usual. My personal recommendations for this devilish activity are nutella and Smucker’s hot fudge topping. As far as spooning goes, chocolate is clearly my best option. I mean, look at a small but rather representative sample of today’s prospective internet daters. Then, tell me you disagree. I dare ya.


BACHELOR #1, Mr. Liar ~A month or so ago, I received an email from a potential BDFH (blind date from hell). His profile boasted a gorgeous photo, one that looks similar to the dude above (Mike from Jersey Shore), though more handsome and less exposed. Now, why would this guy be emailing me from across the country? The man in the photo is not someone who would need to look beyond state lines, much less beyond his own bedroom, for a woman. It didn’t take a genius or a thumb tack to figure out that something was fishy. (It’s a good thing, too, ‘cuz I’m neither of those.) Upon further intensive research via the page scroll function, I noted that he weighs 276 lbs. As you can imagine, I was highly aroused by my suspicions (and by the photo) at that moment. Here’s his message:


Hey Beautiful, my name is Mr. Liar (Note that I gave him a more fitting name ) am 36 years old, i Saw ur profile and it is very nice i will like to know you,am sorry for the inconvenience. I am looking to meet new people. I am an outgoing, intelligent, honest, hard working person,i value honesty and reliability. a good sense of humor is attractive to me. im very social and optimistic. im looking for someone with the same qualities, i also have a bit of a wild side, hope u, who loves to go out and have a good time.I love children and I am God fearing.I like snow and water skiing,You are so cute dear, If you really believe in LOVE, If you want to have a future with a man who naturally knows your heart, then take my heart and let embark on a journey of bliss pleasure,contact me or add me on my IM…XXXXXXXXMr. Liar
Here’s my response:

Hi Mr. Liar, Thank you for your message. You look very handsome, but I'm confused. That picture is not a man who weighs close to 300 lbs. Is that really you? If so, how long ago? Best, Robyn

Here’s his response:


Here’s his response again:


You see, Mr. Liar did not respond. In fact, his bio has been removed. Perhaps this happened by some Higher Intervention, leaving Mr. Liar more God fearing than ever. He does value honesty and reliability, after all.

Therein disappeared the fat liar who naturally knows my heart. Therein explains my increased spooning of chocolate. But wait, there’s more!


BACHELOR #2, Mr. Simpleton~Here’s a little bit from someone else who viewed my profile, with my comments in italics:

I AM A SIMPLE MAN (clearly!) WHO LOVES NATURE AND OUTDOORS ACTIVITYS. (Such as spelling competitions in the wilderness, perhaps?). I AM NOT A LOUD PERSON NOR A BRAGER. (It’s a good thing, because nobody is a true brager, Mr. Simpleton!) I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE TO DRUG USE, OUT OF CONTROLL DRINKING, AND LIERS. (But what do you think about liars and out of control drinkers?) At least you show us who you really are. Mr. Liar could learn a thing or two from you. Good luck to you, and I’ll see you at the international spelling bee championships next year in Jerusalem or somewhere outdoors.

BACHELOR #3, Mr. Family Orianated ~Easy going family orianated not hard to please. (Does anyone know what “family orianated not hard to please” means?) I like the outdoors along with any activities. Not a profectionest (You’re not a pro at fectionism? Sorry dude, but that’s one skill I’m definitely looking for.) but like things in place and a place for every thing (mise en place) (“mise en place” - WTF!?) Have no degree in any particulair field (Not even in English Language? Could've fooled me!) of study but have been schooled in mid-managment and culinary arts. Currently working on my masters degree of life in general with no surprise has brought me to this avenue with the hope of meeting that special person. May you find someone very, very special, Mr. Family Orianated. This gal's disorianated.

So my dear readers, all I’ve got left to say at this point is: Let the spooning resume!

39 comments:

  1. Ummmm...I have never watched Jersey shore, but I think me and my spoon will just have to tune in. After reading those messages, I think you might be better off with chocolate.

    Hang in there!

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  2. Your options sound better than mine!

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  3. Wow! Reading this makes me even more thankful for my better half! Don't give up though. You know the old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs...

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  4. LMFAOOOOOOO! Love this post! I say keep spooning girlfriend...Like Michele said...you have to go through a lot of frogs..or in my case 7 years with a psycho before finding 'the one.'

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  5. I had a few laughs while reading... ya I do the same thing when there is Nutella in the house.

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  6. I think I need a spoon of chocolate after reading those! Eeeeek!

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  7. I love that canned chocolate that you can eat like cake icing. That stuff is fabulous on icecream.

    WOW, you ladies got it rough out there. Those guys have the same writing skills as my LOL cats. But you can't make this stuff up.

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  8. Bachelor #1 sounds interesting, but does he even really exist? 300 pounds? At least be honest about it.

    The others? Holy crap are there some losers out there!

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  9. So he forget to lie about his weight as well? He's not the smartest liar. He must be hiring a lawyer to write a new bio for him.

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  10. mise en place? Little redundant there. Great new crop of winners. lol

    I was eying Nutella the other day but resisted. I was already loaded up on cake makings for my brother's birthday. But it was hard to deny it. Nutella calls to me.

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  11. These were funny. Mr. Liar sounded great. Though, his message had me laughing out loud. Nice going, people!

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  12. I will grab a spoon with you. These guys seem like douches.

    I saw your comment on T.S.'s post on the CSN giveaway. I posted a comment on what I would pick on the website. I hope it is creative enough for you. Thanks for believing in me.

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  13. Is being unable to spell a prerequisite for online dating? ugh. I don't envy you.

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  14. Well, I feel for you, my friend.

    It's amazing what passes for acceptable in online dating. If the profiles aren't pure BS, they have tweaked people behind them. It's pretty rough and tumble out there and things may look bleak at times, but hang in there.

    The Smuckers Hot Fudge topping is absolutely addictive. Let's put it this way -- I've polished off more bottles solo than I could care to count. It's extremely yummy and makes you feel warm inside with all that chocolate goodness. I don't do that any longer, but I have enough memories of it that I am not going to feel left out! :-)

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  15. I think when Bachelor #3 says he's "family orianated" he means he's married. But Bachelor #1 sounds like he's got it all--God-fearing AND "a bit of a wild side." (Umm, how does that work?) Also, over 250 pounds is more than "a bit" of wild side.

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  16. I am a word whore. I really, really, really try to give guies like theses a shot. But i cain't. "i will like to know you" must be in the official "Online Dating Come On Line's, For Dummies" book, this paired along with the sentence "i am lookeing for an intelligant womens" severely depletes my faith in my future relationships. If I do give them a chance and the first text includes "LOL", I'm out. I said "good evening" and you just "laughed out loud" at that? I think my humor would overload your circuits.

    You really need to move closer to me. I feel like spooning.

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  17. nutella rocks the heavens....

    spoon some with you....

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  18. I'm so proud of my followers for knowing what nutella is and spooning it too. Israelis have it right; they put it on everything, even veggies. xo

    Baygirl, yeah, your spoon could easily bounce off of his yummy abs. Let me know how it goes. :-)

    Amanda, so sorry to hear this. Hope you have a stash of nutella. xo

    Michele, thanks for visiting! I do tend to make lots of people feel good about their lives. I'm special that way. [-:

    ~J, thank you! xo

    Kimberly, nutella is dangerous that way. :-b

    Ms.A, keep on spooning. It's not just for singles. xo

    Cal, they really should get their cats to write the ads for them. <-;

    CB and GB, I know. It makes no sense. If you're going to lie, lie smart, at least. xo

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  19. TS, nutella makes lots of calls to me too. I always respond positively. xo

    Margg, oh dear is right. :-D

    MrStupid, now these are some stupid misters.xo

    PTM, how could I not believe in the Man of Powdered Toast? {-:

    CalGal, yes, along with not being able to find the spellcheck function. Thanks. xo

    John, thanks for understanding about the Smucker's hot fudge..mmm, heat it up a little, and you're satisfied for hours, I mean minutes. Well, I am. ;-]

    Margaret, I love it. Very funny! Thanks. xo

    Seductress, yes, all those LOL's are truly annoying, and the men who caint spell their own names..I do need to catch a plane to ya, with a big spoon in hand. (-;

    Sir Thomas, just say when. Warning: I'm an aggressive spooner.

    xoChocolate kisses and nutella by the spoonful,
    Robyn

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  20. WTF is right. They don't make any sense! Cheers (with chocolate in hand)!!!

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  21. there pore speling rilly annoise me.

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  22. You've got to laugh or else you'll cry.
    And this had me laughing out loud:

    "(“mise en place” - WTF!?)".

    :)

    I made a Nutella chocolate cake a few months ago and it was finger licking good. I haven't had any chocolate for quite some time. Crap, I want some chocolate now.

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  23. You know what's even worse than poor spellers? Those who butcher the English language when speaking! (I should know. I was married to one, once!) How about "upholstraphy" instead of "upholstery"....or "forfill" instead of "fulfill"....or "hud caps" instead of "hub caps". Yeah.....that's what I had!!! (I'm not even going to tell you why I married someone dumber than a bag of bricks....you would be pissin' yourself laughing for years to come, and I can't have Depends making a fortune just because of something I said!)

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  24. LOL. Yeah there are plenty of winners out there.

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  25. Omg!!! I thought this was a joke!! Are they for real?!!

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  26. Methinks you are fishing for men in a very small gene pool! Yikes! Still, they can send email, so they must have some higher functions.

    What a crackup this piece is, Robyn! I lernt alot bout tokken to wimmen jus by reedan it. Thanksabunch!

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  27. Sarah, cheers and a toast to many more WTF moments! Thank you, girlfriend. :-)

    TI, I wonk wat u meen. xo

    DDG, mmm, nutella choco-cake made by a Dutch gal. It can't get more delish. [-:

    Mar, you already have me keeping Depends in business for decades to come with this comment. I love ya for it! xo

    Mike, this is sadly true. ;->

    Gayle, I can make some stuff up, but not like this. xo

    Tgo, yep, the pool of genes is simply very, very small. Glad ta teech u somethurn. (o:

    Choco-kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  28. 1. How do you consume so much chocolate and stay so slim Ms. Robyn? I'm very jealous!

    2. Bad spelling is my #1 turn off in a guy or friend even -- next to the super cheap person. Ick.

    3. You're much too funny for your own good - loved this!

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  29. It's amazing how you bring out the honesty in the liars of our sacred pack. Do you get your powers from the cocoa bean?

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  30. Ally, thanks! Actually, I can practically watch my belly grow with every delectable morsel. I do, however, keep a pretty healthy diet otherwise. I also work out pretty regularly. Around my b-day, I get tons of chocolate. It's a shameless addiction and my friends are 'enablers.' I love 'em for it. xo

    Copyboy, thanks. It's in the reverse. The cocoa bean gets its powers from me! I don't know what that means, exactly, but it sounds good and rather arrogant. :)

    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  31. OH, no. No, no, no. There are so many freaks out there!

    However, I am not one of them. That photo up there is EXACTLY what my abs and chest look like. I am totally hot and ripped.

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  32. Nutella and arrowroot cookies...yum. I turn them into sandwich cookies. Straight out of the jar is amazing too.

    Your post reminded me of a story my friend told me. She had a friend who was posting a picture of herself from when she was 15 years younger. She was always complaining that the date never lasted for more than 10 minutes :0D I still think about that whenever I see the commercials for matchmaker etc. I wonder how many people do that?

    BTW, chocolate is a superfood...so enjoy!

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  33. there are all kinds of men. all of these sound like litle boys who can't be true and not worth the trouble

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  34. Let me clarify myself......

    Love it Robyn!!!!!

    John

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  35. Jason, really? Would you like to sppon (chocolate) with me? Thanks for the visit. xo

    Marnie, a photo of her at age 15?! Hello. That's rather disturbing. Thanks for the choco-suggestions and support. :o)

    Rose, you're right. They are only be worth making fun on via my blog. Thank you. xo

    John, to be clear, I love you too! [-:

    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  36. Oh my! Nutella and chocolate syrup are looking better than ever - and I wasn't even sure that was possible.

    I have always been out of controllllllll with my chocolate spooning, but after reading these letters, I feel positively God fearing about my addiction. In fact, you might even call me chocolate orianated!

    P.S. "Mise en place" I can only assume, is a special cupboard designated for the storage of chocolate.

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  37. I just found your blog through Cheeseboy's. About 8 months ago I joined an online dating site...purely for stories to put on my blog. The stories were great for a while...but then they stopped because I got married, to someone I met on the dating site.

    I had to change my attitude entirely about on line dating sites. :)

    I'll be back for more!

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  38. RoMag, awesome comments. I love it. I'm positively God fearing and chocolate orianated too. I'll have to find my "mise en place". Thanks! :0)

    Noelle, it's always good to hear happy stories, and sounds like you didn't have to do the internet thing for long. Congrats. Thanks for the visit! (o:

    Choco-kisses,
    xoRobyn

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