Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday Follow and Random Randomness
As I was perusing craigslist (sorry for using the "c" word in mixed company), I noted a listing of the best of its random ads. In my estimation, the following two are the best of the best. Or would they be the worst? I suppose, if you are dyslexic and/or standing on your head, they would still be randomly random.
I swear with every ounce of my little honest being that I did not make any of this up. Enjoy the read, and happy Friday!
SEEKING BODYGUARD NAMED BETTY
I am a Paul Simon fan in my mid thirties. As my name is Al, for the past 20 years I've been searching for a friend named Betty with whom I could sing the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al." Imagine how much fun we could have singing along with the lyrics and pointing at each other when our names are mentioned! We could sing it together on road trips with the windows down, at home with our stereos cracked loud, we can smile at each other knowingly when it's played in gas stations and grocery stores and text each other when we're apart and it comes on the radio. I'm especially looking forward to acting out our own version of the classic Paul Simon Chevy Chase music video. We can post it on Youtube! Just to be clear, I'm not really looking for a bodyguard (that's a lyric from the song haha!) just a friend named Betty. If you want we could maybe sing other Paul Simon songs at some point but I'd really rather we stick with our namesakes You Can Call Me Al. Of course I want proof your name is really Betty so when we meet I'll need to see a state issued photo ID with that name. I'll also accept Elizabeth, Roberta (<--Dang! I was so close to scoring this gig!) or Beatrix. Please write back soon I can't wait to hang out Sincerely -Your long lost pal!!! BossyBetty or BettyM., please do keep us posted on this one. I can't wait to see the vlog! Note: This blogger neither endorses nor condemns this opportunity. She just thinks it's freakin funny and randomly random.
BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO -
I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity. Requirements: -access to an abandoned warehouse (Dang, I was soo close again - minus the warehouse and sex change) -old enough/built kinda awesome -maintains good eye contact -general intensity -cool moves -shades -leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish) -Bedazzler -basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me) -can lift 80 lbs -bachelor's in something or equivalent experience -not a narc Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY. P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now. "They told him don't you ever come around here Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear So beat it, just beat it" Note: In case he did not emphasize this enough, this dude is - in fact - not gay. Note #2: This blogger can not wholeheartedly recommend that you (or any earthly being, including but not limited to fungi and parasites) offer to engage in parrying or thrusting with JoBro.