And I Wrote This Book.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Love and Trash: A Recycled Post Regarding Recycling (in a bad way)

You were unattainable. I was jealous of her for years. Your humble warm persona, creative silliness, and depth of character made you the man I wanted but couldn’t have. I didn’t plan on replacing her, after you broke it off. It just started happening. Those fantasy feelings became realized with every passing moment that we spent talking in the cozy diner, after the others had left.

I’ll never forget our 2am drive to Mt. Diablo, to view a lunar eclipse. You sang to me all the way there and back, as I faded into and out of a dreamlike state. When we got to the top of the mountain, we reclined on the hood of your car under a blanket of stars. You kept me warm with your arms and lips. We didn’t see the eclipse that hazy night, but it was so incredibly romantic that I cannot begin to reconcile it with your God damn annoying ass habits!

First: the Triple A Map folding tutorials. “It’s all in the corners. You’ve got to line them up just so,” you lectured. Why did you need a map any way, Mr. “I have an amazing sense of direction and can find my way out of any jungle in record time”? It must have been a fluke when you got lost driving through the Mojave Desert that night, which you claimed to know like the back of your hand. I just wanted a warm bed to sleep in. (Alone, preferably.) Instead, we were stuck in 3 feet of mud, with no cell phone reception or sign of life anywhere I looked - unless I counted you. And I didn’t. You offered me no comfort but two stale Oreos that you scrounged from the trunk. (Okay, that was actually rather sweet. But you’re missing the point here.)

There’s more, Kenny. Hear me out for a change. You demonstrated moral superiority via a boycott of all products made in Asia. This left us unable to purchase anything except USA Annually. And what a snoozer that publication is! Meanwhile, you insisted that I give you my car registration stickers, when the DMV mistakenly sent me a second set. Morality of convenience is rather convenient. Isn’t it, darling? What truly tipped the scales was not the night we spent stuck in the mud, the map-folding tutorials, or boycotting 99% of all products sold in the US. What marked your demise was that one astonishing moment when you reached into the dark recesses of my kitchen trashcan – I repeat: my kitchen trashcan- to pull out a recyclable milk carton. Did I mention that was my freakin’ kitchen trashcan?!

I loved you, but I forget why. I needed to boycott you, not Asia. So keep the recyclables. Keep folding your maps correctly. Keep every last version of US Annually. Keep it all. Just keep it all away from me, so I can get back to admiring you from afar. Or not.

24 comments:

  1. It does make things easier when maps are folded properly...

    You are too funny, Robyn...with a sexy smile.

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  2. Oh my. Glad I'm not Kenny. LOL

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  3. He sounds like an inferior version of the South Park Kenny.

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  4. That was totally funny. It's always the little things. I knew a girl once who stole my mother's car (but it turned out okay, the insurance company bought her another car and when the police found the first one she bid on it at the wreckers and got it for back for 500 dollars. We replaced the broken window and had two nearly brand new cars) I was mad at her for that but I was most indignant that she left two strawberry flavored 'milk to go' bottles in the back seat. That is how I knew it was her that stole it. That was all she drank. I also used to teach a simple forensics class to my science kids. They all knew how to get a fingerprint off a class or a strawberry 'milk to go' bottle. I invited her over. Got her a drink. Showed her how easy it was to get a fingerprint off a glass and compared the two. I should have called the cops but she ran out of the house too fast. We never brought charges because we were up two cars anyways. True story.

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  5. I want an Oreo now, and a better version of Kenny. ;} (and strawberry milk, You should never steal a car without it!!!)


    Love ya!!

    We'll get ours in the end..

    Wait, that sounded naughty and Blase is here...

    laughing.....

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  6. Funny. There's an old some titled "Little things mean a lot. I guess it's the little things that get you down, too. Oh well, life goes on. Manzanita

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  7. P.S. That old "some" typo..... meant to be "song". Sorry

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  8. There's recycling and then there's RECYCLING. This is still a good post. ;-)

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  9. I'm sorry but this is so funny I couldn't help but laugh even with the second read. And lol at Kal's story. She was a genius!

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  10. Lol! Hilarious!! I pull out recyclable things from trash cans all the time.

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  11. Probably my favorite post of yours thus far. Kenny sounds a lot like the freak that served me at Starbucks the other day. Maybe he is?! That just blew my mind.

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  12. Blase, oh no, are you obsessive about map folding too? Poor SB! xo

    John, you should be glad for that. :-b

    GB, I think that's what I used the name. His real name is - oops, I best not go there. It may retraumatize me. xo

    Kal, um, your g/f STEALING mommy's car - not a small thing, buddy. Not small at all. The strawberry milk (vs chocolate), is not small either. What was she thinking? PS You need to post these stories on your blog. <-:

    TIS, actually, strawberry milk is pretty good. We will get ours, and I don't just mean milk. xo

    Manzanita, very true. Thanks. :o)

    IT, thank you. I didn't want to keep it in the recycling bin. xo

    Sarah, yeah, Kal's story is very interesting. Thanks. [-:

    BabySis, your poor b/f. Or does he do the same? xo

    Cheeseboy, thanks. For some reason, this is my favorite too. Kenny boycotts Starbucks (seriously, no big surprise), so it wasn't him. Wait, I missed a post of yours?! Gotta catch up. ;-}

    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  13. My goodness, I bet I've supplied many with some A+ blog fodder over the years, but nothing like old Kenny here! He sounds like a real jerk's jerk! Hilarious story, Robyn! Dare I say keep them coming? LOL!

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  14. OMG!!! My EX used to be fanatical about map folding!!!!! What a dork!

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  15. Ha ha! Robyn, I know someone who sorts through other peoples kitchen trash cans. Too funny.

    I'm with you...Stawberry Milk? Why oh why when we all know Chocolate milk is the way to go. Cal should have taken that as sign right then and there!

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  16. LMAO! That was a fabulous post.

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  17. Poor Kenny. He probably thought he was taking good care of you with his persnickety ways, and had no clue they made you puke.
    I hope he finds his map-folding lady somewhere out there...

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  18. Stopping by to say hello from Friday Follow. Already following you on GFC :)

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  19. You tell him, BB! Thanks. PS Please join me on all my dates. Don't worry. I only have about 1 per year. xo

    Tgo, you may dare say so, but see above message to BB. I'd have to recycle more stories. :-]

    Mar, how annoying! Now, I use the laminated ones. You can't go wrong folding them. Guess he really did traumatize me. xo

    Marnie, yes, I totally agree. Why the strawberry? (I didn't notice the typo. I just noticed the word was not chocolate.) (o:

    Ninja, thank you! I'm glad you like it, and I'm really liking your posts. xo

    Margaret, maybe he should look for her at AAA. Then again, he might get lost en route, if he doesn't carry a map. ;->

    Tsue, thank you for hopping over and commenting!

    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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  20. From lunar eclipse to lunacy. So sad. Too bad. :)

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  21. Between your post and Kal's story omg! Unreal and now I'm craving something sweet to boot! Hope you're well sweet Robyn.

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  22. Great post. I was hooked by the title alone!

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