And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Woman vs. Woman (for mature audiences and then some)



continued from Drawer to Drawer Revelations.

Suppose, I don’t know, just for fun, the two women duke it out.

In this corner: Mrs. Mary Duh. She’s practiced and experienced. She knows how to pull the punches and dodge the blows. She’s overcome the worst of it. Though a bit haggard, Mary Duh is wise from the wear. She’s got it all down, or so she has convinced the audience.

In the other corner: Miss Sin Gal. She’s younger, more ambitious, sexy, and determined to take the title. In truth, a bit desperate and insecure, Sin Gal hides it well. Straight from the dating scene, she’s primed with fighter’s instincts. She’s ready to knock the Mrs. dead.

Enraged, jealous, and sexually repressed, Mary Duh thrusts the initial blow. Sick of all the dating bullshit, Sin Gal reflexively pounds back. She hammers at Mary Duh, unleashing her pent up fears of STDs and unplanned pregnancies. Her routine fight for personal integrity and safety unfolds.Bonked by her kids countless times, Mary Duh retaliates in style. She goes in with a left hook, fuming with desire to turn back time.

The crowd gasps in horror as Sin Gal lay flat on her back mid-ring. Everyone in the stands had a lonely cousin, a brother’s marginally alcoholic but handsome buddy, and/or a wealthy widowed neighbor to fix her up with. So she can’t be dead! Each of them had a story to tell her, something like, “I met my husband on a 7-1/2 day cruise to Oahu. Take the same cruise, on the same cruise line, during the same time of year.” "Look how happy we are. See us smile." "Honey, smile now."

Suddenly, Sin Gal’s body jolts. She isn’t dead. The crowd sighs with relief. But her clock is ticking. “Come on,” they shout, “Hurry up and get married. We mean, hurry up and get Mary Duh!”“There’s always adoption. There are so many kids who need you. But watch out for the attachment stuff. Make sure they’re under 2 and perfectly healthy.”

Sin Gal pushes herself up onto her feet. Oh how she wants to get Mary Duh. The time has come. Red faced Mary Duh has just plain had it. They wrestle each other to the ground, shout rather unfavorable and non-ladylike utterances, and finally collapse in parallel fashion with exhaustion.

It’s a tie.

They thrust themselves up with renewed fervor. They glare at each other and shake hands. Their fingers dangle a bit but the tips naturally stay connected, bonded by sweat. With pep and giddiness, they leave the ring together. In unison, the audience exclaims, “Ooh, -pause- aah.” The women saunter off, sharing fantasies about getting into each other’s drawers. The lights go off.

25 comments:

  1. Bravo!!!! What channel is it on?

    ReplyDelete
  2. A cat fight that ends with dike action? I'm all in favour of it, of course, but wouldn't it only be shown on a subscription channel?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Marlene. It'll air on NBC to compete with the Bachelorette in the fall.

    GB, have you been in the jungle? Oh yeah, you have. This stuff is family hour material nowadays. Then again, you could be onto something. I'll market it as porn. I mean pay-per-view, and perhaps make some money out of this blogging gig afterall.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  4. What an ending. I didn't expect it to go down like that. I need to shower now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. too many soft curls for my liking...

    ReplyDelete
  6. As it should be – a happily-ever-after – of sorts.
    (Once married, now single, I found myself rooting for both of them – glad it was a tie…)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Greatest blog post eva!!! I like the tie too....
    There are perks with each side, I want to see the other sides perks,,ya know,,for grins..

    hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I never watch TV anymore. I stopped after all those reality shows started providing a lil too much reality for my taste. Compared to some of the stuff out there, yours would be of a better quality.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i suspect it's a lot uglier in real life, which i try to stay away!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ha ha. Glad I visited and I'm becoming a follower. Good stuff, Robyn. Look forward to more!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm already following. Hmm...glad, then, to be "getting to know you" better.

    And, uh, yeh, I'm a little absentminded. Obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  12. For some odd reason I was sitting here imagining you whispering "non-ladylike utterances" in my ear...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Have you been reading my diary???

    ReplyDelete
  14. Don't worry.... Mary Duh will find the right person.... She's just got a big haystack to wade through.... lol Maybe Sin Gal will switch sides when she pricked by a needle she deems big enough....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Haha love the story, Robyn..is there a next?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Awwww, so romantic! I sure wish the lights hadn't gone out! I can't see in the dark!

    What happened next? A tickle fight in bra and panties?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow. That's great. I don't like fights though :(

    PS I know there's no correlation to the Hills but since you posted the pic up there, I have to tell you... I think Kristin (the girl to the far left) is the hottest girl ever. If I could wake up and look like anyone, it would be her. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ally, she is pretty hot. But I think Spencer's the prettiest girl of all.

    Dr. Heckle and Sarah, I don't have part III ready to go, but you've got me thinking about it. Thanks for setting the stage, Doc.

    ABAO, I think Mary and Sin are doing just fine right about now. ;->

    BB, no. No. I was, uh, helping clean up for you, cuz I figure your husband doesn't help much around the house. They never do. And, uh, I found a book with lots of personal writing. I needed to dust all the pages for you, cuz, you know, your husband (that lazy bastard!) would never do that. Don't worry I only tore out 2 more pages for future posts. Thanks for the great material!

    Blase, that is truly odd. I'd be shouting, not whispering 'em to you. xo

    Alyssa, thanks for coming by. No worries, I get confused myself on who I'm following and who's following me. It's sketchy terrain, this blogosphere.

    Beth, I've been on both sides too. Glad you liked the tie.

    Gillian, sorry to disappoint. Us women are softies under all the sweat.

    Thanks Jerry. Hope the water was cold enough for you.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  19. Nice, Robyn! I love stories that involve two sexy sweaty women getting in each other's drawers. I'm special like that. Maybe next time you could enclose some pictures as well? Did I tell you I am a darn good photographer? LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Not how I thought it was going to end at all... but great still.

    Also, you should have had Dr. Phil get his ass kicked somehow.

    ReplyDelete
  21. oh yeah, CB, I should've had the Dr. go down in a bad way. "How's that working for you now, Dr. Phil." Hmm, more ideas for part IV. Thanks.

    Thanks Tom. I'm glad you liked it. So kind of you to offer your photography skills for the next round.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  22. Excellent! I think they went off to drink champagne and bitch about men...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Happy Friday Follow! I'm your newest follower :) You can visit/follow me at:

    http://www.momsbalancingact.com/2010/04/happy-friday-follow_29.html

    Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  24. From FF and wanted to say hi.
    Take a minute an check my blog out if you haven't already.
    I have lots of great giveaways going on, photography posts and posts about my life too.
    Thanks :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Stopping by from Friday Follow. I am your newest follower.

    ReplyDelete