And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How Much Tonnage Makes for a Few Extra Pounds?


Since the double-chinner fiasco (see pre-BDFH Hell), I just have one large report for you, dear reader. It goes like this: a guy sent me an "I'm interested" message. This is usually not a big deal, but in this case, it's rather massive. See, the dude describes his body type as "a few extra pounds." We all know what that means. Right ladies?

I'm not trying to be mean. It just comes naturally. I do have a few extra pounds myself -- in my belly. And under each arm. And another few are doing just fine hanging out on each upper leg. Plus, I'm the first to admit I have issues. Oh, stop nodding your heads in agreement and scanning through your memory banks to recall the names of all those mental health disorders you learned about in Psych. class. I'm merely talking about my chocolate addiction!

Being a 40-something'er American (i.e., food-obsessed) woman, a few body parts started drooping 1/2 inch toward the earth's center at 12:01am the morning of my 40th birthday. These parts drop again 1/3 inch (this time, toward China) at 6 month intervals thereafter. Sorry to warn you younger gals out there, but it's best to emotionally prepare for the trauma. Guys, we all know that once you hit 30, the fat cells gravitate to (1) your gut and (2) your gut. Right? Let's keep it real and restrained by a belt fastened on the last notch. Please!

So this is all to say that I'm no more shallow than the next Beauty Pageant Winner. I'm also a very small person, and thus not interested in a man who defines himself on-line as having "a few extra pounds." A review of his pictures indicates that he has a rather broad, shall we say, definition of "a few."

And so I became horrified upon envisioning our dating life. I could see us taking a leisurely walk along the main drag of this neighborhood, passing your standard cafes, eateries, and gift shops. I would, however, be 3 yards ahead of him, wearing a big whistle around my neck and carrying a bullhorn. When we'd come close to any pedestrians, I'd whistle 3 times, then shout into the blowhorn: "Make way, everybody! Wide load coming through! Wide load coming through!" Women, children, and poodles would throw up their arms, screech, and flee the scene. It's just not a very romantic vision. You know?

So I've fat out, I mean flat out, decided to avoid the ones who claim to have a few extra pounds. That fat lie tips the scales for this gal.

27 comments:

  1. Hey, I don't blame you. You can't start out with a fat guy. They are supposed to get that way AFTER you marry them.

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  2. You never know, the way you pictured what your dating life might look like could be exactly the kind of thing he's into.

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  3. Well, I better say something here. Not all 40 year old men can look as good as me! Maybe he had gland problems! Big Glands!

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  4. i say be shallow and pick the ones with good physiques. they don't have much inside anyway... i'm just saying.

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  5. Start with high expectations! Why not?

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  6. Is it bad that I'm LOL-ing at cheeseboy's response?!

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  7. Yeah, a "few extra pounds" usually means a "few hundred." On the bright side, there's just more of him to love right?

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  8. You are so right about gravity! But mankind was given a sense of humor to compensate for the effects of gravity. Some of us have a lot to laugh about, but at least we have at least one foot firmly planted in reality about it, which is more than I can say for a lot of weight-challenged online daters!

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  9. I am dying over Cheeseboy's response! Sorry to hear about your unfortunate luck with the few extra pounds. Maybe you should focus on those with a few extra dollars.

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  10. Gotta love a man in a kilt, right?

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  11. This post strikes a chord with me – the gravity part. Was trying on bathing suits yesterday. Ouch.

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  12. More to love, in all the wrong places right?

    Gravity is not my friend!

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  13. Baby and Beth, gravity a bitch. Isn't she?!

    Gillian, actually, they usually but clearly not always look pretty hot in kilts.

    Jerry, good strategy. That's what I'm thinking.
    Sarah, I'm combining your strategy with Jerry's. Thanks.

    Tgoette, yes, some of us have tons to laugh about.

    Cheeseboy, your comment's a winner with this crowd. o Marlene, it's never bad to laugh at anything on my blog. CB is so wise. Didn't these men read the rule book?

    Spuds, I know it, babe.

    xoRobyn

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  14. 12:01AM on the day of your 40th birthday....really....well that day is coming up for me and I WAS OK with it till...sigh.....

    You forgot to say he would beep when he backed up...

    I'm going ta hell for that one..Karma and all..

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  15. means different things to different people, assess the photos!

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  16. I joined a dating site once for about a week and did not select a body type. I also never put up a real picture. I never got dates because they all assumed that I was an obeast. Their loss.

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  17. And for the record... 40 year old women with curves ROCK!!!

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  18. I was always 'cautious' about the women describing their self as "Full-Figured".

    Why do I get this feeling that you are just the right size to sit on a man's lap with your thighs wrapped around his waist??

    I'll be glad when I grow out of my horniness...

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  19. Hey, Robyn. New blog is up already. Not really sure what to do on there in the meantime, but I'm really digging the layout. What do you think?

    In relation to this post, I support you in your decision to stray away from those people who tell the truth but not the whole truth. It's just a personal preference - not fatism. Some people like meaty guys... and those meaty guys can go find women they don't have to lie to, right?

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  20. Again, I don't miss those days, when you're completely judged by the way you look. Stories like this and the negative comments that follow make me want to stay married forever. Just saying. It's hard being heavy in a skinny world.

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  21. As a male with a few extra pounds that's spitting distance from being 40, I take semi-offence to this. haha. :)

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  22. Blase, your comment is steaming up my computer screen, so I'm afraid I can't respond.

    It's hard being anything outside of the norm, Ally. I'm abnormally short, and it's not fun. What bothered me about this guy is not his size, but his attempts at deception.

    Michael, I'll check it out.

    Copyboy, reality is at least semi-offensive. What can I say?

    Thanks Spuds, Toca, Jenn, and IS.

    I like all of you just the way you are. I just have no interest in dating a fat man who claims not to be one. That's all. No offense intended.

    xoRobyn

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  23. Well it does sound like it could have been an 'interesting' date, at least if it played out the way you imagined! Especially if you could make those annoying beeping sounds when he backed up.

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  24. Down south it goes...that's why I love the lift I get from a cross-your-heart bra. You know, if he hadn't stated a thing about his physique, i'll bet it wouldn't have been much of a thought...

    Great blog!

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  25. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.... He's just giving you a wider path to tread on.... lol

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  26. True, Kristy. I forgot about the backing up sounds.

    Thanks Marnie! (& Yeah, I need to go bra shopping for the cross-your-hearts.)

    That is funny, ABAO! I prefer a much less expansive path.

    xoRobyn

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