Internet Hating, Pre-BDFH/Blind Date From Hell Hell

Desperate times

Wow. I owe you some cheering up, my beloved readers. Since my day job doesn't bring on the sunshine, perhaps my single life will. Given how much you relished in my painful Blind Date From Hell, I'm trying for more. I do this for YOU. Alas, times are in fact desperate, and I don't have a BDFH story for you. Amazing how much one must endure in attempting to get to the date.



Here's the build up: guy with a double chin sends me an already formatted "learn all about what a cool dude I am, and tell me if you like what you see." I decide to look around the double chin -- though this strained my neck a bit -- to read his profile. I deduce that double-chinner must have mistakenly emailed me, as we have nothing in common and he falls outside of all of my basic criteria - besides the fact that he is probably a male. Still, I send a "thanks but no thanks."

Double-chinner responds with a long ass copy-and-pasted message listing tips on Internet dating, the gist of which is: "You've gotta meet in person rather than rule someone out by e-mail."

Sweet and usually sometimes innocent me decides to fight back! [Homey don't play that!]. I respond:

Tips for you:

1) Read the profile. Had you actually read my profile, you would've read that I don't date rude men (e.g., men who don't respectfully accept a "no thanks"). I'm looking for someone under 50, I'm politically liberal and not interested in someone who isn't.

2) Send personalized messages. Women are turned off by already formatted messages that are ready for bulk mailing. It doesn't make a girl feel special.

3) Accept a 'no thanks' and move on, rather than wasting angry, ego-injured energy on emailing the rejector back a copy-and-paste article.

Good luck!

Double-chinner rushes back to the center of the ring with spite and a dissertation. Because I like you, dear reader, I'm chopping it down SIGNIFICANTLY.

Regarding the “bitter” {Dude, I did not call you bitter. You've touched your own nerve here. But that's for the best, since I won't be touching it anytime in the next two thousand years.} presumption. It is not true. Every guy that is dating is running into tons of Russian escorts who pretend to be serious but are looking for customer; goldiggers; super-models who want super-model guys who invariably cheat on them which makes them bitter; users; sport-sex one nighter seeker women; abused and intimacy broken test-the-waters women; no-shows for the first meeting; people who post skinny pictures, or only head shots, but are actually obese in person; Shell-shocked women who just got out of a huge legal battle with the ex and are not ready for any kind of relationship; people who plan their meals around which online guy will buy them for them; .. etc… {Can double-chinner say "I can rant like nobody's business!"? Hey Ian, did you see this sh*t?!}

This is the experience of EVER SINGLE GUY that is dating right now. I am just documenting the facts. I am not writing a bitter treatise. Read the hundreds of thousands of blog and article postings online from guys saying the same exact thing. {Perhaps if an "ever" single guy is as embittered as you, double-chinner, that is why said "ever" single guy is, uh, "ever" single.}
I am the same age as you. {Last I checked, I was 43. Last I checked, you were 52. Last time I input 43 into my calculator, it equated with - drum roll please - 43. Is it the male-double-chinner-embittered-desperate-math you're doing, sir? I already survived a marriage to a man 13 years my senior. I'll be damned or I'll be Demi if I'm going to have that kind of age difference again.} Besides, dear reader, I don't look a minute older than 25. Right? Right! I knew I liked you. Carry on. I mean, don't fret, I'll bring it on home shortly. Promise.
Because you look like you do you have chosen to treat yourself as a product {Ok, now I've been told I look like lots of things - ranging from repulsive (oh, that was me looking in the mirror on Monday mornings) to rather lovely - but I've never been told I look like I treat myself as a product. Hmm, What product might we be speaking of? Lady's Speed Stick Deodarant? Tylenol Multi-Symptom Relief Tablets? I'm grasping for straws here.}

He goes on and on with all sorts of  data. Onto the second page, he abruptly ends. Could this be a workable strategy to get a date? I'm tempted to suggest the method with the cow pictured above, but my computer lacks the bandwidth to manage another response from him.

Do you think he might be a bit embittered?

P.S. Did I mention I would do almost anything for you, my friends? Would you like me to tell him, "Hey double-chinner, you are so convincing. Let's meet up for coffee"? That trick question is a test of your love for me. **Insert Jeopardy music here as million dollar question is being pondered.**