Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Internet Hating, Pre-BDFH/Blind Date From Hell Hell




Desperate times

Wow. I owe you some cheering up, my beloved readers. Since my day job doesn't bring on the sunshine, perhaps my single life will. Given how much you relished in my painful Blind Date From Hell, I'm trying for more. I do this for YOU. Alas, times are in fact desperate, and I don't have a BDFH story for you. Amazing how much one must endure in attempting to get to the date.



Here's the build up: guy with a double chin sends me an already formatted "learn all about what a cool dude I am, and tell me if you like what you see." I decide to look around the double chin -- though this strained my neck a bit -- to read his profile. I deduce that double-chinner must have mistakenly emailed me, as we have nothing in common and he falls outside of all of my basic criteria - besides the fact that he is probably a male. Still, I send a "thanks but no thanks."

Double-chinner responds with a long ass copy-and-pasted message listing tips on Internet dating, the gist of which is: "You've gotta meet in person rather than rule someone out by e-mail."

Sweet and usually sometimes innocent me decides to fight back! [Homey don't play that!]. I respond:

Tips for you:

1) Read the profile. Had you actually read my profile, you would've read that I don't date rude men (e.g., men who don't respectfully accept a "no thanks"). I'm looking for someone under 50, I'm politically liberal and not interested in someone who isn't.

2) Send personalized messages. Women are turned off by already formatted messages that are ready for bulk mailing. It doesn't make a girl feel special.

3) Accept a 'no thanks' and move on, rather than wasting angry, ego-injured energy on emailing the rejector back a copy-and-paste article.

Good luck!


Double-chinner rushes back to the center of the ring with spite and a dissertation. Because I like you, dear reader, I'm chopping it down SIGNIFICANTLY.

Regarding the “bitter” {Dude, I did not call you bitter. You've touched your own nerve here. But that's for the best, since I won't be touching it anytime in the next two thousand years.} presumption. It is not true. Every guy that is dating is running into tons of Russian escorts who pretend to be serious but are looking for customer; goldiggers; super-models who want super-model guys who invariably cheat on them which makes them bitter; users; sport-sex one nighter seeker women; abused and intimacy broken test-the-waters women; no-shows for the first meeting; people who post skinny pictures, or only head shots, but are actually obese in person; Shell-shocked women who just got out of a huge legal battle with the ex and are not ready for any kind of relationship; people who plan their meals around which online guy will buy them for them; .. etc… {Can double-chinner say "I can rant like nobody's business!"? Hey Ian, did you see this sh*t?!}

This is the experience of EVER SINGLE GUY that is dating right now. I am just documenting the facts. I am not writing a bitter treatise. Read the hundreds of thousands of blog and article postings online from guys saying the same exact thing. {Perhaps if an "ever" single guy is as embittered as you, double-chinner, that is why said "ever" single guy is, uh, "ever" single.}
I am the same age as you. {Last I checked, I was 43. Last I checked, you were 52. Last time I input 43 into my calculator, it equated with - drum roll please - 43. Is it the male-double-chinner-embittered-desperate-math you're doing, sir? I already survived a marriage to a man 13 years my senior. I'll be damned or I'll be Demi if I'm going to have that kind of age difference again.} Besides, dear reader, I don't look a minute older than 25. Right? Right! I knew I liked you. Carry on. I mean, don't fret, I'll bring it on home shortly. Promise.
Because you look like you do you have chosen to treat yourself as a product {Ok, now I've been told I look like lots of things - ranging from repulsive (oh, that was me looking in the mirror on Monday mornings) to rather lovely - but I've never been told I look like I treat myself as a product. Hmm, What product might we be speaking of? Lady's Speed Stick Deodarant? Tylenol Multi-Symptom Relief Tablets? I'm grasping for straws here.}

He goes on and on with all sorts of  data. Onto the second page, he abruptly ends. Could this be a workable strategy to get a date? I'm tempted to suggest the method with the cow pictured above, but my computer lacks the bandwidth to manage another response from him.

Do you think he might be a bit embittered?

P.S. Did I mention I would do almost anything for you, my friends? Would you like me to tell him, "Hey double-chinner, you are so convincing. Let's meet up for coffee"? That trick question is a test of your love for me. **Insert Jeopardy music here as million dollar question is being pondered.**

39 comments:

  1. Dropkick him! No coffee! (unless it's from McD's and really hot, then you know what to do)

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  2. I really like this blog. You are really nice. You are hot. Send me a message if you are single. and hot.

    lolz..
    jokes! Loved it!
    =]

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  3. I hope "Double-chinner's" "long-ass message" included some paragraphs...

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  4. ..uh oh!

    Looks like ole Anthony is stepping up to the plate....one in which he's going to be wanting some home-cooked food on it...

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  5. Have been pressured to do the on-line dating thing. However, I’m thinking I’m content to just learn from you for now. ;)
    Keep those reports coming in...much appreciated.

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  6. I love a lady with balls. In the dating world, you just have to stand up for yourself. I vote for a little Demi. At least I could live vicariously through your adventures. You get a bloggy thumbs up from The Bumpkin, and you have a new follower!

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  7. I love my peeps.

    Thanks Bumpkin, so glad you've joined the -usually but not always- fun.

    Beth, anything for my peeps.

    Blase, don't restaurants serve home cooked meals on plates?

    Ms. A, you're always good for advice. Got it!

    Last but not least, Anthony: xoxo@#%&*! That one's for you, babe.

    Chocolate kisses, Robyn

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  8. I tried online dating once, for about a week. It resulted in a battle royal with a cocky med student who called me both egotistic and insecure; in the same email. He went on to state that he'd been been, at times, referred to as a God in bed.

    I deleted my account.

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  9. This dude wrote all of that to you? Tell me he didn't

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  10. He didn't, Ian. He wrote a shitload more. I'm just sparing you all the excruciating statistics and embittered details.

    Good move, Toca.

    xoRobyn

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  11. this was a delightful read over coffee, I like your sense of humour, and I would say--though I know you won't--don't meet up with him. He isn't worth your time, and for his age, sadly it sounds like he still has some growing up to do.

    I'm Following %^)

    o btw, I get this vague suspicion when lookin at your profile, that you have a mild affinity for chocolate...just a hunch

    glad you found my blog through Sarah's I presume? Anyway, hope you have a great day, look forward to future posts.

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  12. That guy did NOT really answer you by email this thing about all single men are being hit on by Russian escorts?!? AND he had the nerve to tell you that you were his age?! I don't know what he meant to accomplish by sending this rant to you on the misery dating is, but if he thinks it's so bad, why doesn't he stop? Does he want to gain your pity or something? What a turn off! Plus, forwarding prepared messages is already really bad!!

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  13. Holy crap this is funny! Really, you need to send him to this site to buy one of these:

    https://www.buynecklineslimmer.com/6/?

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  14. what a loser, but keep this online dating thing going. it provides great blogging material.

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  15. LOL! I loved this! Oh this brings back so many stellar memories! I met my current wife online and I know the extent of the bullshit online-daters have to wade through before they meet a quality person! Many of my friends are still looking that way and the horror stories never change.

    BTW, what is your bra size and what's your take on "friends with benefits?" LOL!!!

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  16. Oooh, he sounds like such a catch doesn't he? I can't imagine why you didn't just fall right at his feet!

    I thought I'd encountered some total idiots, but that one takes the whole biscuit! And he wonders why he's single?!

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  17. Sorry that it was a pain to have to see his photo and listen to his rant but made for a good blog post.

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  18. Oh dear. Run away. Run away fast!

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  19. I think he likes women who play hard to get. You've just got to play impossible to get

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  20. You are one hilarious i-dater! Don't you know the rules when it comes to guys and emails? We're horrible under pressure. We cut and paste as a safety net. We lie so you will like us. And we get defensive when you reject us. As far as the Double-chin goes, I got nothing for you. I vote for whatever you want Robs. :)

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  21. NoNoNoNO!! but it would be funny....but NO...you would tell all of us NO!!!

    Love ya...there is someone just right on your horizon..no settling..Not that you would, Because you are awesome like that...


    hugs!!!!!

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  22. Geez!!! You REALLY need to find an area with better inventory! Come on!!!! You should just get it over with and tell him you're a Jewish Mail Order Bride and he STILL didn't make the cut! (Get it??? Make the cut??? Jewish???? Well I thought it was funny!)

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  23. He seems like ten kinds of loser. Certainly made for a funny post though.

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  24. RO, Yes, I found you through Sarah. So glad you've joined the fun of my misery. Chocolate? Even more orgasmic these days!

    SarahWriter, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

    Cheeseboy, I just watched it and couldn't stop laughing. I am SO TEMPTED to forward that back to him. That was awesome. Thanks!

    SarahGoodGirl, anything -almost sort of- for my peeps.

    Tom, I am shocked! My bra size is between Hillary Clinton's and Joslyn James'. It depends on the size of the benefits package.

    Tuppence, a whole biscuit, yes. I like that phrase. He's certainly not edible, though.

    Thanks Jerry.
    I'm still running, BB.
    GB, I'm playing impossible in this scenario.

    CB, whatever I want? Don't let me go for the double-chinner, my friend.

    IS, too funny. Lots of hugs.

    Spuds, it took a bit, but I get it.:) Cute. I actually know of a mail order Russian bride who rejected the guy because he's a freak.

    Chocolate kisses, Robyn

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  25. WOW. I am not surprised at how men react or think sometimes. LOL. I would like to say that this is surprising however, I opt not.

    HUGS!
    PC

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  26. Thank you for your sacrifice Robyn!

    I love these kinds of people.... He reminds me so much of Michael Scott from 'The Office'.... Don't you want to be Jon Krasinski, making the sideways smirk into the camera every time this guy talks?

    Can I have this guys contact info? I'd love to do a weekly post about 'Double Chin's Book Of Love'....

    It must suck to be him.... All those women who want one night stands.... Thank goodness there are good men like double chin who want to fall in love....

    I'm so glad that I'm married.... lol

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  27. I'm not sure if I should break down crying (from laughing) or be scared, very very scared. I can't believe anyone who's trying to impress someone, especially online, would send that kind of email. Don't even bother with the coffee - the mans a loser and would expect you to pay for the priveledge of meeting with him. Besides, he's probably stalker material.
    Keep up the great blog. Luv your stuff! Ciao.
    Salagatle!

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  28. I have a ten year rule. If he's more then 10 years, I'm not biting. I played that game. Didn't work out.

    He is clearly hiding his more appealing personality in the smaller of the two chins.

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  29. That guy sucks the big one. You make me seriously NOT miss online dating which was more like online searching. What a jerk!

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  30. Try eHarmony. I know it works from personal experience. I married my match! Thank you for joining Friday Follow. Glad to have you part of the fun. Rita @ One 2 Try.

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  31. ....sigh........
    Men are like parking spots:

    all the good ones are taken..the rest are handicapped....

    That's what THEY say..not me of course...

    I remain hopefully optimistic....cough

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  32. Hilarious!

    My friend had something similar when she mentioned in her profile that she didn't want a guy with children. One dad emailed her to say that was completely out of order and she should give him a chance. They got into a big email argument about it!

    Dating is hard enough without having unnecessary debates before you even go out!

    Rapunzel x
    www.talesfromthetower.co.uk
    Thanks for checking out my video by the way!

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  33. Good for you calling him out! What an incredibly bitter pissant! Although, I have to admit, I can vouch for the Russian escort thing. I witnessed it first hand while working retail back in the day. It was the first and only time I was physically repulsed (and I seriously did almost vomit) by twosome. And trust me, I have seen some odd shit in my day.

    I think you should just email him back with a link to this post.

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  34. Thanks for visiting my blog and I'm happy I visited yours because this post is hilarious. Sure makes me want to get out there and internet date...just kidding. I do wonder, from time to time when I'm mad at my husband, what it would be like to date again. Then a reality check like yours comes along and I think "Naahhhh!"

    I do have a close friend who found her soulmate via internet dating. They've been together five or six years now (I'm losing track of time) but she did have to kiss alotta frogs before finding this one.

    Good luck! btw, are you in SoCal?

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  35. Oh dear...

    I internet dated for a long time. I found a few great guys, but way more nut cases (for example, the 65-year-old man who thought that a 20-year-old would be interested in him. Hmm.)

    What a yucky and rude man Mr. Double Chinner seems to be! :(

    Good for you for trying to speak sense into him though! He was obviously too thick to understand what you said, but at least you tried!

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  36. ABAO, you can find him at dblchin.com. I LOVE the office, and would like to do/date, I mean be, Jon. (Note the desperate times caption.)

    Jenn, that's hilarious. Yes, it must be in the smaller chin.

    Thanks Wreckless, Gillian, and One2Try. Great to see you here!

    So true, Rapunzel and IS.

    Erika, I don't doubt there's some freakiness out there, especially with women who are desperate to leave their homeland. But this idiot made it sound like that's the norm. Great suggestion about linking him to this! I'm enjoying the mere thought..

    CalGal, I'm glad I could help you appreciate your man. You ARE fortunate.
    I grew up in LA, and I'm now in the Bay Area. Thanks for the follow!

    Mainland, yeah, a man wanting to date someone who could not only be his daughter but his granddaughter. It's just so disgustingly wrong.
    Thanks for the follow!.

    Thank you all. I keep trying to make these sacrifices for you. I really do. But sometimes I can't even get to the pre-BDFH hell. Phew. I mean, damn!

    Chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  37. Nothing worse than a sore loser... except for a delusional sore loser... That's why I don't date online anymore... I never met so many freaks in my life!

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  38. Oh my - what an interesting (sorry, code word for funny as shit) blog post!

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