Monday, February 2, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy, #318 - 324 / Happy February!

Even though George has stuck around for three months now,* I’m continuing my Reasons for Celibacy series. There’s too much good material to use. Plus, I have to hit 500 reasons; I've  much further to go. So below, taken directly from internet dating ads, are reasons number 318 through 324 for a smart, single, straight woman to choose celibacy. 

*Isn't he cute? 
"Do you know who won the Superbowl?" I asked.
"No. Do you want some rice with your shish kabob?" he responded.
Perfect response. (And Yay, Seahawks! I mean, oops. So close.)

I sporadically add to our discourse the fact that Valentine's is coming up. 
"When is Valentine's Day?" he asks, whenever I've slipped it into the conversation.
Seems I've some work to do. There's always work to do. [I still hate Valentine's but George need not know this.]
Alas, on with the show...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #318: Was up
What? It down now? ’Cuz was up, down, unless still up, in which case it wasn’t up, it started up and stay up.

REASON #319: Honesty is it really that hard???? 
Honestly, sweetie, it’s usually not hard enough. I mean, not in my current situation, mind you, it’s plenty hard. But typically it’s limp and flaccid and not hard at all.

REASON #320: Past and present are bondage. Life is only now.
Bondage? I think you’re on the wrong site, babe. Try craigslist.

REASON #321: if you have questions message me
I do have questions:
Is there a finish line to the book writing/editing/publishing process?
Can chocolate be found on other planets?
Does Donald Trump’s hair have its own time-zone?

REASON #322: I'm me that's all I can be don't try and change me if u meet me like me now don't attempt to change me later or I'll put my foot in it ass I prefer not to see you do that with your foot, babe, so yeah, don’t ever change. Stay kool 4ever. Have a fun summer and K.I.T.

REASON #323: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects.......YOU DO NOT........Have my permission to use any of my profiles or pictures in form or forums both current and future. If you have or do, this will be considered a Violation of my privacy. And legal action may be taken.
Um, oops. Cool, here’s a loophole, “in form or forums both current and future.” I already did it. It’s in the past. Phew!

REASON #324: i I love to have fun.generous,kind,funny,sharp,greatful,and romantic.PLEASE IF U ARE A PERMISCUOUSE PERSON JUST BE URSELF AND SAY SO.I MEEN EVERYTHING COMES OUT IN THE WASH"even if u gotta use oxyclean"!Im not judgmental at all.but I hate being lied to.I DONT WANNA THINK UR MISS CLEAVER AND HAPPEN TO BE A PALISTINIAN HOOKER FROM THE GAAZA STRIP CLUB AFTER THE FACT.just come as u are as u were as I want you to be.(like Nirvana)I'm a cool guy and very mature so I don't usually date people under 45.just be urself because u can't always play someone else.including ME.this isn't Hollywood and I'm not stupid.
I’m at a loss. I meen, “Tide works just fine!”

Have a good week, and Happy February, my sillies!

81 comments:

  1. If he doesn't know who won the Super Bowl and he doesn't know when Valentine's Day is, that's reason enough. Just saying...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For most women, yeah, plenty of reason, MJ. But I actually thought the Seahawks won. That's how invested I was. And V-Day...we'll see if I get chocolate and how much. Smiles.

      Delete
  2. I can honestly say I've never been permiscuous... whatever that might be.
    It's early morning in my daily schedule since the Great Scot works nights. Can I eat chocolate anyway?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of courses, Jacqueline. The earlier it is, the more you must eat.

      And I wonder if permiscuous is a fruit or vegetable. A fruit, right? Definitely a fruit.

      Delete
  3. From my decidedly unOrstrayan perspective if I am not playing sport or related to one of the players I have no reason to watch it or care. Food on the other hand... Yay George, who has nailed priorities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I take that unOrstrayan stance too, of course.

      Delete
  4. Oh, those last two are DOOZIES! Have fun initiating George into the ways of Valentine's Day . . . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. Is George his real name? That is actually my dad's name. The was up gave me flashbacks of Honeyman and one of his best friends saying that to each other over the phone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, not his real name, Ruth. Sorry to trigger "Was up" flashbacks. Those are the worst, aren't they? Good for laughs, though.

      Delete
  6. I didn't watch a single moment of the Super Bowl and it was every bit as blissful as you could imagine. Ahhhh.

    In other words, George is definitely a keeper. Also, I think I fixed my dashboard's problem with not showing me your new posts. So tada, here we are. And on time.

    Also, #321: what if I don't have questions? Should I just never message you, then? I hate conditional headlines. I meen it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You guys are keepers too. Those beards for hire are lucky.

      Glad you fixed the dashboard problems.

      As far as #321, good point. That's his headline. Idiot. What if I'm just looking for someone to date and I like his picture but don't have questions. Dude missed out. These men's dating strategies never fail to boggle my mind.

      Delete
    2. That reminds me of a great quote from Demetri Martin.

      I went into a clothing store one time and a lady came up to me and said "Hey. If you need anything, I'm Jill". I was like whoa... I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before. What if I don't need anything? "Then in that case, I'm Steve."

      Delete
    3. Kinda like when people ask "What was your name again?" I feel like saying "It was and still is, Robyn, you dumbass," minus "you dumbass."

      Delete
  7. # 324. I don't see the relevance of comparing June Cleaver to someone wrapped in gauze-za strips? Ka-boom works wonders.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. Good one, DC. Gauze-za strips. That makes a lot more sense that his writing.

      I'll look out for Ka-boom. Thanks!

      Delete
  8. Please elaborate on permiscuous! I want to know what else I'm failing at.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All I can tell you, Stephen, is that it means supple, tasty, and connected with a bush.

      Delete
  9. Wow, didn't realize that grammar was SUCH a lost cause. I guess very mature meaning over 45 explains a lot about my life. If there was a dating site and no one had an attitude, would there be anyone to notice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, there wouldn't, Chris. But these men would still be idiots.

      Delete
  10. If he knows anything about you (or your blog) Valentine Day better bring one of those big heart shaped boxes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Little does he know how much pressure he's under...or maybe he does.

      Delete
  11. George is perfection based on this batch of your celibacy reasons. They just crack me up and yet it's rather sad too. That last one with the misspellings, etc - I cringe. I truly cringe and I shall give my husband an extra big hug tonight when he walks through the door. Thanks, Robin for your humor. You made my Monday

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really was speechless by that last one, cringing too. Give hubby an extra hug for me, and I'll give George an extra hug for you. Smiles.

      Delete
  12. Try Craigslist - funny!
    Not sure I'd know how to answer that last one.
    And I hope George doesn't forget Valentine's Day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I'll make sure he doesn't forget it, Alex. =)

      Delete
  13. I might be considered permiscuouse. But then again, perhaps not.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's been so long since I've had a shish kabob! I'm so glad people don't say "Was up" anymore. Or do they?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never knew they said it in the first place. I thought they said and say "Whatz up?"

      Delete
  15. The last guy had a relevant point in there somewhere. It gets lost in the terrible grammar (meaning, no grammar) and horrible spelling. Maybe he can Oxyclean that and try again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so kind to suggest there's relevance amidst the oxyclean permiscouse gaaza ramblings, Robin.

      Delete
  16. I don't think #322 can fit his foot up there, he already has his head firmly up his arse.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Happy to hear you and George are still doing well! Sad about the Seahawks though...that was a heartbreaker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, JoJo. I wanted the Seahawks to win too. Sorry.

      Delete
  18. I feel like I just lost 10 IQ points by reading reason #324!

    Glad you and George are still getting on good ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet #324 claims to be mature and not stupid.

      Thanks, T. =)

      Delete
  19. "Does Donald Trump’s hair have its own time-zone?" BAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that is funny. And #322 might want to add some periods or commas in there. Run-on sentences give me a headache!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the sentence keeps running too, Martha. There's no period anywhere in sight. Sorry to induce headaches.

      Delete
  20. Please please please keep up with this. Your happiness aside, I love this feature and I so hope you get to 500. I like Valentine's Day. You don't have to buy anything to take the moment to stretch, write a note on a non-branded piece of paper and use that corporate-usurped day to vocalize or write out every feeling you have, even if you've been together for decades, how that person you love makes you feel right then. That's what Valentine's Day means to me.
    The one thing I'm caught up on, "Past and present are bondage. Life is only now." Is the present not "now"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're showing your soft side - I like it.
      Good point about the present, too. Yes, present = now. I didn't even consider that, but it makes even less sense.

      Thanks for your cheer about this series. I appreciate it; you've given me motivation to carry on towards 500. It's never been about my happiness anyway.

      Cheers.

      Delete
  21. I am so going to have to go back and start at reason 1, this was hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Holy cow, it does just keep getting worse out there, doesn't it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and I keep having fewer things to say in response. I'm speechless.

      Delete
  23. I'm sorry did you say something? I was too busy looking at George's soft and supple hand! The kebobs looked mighty tasty too! These were all great, Robyn! I hope #321 gets back to you, so we can find out if there's chocolate on other planets!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet there is - much lighter chocolate with fewer calories. Plenty of Mars and Milky Way bars out there too. Smiles.

      Delete
  24. I think I want to marry that last guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uh oh, looks like you and Mitchell need to duke it out. I'm not taking sides. I like you both.

      Delete
  25. I might have to fight Michael D'Agostino for that last guy. 'He sounz like a reel keaper!'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should probably screen him first for permiscouseity, Mitchell. I don't want you to catch anything.

      Delete
  26. #323 - Good thing they're smart enough to warn people not to use their various posts and pictures. Those scam artist "contractors" stuck in the Middle East who need hundreds of thousands of dollars to escape never target those who warn people away. They always heed the threat and steal someone else's identity.

    So glad you and George are still going strong. Makes my heart so happy for you! Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? It's like Nirvana - very mature and after the fact.

      Thanks for making me smile. Loads of love back to you.

      Delete
  27. I was sooooooo crushed by the implication of the title I just couldn't read on. Oh. Celibacy. Even the word should be banned. (just saying)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm guessing you haven't been a single woman who dabbled in on-line dating. Is that right, Mac?

      Delete
  28. Way to go for George even if he doesn't remember the chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Who needs sports or chocolate? I mean, who needs sports?

      Delete
  29. Oh my goodness. I think reading that last one gave me a headache! George has nice hands. :D Happy Valentine's Day, Robyn!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It made me wretch. Thanks, Daisy. Happy V-Day to you too.

      Delete
  30. I can't get past this: PALISTINIAN HOOKER FROM THE GAAZA STRIP CLUB AFTER THE FACT...the nurturer in me wants to know just how many times has this happened to this guy?
    I'm sure George with do Valentine's Day just fine...if you call his office and ask his staff to remind him of the date.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, you're such a caring social worker, Elizabeth. How many times can a person face PTSD? Yeah, the "after the fact" really underscores his challenges, doesn't it?
      Good suggestion to call his office. Thx. =)

      Delete
  31. Reason #323 actually brought me close to tears. How any woman can read those words and do anything but melt is beyond me.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thank the lord that he doesn't care about superbowl:) I am not big on Valentine's either but I always make sure my hubby thinks otherwise as he thinks it's alot of bunk. I love to grind his gears(in more ways than one:)) The list especially the last one makes me wonder if he writes fan mail to the little mermaid

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You always make me laugh, Birgit. The little mermaid is far too intelligent for him, despite the fact that she's a cartoon and has no intelligence.

      Delete
  33. "I'm not stupid."
    At least that was spelled right.

    ReplyDelete
  34. A foot in it ass? Is he calling someone "ass" or is his ass in his mouth?

    So you're going to make George jump through the hoops for Valentine's Day! Hah, women are all the same! (In some respects, at least!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was wondering the same, GB. If his ass isn't in his mouth, perhaps it should be.

      Nah, it's just that the pressure's already on George, because of my writing and chocoholism and all.

      Delete
  35. I always like how honest and timely and inspiring your posts are. :D

    ReplyDelete
  36. Not only don't I care about the super bowl, I didn't watch a single game all season. I hate Valentine's, but I hate Hallmark stores even more. If I was to buy a Valentine's day card for my wife, I'd be much more likely to buy it at the Dollar Store. I don't do that either, because luckily, my wife feels the same way. She says "Valentine's day is a colossal waste of money and is nothing short of a celebration of the needless death of millions of flowers." I love her!
    -----------------
    Oh yeah, back the reasons for celibacy. Guys aren't getting any smarter, are they? You'd thing they would at least edit what they write in these places.

    ReplyDelete
  37. If I had known that #321 could have answered all of my lives questions I would have acted on that sooner!! I have so many!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Omfg. Being single is being subjected to these people.
    Side note: I like the bondage guy.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete
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