And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy, # 325 - 332! Occult in Nature Love?

My track record with men is fairly lousy, so I'm hoping George sticks around. He's a good one. Plus I prefer not to plunge into the dating swamps again. That water's grotesquely muddy, unnervingly confusing, and outright horrifying. To follow are reasons #325 through 332 for a smart single gal to choose celibacy - lifted from actual dating ads. [Note: You might think that these ad blurbs don't adequately represent the modern day pool of eligible bachelors. I agree. In person, it's even worse.]~~~~~Be well, my friends. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.~~~~~~


REASON #325: I can lie to thy people but u can't lie To my self
I can’t lie to your self? Thy watch me: You’re clearly a keeper!

REASON #326: Careing. Compationet. Lovering. Working on. Being a maneger
I’m not sure about the other stuff, but you might be able to get a Maneger gig when Christmas rolls around.

REASON #327: This is me, is that you?
No. This is me, is that you?

REASON #328: looking for red lipstick & hiking boots
Have you checked Justin Bieber’s dresser, Lady Gaga’s eggshell, or the Boot Barn at 4th and Main?

REASON #329: *Dud(e)’s name here* a send of humor nit. Good speller used to lol to read alot I don't know look for things that are occult in nature love life  My head hurts, sweetie. “Used to lol to read a lot…occult in nature…?” You’re one of those Scientologists. Aren’t you?

REASON #330: im looking for someone to spintime with
Oh hon, Zumba or power-walking, maybe, but spintime’s a bit over-the-top for me.

REASON #331: Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!
You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!

REASON #332: I like holding hands and candles.
Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers as you do the lit candle.

82 comments:

  1. Lost it at #331!
    Maybe by spintime, #330 means in the washing machine?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why didn't I think of that, Alex? It's the fastest way to get the job done.

      Delete
  2. Spintime was funny. I'm a homemaker so I think laundry.

    Glad you have 'George'.

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    1. I'm so NOT good with anything homemaker-ish. So I never though laundry. Kinda funny. Kinda sad (for George) and others in my life.

      Delete
  3. Ah. The dating pool. Shallow, ain't it?

    I, too, am glad you have George. ;-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. One does not need a life-jacket for this pool. Thank you, Pearl. =)

      Delete
  4. I heard about a girl who deliberately made the worst dating profile ever - talking about how men should bow to her will, kids should be hit by strangers and gay people shouldn't marry. She broke records for being contacted by unheard-of amounts of men.

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    1. That's interesting, Michael. But I wonder what kind of responses. I bet she had a lot of enraged men blasting her for being "clothes mineded" or "superfishul."

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    2. Oh no, they all wanted to met with her. I think a few even proposed.

      Delete
  5. OMG. Those are a riot!!! I, too, hope George is your density (hahaha see what I did there?).

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    1. You're so clever, JoJo. I had to read a second time to see what you did there. Haha! Good one.

      Delete
  6. How shallow man are! They would go for anything!

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    Replies
    1. It seems that way. Yet these same ones tend to be extremely specific. They want the lookers who have big bosoms and booties and etc.

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  7. So Georges are good then? Whew! --Geo.

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    1. Are you trying to tell me your full name, Geo? I'm slow on the uptake. I like you regardless. Georges and Geos are good.

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    2. Yes, "Geo." is a deucedly clever nom de plume that hides my secret identity. I like you too.

      Delete
    3. Thanks for telling me, Geo. It'll remain our secret. Wink.

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  8. very funny

    You aren't obsessing in any of this, are you? Just asking.

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    1. What do you mean, Mac? I'm not obsessing about looking at ads? Only in that I'm obsessed with getting to 500 reasons - for a book. I'm happy with George, though.

      Delete
  9. When I was on OKCupid before I found Willy Dunne Wooters, I rejected everyone who was looking for a certain "type" of woman; i.e., I want a black woman with a big butt.

    How romantic is that? Not very.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of them are like that, right, Janie? They don't appear to be real winners but they want Christina Crawford or her look-alike.

      Delete
  10. Fingers crossed that George continues to be a keeper! #329 cracked me up, I think I knew that guy... and I wouldn't date him either.

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    1. I'm still stuck on "occult in nature." What does that mean? Glad you wouldn't date him either, at any rate.

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  11. Geez, these look like the spam comments I get on my posts...

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    Replies
    1. Haha, don't they? Yet the spelling is even worse. Right, Chris?

      Delete
  12. Glad to hear that George is still on the scene. Does he read your blog?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's not on-line much at all. This is a good thing (for both of us, and for him). =)

      Delete
  13. #329 really hurts the head. Spintime wasn't spin the bottle? Maybe you got a virgin with that one?

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I didn't think of that either. Spin the bottle. Yeah, that could be fun, in the right company. He's not the right or righ company.

      Delete
  14. These never fail to amaze me. Or amuse me.

    #328 "I want a prostitute that enjoys walking a lot up mountains."

    #329 used to lol? But now he doesn't? What horrible accident happened to him that he can no longer laugh out loud? Was it a brain injury? Because that would explain EVERYTHING.

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  15. I'm LOL'ing now, BnB. You're right, brain injury would explain everything. For all of them.

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  16. I am at a loss for these people who probably call Wal-Mart their home away from home and think Randy Quaid is one sane man

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    Replies
    1. Randy Quaid for President! I admit, Birgit, I had to look him up. I know - I don't see movies. No worries, though. He would not have my vote. Scary how many votes he would have from Righ wingers and all.

      Delete
  17. REASON #331: Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!

    That (thar) is a southern fool. (Gotta) be Georgia (borned) and (razed.) He wouldn't know pumperknickle from a pimple on his azz. They're the ones who say, "The south's gonna do it again, " to which I reply, "What - lose?" Righ!

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    Replies
    1. Priceless, DC. Every word of this thar neanderthar mockification. How righ you be.

      PS Thanks for the laughs, clever gal.

      Delete
  18. #327...bahahaha... That did it for me! So hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That discourse with 327 could go on and on and on.

      Thanks, Martha.

      Delete
  19. 329 still has my head reeling. I think if you solve that one, you have solved the riddle of the Sphinx.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm saying every single (attempt at a) word is puzzling.

      Delete
  20. "I like holding hands and candles" would sound so sweet from the lips of a 5-year-old girl. Maybe he asked one to write the advert for him. All the others sound like they were written by an imbecile.

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    1. Actually, GB, the rest of the ad looked relatively decent. This proves he's an imbecile like the rest of them.

      Delete
  21. I try to be "compationet" with them because I know they all deserve to be treated "righ"...but I just can't do it! Send them all away and lock them up until they learn to spell and use proper grammar!!

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    Replies
    1. That would be the occult in nature thing to do, BabySis. Let's do it!

      Delete
  22. I sure as hell wouldn't have thought that being of a certain age would be a blessing in disguise. Who would have thought being able to spell or put a whole phrase together would give a guy a huge advantage over the "competition?" George must have really stood out from the crowd. Now I feel the need for a delicatessen fix from subliminal encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope you enjoyed that sausage sandwich, Jono. Wink.

      Delete
  23. love the hold the hand and candles. Ouch. You are too funny. Glad George is in your world and that he keeps being darn nice to you. Have a great weekend

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  24. Oh my you make me snort and laugh. I have no luck with men. I give up. I think I have met all of these.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Between us, MF, we've met everyone at least twice, righ?

      Delete
  25. So, you were pectin thez duds to be literret?

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    1. Good queshtun, LD. Kinder makes ewe tink im stupeid lol huh occult in nature love an all.

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  26. Do these people ignore the red squiggly line??? :)

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    Replies
    1. Lol. I often wonder the same, Optimistic. Apparently, they do.

      Delete
  27. Lady GaGa's egg shell!!! LOL. I feel like getting on dating sites, just for a laugh.

    I agree. George is a keeper. So happy you're happy my friend!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, girlfriend.
      You'd have fun. Go to plentyoffish and start fishing. You don't even need to register a profile.

      Delete
  28. Baby, we could spintime together, but only if you have a hunnitandfiddy dollars. Does that sound all righ?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You are so funny, Theresa. I especially love the hunnitandfiddy. It does sound all righ. Bwahaha!

      Delete
  29. Oh boy! I've heard bad stuff about dating websites and ads...but this tops all I thought there was going on. I sure hope George is a keeper! :)
    Have a wonderful weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so too...let's all keep our fingers crossed. Thanks, Beate. =)

      Delete
  30. #326 is "lovering?" Maybe he thinks he's Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady. Most of these men are cocky, but this one's clearly cockney. Oh no, the song is "Wouldn't It Be Loverly," not "lovering." Hopefully, he'll find his way to the maneger soon!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's hope so. That maneger may be his last hope at lovering, Julie

      Delete
  31. Love to have some of that spintime! What a plethora of Compationet occult lovers! Righ?
    Dat be some gold in dem hills - spell right read lol

    er....

    ReplyDelete
  32. Honestly, the scariest comment on this page, was yours in the intro, that it is actually worse than this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's worse when you're sitting at a cafe with one of the above, Rhonda. Believe me.

      I'm glad your search was expeditious and ended so happily.

      Delete
  33. Dead Head? Ohhhhh, I thought you wrote "Dead Hand." That was something we did as young teenagers. We'd sit on our right hand (NEVER left. What do you think we were? Weird?) until it went numb. Then, we disappeared into the bathro...oh, I've said too much already.

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    1. That's so weird and gross, Al. You actually brushed your teeth with a numb right hand? What did you do with the left...Oh, wait, you meant that you...

      Delete
    2. I brushed my teeth BEFORE.
      A rigorous program of conscientious dental hygiene is so very important, you know.
      Another unsolicited insight into our left hands: we used it if we wanted "strange."
      Oh, dear me, I'm so very glad I discovered girls.

      Delete
  34. It gets worse? Sadly, I believe you. :)

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    1. Imagine sitting in a Starbucks with one of the above winners, having to listen to that kinda occult in nature stuff, Rosey. Not pretty.

      Delete
  35. An unobservant guy with bad grammar or poor editing skills is great entertainment, but one from whom distance should be kept. Love that one about "Holding candles".

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Arlee. You're awesome for stopping by. Heck, you're awesome, generally and specifically and plainly stated.

      Delete
  36. These make my head hurt. Hang onto George. The online dating pool sounds downright toxic.

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    1. Agree. I suddenly forgot how to swim. I'll stay barren if George disappears.

      Delete
  37. Wow, maybe someone could make a living as an editor and date-coach for the clueless... You have found some funny lines.

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    1. You'd think, Sage. But they are so clueless they have no clue that they're at all clueless.

      Delete
  38. Don't people check what they type before they hit po...

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    1. I kid, I kid.

      I'm so glad I'm not out in the dating world. I'm just too old for that junk. Glad you and your main squeeze are still doing well. Yay you!!

      Delete
    2. You had me going there. You're funny, Elsie. I have pressed publish a million+ times before checking what I ro

      Delete
  39. Oh, my. This is worse than editing 8th grade papers. I heard-- no kidding- that over half of adult Americans are registered on some dating sight, somewhere!

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  40. WOW! That's a huge number. That must include a lot of married people - sad and funny. Actually, I've seen many ads over the years for couples looking for a third. Yuck - in my humble, sexually conservative opinion.

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