I haven't been around much, because I was honored to visit Atlanta, Georgia, for the AFSP's/American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Annual Leadership Conference. Despite the profound tragedies that brought 340 of us together, I was energized by AFSP's life-saving successes, incredible people, and delectable pecan everything (pecan bacon, pecan pie with chocolate, pecan hash browns, pecan...)
On another exciting note, I finished editing my book (though I'm not sure I'll ever be finished editing), Woman on the Verge of Paradise. Now, to work on publication and continue revealing snippets here.
This scene takes us to my dorm room at UCLA, freshman year. Times are unsettling. I've just been shaken by the tragic news of my Mom's terminal illness, when I receive an odd phonecall...
---------------------------------------------
A day or two after
learning of my Mom’s illness, another unexpected phone-call interrupted my
studies. It was a guy. He sounded serious.
“Hi. This is Bob. I’m conducting a research
study on the orgasm. It will only take a minute. You’re a student, right?”
“Yes.”
“Your age, major, and year in school,
please?”
“Eighteen, Psychology, Freshman.”
“Have you ever had an orgasm?”
My face flushed and heart rate sped. “No I
don’t think, no.”
“Hmm, really? On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being
‘not at all interested,’ and 5 being ‘extremely interested’, how interested are
you in having an orgasm, say, if you could have one right now?”
I heard they’re good, I thought. “Five.”
“You sound REALLY interested. Is that
right?”
Crap. I quelled my enthusiasm. “Yeah, I
guess.”
“So why haven’t you had an orgasm?”
I was quick to defend my innocence. “I’ve
been dealing with other things, like my Mom’s dying of cancer.”
“Oh. Thank you for your time.”
“Okay bye.” Wait. Don’t go!
Click.
Honestly,
he sounded like a researcher, and I believed he was. I still think he was
conducting a clinical study. But I’m naïve. Had he known who he was calling, and
that I could use some stress relief? Had
I missed a momentous opportunity? Did I turn him off by telling him that my Mom was dying of cancer? I can see how that might have killed the mood. I’ll
never know for sure.
Wow! Atlanta - you were only a few hours away. Sad reason, but glad you were able to attend.
ReplyDeleteHappy you are done with edits. Although you're right - we are never truly done...
It seems the only project I've undertaken for which there is no finish line, Alex.
DeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteLove your commitment to the cause.
And that awesome smile - which is nearly as big as your heart.
Yay for finishing (very almost, sort of) editing. You know I want to read it. Badly.
Love your commitment too, EC.
DeleteThank you. The fact that a good number of you are wanting to read it, is keeping me going. I really want to publish and wish the damn process wasn't such a damn long one. =)
If you need an editor, I'm here. I'm working on a book, but I can multi-task, or I'll be available in the future. Do you pronounce the nut pee-can or pacon, with emphasis on the con. Maybe it should be puh-con. I'm a puh-con woman, in pronunciation only. I can't eat nuts, though I am nuts. I'm glad the visit to Atlanta was a life-affirming experience for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
No one ever called me to ask if I was interested in orgasms. Good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe caller did ask for Stephen. But you lived in Rieber not Sproul Hall, right? He must have had us confused.
DeleteHis "survey" sounds like something my friends would have come up with just as a way to get to know you, having seen your smile. I think telling him about your mom caught him off guard at which point he didn't feel so clever anymore. However, your time with AFSP would offset a lifetime of social blunders in anybody's book. Completely edited or not.
ReplyDeleteAw shucks, you're making me blush. Go on...=)
DeletePecans and Orgasms all in one post? You win post of the day ;)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on finishing your editing!
When put like that, I'm realizing I missed an opportunity to not get one thousand hits; I didn't put orgasm in the title. Not smart.
DeleteWell done on finishing your editing and for being hit on by men that don't even know you!
ReplyDeleteIt kinda makes up for not being hit on by so many men who've known me.
DeleteAFSP - wonderful organization - glad you're a part of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, DC. Me too.
DeleteI'm glad you had a good time in Atlanta! As for that call, it sounds like a fraternity hazing prank to me. That's the first thing I thought.
ReplyDeleteI still want to believe he was sincere. I'm not sure why. That ship sailed years ago.
DeleteI just recently visited Atlanta, too. Loved it. Hope you had a chance to take in the city a bit.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your questions about the probably-not-a-researcher-but-an-intern-hired-by-an-actual-researcher: Had he known who he was calling, and that I could use some stress relief? Nope, purely a coincidence but he was excited to hear a lady's voice.
Had I missed a momentous opportunity? To have phone sex, maybe.
Did I turn him off by telling him that my Mom was dying of cancer? Most definitely. But probably for the better.
Thank you for your honest responses, Pickleope. Phone sex might've been good. This was in the days of the coiled phone cords. Imagine the possibilities.
DeleteThat smile could make anyone feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteYep...a mood killer.
NOT THE SMILE...the other thing :(
ReplyDeleteI got it. Thank you, Mac. =o)
Deletethe study sounds a bit suspect, but glad you could make us smile about the incident. Good luck and have fun in Atlanta. good you are not in the northeast and shoveling snow to find a pecan store. Enjoy southern hospitality
ReplyDeleteSouthern hospitality is the best, Joanne. I wish people were as warm and gracious around here.
DeleteHaha, Robyn, that's such a brilliant excerpt! I hope that scene will one day be acted in a movie. In the meantime, let us dream of a cure for cancer and a world where women have 3 orgasms a day. That's a good number, right?
ReplyDeleteI'll take 3 per lifetime, GB. Um, did I write that out loud? Smiles.
DeleteThank you for suggested this scene hits the big screen. I'm not sure if I'd want a hunk or a wimp to play the "researcher." Probably the latter - so I know I didn't miss anything.
Wish I'd known you were going to Atlanta, a large portion of my family lives in and around Atlanta and would have happily shown you some real southern hospitality! Oh, and congrats on finishing with the editing!
ReplyDeleteYou do so much to help others Robyn. Thank you!
I thought you were a Southern Belle, Jacqueline. I forget where you live, but you popped into mind as someone I might've been able to visit. I didn't have time to see the city or schmooze much, so I hope to go back someday.
DeleteThank you, dear lady.
Sounds like it was a worthwhile trip. Mmmm pecans... :D Congratulations on finishing the editing. The snippet was entertaining. The survey sounds like a prank to me. Ha!
ReplyDeleteI would have hung up after the third sentence.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great selfie, Robyn! You have a beautiful smile!
Thank you, Daisy and Debra. xo
DeleteCongrats on finishing the edit. Had to be a prank call. Not sure there is a survey orgasm organization. If so things there must be rather umm messy
ReplyDeleteTrue, Pat. A Survey Orgasm Organization wouldn't have existed so long before 50 Shades of Gray.
DeleteA great cause and a great selfie! Nice to hear from you, Robyn!
ReplyDeleteAlways nice to hear from you, Martha. Thank you.
DeleteLOL. Love it! Orgasm survey...yeah. I will leave that alone. Can't wait for your book to be out!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I would've preferred your response to orgasm survey. Then again, I didn't censor my blog for adults only.
DeleteGlad you are in the editing stage. As for the phone call....I used to volunteer at the Distress centre and I would call that a Bogus Sex Caller. Be thankful he hung up the phone...I was not so fortunate and still want to shake in ewwwwwww.
ReplyDeleteYucky ewwww, Sorry Birgit.
DeleteSounds like the conference was a huge success! How wonderful that you were a part of it! I could just imagine how you felt when the phone call came shortly after you found out how ill your mom was. Only you could turn such a sad, and frustrating time into an entertaining piece. I know this will be one of many incredible stories in your new book, Robyn! Cute selfie too!
ReplyDeleteJulie
Thank you, Julie. Your support means a lot. This was kinda just a side-note story, a weird one. And there are many other weird ones, I must say.
DeleteHow exciting that you got to visit Atlanta. Not too sure about that pecan bacon, though :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I could barely taste the pecan in the pecan bacon. I wished it had a stronger taste, actually.
DeleteHmmmm...pecans....
ReplyDelete18 and you weren't sure you had had an orgasm? I guess it's different for girls, but by 18, mine had numbered in the thousands.
Boy's gotta take care of himself in the early years, you know (i.e., didn't lose my virginity until 1976. Oooh, sorry...TMI).
To begin with, it was weeks before they were able to pry me off the monkey bars when I was 12.
Stop it, Al. You're killing me! That's what she said, right? In 1977 and 78, 79,,,
DeleteReminds me of two of my favorite Woody Allen lines:
DeleteAfter a bout of lovemaking, Woody's partner commented how wonderful he was. He replied, "I practice a lot when I'm alone."
Another good line concerns Woody's views about masturbation: "It's sex with someone I love."
Dude's a freak, but these crack me up (and don't get me started on the comedic aspect of being called 'Woody').
I have been duped by the whack o caller too.
ReplyDeleteGood one, Ruth (whack o - love it. I mean, I definitely don't love it. I don't even want to think about it). Smiles.
DeleteOh my gosh this really happened!?!? Insane! And anyone who would answer less than a five is cray cray
ReplyDeleteHaha, yeah cray cray. And yeah, it really happened.
DeleteYou told a "researcher" on the phone that you were eager to experience an orgasm?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I need to sit here and shake my head for a while.
Oh, LD. I think you shouldn't purchase my book when it's out. You'd give yourself some type of shaken brain disorder. And I'd feel guilty.
DeleteThat was awkward.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful experience for you to attend.
And I didn't realize how red your hair was until now. Fellow redhead!
Well, um, I didn't know it'd turn out so red when I purchased that cheapy hair dye. I mean, yeah, Diane, isn't it nice to have naturally red hair? Yours is lovely. Wish I'd been born with it.
DeleteCongratulations on the editing! Can't believe you answered those questions (well, 18, OK... I would have, too). I want me some chocolate pecan pie... Really, my mouth is watering. I thought you were a natural redhead! Oh, yeah, hope you've had an orgasm.
ReplyDeleteEverybody plays the fool, right, Mitchell? I like to get a lot of practice in that role. It makes for good writing material. And what makes you think I'm not a natural red head? Did I mention hair dye? I must've meant shampoo - with red dye #2 and all sorts of toxic chemicals.
DeleteOh, yeah, um, I won't touch that. I mean, I do touch it. I mean, I don't. Crap. Never mind.
Only you could lighten up a terminal cancer call. I'm seriously doubting that was a researcher, but kudos to college guys with better pick up strategies than those high school boys.
ReplyDeleteGreat work with the suicide prevention.
Thank you, my friend. But I still want to think he was a researcher. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I want to believe that I'm not as naive 30 years later as I was Freshman year.
DeleteOhh you got to go to Atlanta!! I like to visit there too. :) Your cause is better than mine though, I go with my SIL who likes to shop there. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck w/your editing! And lol at the phone call. My guess is it was a pick-up strategy. Pretty inventive too. :)
Rosey, I was blown away by how busy the mall (Lenox Sq.) was. Shopping seems really big in Atlanta.
DeletePecan bacon is like Cajun wine--just weird. The phone call goes into the same book, weird, but it sounds more like a fraternity prank than something out of the psych dept.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting, Sage. Cajun wine does sound weird. The other two - well, yeah, it's all weird.
DeleteSounds like your "researcher" was a fellow coed haha. Too bad he missed out!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your publication process, dear friend!
Thanks for commiserating...we'll cheer each other on, Dawn.
DeleteHaha - he had that strategy down pat didnt he!? I wonder if it were ever successful. Mmmm He was probably about 40 and lived around the corner with his mother haha
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the final editing etc! Very exciting stuff!
xo
He did sound serious, Anthony. I wonder if my bombshell disclosure about my mom scared him from calling other calls, especially if he's a mama's boy as you suggested. Haha.
DeleteHot.
ReplyDeleteYour latest post is a lot hotter, Fredulous Yo.
DeleteOh you.
DeleteGrrr, I don't think Blogger is showing me when you post anymore, otherwise I would have been here earlier. That's a lovely selfie, and I'm very envious of the chocolate pecan pie. As for the editing and the excerpt, you know how I feel about your work. I just want an autographed copy sitting on my mantle already.
ReplyDeleteDamn blogger. I'm having a lot of problems with my connection these days too. Sorry.
DeleteThank you. You're so nice. I hate continuing to mention my book - but I don't want to NOT mention it - when I don't have a release date because I don't yet have a publication means...and it could be well into the future...but I want to publish NOW. =)
I loved, loved, loved your excerpt (and title).
ReplyDeleteI shat a brick when I saw you were in ATL. Would love to meet you one day, and our paths will cross, I'm sure.
Hey...you're a funny lady. Feel like a little laugh? And I mean LITTLE. I'm in a short story competition, round one (of three) and was assigned the following prompt: comedy genre, a family reunion, and a waiter. The story I came up with? Here's the link if you want to take a look:
Passing the (Olympic) Torch
Have a great week!
There could only have been one reason for the "researcher" to to prematurely end the call so quickly.... He was done!
ReplyDeleteI never got that call! Probably a good thing, I would have been way too flustered at that age. What a funny experience.
ReplyDelete