And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Interview with Jennifer Lopez: IWSG

 



Welcome to February's gathering of the IWSG. As you know, it's thanks to the incomparable Alex J. Cavanaugh that scores of us gather to admit to insecurities and lend encouragement.  I strive for laughter, because that's what the world needs most. I mean, we need love too and yada yada blah blah blah, but laughter's free (it requires no investment) and easily accessible. I attempt to evoke this by mocking the rich and famous.

Today, we have a hot and sexy singer, dancer, producer, actress and Latina role model extraordinaire. Let's give a big warm welcome to Miss Jennifer Lopez!
                                                
A studio full of young males (all of Jennifer's exes) toss their briefs, boxers, and Underoos onto the stage, as Jennifer enters the spotlight, wearing Jennifer Lopez earrings and a Jennifer Lopez body doily. She smells of strong, girly perfume - no doubt, Jennifer Lopez perfume. 

pink highlights = actual J Lo quotes / milk chocolate brown = Robyn's fake dialogue

Robyn shakes J Lo's hand, and the two are seated.

Robyn: Thanks for visiting us. You're so gorgeous and rich and Wikipedia says you're worth $40 million dollars. Oh to be you for just, I don't know, a quarter of a million. But I'd settle for a twenty.

J Lo: Honey, you've got to love yourself first. You've got to be okay on your own before you can be okay with someone else.
Sweetie, if I had your body, I'd be more than okay on my own loving myself for hours at a time. You know what I mean? Robyn imparts an eye wink. How do you keep your figure? Jenny Craig? Atkins? The Olsen twins' 15 Calories a Week Plan?

J Lo: Are you kidding? J Lo giggles. I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.

Robyn: What would you use for creamer? Uh, never mind, don't answer that. 

J Lo continues, as if not interrupted, I love to eat everything and you pretty much can -- a little piece of something fattening is not going to kill you. It's when you eat the hole box that it's going to kill you.
Robyn: Yeah, death by cardboard wouldn't be much fun. So you published your first book?

J Lo: Yeah, I did. J Lo glows with pride.

Robyn: Let's see. Robyn pulls an index card out of her pocket. It says here and on Amazon that your book is "Guided by both intimate and electrifying photographs, True Love an honest and revealing personal diary with hard-won lessons and heartfelt recollections and an empowering story of self-reflection, rediscovery, and resilience." 
Robyn appears confused. Let me guess, you wrote this all yourself. Didn't you?
J Lo: Yes, I didn't get any help with it! J Lo continues to glow.

Robyn: I read some reviews, and while, of course, many of your fans love this book, a number of them find it incredibly boring and meaningless. How could someone living such an exciting life write such a boring piece of *bleep*? Robyn looks directly at the camera. All you insecure writers out there, take note that even J Lo's fans see through her lack of writing aptitude. Fame and fortune, and wild sex-appeal don't replace literacy. Robyn turns back to face J Lo. Good for you, sweetie. You wrote a book! What do you have to say to the insecure writers out there?

J Lo: Women should never go without earrings. Passing on them is an opportunity missed.
I judge people by how they smell, not how they look. Robyn's eyebrows shoot up. I'm afraid we're out of time. Robyn jumps off the stage in search of J Lo's latest ex, a 26 year old hottie...to find out if he wants his Underoos back. J Lo scurries out the back door to the parking lot, where Marc Anthony awaits with his valet. 

And that wraps up another edition of the IWSG. Thank you for tuning in!


70 comments:

  1. Oh hated her doily dress and if she gives one more fish pout pose I want to strangle her. Her book sounds as inspiring as Vanna White's-shame isn't it

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    1. Yeah, such a waste of $40 million. Vanna White wrote a book? That's scary. I wonder how many vowels she used in it.

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  2. I too judge people by the way they smell. And insincerity and lack of talent drown out cheap and nasty perfume very very easily.

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    1. Haha. Yeah, she screens them out if they're not wearing her cheap and nasty J Lo perfume.

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  3. My, my, she can use her rear as a ledge? (Translation: anchor person at NBC - Not Brilliant or Comedic - just something nice to look at, like a hamburger helper box front.) No?

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    1. Yeah, butt when the Kardashians came along, her butt jokes were nipped in the butt. They could manage all Starbucks worldwide on theirs. Plus scones and filters.

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  4. I might be able to wear the "Jennifer Lopez body doily" backwards. I always enjoy your interviews, Robyn! Now go practice serving chai chocolate lattes on your mini ledge for George! I hope he's wearing gloves, just in case!

    Julie

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    1. I've got more going on on top, Julie. My butt couldn't manage even a tall mocha frappaccino. But my bosoms could handle a grande or two.

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  5. I read once that she's notoriously rude to the helpers on set (the lighting people, makeup people, etc). Haven't listened to a song of hers since :)

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    1. I've read/heard similar things, Keith. Like you, when I learn these things about an artist's character, I'm inclined to boycott their work.

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  6. Underoos! *giggle snort* Yup, I am just that juvenile!

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    1. Well, they ARE something super new in underwear!
      *giggle snort*

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  7. She's her own product. Scary.
    Sad when just being famous gets you a book deal.

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    1. Yes, but we know that book's popularity lasted for one hot minute. Plus, readers with any intellect thought it was lousy. Still, it is sad and frustrating for the rest of us.

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  8. I don't know why, but I've never liked this woman. Just something about her... But the post was funny!

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    1. Maybe because she's plastic and lacking any depth of character? Or because she's a hot and sexy millionaire? Yep, all of the above.

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  9. I've never liked her either and isn't she one of those creepy Scientologists too?

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    1. I don't think she's a full-fledged Scientologist, but she's into Scientology and says she's knowledgeable about its "technology" - whatever the heck that means. I'm certain she doesn't know. She likes to use 3+ syllable words in a way that sounds informed but makes absolutely no sense.

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  10. "I judge people by how they smell, not how they look." Words to live by. Great interview!

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    1. I don't know what it means. Is she trying to say she's not superficial? That doesn't say it. Maybe she's trying to say she judges people based on whether or not they use J. Lo. perfume.

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  11. If I looked like her, I'd love myself so much and so enthusiastically, I'd start a fire.
    Plus, if I looked like her, Mrs. Penwasser may have some questions...

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    1. LOL. Mrs. Penwasser might be the one starting the fire if you looked like her, Al.

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    2. Now THERE'S a great image.
      Hubba, hubba.

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  12. That was quite an interview. Loved that she judges people by how they smell. She may be on to something.

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    1. It's rather odd and elitist. Not everyone has a maid and butler, room service, and valet, their own perfume line, etc. to keep them smelling good. I don't even show every day, and sometimes I forget to put on deodorant. She kept backing away from me during the interview, Lee.

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  13. Doesn't that make her a bloodhound? :P

    IWSG #143 until Alex culls the list again.

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  14. We'd all love ourselves more if we had her body! haha

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  15. If I looked like her I'd never leave the bedroom. Of course that could get confusing.

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  16. Good gravy, I could hear her voice reading your words for her, lolol!!

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    1. And that's actually how she advertised her book, Rosey. She had newscasters/TV hosts read that exact blurb. It's not even a sentence. It doesn't make sense, and it's hogwash. But if you don't analyze it, I suppose it sounds pretty.

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  17. you captured another winner. I do like J-Lo - I think she'd be amusing in person (just Jenny from the block), but she is easy to make fun of and her life, body, etc. is out of this world. You made me laugh on a Wed - now time to dance

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    1. Compared to a lot of other celebrities, Joanne, she's not that bad. Smiles.

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  18. What if they smell like chocolate? Does she like them?

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    1. I'm not sure how she feels about chocolate, Diane. Could she be stupid enough not to like its smell? Perhaps.

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  19. This does sound much like I'd imagine her sounding. She's very pretty, but nothing more.

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  20. I'll give her credit. She does seem like one of the few women out there in Hollywood who had to bust their asses to get where she's at. It's a good thing hers is as big as it is though. I'm sure it really helped pave the way.

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    1. Heehee, it paved a wide way, didn't it? I'm not convinced she busted her ass, though. How is doing something you love and being gawked at by millions any harder than janitorial work? Exhausting, yes. But painstaking? Not in the slightest. PS Clearly, I'm mad with envy.

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  21. Coffee serving ledge, eh? And Pamela Anderson has a balcony you can do Shakespeare from. Invite these "ladies" and their friends to a party and you won't need furniture.

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  22. There is something about a person who serves coffee using her behind as a ledge, judging people by how they smell, that's just wrong. Not sure why, but wrong.

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    1. I involves being hospitable; the other, judgmental. She boasts, "I've paid for all of my beauty treatments." Big f*n deal, b*! You're a bazillionaire. And you need no f*n beauty treatments. Give your money to habitat for humanity, the American Cancer Society, or another worthy cause. Oy, you got me started, Chris. I mean, I got myself started. Sorry.

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    2. Oops, I meant "one involves being..." not "I".

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    3. The fruit of a successful comment- got you started!

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  23. I just don't like Jennifer Lopez. She's an accomplished woman and that I can't deny, but to me she looks like she doesn't have a sincere bone in her body. Weird, I know....

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    1. I agree. Or if she is sincere, she's sincerely superficial.

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  24. I'm only 65 years old and have clean underoos. You think she'd like me?

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    1. Change the 6 to a 2, Geo, and you're all hers.

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  25. I think JLo got off fairly easy compared to the other celebrities ;)

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    1. Yeah, she's not evil. She's just a diva who's not bright.

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  26. There's no need for any writer to feel insecure about a book written by J-Lo. Some books are used as sex toys rather than read. I bet the cover is harder and smoother than Jennifer's butt.

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    1. That's a good point, GB. I didn't think about that. Can you imagine what used copies have been through? Ewww!

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  27. I know this woman's name - how could I avoid it? - but to be honest, I wouldn't recognize her if she bit me in the ankle. I love being so old I can ignore the celebrities of the day/month/year/decade. Loved the interview anyway.

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    1. She's more likely to bite a 20-somethinger, LD. You're a smart lady to ignore the celebrities.

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  28. Oh my, J. Lo! What an influential woman.
    But I'm so laughing at Gorilla Bananas' comment. Haha!

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  29. GB is always outrageously entertaining, SL.
    Thanks for stopping by.

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  30. How they smell? Haha - oh God, no wonder the publishing world is fucked up. As long as it has the potential to sell, who cares how bad it is? No wonder we're insecure! lol
    Very funny (yet tragic) Robyn and loved the idea of using her actual quotes. Great concept!

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    1. Glad you like it, Anthony. I didn't know she's so...well, stupid and superficial, until I found the quotes.

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  31. She wrote a book?! Seriously? Oh my.

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    1. She's so proud of it too, Daisy. It's called True Love and she doesn't talk about true love. She doesn't go into depth about anything. There are more photos of her than info...I didn't read or look at it. I gather this from the reviews of her book.

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  32. Haters!
    Okay, I admit she is shallow and totally self consumed, but when it comes to herself, she is a subject matter expert...
    Nice one Robyn!

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    1. Yes, J Lo is truly in love with herself.
      Thanks, Pat.

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  33. Earrings aren't that great. I haven't worn any since my cross dressing days as a seven-year-old so maybe there's something I'm missing. But they're so small and insignificant.

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    1. I know, Fredrulous Yo. Earrings pale in comparison to nipple rings. Don't you agree?

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  34. I would not be in her good graces. I never wear earrings to work!! They just get in the way!!

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