Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Pre-Pubescent Machismo

 Dear Sillies,
   I hope your week is going well. I posted this nearly six years ago. I got exactly zero comments, no more and no less. [That was before I met Alex and the rest of you.]
   This post reminds me of my friend, Al Penwasser. Not sure why. But I hope you like it. 
   Be well, and keep a smile. 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 “Duh!” 
“As if!” 
“Loser!” 
 
Their tongues hanging out of their mouths, freckle sprinkled cheeks, jagged bangs, eyes poised to express control, a mad crush on Suzie Jay, and an ounce of testosterone between them, they ran the show. They had it all. Rulers of the universe and buds for a lifetime.
 
They hit the playground, yanking the pink velvet ribbon from Betsy’s hair. Her long red braid unraveled by the time they invaded the dodge ball game across the yard. Betsy flopped onto the black top, screaming for her daddy, the Principal. He dashed out to console her, but was never able to pin down those nasty culprits.
 
Life could not get sweeter! Those were the days to diss the teacher, aim a paper airplane at her butt when she turned to write on the chalkboard, switch names for the substitutes, compete in belching contests during the Pledge of Allegiance, give the class nerd a Melvin or Nelson or Wedgie or whatever those boogers called it when they pulled the poor soul’s underwear so tight above his head that it cut off all blood circulation and he could barely breathe.
  
It was time to get real. When you stepped on a crack, you broke your mama’s back. When you stepped on a line, you were Frankenstein. Your best buddy told you to “Look over there.” When you turned your head, he said smugly, “Monkeys always look!”
 
Good times! You cut the cheese to clear the room. You’d make crank calls to the grocery store manager and ask, “Do you have pigs' feet?...Then how can you walk?” Mom said, “Don’t stick your tongue out like that, it’ll stay that way. You’ll go blind if you cross your eyes.” So you kept trying that one, because you thought it’d be super cool to have a seeing-eye dog.
 
Those were the days! Boys would be boys, will be boys. They rule. They’re cool. Too cool for school. Question that, you’re a fool.
 
Those were the days. Machismo was in full fruition. 
 
As if!

79 comments:

  1. Oh the days!! And yet....men are still the same in so many ways.

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    1. Good point, BabySis. They don't get much passed puberty do they? Sometimes, that's a good thing.

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  2. What a fun post. I really want to go give someone a Melvin now... and I don't even know what that is.

    We too have plenty of zero comment posts (pre comics, at that), but I don't think any of them were this good. We started off, well, sucky.

    And you taught me something. I knew plenty of prank calls (Is your refrigerator running? Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Etc) but I never knew about the pigs' feet one. Yeah, that gave me an immature giggle.

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    1. You know, I'm glad I brought back the "pigs feet" joke. I'd forgotten it myself. It's worthy of much more mileage. I think I'll call the Safeway Manager tomorrow.

      Thanks, BnB!

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    2. Call the bowling alley:
      "Do you have sixteen pound balls?"
      "Why yes we do."
      "Good grief! How can you walk?"
      Okay, I'm not proud of that one.
      Yeah, that's a lie.

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    3. Outrageous laughter here. I see these get even more immature over time. Thanks, Al. I'm calling the local bowling alley.

      Glad you are proud. Did you pull that prank last week? It's a great one.

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  3. "An ounce of testosterone between them," LOL!

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  4. Ah yes, had that at school AND at home with my brothers... all five of them.

    The days of having the bedcovers yanked down as they all farted in my face, and the third brother relieving himself of hair 'down there' when he attempted lighting a fart...

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    1. You are a true warrior, Jacqueline. No wonder you're a tough cookie!

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  5. While I did not partake in most of that (I was a good kid) it did make me chuckle.
    Believe it or not, I have posts with no comments. I guess we have to start off talking to ourselves first before anyone else listens.

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    1. It's harder for me to believe you had posts with no comments than it is to believe that you didn't do any of this stuff, Alex.

      Yeah, self talk helps survive the loneliness of starting a blog.

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    2. I talk to myself all the time.
      You do?
      Yeah, sometimes I do.
      Why?
      Well, who else is gonna laugh at my jokes?
      <> <>

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    3. That's good, Al, but stick with the 16 pound balls of yours.

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  6. I often tell my husband that it's probably a good thing we didn't have recess together b/c he would have been punching me in the arm and pushing me down. Instead I got the high school version of the little boy machismo where he purposely sat behind me and followed me in the halls, but yelled at me to turn around and mind my own business and quit looking at him if I tried to be friendly. *eyeroll* MEN! lol

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    1. Oh, that's so funny, JoJo. It's both sweet and bratty.

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  7. My boys like to make reverse prank phone calls when telemarketers call. They answer and say, "Dominoes pizza would you like to try our 2 for 20 deal"? Those pesky folks don't know what to say. It's pretty funny.

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    1. LOVE IT. Hold on, let me write this down. It's perfect. Thank you and your sons.

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    2. We would answer the phone "House of Bombay, can we interest you in a our curry surprise?"
      Complete with accent.

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    3. "The surprise is we have no curry. May I interest you in thinly sliced bamboo?"

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  8. Fun post! Made me smile :) I grew up with two brothers and it was a whole lotta fun!

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  9. My best friend and I made prank phone calls. It's a good thing my mom never caught us.

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    1. I was always on the receiving end. Where were all those pranksters parents when I needed them?

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  10. I am guilty of many of these. In fact, did you go through my diary or something???

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  11. Hold on, you can cut the cheese to clear a room?!? I've just been getting a bad reputation and dirty, dirty looks. (Of course this is the thing I latched on to.) I'm glad you reposted this.

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    1. It only works in lowly establishments, Pickleope Von Pickleope - not those upscale places you've been frequenting.

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  12. This does bring back memories. Glad to see this is now getting the comments it deserves.

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  13. lol yeah, that summed up Al perfectly I bet. But what? No wet willies? The cut the cheese I've done a time or two or maybe three.

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    1. We never said "monkeys" always look.
      We used a much less politically correct term.

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    2. What's a wet willie? Oy vey, I don't want to know.
      Oh now you've got me wondering, Al. There was no Tea Party back then, so it wasn't "Tea Partyers always look." There were always suckers, but that's not very offensive. Oh, you mean those kids who use their numb right hands to...

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    3. Okay, since you asked (even though you don't want to know)....
      "Wet Willies" were when someone stuck their finger in their mouth and then in your ear. The thought skeeves me to to this day.
      There were also, of course, "Dry Willies" when the finger didn't go into the little scamp's mouth first.
      And, we said (and I hate even using the word) but for education's sake, "Queers look."
      By the way, how did you know I was sitting on my right hand?

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  14. I didn't need to read the entire post (but I did) to know why this reminded me of you. The title said it all.
    That said...NOW you know what it was like at Saint Stanislaus all those years (well, you got a glimpse in 'Shag Carpet Toilet'). One thing you didn't mention:
    We use to snap Pam's bra strap with our rulers.
    Poor Pam.

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    1. No, but...well, some stories ought not be told.

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  15. Six years ago but the story is just as appealing as it is today. Good job for getting more comments now. :)

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    1. Thanks, SuperLux. I'd forgotten about it and I'm glad I dug it up.

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  16. Oh heck, my hubby's almost 70 and he still might answer the phone, "Pizza Hut. Is this for pickup or delivery?"

    (Little boys never grow up.)

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    1. That's funny, but I'd rather tell them "I'll take a thick crust, mushroom and olive pizza delivered to..."

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  17. there does seem to be a consensus - plenty of boy still left in a man. And boys can giggle worse than a gaggle of girls. Fun post and glad you shared it again (for newbies like me)

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    1. "Boys can giggle worse than a gaggle of girls." That's a spectacular statement, Joanne. True too.

      Thanks.

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  18. We called them "snuggies" because, well, we made them really snug. They would turn a boy just getting his alto back into a soprano.

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    1. Haha...I'm learning a lot here. Thanks, Jono. That explains half the cast of Glee.

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  19. Mine was a Catholic school. You didn't hit a nun in the butt with ANYTHING.

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    1. Yikes. I'm guessing the nuns hit you in the butt with anything, and I'm sorry for that.

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    2. Actually, we left the butt hitting to the priests.
      Oh, Al, now THAT was uncalled for.
      Off to recite a 1,000 rosaries...

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    3. In our schools, the lay teachers did the whacking.

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  20. Lol, even after reading this post and all these comments, when I get a telemarketer, I forget to give him what he deserves and say kindly...sorry, not interested!

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    1. I know. Me too. All these good lines disappear when an intrusive sales person calls. I should carry this comment thread in my pocket and recite from it whenever I get those calls.

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  21. This also reminds me of Al with a little bit of Pat mixed in! Sorry you didn't get any comments the first time around. I started my blog on Facebook, so I got a few comments at the beginning. Now it's more like, "Oh, it's her again," and dead silence. Very cute, Robyn!

    Julie

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    1. There is some Pat in there, too. Imagine those two together causing trouble as kids or, even worse, as grown men.

      Thanks, Julie.

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    2. I can see it now - the trouble you'd brew.
      He does it in rhyme
      While you, in haiku.

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  22. Oh memories but I never did call because I was too nerdy. I was the one who got the pants over her head. Well no that was done to boys but I hope these things still happen in some way just not maliciously. Now all they do is text

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    1. I was too nerdy too, Birgit. Text and social media have taken meanness to a much more horrific level. Shame we can go back to arm-farts.

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  23. I relate - brothers! Called the youngest New Year's Day. He answered, "County morgue... you bump 'em, we dump 'em."
    Of course he laughed when I said, "You azz-hole." He knows his name. Pfft~

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    1. Haha - "You bump 'em, we dump 'em" That's a great line, DC. Never heard that one. Thank that azz-hole for me...Not that I'd ever be brave enough to use that line. But it's a good one.

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  24. What awful tykes, Robyn! I sincerely hope you were not plagued by such creatures when you were a little girl!

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    1. No, and my brothers were relatively tame. I was lucky for that.

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  25. It was calling the grocery to ask if they had Prince Albert in the can... Oh, you do, then let him out.

    Of course, I never went along with belching during the Pledge, not because of a nationalistic feelings but I just thought belching crude.

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    1. Belching IS crude, Sage. Yeah, I thought of the Prince Albert joke too. What's Prince Albert, anyway? Some type of fish?

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  26. That brought back some memories! Fun post! :-)

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  27. That's funny how some of our best posts were the first ones that nobody even commented on. I really enjoyed this trip down memory lane. Prank calls with the girlfriends were always the best. Good times...

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    1. Did you call the cutest boys in school? I want to know more. =)

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  28. I like boys who will be boys. They have a simplicity zen masters spend life times seeking.

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    1. Yeah, and it comes so naturally to them too.

      Thanks, Elizabeth.

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  29. Heehee! I remember those days. Fun times. And Robyn, you captured it just perfectly!!
    Have a great weekend, my friend!

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