Welcome to February's gathering of the IWSG. As you know, it's thanks to the incomparable Alex J. Cavanaugh that scores of us gather to admit to insecurities and lend encouragement. I strive for laughter, because that's what the world needs most. I mean, we need love too and yada yada blah blah blah, but laughter's free (it requires no investment) and easily accessible. I attempt to evoke this by mocking the rich and famous.
Today, we have a hot and sexy singer, dancer, producer, actress and Latina role model extraordinaire. Let's give a big warm welcome to Miss Jennifer Lopez!
A studio full of young males (all of Jennifer's exes) toss their briefs, boxers, and Underoos onto the stage, as Jennifer enters the spotlight, wearing Jennifer Lopez earrings and a Jennifer Lopez body doily. She smells of strong, girly perfume - no doubt, Jennifer Lopez perfume. pink highlights = actual J Lo quotes / milk chocolate brown = Robyn's fake dialogue
Robyn shakes J Lo's hand, and the two are seated.
Robyn: Thanks for visiting us. You're so gorgeous and rich and Wikipedia says you're worth $40 million dollars. Oh to be you for just, I don't know, a quarter of a million. But I'd settle for a twenty.
J Lo: Honey, you've got to love yourself first. You've got to be okay on your own before you can be okay with someone else.
Sweetie, if I had your body, I'd be more than okay on my own loving myself for hours at a time. You know what I mean? Robyn imparts an eye wink. How do you keep your figure? Jenny Craig? Atkins? The Olsen twins' 15 Calories a Week Plan?
J Lo: Are you kidding? J Lo giggles. I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.
Robyn: What would you use for creamer? Uh, never mind, don't answer that.
J Lo continues, as if not interrupted, I love to eat everything and you pretty much can -- a little piece of something fattening is not going to kill you. It's when you eat the hole box that it's going to kill you.
Robyn: Yeah, death by cardboard wouldn't be much fun. So you published your first book?
J Lo: Yeah, I did. J Lo glows with pride.
Robyn: Let's see. Robyn pulls an index card out of her pocket. It says here and on Amazon that your book is "Guided by both intimate and electrifying photographs, True Love an honest and revealing personal diary with hard-won lessons and heartfelt recollections and an empowering story of self-reflection, rediscovery, and resilience."
Robyn appears confused. Let me guess, you wrote this all yourself. Didn't you?
J Lo: Yes, I didn't get any help with it! J Lo continues to glow.
Robyn: I read some reviews, and while, of course, many of your fans love this book, a number of them find it incredibly boring and meaningless. How could someone living such an exciting life write such a boring piece of *bleep*? Robyn looks directly at the camera. All you insecure writers out there, take note that even J Lo's fans see through her lack of writing aptitude. Fame and fortune, and wild sex-appeal don't replace literacy. Robyn turns back to face J Lo. Good for you, sweetie. You wrote a book! What do you have to say to the insecure writers out there?
J Lo: Women should never go without earrings. Passing on them is an opportunity missed.
I judge people by how they smell, not how they look. Robyn's eyebrows shoot up. I'm afraid we're out of time. Robyn jumps off the stage in search of J Lo's latest ex, a 26 year old hottie...to find out if he wants his Underoos back. J Lo scurries out the back door to the parking lot, where Marc Anthony awaits with his valet.
And that wraps up another edition of the IWSG. Thank you for tuning in!
