Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, #248-258: Chewy in the Woods


Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's available bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy.  Please be entertained.

REASON #248: I lick the outdoors .
Look out for cactus plants, porcupines, and yellow snow.

REASON # 249: sports and beautiful women make smart guys dumb  
Dumb men who think they’re beautiful make smart girls celibate.

REASON #250: Call me before the world ends
Drats! I just got to your 7th digit when the Rapture hit. Sorry, babe. Better luck next time.

REASON #251: two termites walk into a bar... 
Don’t tell me: they were looking for dead wood.

REASON #252: I am going to be bluntly honest in this part, I am a guy, I burp, fart and make wierd sounds, my hands are usually dirty, i like beer, not wine, I eat meat cooked on fire, and I will pee outside.
I’m going to be bluntly honest in this part: I’m just not feeling it.

REASON #253: I am 33 years old. My Parents are my best freinds. .
Honey, it might be time for mommy to wean you off of the breast. And daddy and mommy could probably use some alone time in bed.

REASON #254: This man likes to hit women and lie 
This man is a sh*t who still pines for Rhianna but should be lying in jail.

REASON #255: Borded What 2 do something fun
I dont noded. Want do you have in mineded?

REASON #256: I am looking for a women that no's how to make a man happy .
That’s tricky to find. I don’t no’s for sure, but you might have better luck on craigslist.

REASON #257: looking for that special Persson  
And she’s gonna be a very special one.

REASON #258:  love Star Wars and met Chewy in the woods once during a family vacation.
And then what, sweetie? Did he show you his lightsaber? Reveal that he’s your father? Teach you how to Dougie?

48 comments:

  1. Oh...spit fire! I laughed so hard! I love "I lick" one. Wow. I am sure they are flocking around for a date. Add Reason #259 is my serial killer moment. LOL

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  2. #258- I might have been impressed if it was Yoda. He is the one to meet. Cool one, is he.

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  3. If he met Chewy during a family reunion, that's a giveaway that the man probably goes through razors like there's no tomorrow.
    And darn that Rapture! What timing...

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  4. I really needed a laugh today and you've provided several. Thanks.

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  5. Burping and farting just didn't do it? Damn, he forgot picking his nose. What nut jobs.

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  6. BAHAHAHAHA...hilarious! And frightening :)

    The one that says "My Parents are my best friends" raises a HUGE red flag. Head for the hills with this type of man 'cause you know that his momma is going to be running the show!

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  7. He calls Chewbacca 'Chewy'? They must be pretty close if he uses a nickname like that. Maybe you could use him to meet Chewy and use Chewy to meet Harrison Ford.

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  8. Robyn, this is hilarious. Wish you hadn't posted mine though...

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  9. I am laughing soooo hard!!!!! hahahaha Chewy in the woods. Maybe it was a Sasquatch? lmao

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  10. He met Chewy in the woods?!! It's Chewie as any Star Wars fan knows. If he can't get that right, why bother dating him? I mean he should know that Chewy is an adjective not a Wookie. ;)

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  11. Lord have mercy. This is more proof that being single has merit.

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  12. Congrats on another great pant wetter Robyn - hmm no idea why you wouldn't be feeling it

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  13. Robyn...those are hilarious! Dare I hope there are some decent men that know (or is that "no") how to spell. Your responses are awesome.

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  14. Chewie doing the dougie-- that might be fun. Mmm and maybe if Hans Solo were there too. These were hysterical.

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  15. Oh, my, gosh! If I knew you single women were having so much fun poking at the singles on dating boards, I totally would have left my hubby a long time ago. Just kidding lol. But I still may have to pop over there to get a few giggles myself now!

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  16. I don't know - you may want to check into that 33 year old guy whose parents are his best friends 'cause I'm in my 50's and he sounds kind of nice. Ooh I gotta go my Mom's coming over to drive me to the mall and after that my Dad's going to help me build an even faster pinewood racer! W.C.C.

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  17. They'd make for some great stand up

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  18. Oooh no... 33 and loves his parents so much he mentions them in a dating ad... avoid!

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  19. MF, that's my favorite one too. LOL.

    Ruth, wise too, he is.

    Alex, great one! Thanks for the laugh.

    Stephen, so glad I could provide that, with credit to these bozos.

    Pat, you're right. I wonder if he doesn't pick his nose, or he does so often that he forgot to add it to the list. It's tough to type one handed.

    Plowing, LOL, we're talking HUGE!

    GB, it's a thought, but I'd have to talk to him. I'll pass.

    David, I'm sorry to embarrass you, but your ad was too funny to pass up.

    JoJo, I'm laughing in response to your laughter.

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  20. Melly, hahaha, "an adjective and not a Wookie." Great point. What a weirdo.

    MsA, smiles, always, backatcha.

    Robin, yes it is. And there's always more to come.

    David, always glad to help in that way. And, yeah, sometimes chemistry -or lack thereof- makes no sense.

    Cheryl, I appreciate it.

    Julie, I can kinda see it. It's pretty hysterical. Thanks.

    Theresa, you'd either laugh or cry with us. Sometimes both.

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  21. Hey Robyn,

    Today, mercifully, I shall refrain from writing one of my long, drawn out, tedious, incoherent, disjointed comments.

    I lick your posting! :)

    Gary :) x

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  22. HA! None of those guys may be keepers, but it was terribly nice of them to provide fodder for you blog.

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  23. And they're allowed to reproduce. Terrifying.

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  24. Hopefully, "met" is not a euphemism.

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  25. These are all hilarious and brilliant as usual Robyn but damnit I really want to get down to the big question here, what does he mean, he met Chewbacca in the words? I can't believe somebody would say that without offering any context, it just shows how many real idiots frequent the dating world, your awesome self excluded!

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  26. More reasons why I thank God for early menopause and an end to hormones that made me stupid enough to actually date guys like these.

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  27. Nice guys. I'm still laughing about Alex's comment about "Chewy!" Your "lightsaber" line also cracked me up!

    Julie

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  28. This is hilarious! The sad thing is I'm sure some women responded positively to each of those.

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  29. It's good of that guy to disclose to women that he has bodily functions. Does he poop, too? That's important to know before dating someone. I won't go NEAR anyone that has an anus. That's just gross. I mean, have a little dignity, please.

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  30. oh my gosh. I just snorted with laughter and almost choked on my tea. Thanks for the laughs!
    Nutschell
    www.thewritingnut.com

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  31. Thanks for such a fun post! Hilarious!

    Nas

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  32. Single is not a bad option, given the choices!

    :-)

    Pearl

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  33. Borded? Borded a train? Borded a boat? Strapped to a bord? Hard to tell.

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  34. Khlahanie, I lick yours too.

    Susan, they do it all the time, sometimes more than once and year after year.

    LD, that's the problem with this world.

    Thanks, Marti.

    Empty, I like Alex's line too.

    Carol, that's the thing that irks me most. They find their matches. And it's scary.

    BnB, it's a real red flag when they admit to having an anus upfront. I didn't intend for that comment to come out that way, but I like the double meanings here.

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  35. No, c'mon. These aren't for real. Please, God, don't let 'em be for real.

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  36. I'm all for a good laugh but Dang that was an ab workout!!

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  37. Nutschell, I always appreciate your bursts of giggles and cheer. Thanks.

    RomanceReaders, thank you. Great to meet you!

    Pearl, single is the only "option."

    L. Diane, it reminds me of kids who say, "I'm boring." Too funny.

    Mina, I send out that prayer frequently and often. Thanks for dropping by!

    Tammy, you're funny! So glad they I got your abs ripped. Geeze, I should put Jillian to shame at this rate.

    xoRobyn

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  38. PS Tammy: "that I" got...Oy, I keep cranking out the typos today and, actually, every day. =)

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  39. hilarious Robyn, so good xx(but you probably already no that, huh ??) Snort !

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  40. Haha don't these losers preview what they're saying?

    Lick... lol

    33? Get out!
    I bet Chewy made him chew it. lol

    Great to see the series continuing!
    x
    =]

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  41. Those were good Robyn! The first one was great and they just kept on coming.

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  42. Lol!! Your responses always crack me up. Maybe you should have the licker lick some poison ivy...then you wouldn't have to worry about him talking any more.

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