Friday, July 12, 2013

Maybe I Should've Ordered a Screaming Orgasm: Sex On The Beach Finale


I awoke in a euphoric haze, pushed myself out of bed, and got dressed sluggishly. Then I checked my cell phone, which revealed a text:
             
          Hi Robyn. Its Jake. Thank u 4 last nite. Will call 2day.

I was happy that he contacted me so quickly. A very good sign. Mid-way through the afternoon, Jake called. Unfortunately, discourse was awkward. Jake talked fast, I was distracted by errands, and there was no mention of seeing each other again. I figured he was just stepping back a bit; we’d chat a few more times before planning a date.

Meanwhile, my brain-cells embarked upon a journey back home. They’d escaped to parts unknown while my hormones delighted in a ravenous binge fest. En route, the cells engaged the hormones in a boisterous battle for my attention. It sounded like this:

Brain-cells: 3 marriages = 3 divorces. You didn’t like the one you got, did you? It sucked the life and soul out of you, didn’t it? It drained your bank account too, right? You’ll never fully recov-

Hormones: Shut the hell up, already! He’s hot. Really yummy. How often does a guy like that come around?

Brain-cells: Look, Robyn, you know your limits. You’ll freak out afterwards. Don’t go there. He’s not for you. Listen to us for a change! We’re the smart ones. They’re just slutty and desperate.

Hormones: F*k you all! What we mean is, f*k him, Robyn!  Just do it. Take the ride of your life. You’ve gone on so few, and they were all baby rides— the sissy stuff devoid of big dips, backwards zooming movement, being tossed upside down with bodies slamming against each other, swinging from a mile high... just the boring, straight-forward coasting that you practically slept through. Now’s your chance! Think: Colossus, The Giant Dipper, Top Gun, the E ticket rides!

Debate slowed, and I made a decision. The next day, I called Jake.

"Hi, Jake. It’s Robyn. How are you?"

"Fine, Robyn. And you?"

"I’m pretty good. Can we talk?"

"Always."

"Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. And the other night was really nice. It was wonderful, actually."

"Definitely. I hadn’t had intimacy in a long time, Robyn. It was really nice."

"Yeah, but I’m glad we didn’t cross the line,” I said. “Sex messes me up."

"Me too."

"Thing is, I don’t want to get married again," I added. "I’m definitely not looking for that like you are."

"Well, I really appreciate you being honest with me, Robyn."

Hormones: Girlfriend, do you hear how sweet he is? Change your mind! It’s not too late!

Brain-cells: Stay on track, Robyn. You can do it!

"Thanks for being so sweet," I told him. “I hope it won’t be awkward if we run into each other. I mean, we have some of the same friends and all."

"Oh God, no, I hope not...Take care of yourself, Robyn."

"You too, Jake."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Clearly, this story did not end happily-ever-after and/or with sex on the beach. Sorry. Yet my brain-cells celebrate the fact that I did right by listening to them. 

Next time I’m at a bar, if there’s ever a next time I’m at a bar, I will try to better hold my alcohol. I’ll also order a Fuzzy Navel. Well, nah, I’ll go for a Screaming Orgasm.

39 comments:

  1. Your Brain Cells are to be congratulated. Most Brain Cells lose the fight. Oh sure, they get to say "I told you so" later, but where's the joy in that?

    Now get out there and keep lookin', baby!

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  2. Hi Robyn,

    Good grief, I just backtracked to your other postings and you might have noticed that I left comments.

    And now, at nearly two in the morning, something pops up. Yes, your posting popped up on my blog list! :)

    Ah the battle between emotions and what may seem a boring logic. Your senses may have been tingling, but your brain cells told you about your other intuition. That you looked at a possibility that might end in tears.

    I'm glad it was amicable. Go contemplate a Fuzzy Navel and have a Screaming Orgasm.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend, dear lady. Goodnight! Ugh, time zones. LOL

    Gary :)x

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  3. I think you made the right decision. Sex complicates things.

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  4. How bittersweet, but you probably made the right decision.

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  5. You have chutzpah and smart too, for listening to the brain cells.

    Nice set of posts!

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  6. You made the right decision. And it didn't get complicated or messy.

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  7. There have been times when I did what my body wanted and times when I did what my brain wanted. My brain was a lot less fun but never caused me nearly as much trouble.

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  8. Somehow I knew you weren't done with your reasons to remain celibate posts. I would have probably gone with my hormones.

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  9. Thanks, all. My hormones are still battling my braincells on this one, so I really appreciate the affirmation.

    Debra, thank you for the pep talk. I really appreciate it.

    Gary, thank you, dear man. I'll do that that, after a Slow Screw Against the Wall. WInk.

    JoJo, it sure does.

    Stephen, thanks. I'm pretty sure I did. The right decision is often the toughest to make, isn't it? Not sure why it took me so many years to learn this, but I have.

    DG, I love a gal who uses the word "chutzpah," especially to describe me. I'm complimented. Thank you much.

    Alex, no. Fortunately it was amicable and without strings or weirdness.

    MsA, that's a positive way to look at it. Thanks.

    David, you said it well.

    Ruth, in the past, I would have too. I just decided to stop making stupid choices by choosing men who are wrong for me. Reasons for celibacy are unending.

    Thank you, friends. Have a great weekend.
    xoRobyn

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  10. Gary, I'll do "just that" not "that that." But if "that that" is any fun, I'll try it too. Sounds fairly harmless. ;~)

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  11. I doubt he was a worthy suitor, but it might have been interesting to find out whether he was capable of the tossing upside down thing.

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  12. Sex on the beach isn't all it is cracked up to be.... You WILL get sand in your crack and anywhere else it can go. So about this guy.... Sounds way to sweet to me.... Just saying!

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  13. A bittersweet ending, but you chose what's best for you!

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  14. Good for you! (Just tell those hormones to cool their jets...)

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  15. Good for you! I know you made the right decision but I have to tell you..as a person that has always played it safe, I was looking forward to sharing in your wild escapades. Still with 3 marriages under his belt it might of been heading for complications. Speaking of under his belt are you SURE that you should be listening to your brain cells?

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  16. What? You didn't listen to the hormones? Now they are going to nag you for weeks haha smart decision indeed, even if it is no fun.

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  17. Cheryl, no I'm not sure. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. I mean, of course I am.

    My Journey, you're right. There was some over-the-top, girlie sweetness there, and that was a red flag too.

    Thank you, kind friends.
    Have a great weekend/week.

    xoRobyn

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  18. Good job on letting your brain cells win. Nothing good could have come from that situation.

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  19. I think that at the end of the day you were right Robyn I really do. There must have been a reason he was divorced three times, saying that he was honest about that and took the rejection really well so maybe he's not that bad a guy really! Loved this story.

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  20. The only thing I would have considered doing differently before breaking up with him was talk to your mutual friend who knows him. That person has a more unbiased opinion on this guy. However, since you have already done it, and feel good about it, I wouldn't start doubting myself. Listening to our gut is the wisest decision we can make.

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  21. Listening to my hormones resulted in Mrs. Penwasser #1. Those frikkin' guys can't be trusted.

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  22. Good for you listening to your head! Those hormones are some pretty hard to ignore bastards and usually get you in more trouble than it was worth.

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  23. Thanks, all. I've since learned more reasons why - while he's a good man - he isn't for me.

    Karen, true. I kept thinking the sex would've been great, but who knows? It might have sucked. I mean, it might have been bad. =)

    Robin, normally that's great advice. In this situation, his friend wasn't unbiased. She had a crush on him that was one sided. She'd have advised me to back off.

    Al, glad I didn't listen. I'd have also ended up with Mrs. Penwasser #1, and I assume that would be pretty brutal.

    Theresa, true. Thank you.

    xoRobyn

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  24. PS YW, sorry I didn't respond. Thanks so much for your support and for enjoying this story.

    xoRobyn

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  25. I probably would have done the same thing, but I always think with the brain upstairs rather than the brain downstairs. It's just overpowering. Like, once upon a time ago a friend tried to set me up with a very beautiful girl who was, uh, dumb as a box of rocks (let's not sugar coat it). He said you should take her home, and my brain kept saying, "Yeah, this girl just asked 'Who won World War 2?' Not gonna happen, buddy."

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  26. My problems with Sex-On-The-Beach and Screaming Orgasms is I don't care for all the ingredients.

    In a cocktail, that is.

    Sounds like your brain cells knew what they were doing. Sometimes we KNOW something isn't quite right, but we overrule that, because, well, hormones.

    I think learning to listen to our intuition is key to being happy and healthy, even if it leaves us a little lonely at times. (And by lonely, I mean sexually deprived).

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  27. Very bittersweet. But it sounds like you did the right thing for you, which is the most important. :)

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  28. Mrs. Penwasser #1 is Jewish.
    And a bitch.
    So, on balance, it wouldn't have been a good thing.

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  29. ABftS, I've a former friend who was so stupid she asked if Route 66 was a movie about slavery. A stupid former male friend, knowing how stupid she was, married her.

    Bev, that's the precise definition. Lonely = sexually deprived. Otherwise, being alone is awesome. Thus, a gal needs a battery operated friend.

    Not good, Al. She gives my peeps a bad name. So glad I dodged that bullet, and that you escaped when you did.

    xoRobyn

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  30. I believe you made the right decision.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  31. I think it might have been possible for you to have a sweet interlude with the guy, eyes open, without becoming Mrs. Jake #4...sort of thinking to yourself, "It is what it is," summery balm...but you're the complex kind of lass whose brain cells and hormones dovetail. You made a thoughtful decision, for good reasons, and the way you told him was kind.

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  32. Glad you didn't do anything you'd regret with Jake or Mrs. Penwasser! You are one smart and tough cookie Robyn!

    Julie

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  33. Thank you, Gina.

    Margaret, you're very sweet and eloquent. Thank you.

    Julie, yeah. Given what I've heard about Mrs. Penwasser #1, I really dodged a bullet. LOL. Thanks for the laughs.

    xoRobyn

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