Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Interview with Jennifer Aniston: IWSG
Founded by none other than our Alex, the IWSG provides a venue to express writerly insecurities and offer words of encouragement. Join us, if you're not already on-board. All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, we've met a number of well-hated celebrities here at Life by Chocolate. So let's try something different. Let's welcome America's sweetheart! "Sandra Bullock is here? Woohoo!" a deep-voiced man shouts. No, sorry. Sandra was busy. Today we welcome Jennifer Aniston!
Wild applause overtakes the studio. As it fades, though, Robyn is hammered by a hailstorm of Legos. The cameraman turns toward the culprits: 27 children of various skin hues occupying the front row, each sporting a t-shirt that reads, "My Mommy is Better Than Jen". The kids are sandwiched between a scraggly haired, stone-faced zombie on one end and a sultry, long-legged woman with ginormous lips on the other. This woman abruptly stands up and directs the army to depart with her. A spaced-out zombie strolls shyly behind. The exit door slams loudly.
Robyn: Now that it's quieted down, come on out here Jen!
Jennifer Aniston walks out to center-stage, looking as cute as ever in a bright red dress that exposes a teaser of cleavage. She smiles cheerfully and shakes Robyn's hand.
Robyn: Thank you, Jen. I really, really - Robyn's staring at her cleavage - sorry. She forces her head up to make eye contact with Jennifer. It's just really nice to have a sweet, beautiful celebrity here for a change. Please have a seat. Robyn points at a flimsy wooden table chair. Oh, they're from ROSS. Get it, ROSS! Robyn elbows her playfully, as Jen imparts a courtesy grin. They both take a seat.
Robyn: I invited you here, Jen, because I'm insecure about being single. I write in first-person, so this directly affects my writing. I give off the image that I'm happy being single, better off, in fact. Thing is, I am. Maybe. But I'm not sure. Not totally. I still hold hope that I'll meet someone fabulous, but I don't want to have hope for that. I mean, I want to be perfectly content being single. You know? Jen's eyebrows are raised. She's completely dumbfounded. If I'm sincere, my writing will be stronger. And you, well, you always seem so poised and happy, even though you haven't been able to keep a ma--
Jennifer interrupts. Well, I'm doing well. Thank you. Justin and I are still engaged, and we're just working out the details, that's all. She forces a smile.
Robyn: Justin, yeah, I'm glad you mentioned him. Let's look at this picture of the two of you. Robyn holds up this photo: You're beautiful, Jen. So why settle for that? Are you that desperate to be with a man? What is it about him: the widows peak, the heavily pronounced eye brows? Or his expansive forehead? Jen squirms in her seat and pulls out a tissue from her purse. Or is it his relationship history? He was with the last one for, how long? 15 years, but never married. You've been engaged for a year but still have no wedding date. Oh, sweetie, you and Brad were beautiful together, til he dumped you for that big-lipped woman. Jen snatches up her purse and begins to scramble through it.
Jennifer: I've gotta go. I have a phonecall. Ta ta. She departs readily and we can hear her pouting as she exits the stage.
Robyn: Oops, I didn't mean to make her cry. She's so cute, isn't she? Robyn turns toward the back stage and shouts "Sorry, Rachel. I mean, Jen. You're very cute. I'd even switch teams for you if you were willing." Next Robyn focuses on Justin's eyebrows. That does it. I'm cured. Singledom is best!