I awoke in a euphoric haze, pushed myself out of bed, and got dressed sluggishly. Then I checked my cell phone, which revealed a text:
Hi Robyn. Its Jake. Thank u 4 last
nite. Will call 2day.
I
was happy that he contacted me so quickly. A very good sign. Mid-way
through the afternoon, Jake called. Unfortunately, discourse was awkward. Jake
talked fast, I was distracted by errands, and there was no mention of seeing
each other again. I figured he was just stepping back a bit; we’d chat a
few more times before planning a date.
Meanwhile,
my brain-cells embarked upon a journey back home. They’d escaped to parts
unknown while my hormones delighted in a ravenous binge fest. En route, the
cells engaged the hormones in a boisterous battle for my attention. It sounded
like this:
Brain-cells: 3 marriages = 3 divorces. You
didn’t like the one you got, did you? It sucked the life and soul out of you,
didn’t it? It drained your bank account too, right? You’ll never fully recov-
Hormones: Shut the hell up, already! He’s
hot. Really yummy. How often does a guy like that come around?
Brain-cells: Look, Robyn, you know your
limits. You’ll freak out afterwards. Don’t go there. He’s not for you. Listen
to us for a change! We’re the smart ones. They’re just slutty and desperate.
Hormones: F*k you all! What we mean is, f*k
him, Robyn! Just do it. Take the ride of your life.
You’ve gone on so few, and they were all baby rides— the sissy stuff devoid of big dips, backwards zooming movement, being tossed upside down with bodies slamming against each other, swinging from a mile high...
just the boring, straight-forward coasting that you practically slept through.
Now’s your chance! Think: Colossus, The Giant Dipper, Top Gun, the E ticket rides!
Debate slowed, and
I made a decision. The next day, I called Jake.
"Hi, Jake. It’s
Robyn. How are you?"
"Fine, Robyn. And
you?"
"I’m pretty good. Can
we talk?"
"Always."
"Well, I’ve been
thinking a lot about this. And the other night was
really nice. It was wonderful, actually."
"Definitely. I
hadn’t had intimacy in a long time, Robyn. It was really nice."
"Yeah, but I’m glad we
didn’t cross the line,” I said. “Sex messes me up."
"Me too."
"Thing is, I don’t want to get married again," I added. "I’m definitely not looking for that like you are."
"Well, I really appreciate you being honest with me, Robyn."
Hormones: Girlfriend, do you hear how sweet he is? Change your mind! It’s not too late!
Brain-cells: Stay on track, Robyn. You can do
it!
"Thanks for being
so sweet," I told him. “I hope it won’t be awkward if we run into each other. I
mean, we have some of the same friends and all."
"Oh God, no, I hope
not...Take care of yourself, Robyn."
"You too, Jake."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Clearly,
this story did not end happily-ever-after and/or with sex on the beach. Sorry. Yet my brain-cells celebrate the fact
that I did right by listening to them.
Next time I’m at a bar, if there’s ever a next time I’m
at a bar, I will try to better hold my alcohol. I’ll also order a Fuzzy Navel.
Well, nah, I’ll go for a Screaming Orgasm.
