Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy 2013!

This piece stems from the prompt "Resolution schmezolution" as part of Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus. My feelings about resolutions and cocoa haven't changed since last year, so I'm reposting. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE

Resolution schmezolution

A year defined by destitution

Across the globe we witnessed strife

When will we learn to cherish life?

The i’s not capped with Pod or Pad

And dieting just drives us mad

We reach for more to sate the greed

When food and shelter’s all we need

So let’s be glad the year is gone

While we strive to mouth ye Auld Lang song

A new start is what the world needs

There’s just one thing I must concede:

I make no lists, for old time’s sake

And won’t scale down cocoa intake!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~       A PERSONAL NOTE     ~~~~~~~~~~


Looking back at 2012 isn't easy. Events of the past year stretched my emotions to new depths. But I've also reached new heights, and I'm ending on a high with my first published book. Plus, I awoke every morning safe, warm, healthy, able to laugh, and with access to fair-trade chocolate. That's a lot to be grateful for. And so I am.

I appreciate YOU, too, and  can't imagine my life without this wondrous blogoverse. Thanks for your constant cheer, friendship, creativity and wit. 
I am especially grateful to those who consistently visit and comment. Whether or not I'd commented on their most recent pieces, they've been here post after post, and, in some cases, year after year...

PERFECT ATTENDANCE AWARDS go to:  
Alex 
MsAnthropy
Gorilla Bananas 
 Matthew 
Pat Hatt 
Stephen and  
Julie

Thank you!!

Happy New Year to all my blog friends. 

May 2013 offer you safety, warmth, health, laughter, and abundant access to fair-trade chocolate. 

Embrace a new start.    

Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 Highlights from Sundays in My City: A Horse for all Seasons

Welcome to Chico, CA, a humble yet spirited tour destination for UnknownMami's 
Sunday's in My City. As the year comes to an end, let's review some highlights
of our town mascot's fashionable attire.  Which is your favorite?
Mother's Day (April) 
Flag Day (June)
                                                                
  haunted horse    

turkey-horse or horse-turkey
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Santa horse

 
Thanks for visiting. 
This cute little bearded dragon lizard and I wish you a peaceful end to 2012. 
The horse does too!

Monday, December 24, 2012

No Matter What

Whatever the season  

No matter the reason   

May you taste of the  sweet and

sense the complete

                                                     

May you grow through 
life's plight 

Hold out for what's right




My apologies. Millie and Gertie insisted on revisiting to wish you all a Merry Xmas!
                                                                    
Keep reaching for more 

Not want from the store

Whatever the season

No matter the reason


May you love beyond fears
                                                                          
And laugh past your tears 

May you like what you see

And hear harmony

Whatever the season 

No matter the reason

And all the year through 

Life's blessings to you.

A warm and safe Holiday Season to all! 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest!

Choose Your Own Apocalypse


Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon at The Warrior Muse are hosting today's Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest. We're describing how the Apocalypse will (or, by the time you read, or are unable to read, this) has happened. Plus, we're sharing how we've prepared for our own survival.  

My entry takes the form of a song.

Apocalypse by Stupidity
Sung to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island Theme Song

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful day:
The Mayans launched a calendar
They used a slab of clay.
They used a slab of clay.

When they reached the date we’re at today
It began to rain and pour.
The slab flew out of Mayan hands
And stopped on Jersey Shore
And stopped on Jersey Shore.

The cast and crew tripped over it.
Their tiny brains confused.
"The whirlold stops now," they said.
O.M.G. What the f*k do we do?"
O.M.G. What the f*k do we do?

“I know, I know!” Snooki yelled
While chugging kegs of booze.
“Tell everywon life ends today.
Start with Big Bird and Fox News!”
Start with Big Bird and Fox News!

The rumor spread and then they said
“Need plans or else we’re sunk.”
So they leaned against the bar and then they
thunk and thunk and thunk.
So they leaned against the bar and then they
thunk and thunk and thunk.

One braincell in-between them all
Boiled with thoughts that most would shun
Causing Doomsday through what some might call
Spontaneous combustion. Spontaneous combustion.

So, the bad news is stupidity
Ended life. I’m sorry, folks.
The good news: if you’re singing this
The whole thing was a hoax! The whole thing was a hoax!

So come back soon, right here, my friends
We’re sure to get along
'Cuz none of you’s a dumb*ss like the idiots in this song.
Like the idiots in this song.
Not at Li-ife by Chocolate!


Just in case it’s not a hoax, though, while hundreds were scurrying for the last of Hostess Twinkies, I made arrangements with a Hostess Executive (don’t ask me how, it could taint my image) to secure all of the remaining Ding Dongs. I’m secretly storing them at my place. Drop by anytime.

Happy Apocalypse Day and weekend. Thanks for visiting. 
May you have many reasons to be glad the world didn't end today.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

TMI and Dr. Philistine's Holiday Shocker

Please excuse my recycling of old posts lately. I don't have a lot in me for new ones, and most of you weren't visiting Life by Chocolate in 12/10, when I first shared this. Plus, we all need a hearty laugh. I hope this takes you there.

Dr. Philistine: The world is shocked and saddened by Mr. and Mrs. Claus’s impending divorce. TMI uncovered the scandal here: TMI clip. Now I'm gonna do everything within my power, and I mean everything within my power, to save their marriage. Let’s welcome them to my show. Come on out here, Mr. and Mrs. Claus. ~Stage director amps up applause meter.~

Mrs. Claus trances in, wearing a hot red bustier, green jingle belled garter, and black pumps. Mr. Claus stumbles in, disheveled, wearing a Santa suit, with no belt or shoes. Attorney Johnny Candycane follows, and Mr. Claus falls flat on his face. The audience gasps. Johnny lifts and escorts Mr. Claus to his seat. 

Dr. Philistine: Welcome. You’ve been together since 1834. When did your marital problems start?

Mrs. Claus: I have always been a bit bitter that I am not as iconic as he is. Without me and my cookies, he'd still be a clerk at the Kost-co in North Pole Village!
Mr. Claus: 1835, that woman has been on my case every day since....uhhh....what was I saying?


Dr. Philistine: Mr. Claus, do you have a drinking problem? Because you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Mr. Claus: I do have a drinking problem. It's a problem when I don't have a drink in my hand!! Attorney Candycane offers an affirming nod.

Dr. Philistine: Mrs. Claus, is it true that you have been sowing some wild oats? Because it's time to get real about your life. I said it's time to get real about your life.

Mrs. Claus: That really frosts-ma-butt when he plays the victim about town! Is this about my pole dancing at the Slippery Peppermint Stick lounge? Really, when are we women going to take control of our own sexuality and come out of the prude closet dontchya know? Yeah, I took control over my life and he decided to stop taking his Extendz to break ma down!

Dr. Philistine (turning to Mr. Claus): Something's not right here. Look me straight in the eye and answer this: Have you been unfaithful to your wife?

Mr. Claus: You look me straight in the eye. Look at her, would you want to hit that every night?

Mrs. Claus tears off her jingle belled garter, violently flicking and hitting Mr. Claus with it. “You *bleep*in piece of *bleep!*" Attorney Candycane intervenes to subdue her, and the audience chants, “John-ny!” “John-ny!” “John-ny!” Mrs. Claus returns to her seat. Silence fills the studio.

Dr. Philistine (sighing): I’m concerned about the elves. All of this tension in the home isn't good for them. Mrs. Claus, you're fighting for custody. How will you support them?

Mrs. Claus: Dear, I can only say that the new life I have simmering on the back burner is very lucrative. Most of dem are over a hundred now anyways. It's time for them to experience life! 

Dr. Philistine: Now, let’s be honest. How’s your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: I've started manufacturing my own holiday line of personal pleasure electronics, Dear. And as my troop dawgs say:

(Mrs. Claus stands up and does the booty clap before continuing in rap style...)
Poppin' bottles in the ICE----like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right---- gettin' slizzard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride----like Three 6
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!
Put your hands up dontchya know!
Like a G6, Like a G6!!!
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!!!

Mr. Claus (nodding his head definitively, in obvious disagreement): Don't believe anything she tells you. Santa has no problem getting his wooden soldier to stand to attention. Maybe if somebody dressed like her sister, I would want some sex.

Dr. Philistine: We’re almost out of time. I’ve arranged for you to attend a treatment resort in Texas. These experts specialize in couples from the North Pole facing the 176 year itch. They'll get you back on-track on time for Christmas. Are you willing to accept this help? I said, are you willing to accept this help?

Mrs. Claus: If I can get my Sizzurp on there, I'll go dontchya know. I love him still. I do. Look at 'em all bowl full of jellyish!
Mr. Claus (eyeing Mrs. Claus flirtatiously): Are these the same people that helped Marie and Donnie Osmond?

Dr. Philistine: Very well. Thank you for joining our show. Do you have any final words?

Mrs. Claus (She stands up to booty clap again and toys with Santa's fur before turning to the camera): Hi to all the reindeer and elves watching back home, peace out.
Mr. Claus: Who's stocking do I need to stuff to get a drink around here?

Dr. Philistine: Merry Christmas, everybody (waving). He greets wife Robinstine, sitting front row center, and they exit arm-in-arm. ~Insert Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You, and cut to the credits~

With gratitude to the illustrious InvisibleSeductress for playing Mrs. Claus, and the unforgettable PowderedToastMan for playing Santa. Their creative, outrageous humor is inspirational. Dontcha think? Thanks for all of the laughs, you two. Happy Holidays, all! xo

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Blogger Day of Silence


Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Best of 2012, Your Favorite Humorous Post

Based on the number of your comments (43), this was your favorite humorous piece. It's an IWSG one, posted February 1st of this year.

Insecure Writer's Group and Judge Judy

Because writers might on occasion grapple with insecurities, Alex J. Cavanaugh founded an Insecure Writer’s Support Group for bloggers. We’re posting monthly, exposing our insecurities and/or offering support. Please check out Alex’s link to visit others’ posts. It’s a group of exceptional writers, authors and fun folks. 

Heated tensions continue between my confident writer's voice and my insecure self. As you may recall, Dr. Phil sent us on a 26-day intensive sponsored by the Foundation for Insecure People Attached to Secure Writers’ Voices. Yet my voice and I remain at odds. In fact, my insecure self slapped my secure writer’s voice with a lawsuit. Appalled by such treatment, I solicited the help of the harshest of harsh officials: Judge Judy. Let’s watch…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge Judy (Glaring at Insecure Robyn): I’ve read your claim and it appears to be a bunch of bologna! What exactly are you suing for? Or are you just here to waste my time?

Insecure Robyn (pointing at Robyn’s Secure Writer’s Voice): Um, I, sh, she broke my trust. She told a secret. She wasn't supposed to tell yet.

Judge Judy: What secret are you talking about?

Insecure Robyn: Well, uh, she told some people that I, we, I mean, she’s writing a book.

Judge Judy: You’ve gotta be kidding! Do you even have half a brain lady? That’s why you’re suing? What’s wrong with that?

RSWV (Robyn’s Secure Writer’s Voice) flips her hair back with a smarmy smirk.

Insecure Robyn (shaking): I, um, I’m just, I'm not a real writer. Real writers publish like three or nineteen books and I’ll be lucky to do one before I, like, die and stuff. And I don’t have money for publication and I’m not famous like Snooki. She’s published, you know? Girl can’t read and she’s published! Anyway, I do have 26 cents saved for publication, but I hear that’s not enough. And my book might be funny but it’s gonna be a little sad too. And they'll be disappointed because nobody likes sadness. (Robyn starts to cry. Sniffling and tearful): And some people –for example, really moronic men- might get mad at me when they see their really moronic personal ads in my book.

Judge Judy (Rolling her eyes): This is sounding more and more twisted. (Looking at RSWV): What would you like to say in your own defense?

RSWV: Well they posted their moronic ads and some of them even wanted to date her. Look at her! She points at Insecure Robyn, who blows her nose loudly into her sleeve. They deserve it! But they’re not exactly literate anyway, so what the *bleep* is she worried about?

Judge Judy: I can’t argue with that. (Glaring at Insecure Robyn): Your case has no merit! I offend people all the time. You think that’s a bad thing? Think again and check my show ratings while you’re at it sister. Now, you’ve wasted enough of my time! She stands up and exits the courtroom.

RWV flips her hair back again and walks off proudly.

Insecure Robyn hides her face in her mucous-filled sleeve and trudges behind her, dodging the cameras.
**
Post-script: True, I’ve started a book and have felt too insecure to make this semi-official announcement until now. I’m excited, though. 

Today's post-post-script: Little did I know I'd break from my novel, Woman on the Verge of Paradise, to publish my poetry in Just the Right Time. Now, I return to the tale of my exhausting efforts to meet a man who's not a complete and utter weirdo. The novel's flavored by doses of men's internet dating ads. I'm about 3/4 done with the first draft.

Thanks for visiting. Have a safe, peaceful week.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

We Wish We Could and Support for Sandy Hook Elementary



We Wish We Could

Shattered hearts

Broken dreams

A desperate world

In which it seems

Nothing unfolds the way it should

To change the facts

We wish we could

So life makes sense

And children thrive

Angels prevail

While demons die

Hate is squelched yet understood

   
To change the facts

 We wish we could.

To change the facts, we wish we could.


With tears for those who lost their lives, and those who lost loved ones, to the Newtown massacre.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If only the real world was as loving, kind, and proactive as our blog world. 

What follows was takent directly from Meg O. at O is Me.

 To the Blog World and Anyone Else who Wants to Help,

Yesterday, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee. An elementary school and small town in Connecticut was shattered by a mass shooting. We knew we wanted to help. As a side note, I would like to take this time to thank Neely and Michelle for helping organize and be so quick to come together and think of something that we could do as a blogging community. After some planning, we came up with this:




On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence. We will post the button and that's it. Please try to not post anything else that day if possible.

 We are also raising money that will go to an organization in the memory of this tragedy. The organization is called The Newtown Family Youth and Family Services. Here is the official description of the support service we are donating to:

"Newtown Youth and Family Services, Inc. is a licensed, non-profit, mental health clinic and youth services bureau dedicated to helping children and families achieve their highest potential. NYFS provides programs, services, activities, counseling, support groups and education throughout the Greater Newtown area.

ANY DONATIONS MADE TO NEWTOWN YOUTH AND FAMILY SERVICES WILL BE DONATED DIRECTLY TO THOSE EFFECTED BY THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTING."

Please visit THIS PAGE to make your donation.

 We can't imagine how they must be feeling, especially this close to the holidays. We would love for you to spread the word on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Let's make a difference and use blogging in a positive way. Thank you in advance for participating.

 Love,
The Blog World

p.s. Please share this post with your followers!