Please excuse my recycling of old posts lately. I don't have a lot in me for new ones, and most of you weren't visiting Life by Chocolate in 12/10, when I first shared this. Plus, we all need a hearty laugh. I hope this takes you there.
Mrs. Claus trances in, wearing a hot red bustier, green jingle belled garter, and black pumps. Mr. Claus stumbles in, disheveled, wearing a Santa suit, with no belt or shoes. Attorney Johnny Candycane follows, and Mr. Claus falls flat on his face. The audience gasps. Johnny lifts and escorts Mr. Claus to his seat.
Dr. Philistine: Welcome. You’ve been together since 1834. When did your marital problems start?
Mrs. Claus: I have always been a bit bitter that I am not as iconic as he is. Without me and my cookies, he'd still be a clerk at the Kost-co in North Pole Village!
Mr. Claus: 1835, that woman has been on my case every day since....uhhh....what was I saying?
Dr. Philistine: Mr. Claus, do you have a drinking problem? Because you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.
Mr. Claus: I do have a drinking problem. It's a problem when I don't have a drink in my hand!! Attorney Candycane offers an affirming nod.
Dr. Philistine: Mrs. Claus, is it true that you have been sowing some wild oats? Because it's time to get real about your life. I said it's time to get real about your life.
Mrs. Claus: That really frosts-ma-butt when he plays the victim about town! Is this about my pole dancing at the Slippery Peppermint Stick lounge? Really, when are we women going to take control of our own sexuality and come out of the prude closet dontchya know? Yeah, I took control over my life and he decided to stop taking his Extendz to break ma down!
Dr. Philistine (turning to Mr. Claus): Something's not right here. Look me straight in the eye and answer this: Have you been unfaithful to your wife?
Mr. Claus: You look me straight in the eye. Look at her, would you want to hit that every night?
Mrs. Claus tears off her jingle belled garter, violently flicking and hitting Mr. Claus with it. “You *bleep*in piece of *bleep!*" Attorney Candycane intervenes to subdue her, and the audience chants, “John-ny!” “John-ny!” “John-ny!” Mrs. Claus returns to her seat. Silence fills the studio.
Dr. Philistine (sighing): I’m concerned about the elves. All of this tension in the home isn't good for them. Mrs. Claus, you're fighting for custody. How will you support them?
Mrs. Claus: Dear, I can only say that the new life I have simmering on the back burner is very lucrative. Most of dem are over a hundred now anyways. It's time for them to experience life!
Dr. Philistine: Now, let’s be honest. How’s your sex life?
Mrs. Claus: I've started manufacturing my own holiday line of personal pleasure electronics, Dear. And as my troop dawgs say:
(Mrs. Claus stands up and does the booty clap before continuing in rap style...)
Poppin' bottles in the ICE----like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right---- gettin' slizzard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride----like Three 6
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!
Put your hands up dontchya know!
Like a G6, Like a G6!!!
Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!!!
Mr. Claus (nodding his head definitively, in obvious disagreement): Don't believe anything she tells you. Santa has no problem getting his wooden soldier to stand to attention. Maybe if somebody dressed like her sister, I would want some sex.
Dr. Philistine: We’re almost out of time. I’ve arranged for you to attend a treatment resort in Texas. These experts specialize in couples from the North Pole facing the 176 year itch. They'll get you back on-track on time for Christmas. Are you willing to accept this help? I said, are you willing to accept this help?
Mrs. Claus: If I can get my Sizzurp on there, I'll go dontchya know. I love him still. I do. Look at 'em all bowl full of jellyish!
Mr. Claus (eyeing Mrs. Claus flirtatiously): Are these the same people that helped Marie and Donnie Osmond?
Dr. Philistine: Very well. Thank you for joining our show. Do you have any final words?
Mrs. Claus (She stands up to booty clap again and toys with Santa's fur before turning to the camera): Hi to all the reindeer and elves watching back home, peace out.
Mr. Claus: Who's stocking do I need to stuff to get a drink around here?
Dr. Philistine: Merry Christmas, everybody (waving). He greets wife Robinstine, sitting front row center, and they exit arm-in-arm. ~Insert Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You, and cut to the credits~
With gratitude to the illustrious InvisibleSeductress for playing Mrs. Claus, and the unforgettable PowderedToastMan for playing Santa. Their creative, outrageous humor is inspirational. Dontcha think? Thanks for all of the laughs, you two. Happy Holidays, all! xo