Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Woman on the Verge of Paradise: Crap, it's Raining Men!

Sign reads "May you find Paradise to be all its name implies."

Thanks for joining me on the verge of Paradise, as this chapter of my life unfolds. If you're new to Life by Chocolate, or just madly trying to catch up with your blog reading (Can we ever truly catch up?), this non-fictional autobiographical story begins here. My last Paradise post is this one. While I strive for accuracy regarding place and time, I alter names as I see fit. This does not include Nora Profit, Mimi or Mojo the cat. Those names are perfectly right and perfectly real.
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One of my greatest strengths is not discretion. So, when asked about my writing, I gratuitously catapult into flavorful detail of my celibacy series; Mr. Cemetery, the Pigeons! Guy, and all. I'm beginning to re-think this tactic, for a number of reasons.

First, there's Andrew. We met at last week's poetry reading in Paradise. I ran into him again this weekend at Peet's. As my luck would have it, Andrew asked what type of writing I'm doing. I, well, told him.

"Do you like dancing?" Note: this was him immediate response.

"I love dancing." Note: this was my indiscreet (i.e., stupid) answer. 

As I left Peet's, I felt his eyes follow me to my car.

Damnit. The rude man is having a party--a full-blown rave, in fact--in my head. "What is wrong with you, girlfriend? Had you switched teams like I suggested, you wouldn't be in this mess!"

So Andrew is awaiting my appearance at his ballroom dance class, since I said I'd check it out sometime. He's probably looking at his watch right now, feeling jilted and perplexed as to why I haven't yet arrived.

Crap. Okay, rude man, you are right. I know. I know. Just give me a little more time. I have needs. We've discussed this. Remember?

Second, I gave a doctor the low-down on my celibacy series.  What could I do? The guy asked. One can't lie to a doctor. Two days later, he called to ask me out for dinner sometime. He closed the conversation with the words every woman wants to hear when she's being courted: "I'll have to find a lousy place to take you, given your dating disasters." 

Crap. Crap. Crap. Okay, obnoxious man, hand me the bat. I'll give this pinch hitting thing a whirl. Before I stepped up to the plate, though, I was indiscreet again.

His name is Matthew. I met Matthew on plentyoffish. I didn't add him to my celibacy series, because he writes in complete sentences. The fodder's just not there. In fact, we had a nice telephone conversation on Sunday.  I elaborated on my stuck-in-the-mud-on-a-date story; this one involves being stranded overnight in the middle of the desert in Kenny's four-wheel drive. We had no cell-phones. It was cold. I thought I'd die. Kenny offered no comfort except an old Oreo cookie.  In the end, we made it out okay. I broke up with him only after I arrived home safely.

Matthew was thrilled to hear it. "So the bar's set pretty low, huh?"

"You got that right." I responded with an exhuberant dose of indiscretion. "It's below sea level. Bring me a stale Oreo cookie, and you're the man!"

Oy. Crap. I know, I know, rude man. I know you're right. Hand me that bat, before I'm indiscreet again. Hurry!

16 comments:

  1. Haha, you make me smile.

    ...and I was wondering whether those profiles you saw online were from POF!

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  2. Sounds like a maybe, finally.

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  3. Wasn't there a dating guide for women called The Rules? I'm not suggesting you follow it, Robyn, your total honesty method is much more interesting for the reader.

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  4. Guess I should get an umbrella :)

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  5. A DOCTOR? Your bubby would be very proud of you.

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  6. OK. We'll take this. He can spell. He has a sense of humor. What more do you want, woman???

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  7. Thanks for the giggle Robyn, you just made me smile and made my day. Thanks.

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  8. LOL! I don't know how you do it.

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  9. Did you know that you can actually buy your own Oreos? Costco has huge boxes of them. In case you didn't know they're on MLK Drive, off E. 20th St., kind of behind the Sierra Nevada Brewery.

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  10. Terra, it's this darn indiscretion. xo

    Betty, political compatability would be nice. ;-)

    ADSL, thanks for catching up. I'm flattered. xo

    GB, yes. My friend Rapunzel (@Tales from the Tower) writes about the Rules. She's more discreet than me. Then again, who isn't? [-:

    Thank you, all. I'm always glad to make you laugh at my expense. You're worth it. xo

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  11. :) I'm sorry but I really laughed at this. You'll make it through somehow!

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  12. I love reading your MEN story!! Now quick...go out and meet more men and give us more blog fodder.

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  13. I totally forgot about Pigeon Man...hahaha!! At least the Doctor has a sense of humor...twisted, but it's there. This post was hilarious! I can see this turing into another series xo

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  14. Lol. You crack me up. :) Good luck with your problem, hopefully you'll come out a winner. :)

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  15. Oh no! It droughts, then floods!! Aargghh life sucks sometimes. This has happened to me too. Very very annoying!

    Take it from me, don't rush into it. The true one will be revealed in time.

    Keep us posted! (pun intended)..
    =]

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