And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #37-43

Taken directly from current on-line dating ads, I now present you with reasons #37-43 for my choice to maintain a celibate lifestyle.
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REASON #37:---------SKREEEECCHH--------------Easy there tiger. Had to leave job 1996 complications with ms. I can inartfully walk around, there are other strategies, plain fact is I spend a good deal of my time in a power chair. It's like, "who we kidding". Having said that,anyone there? Oh…Huh? Here’s the real question, buddy: Is anyone there?


REASON #38: love to get dressed up (he cleans up well) and go out dancing. Not joking. Ah, my junk works nicely (God has a kind sense of humor sometimes.) and love live music, and theater (small houses)..Argue like an italian. H E Y ! W H E R E Y O U G O I N G !? Just goin’ for some vino, babe. Carry on, alone.

REASON #39: in no order, big on farmer's markets, cooking, conversation, laughter, mad men, family, NPR. My sense of humor has and complex levels of intelligence, your mileage may vary. You’re clearly a hybrid. Synched w/ lyrics of Steely Dan, the new york cynical sarcastic mood that feels like you're part of a noir film plot.A fellow could do a lot worse. Me likey the noir. Me no likey your noir.

REASON #40: Looking for a woman who gots my back I gots to guess you gots one of those hairy backs. I gots no interest.

REASON #41: Tired of humorless guy? look no further I am a laidback, non judgemental type with a smidge of intelligence. (ok maybe more than a smidge) You certainly do display a smidge of intelligence, and even less than a smidge of humor. Hint: "Smidge" is not an actual word.

REASON #42: Hello, Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. I don’t have that kind of time, buddy, and I’m not even working these days. After considerable thought on this subject I have decided to be very verbose and concise in describing myself and the woman I am searching for. (Please allow me to apologize for the contradiction in terms.) Oy, you are tedious. Let me chop this down significantly, so as not to lose any followers. Trying to describe ones self is a daunting task, as we tend to see ourselves in a different light than we actually are seen and precieved by others. Oh, but preceieption is just an illusion. None the less, I shall endevour to be as neutral and accurate as possible while maintaining a  " Positive Spin" in a P.T. Barnum kinda way. That sentence was extremely painful, in a freak show PT Barnum kind of way. ..Lived in a Norman Rockwell painting for several years with no parental supervision...I suppose if I lived in a painting, I’d make sure my parents weren’t watching me either. Please Someone...Invent a time machine....Attended school in a four room school house....Ran amok (Sorry for the walk down memory lane.)…Became very "hip". Played in many bands, traveled the globe, smoked pot A bit too much, my friend. A bit too much.,..Once again I shall try to be very descriptive and to the point. I am searching for the woman of my dreams. ( Note the use of the singular subject of the sentence.) This woman should be beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, fun, spontaneous, brave, tough, (Able to put up with me.) enlightened, spiritual, sober, psycologically sound, healthy, monogamous, really cool, (Able to put up with me.) very loving and supportive in actions and words. A team player. Most of all this woman and I have to "Click". There must be INTENSE passion, love, respect, and chemistry between us both physical and psycological. We must have a unity of vision for our life together. (Once again, please note the use of the singular noun.) Thanks for pointing that out again, dude. Please note your monotonous use of the term “singular.” Get used to it, buddy.

REASON #43: Need someone to fetch me beers! I have a suggestion, sweetie. It goes like this: Go to the nearest kennel, ask for an empty cage, and stay in it. Don’t come out. Ever.

23 comments:

  1. I looked up smidgen to see if smidge was an acceptable form and it's listed in Webster's so I guess it is (though I would still think it's a bastardized version of a real word). I had to know, I'm a bit of a word geek.

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  2. I LOVE THESE!! I mean, not for you, of course but for the humor. :)

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  3. I also love this series of posts!
    You would eventually have to kill #42, because it's pretty clear that he would neve shutup!

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  4. Good call, TS. I looked it up before posting, too, but my research wasn't as thorough. Thanks. I agree, it's a bastardized version, indeed. Lol. xo

    Miley, thanks. I was hoping to give you (in particular) a laugh. :0)

    Pat, yeah, that guy - whew! He's got some psycological issues. Wouldn't you say? xo

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  5. need someone to fetch me beers- love that someone actually wrote it- winner

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  6. "That sentence was extremely painful, in a freak show PT Barnun kind of way"

    That is just good writing.

    GAH! The last guy. Get to the point already will ya? I hate when I finish people's sentences in my head but he made me want to go for the shovel to use on his head. Can you imagine him telling a story of any kind? I won't even encourage you to snap him up quick. His list of demands also...wow...he sounds like a person negotiating with kidnappers. Start with a million dollars and a plane out of the country and end with a carton of smokes and a Volkswagon.

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  7. The last guy could bore an insomniac to sleep, but the first guy reminds me of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I think he should be encouraged to make a You Tube video with his pet raccoon.

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  8. Yeesh...#43 just cut's to the chase...grunt, grunt...Edith get me a beer!

    As usual...these are hilarious :0)

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  9. Whats wrong with a hairy back? It keeps me warmer in the winter time.

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  10. It's your comments after their comments that make me laugh the most. And isn't it your dream to meet a guy like #42??? Goodness...he needs some serious help!

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  11. The #40 no hairy back rule? That eliminates 3/4s of the 40+ Jews from the west coast.

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  12. OMG - are these for real? I love #42 - the sort of guy you could only escape from a date with by plunging a dagger into your chest and hoping the paramedics show up...

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  13. Baygirl, I know. What nerve. This is in the liberal SF Bay Area, too! Here's hoping he gets exactly what he deserves. ;-)

    Cal, your comment is brilliant as always. Thanks for the laughs. I think the kidnappers would quickly surrender to any and all demands, just to make him shut up. xo

    GB, I like your comparison with Ace Ventura. That's very good and silly. Thank you. [-:

    Marnie, I can't imagine anyone signing up for that job (i.e., fetching his beers). I think he actually finds himself humorous too. xo

    OT, I just don't like hairy backs, though I'm sure you wear yours well. I prefer being kept warm by wool blankets. ;0>

    Noelle, thank you. If someone would edit his ad, for starters, that would be nice. I have a feeling the the mental health support he needs would be a bit more involved. xo

    CB, LOL. Very good. It's ok; I've pretty much eliminated the gene pool by now anyway. ;0)

    David, yeah, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Thanks for the suggestion regarding how to end a date with the #42 type. xo

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  14. It is immediately clear why all these people are "seeking" others...and coming up emtpy. #42 is the dating version of waterboarding!

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  15. :D Hey #40 might be doable with a full body wax! And maybe an English class. Isn't gots right up there with yous guys?
    Back up there sista... what about that #39 heh? Could be another 9~1/2 Weeks with produce? :D #43 might actually be trainable..in an S & M kind of way. I actually fell asleep during #42. Ha.
    Hang in there girl. There's plenty-o-fish in them there seas! :-) ~Ames

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  16. Celibacy....This word is not in my vocabulary! >:)

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  17. I don't know whether to laugh or feel depressed by all the freaky ads some guys make and the fact that they think that women are actually going to feel turned on enough to answer them!!?! I loved your comment on the last one--what a jerk!

    Let's keep looking, Robyn; there's got to be one in there somewhere (deep deep down hidden away somewhere)!

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  18. You would think I could not get any more surprised after all of these posts I've read...but seriously?? Who do these guys think they are?? And WHERE did they go to school?? Obviously it wasn't a real place...because...wow, just wow...

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  19. haha - gots my backs.. where do you find these guys? a goldmine!

    Need someone to fetch me beers.. well, at least he's honest! haha

    another golden entry!

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  20. Oh, I hear you, I hear you. Those were hideous and so painful to read. To your celibacy!!! Cheers!!

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  21. #40 and #43 made me laugh - OUT LOUD!!! Gotta love it!

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  22. Dear Robyn,
    You poor gals..... dating. So glad I don't have to go through that. My 2 husbands are in their graves and that's enough. The hairy back one gave me a laughing fit. Another fun post.
    Great week to you.... xo

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